johnu9 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Now, I'm 34, she is 32. We knew each other 9 years ago. We loved each other so much, but we had our good and bad moments. We got into too many arguments, each one is trying to convince the other of his point of view. I was bad, very bad, in terms of communication. Ignored her calls and text messages so many times when I was in a bad mood or so stressed with the job. And when I call her back few days later, I talk like nothing happened, and nothing bad I did. She gives some hints and signs that she is not happy, but I keep ignoring them because deep into my head, I thought she must understand, and she must accept it.I didn't even give her a birthday gift in all her bidthdays. I was always seeing the relationship in a wrong way, I wasn't romantic at all, my only concern was to collect money so we get married soon and live a nice life, but I never even told her that I'm doing it for us. She always felt insecure I guess, and she always thought I may fade away one day. 3 years ago she said we must get married, and I agreed, but I said in a few months. When the time came, I delayed it again, and it was because of money, but I didn't say it. I always felt I must not let her into my financial problems. Months later, she said either we get married or we broke up, so I agreed again, and we decided the time to get married. When that time came, she said she does not want to, she changed, and does not love me anymore. It was like a shock for me. Cried a lot, didn't eat for days, got very emotional, and realized what a big mistake I've done. She was my life dream not only a love, but I never showed or told her this. Now the dream collapsed. I talked to her so many time telling her that I've changed, my point of view changed, my understanding of the relationship changed. All of the sudden, I became very romantic, very emotional. She didn't believe it. Few days later, she agreed to go with the marriage, but she said that I've to know that she does not love me anymore, and this marriage is just to see if she will love me again or not. She is ready to take the risk for the sake of the old days. She told me that she will live as a free person, and alone, I accepted. We got married. We travelled together, but we sleep in two different rooms, sometimes she won't even allow me to book in the same hotel. We go out and have fun together, we kiss each other sometimes, but she is so sensitive towards each reaction from me, and gets angry so fast, especially when I forget something she said: she says my worst behavior when I don't hear what she says, or forget it. She says some reactions reminds her of the old bad me, and she thinks I'm back to that character. I always apologize to her, and assure her I'm not that man anymore, and I'll never be. I tell her I might do things she won't like, but once I see her upset, I'll always apologize without any arguments. We spent months like this, going out, travel, have fun, cook for her sometimes, bought her gifts and flowers. I was trying to gain her love and trust back so fast, and this is why I become a bit sensitive sometimes. I become sensitive when she prefers to go out with friends not me, and I look upset about that. I become sensitive when she criticize me, and she does it a lot, I mean a LOT. She criticize me of how I speak, how I behave, and how I don't focus on things especially what she says, while she used to like me so much for how I do these. I agree with that I do not focus on things well, and I tell her this is because when I'm around her, I become really sensitive, and afraid of doing something or say something she might not like. We lived months like this till she travelled alone for a month, and this is was the longest time she became far away of me. I travelled to where she is as per our agreement, met her and we went out and had fun, drunk a bit, and kissed and hugged each other for a while. Usually when we drink, she gets more into me. One time she said she does that because after she drinks, her fair of the bad me goes aways. I told her that time that I love being with her, but in the same time I feel bad, because I need more, I need her love, and that I prefer to split again so that she thinks about it more clearly. She just smiled. After a day, she told me she met someone she likes so much, and that this is the first time she felt her heart since she stopped loving me.She said nothing serious with him, just having fun. I looked really upset, didn't say a word, and slept. Tomorrow, I took her back to her place since we agreed to split again. After a day, she told me she's going out with that guy, and she was sending me text messages of some of what they are doing together. The next day she told me she had a lot of fun, and I said I'm happy for her, sounded like I don't mind but I really do. She said nothing between them, just having good time, and even though she really likes that guy, but she sees no future with him. In 3 days I met her, and there was the big shock. She said: "I don't love you, and I'll never love you again. I'm sure about it, and you should stop hoping. I want to start fresh, with someone new, but not in the mean time. In the mean time, I just want to be alone, travel alone, and find my self. We can stay married, but only friends, till I find someone else then we can get divorce." I told her I don't mind staying married, responsible for each other in some how till that day, because I really can not let her go, and she cannot because she does not have a job, and I must support her. She told me she feels bad she is using our money, but she thinks she has the right to use it, because I was bad during those years I was collecting this money for us, and I told her she is right, and I mean it. I really believe she has the right to enjoy this money because I made it for us, even though she quits the relationship now. I asked her why does she kiss me and play a bit with me if she does not love me and will never love me again. She said because she feels power. She feels in control, there is no love and no feelings, only power, power she felt it's on my hand for years, and she's happy it's on her hands now. I like her being this honest, I really do. Even though it hurts a lot, but I like it. I feel confused. Does she mean it when she says she does not love me and will never love me again? She says that's because she changed, and she does not like my character anymore. It's not because the old me she says, but even the new me, she does not like it. She does not like how I talk and behave. She says I'm ok, but I'm not her type on these anymore. She's been straightforward and honest, but I don't know if she really means it or not. Yes, she always criticize me all the time, in a way that's obvious she does not like how I'm, but I don't know if that's true or she's just trying not to like me because she's afraid of liking me and falling in love with me again. I love her to a degree that no one would ever imagine, but I'm so confused. I think I don't want to see the fact, so I throw it out of my head and I enjoy the moments that are left to be with her. I began to understand her need to be alone, and I'm not needy like before anymore, and I don't know if that would help or not. It's not procrastinating. As I said, I cannot end the marriage because she's dependent on me so far. If I finish it, I'll be really selfish, and I'll be bad twice. I've to keep my word, and stay, stay good, till she decides when to go. She says it's not because what I've done before. It's because she changed when she reached the 30's. She does not like my character she liked for 9 years! Her taste of men changed! Should we always be afraid from loving women because they change? I read lot of articles saying that women change their minds and their view of life a lot during their lifetime, because of the kind of hormones in their bodies. This is really scary I also read when this happens, man must go away, give space, let her live her life alone and try things by her own, be single for a while, think deeply and she will misses him eventually. I read this happens especially when women fall in love in an early age, because she feels she wasted her life on one man while she must saw, met and tried more so that she feels she picked the right one for her. Sometimes it looks like a 7 years itch to me: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=the% 20seven%20year%20itch So even if I got her into my life at that time, the same thing will happen. You read lot of other stories where men were good lovers or husbands, and women leave them too because of that reason. It's scary. So is that what really happened? She has changed? it's the 7 years itch? Or she is trying to forget about me? I'm confused! Any advice how to win her back? And sorry for the long post
TrueAwareness Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) You have no idea how i can relate. I was with my gf for 7 years(i am now 32, she is 29). We got engaged after a year together, but we decided to do things different. We told ourselves we woudlnt do things like everyone else, and we could get married in one year or even in 10. Things looked great, she felt very loved and emotionally taken care off. But after a year or so she started pushing marriage and i wasnt ready financially or mentally. I told her we should wait longer, and she agreed but wasnt happy about it. Then one of her best friends got married and she started freaking out again, this was about 4 and a half years into the relationship. I finally realized i had to get my **** together and work hard to get some stability going for us. So i stoped wasting my time and started to work very hard and ALWAYS made sure to tell her i was doing this for us. So at 5 years together i was truly focused on doing betters things and working hard on my own business projects so we could enjoy our lives in the future without a boring 24/7 life. But she started to complain that she didnt feel loved anymore, that i wasnt taking care of her emotional needs. It all became about her needs and her demands while i worked hard and stopped having any fun at all. I was truly focused in becoming better for her and having enough money to marry her. She wouldnt stop making me feel bad for things, and then when i said lets get married and eve set a date she replied "now i dont want to get married, because i wanted to a while ago and you didnt, so now i dont want to because of that". All i could think was, wow, how mature of her. All she wanted to do since the beggining of our relationship was lay in bed, have sex and go out to have fun every once i a while. But there was no drive to do anything, no desire to success and no goals at all from her part. She accused me of beign selfish but it was always her needs that neede to be met. While i asked for nothing but her support and her patience. But now that i think about it, why would she need to have "patience" like i was not worthy of having her by my side while i worked hard to become better everyday. I started being much more romantic and caring, and she would say i was only doing it because she asked me to. If i would cuddle more after sex, she would say i was forced to do it. If i would give her nice romantic notes, she would say i was being pressured by her and it wasnt natural. I cant remember a single moment of true happiness in those last 2 years. I was always stressed, feeling underapreciated and judged. While she did nothing to help things at all, only complained about what she wasnt getting. You need to realize that she is probably doing most of this things to get back at you and that is not very mature. I never cheated, i was always there for her in a heartbeat if she needed me. I would stay up endless nights taking care of her if she felt sick. I would drive her to any place she needed to go. Of course i had flaws, i was kind of jealous at times, but i never stopped her from going out with friends, and enjoying time on her own. I was never clingy but she was. I never lost my sense of commitment to her even when i didnt feel so inlove because of things she did. But she certainly lost hers. In your case. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who knows she has power over you and is just using it to make you pay. And on top of that, she just wants to have you around while she looks for someone else!?!?!?!.....wake up my friend and get your dignity back. She did the same thing to me. When we split i waited almost 3 months to contact her again, and when i did, i was dead set on earning her love again. I even found out she had slept with a guy less than 3 weeks after we broke up, and it still didnt matter to me. I wrotte her letters, a romantic song, sent her many gifts, she lead me on and even asked to stay in her apatrment with her again. We had passionate sex, we had fun again. But then she even stopped kissing me for sex and i felt like her toy. It was just sex without any sentiment, and i recalled that she used to complain that i wasnt very romantic in bed, i was always more into animal sex than tender vanilla sex, but i was also very caring and always on the lookout if she wasnt comfortable when we did it. In a nutsell she just wanted to get even. She wanted to use her new found power and just "make me pay". But i didn not deserve to be used like that. She knew i always cared about her, i never looked for other women and i always did my best to pamper all her needs. You need to remember all the good things you did. And think back on how much of an effort she put into the relationship. Edited January 25, 2013 by TrueAwareness
Chi townD Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Wow. You are the Ultimate Cuckold dude. I mean, find a spine dude! She texts you to tell you what a wonderful time she's having on her dates? And you say I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY?!?!? What's next? Her sending you pics of her and some random dude screwing with a caption saying, "This is how you take care of a woman"? She using YOUR hard earned money to finance her affairs! YOU made that money, NOT HER!!! But, she says she's entitled to it because your were "such a bad husband", now I'm going to use it to play around with other guys (and don't tell me it's to cover her living expenses, because you wrote she goes out all the time. Where the hell do you think that money is coming from?) She kisses you and cuddles with you...aanndd... she doesn't love you. You ask her why she does it and she tell you that she likes the power and control over you?!?!? Yeah, that's love right there. She says that she can never love you again, but you can remain married UNTIL SHE CAN FIND SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU WITH?!?!?!?! THEN WE CAN GET DIVORCED?!?! Here's the deal, if only by the courts, she is ONLY entitled to half that money. Not a penny more. You need to divorce her. Find a lawyer and get started. There might be some alimony for a set peroid of time, but it's sure going to be a hell of a lot less than what's she's spending now! SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! WHY ARE YOU STICKING AROUND!!!! Because YOU love her? That's where she has you by the short hairs...and she's using it to her advantage. You need to go to the bank and withdraw your half of what's left of that money and put it into your own bank account. DO NOT TELL HER YOU'RE DOING THIS!!! Or else, one day you DO go to the bank and that money will be gone because she withdrew it all because she feels SHE'S entitled to it. Get a divorce dude, she doesn't love you and she is being totally disrepectful and absolutely cruel to you. You're so blind right now and full of false hope that you don't see it. By getting a divorce, reality is going to smack her dead in the face. The money that the courts will award will probably not be enough to cover all of her expenses and most times alimony is only awarded for a set peroid of time so the Ex spouse can get back up on there feet. Butm when that period ends, she's on her own, especially if you don't have kids. So, she's going to have to get off her LAZY ASS and get a job! Look, okay... you weren't husband of the year, but you certainly DO NOT deserve this kind of treatment as some sort of penance. Did you provide her a roof over her head, clothes on her back and food on the table? Then, you weren't a bad provider. Did you beat her, spit on her and veribally abuse her? Then, you weren't a monster. So, maybe you were untentive to her emotional needs as a husband, but that certainly doesn't mean that you should be treated this way. Time to move on dude. She said it herself, she doesn't love you and she literally said she's only using you now. Time to move on, learn from your mistakes and find a woman that WILL love you unconditionally.
TrueAwareness Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) Chi TownD might sound a little harsh but he is absolutely right. And dont feel bad my friend. I myself almost fell as low as you have. I could have just as easily been there for her even if she had sex with some other guy while i was trying to get her back. But thankfully my pride didnt let me sink so low. DONT KEEP DOING THIS! This woman is horrible. She is truly just looking out to destroy you and doesnt even care that you will be scarred for life because of this. Get divorced now, before you find yourself completely prideless and messed up. I have something that you might find perfect to make you feel disgusted for being so nice. Watch this movie (i promise you wont regret watching it) All the other parts of the movie are also there on the side bar. Then come back and let me know if you still feel like beign her doormat. Edited January 25, 2013 by TrueAwareness
TrueAwareness Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Oh and if you think the movie might be boring and not worth watching. Just check this scene... Anyone that has not seen it and has felt love for someone that just went cold and stopped caring, will definitely find that scene familar in some level.
destroyed4sho Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 WOW, That short scene was COLD. But at least it was short and quick. If you are dumped like that, you know the person is messed up mentally. Why were there bruises on her face?...guess I need to watch the whole movie. I'm scared to watch it though. Relationship movies are like horror movies to me right now.
TrueAwareness Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 WOW, That short scene was COLD. But at least it was short and quick. If you are dumped like that, you know the person is messed up mentally. Why were there bruises on her face?...guess I need to watch the whole movie. I'm scared to watch it though. Relationship movies are like horror movies to me right now. To put it mildly, that scene is one of the least gut wrenching of them all. The movie is viceral in an emotional level. Worth watching for sure. It opens you eyes to how horribly selfish and empty some people can be. And by the way, that good bye scene, is hardly halfway through the movie. Much more pain and suffering awaits those two.
Author johnu9 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Thank you all As I said, the problem is that I cannot leave and get divorce. I agreed in the beginning of the marriage that I'll accept the fact that she won't consider her self married, and thus, she is free to meet other people if she wanted to. I agreed that the marriage is just buying more time from her, another chance not to leave. I agreed that I'll still be with her even though if she didn't love me after the marriage. I agree I will never leave, she is the one who has the right to leave, not me. Was it a stupid move from me? Maybe, but it was a delima. I had two hard choice: Either I take the risk on this marriage, or I lose her for all. I had to choose the first one, to buy time, to get another chance. Now while I cannot leave, that means I have to wait. The question is: shall I wait with hope or without it? Shall I wait while being around her as a friend, and a nice guy, or I go LC? .. as LC does not break our agreement. Leaving isn't an option unfortunately. I have to keep my word
TrueAwareness Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I agreed in the beginning of the marriage that I'll accept the fact that she won't consider her self married, and thus, she is free to meet other people if she wanted to. I agreed that the marriage is just buying more time from her, another chance not to leave. I agreed that I'll still be with her even though if she didn't love me after the marriage. I agree I will never leave, she is the one who has the right to leave, not me. Was it a stupid move from me? I think this is too much man. I'm sorry to say but you need to find yourself again. You have become a doormat. Watch the movie i linked. It will change your life, i promise!
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Why not move onto something "fresh" and new?
Author johnu9 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 I think this is too much man. I'm sorry to say but you need to find yourself again. You have become a doormat. Watch the movie i linked. It will change your life, i promise! Thanks. I'll see it now Actually, I saw 3 movies so far about breaking up and getting back. I saw: Eat, Pray, Love, and I read the book too. I saw Swingers & I saw Fireproof. Fireproof was great. Even that the husband shouted and got really angry on the wife, and was treating her bad for 7 years, and that she got enough of it and decided to leave, and told him she does not love him any more, they got back eventually when he changed completely. But what if you've changed and she says you're good with the new you, but still don't love you? Sometimes I think she didn't like the new me because I was very needy, sensitive and weak. I'm not anymore since she said she does not love me and she won't, because I lost the hope and I'm back to normal, and I don't know if she will like the normal me or not. I'm not a doormate. Because I see my love to her is unconditional. I love her as a wife, a girlfriend, a friend and a daughter. All what I want is to see her happy, with or without me. And this is why sometimes I think of going LC. To give her space to experience and enjoy life on her own. Either she will find the grass is greener and that will be the end of this story, or she will find it dark and she will come back. But I see her want me around and that makes it hard for me to go LC
TrueAwareness Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 She wants you around because she is waiting until she has the perfect guy to just leave you down and broken. Dont wait for that to happen. Cut the cord and let some months or even years pass. I she really loves you she will be yours again, if not, it was only going to destroy you even more to keep waiting for her to love you again. Watch the movie now! hahaha trust me, it's not meant to make you feel hopeful, its meant to make you feel angry. And anger is the next step you need to work your way to.
Author johnu9 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Why not move onto something "fresh" and new? How is that?
Author johnu9 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 She wants you around because she is waiting until she has the perfect guy to just leave you down and broken. Dont wait for that to happen. Cut the cord and let some months or even years pass. I she really loves you she will be yours again, if not, it was only going to destroy you even more to keep waiting for her to love you again. Watch the movie now! hahaha trust me, it's not meant to make you feel hopeful, its meant to make you feel angry. And anger is the next step you need to work your way to. I just saw the movie, what a masterpiece. I'm planning to buy the book that based on it: Bitter Moon by Pascal Bruckner - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists I liked where Oscar put the love as climbing a mountain. When we reach the top, we start moving down. I add, sometimes, a partner starts climbing faster than you, start asking you to climb while you stop and getting rest from time to time. He/she reaches the top before you, and start moving down before you even reach the top. The biggest problem, when you reach the top, you see him/her in his/her half way down, and you're stuck in top, you can't even move down Back to the movie: Oscar created a monster. I created a monster too. Of course I didn't do those horrible things Oscar did, but things are relative. Sometimes I do think that my wife wants to put me through what she has been through with me, ignorance, cold shoulder, fear of future. Feel how hard to please her, as she felt how hard to please me. She wants me to earn her. She does not want to come back this easy Sometime I think she is testing me too, if I really love her or not. That's based on her, If I love her I won't complain, I'll stand still, and wait This is why I think to stop this, for her and for me, I must not wait, and I must not quit. Instead of waiting, or quitting, I set with her, and tell her that I love her, I care about her, I'll do everything on reach to make her happy. She will always be my TOP priority. and will never hurt her again, but I cannot continue with this relationship anymore and we must go in a limited contact till she decides to leave as agreed. But I'm not sure yet about this
TrueAwareness Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I think you are at least finally contemplating that you need to let her go. And comparing yourself to oscar makes no sense my friend. You didnt do anything like that. You never abandoned her, you always worked hard to become better. If anything, you are acting more like Mimi than Oscar. Now you have lost your dignity by allowing her to tell you she will be with you until she finds someone better. Stop doing that right now!
Author johnu9 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 So shall I go limited contact? She didn't say it like that. She said she must be alone, and she wants to, and considered not married as we agreed. She said she is not into relationships now, she prefers to discover life, alone. Sometimes I feel she says she does not love me and will never do, so that she convinces her self that she is really free, totally free from any relationship strings, that she wants us to fall in love (if we do) as totally new persons. Like she is giving a chance for her self, and for me, but in indirect ways, and without saying it I mean of course if she says she does not love me anymore, and she wants to discover life on her own, she would also mention if she met someone she likes she might get into a relationship with him. Because if she said she won't, that will make her, and me, feel that she still loves me. It's like a persuade tool
TrueAwareness Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I think you need to split. It seems to me that she has bcome too indifferent.
Author johnu9 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 The thing is, that I love her so much. To a degree that my love became unconditional. I do the good things to her without looking for rewards, without expecting anything back from her. I'm not saying I would love to get something, but even if I didn't, that doesn't make me stop giving.
Chi townD Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 The thing is, that I love her so much. To a degree that my love became unconditional. I do the good things to her without looking for rewards, without expecting anything back from her. I'm not saying I would love to get something, but even if I didn't, that doesn't make me stop giving. And How is this being fair to yourself? Wouldn't you want a partner in life that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be? To show you the same amount of love an affection that you show them? She's already told you she doesn't want you. What more do you need?!?! If you love her, then let her go. ANd then you'll be free to find the right girl for you. I think you're wasting your time.
Author johnu9 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 This happend yesterday She said she wants me to drive her somewhere. The timing she choose means I would sleep for only like 3 or 4 hours and then I have to wake up to drive her (she does not have a car). I said I can't because I need to sleep. She got upset. I said c'mon darling I need to sleep more, she said well get up, I need to go at this time. We looked to each other and I found how upset she is, then I agreed. But to her, it was like too late to agree. I tried nicely to tell her that when I say no, I don't mean that's a definite answer, it's negotiable, let's talk. She does not like to talk, and she says that I need to open a discussion for everything. That I like discussions. I don't, I just do open them so that I can understand her point of view, but she's like bored of it, she wants someone who understands her and her needs on the fly. Anyway, I said I will wake up and drive you there, just give me a call when you're ready, and she said she's not sure, but she will see, then I left. She called me 2 hours later than the time she choose, and told me if I can drive her, and that she gave me 2 hours more so that I get enough sleep. I admit it, that was kind of her, she is kind afterall. I said ok am coming, and asked her how much of time would she need, because I just remembered that I must come back early because I have to go to the bank before they close to make a transfer that cannot be done online. She said why don't you go now before you come to me, I said if you're ok to be delayed for 1 more hour that's ok with me, and she agreed. When I went to her and drove her, she said, nicely, that she is mad at me, and she wants to tell me why but she's afraid I would say that she is taking everything towards me in a very sensitive way. I smiled and said I would not. She said she's mad because I was trying to limit her time by saying I got to go back early for the bank. Instead, the idea of going to the bank first should cross my mind, not to limit her time by saying I got to come back early. I said oh no I didn't mean to limit your time, and the idea of going to the bank first didn't cross my mind because I thought it would be better for you to come early than to leave late. She said no, when you you said it, your tone was like to limit my time. She always complain about my tone. And I always tell her darling, forget about my tone, you have a problem with it because you connect how it's to those times when I was bad. I'm not bad anymore, I've changed, my intentions and meaning have changed too even If my tone didn't. Look at what I'm not doing, not to my tone. I always do what you want with full satisfaction. Even now, I'm good, happy, and has no complains at all about waking up and taking you. But she insists that my tone was clear enough that I'm upset and was trying to limit her time. We got into a 10 min argument, me trying to convince her that I'm not, and she trying to proof that I was. This is a kind of arguments we get into it many, many, many times, while I try to tell her that I didn't mean what she understood, while she tries to proof that I meant it the way she understood. She says either you mean it, or you've a problem with how you express what you want to say, and in both cases, I don't like it, and this is one of the reasons I don't love you anymore. Anyway, during our last argument, she said it again, either you meant it like I understood, or you've a problem with your tone that I don't like, and with expressing your self and choosing your words. Otherwise, why this happening to me only with you? I don't feel it with other and friends. When she said that, I felt my heart really broken. By comparing me with others and friends, and that I always upset her. I felt really bad, and immediately said: ok, I will get you back to your home and find someway to go where you want to go. Then started to talk for like 5 min while she totally began to be calm and really hurt. I said if you always feel misunderstood with me, and find me like I'm not choosing my words wisely and I cannot express my self, and above of these, you don't love me anymore, why you want to keep getting out with me? I talked about this like for 5 min, and then all what she said is: just take me home. I said no I will continue taking you to where you want to go, I'm sorry I overreacted but you really hurt me by comparing me with others and giving me the feeling that I upset you always. She insisted quitely to take her home, so this is what I did. 15 min later she called me to come again, I went to her, she said take me again to where I want to go, but we will never talk. Everything I want from you now and on, will be just for purpose, nothing more, no talks. I agreed, and we went. In the way back, I tried to apologize, and she said don't even apologize.I bought her a gift she refused to accept. When we reached her place and stopped, she said she wants divorce. That the idea of not taking her to where she wants to go, and saying I will take her back home, shows to her that deep inside myself, I'm a bad person. Even I changed my mind and apologized, just having this idea even for 1 sec in my mind gives her a feeling that she can't be secure with me, and she can't trust me at all And then we got into a calm open discussion for an hour. Where she said her love to me lasted for 7 years even though I was bad with her because she was young and naive and that has changed now. That things might be better but now she resizes they won't. That even If I've changed to be a better person, there are things deep inside me shows I'm not, like what happened today. That whatever is, she doesn't like me. She does not like how I talk, how I behave, that she always like these on me when she loved me, because she was desperate, naive, and she just wanted to convince her self that I'm good in everything so that she can deal with my bad treatment. It was a honest discussion, but hurst a lot. These are the thoughts circling on my mind now: - Am I really bad person by getting hurt of what said when she compared me with others, and then saying I will her back home? She said this is like the worst thing I've ever done to her once I changed to the better, and it was like the sign to her that even I changed to the better, deep in me a bad man lies. - When we get into an argument, I swear, all what I want to do is to understand her. But she insists that I'm trying to prove my point of view, that I'm right and she's wrong. I do always tell her clearly that I'm not, but she always insist that I'm. She is it' criticizing her by saying all the time, I didn't meant this. I'm criticizing her understanding, and I'm criticizing her behavior towards me that it's wrong and sensitive. She always say sorry you're sorry and enough. I tell her I'm sorry, but I want to understand what upsets you darling so that I don't do the same thing again in a different context. Then she starts to get really upset that I love discussions again. I tell her darling, if you don't talk, how come you will get into another relationship. She says: When I love someone else, he will understand me on the fly, he won't need a discussion. She says there might be nothing wrong with me, it just that we don't understand each other. I don't know, but since I knew her 9 years ago, she is like a one that needs a manual with 2000 pages, or I'm the one who needs it or as she says, or as she says both of us are simple and normal, and it's just that we are two different people. But I feel like we are not different, We have lot in common. And I always feel even if we upset each other sometimes, isn't this what happen in every relationship? Isn't the major thing is to be calm, open, talk and discuss nicely? Is she really looking for someone that will understand her on the fly? Or that she is looking for someone who might make a mistake, but understands what to do next without discussions? It really hurts. When I changed to the better, it was too late, she lost her interest to me. I'm out of options of what to do next other them opening a discussion. I cannot hug her, I cannot kiss her, I cannot take her to a good place, I cannot show any emotions or romance. She won't accept any of these. I'm out of options. The only thing I can do is to open a discussion!
Author johnu9 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 She wants you around because she is waiting until she has the perfect guy to just leave you down and broken. Dont wait for that to happen. Cut the cord and let some months or even years pass. I she really loves you she will be yours again, if not, it was only going to destroy you even more to keep waiting for her to love you again. Watch the movie now! hahaha trust me, it's not meant to make you feel hopeful, its meant to make you feel angry. And anger is the next step you need to work your way to. And How is this being fair to yourself? Wouldn't you want a partner in life that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be? To show you the same amount of love an affection that you show them? She's already told you she doesn't want you. What more do you need?!?! If you love her, then let her go. ANd then you'll be free to find the right girl for you. I think you're wasting your time. That will lead us to the question: What is love? Is it a perfect match? I never believed it is. Love strikes, then you compromise, talk, understand each other, tolerate, till you find yourself a great match, and you will never be perfect. Love comes first, not the match. Of course you've to have many things in common (initial match) so the love can strike, but with the life, and the years, differences and arguments would appear, and you both have to deal with them nicely. Love is something you can't just replace and move on easily. I don't love you because you're a good match, I love you because I love you. If you're a good match, I might like you, hang out with you, be friends. But love is something different. I know there are many girls out there who can be a great match, who I might like to talk an laugh with, but I'll never love them.
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Well, that post was confusing as hell. The only thing I got from that is: She wanted you to drop everything and drive her around...like...NOW!! You haven't slept, but you have to go to prove your love and devotion to her? Basically, she asked you to drop everything and kiss her ass; however, she didn't like your TONE when you agreed to kiss her ass and she got upset. NOW, she pretty much told you that she's going to use you For anything that SHE wants for her purpose ONLY. Not discussion, no talk.....nothing. So, you can now add personal driver to your resume. Dude, you need to start doing the 180 on her. If you don't know what that is, here it is: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." So, by doing this 180, it gives them the idea that you're moving on without them. That they're giving up a person that has changed and is exactly fun to be around. And if this doesn't work, the 180 also helps you disengage from the marriage.
Author johnu9 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Believe me Chi townD, if this was like the most breakups, I would leave and move on. But this one is complicated, I cannot leave, and cannot do the 180 either. As when we got married, I agreed that this is not a real marriage, it's more like buying more time from her to reconsider the relationship and finds out if she will love me again or not. And I agreed too that if she finds out that this relationship won't work, and even asked for divorce, I must still be around, and support her till she finds her way to be independent. No matter how long it will take Now after 6 months of marriage, she sees the relationship won't work. But she sees I have to keep my word too that I be around and support her financially. Now As I said before, was it a wrong move to accept the marriage under these terms? I don't know, but the other option was just to let her go. It's a delima. Two hard options. I had to accept the marriage under these terms on the hope that things will be fine, because that time I've changed to the better and I thought she will like me and love me again. But apparently, she didn't. Today I told her if we get divorce, we shouldn't see or talk to each other ever again. I cannot tell you how much upset she was. I was like trying to break the agreement. So I told her that I'm just asking her if that's ok to her, because it's really hard to me. She didn't take it, and I said I will keep my word then and do what I promised you to do. Now but not being able to leave or do the 180, I'm totally confused what to do? After what happend today I see only one way so far: just go over it. Set with her, let her understand that I have no hope into the relationship anymore and I know it's over. But as we have to stay together till she goes independent, we have to be really nice friends. I mean really nice. No baggages, no judgments, no criticizing, no emotions and overreacting and sensitivity. She must understand that we do have separate lives now. She must sees me as a new man, a new friend, and she must not connect anything I do with the old me That will be even good for me. Because it will take me back to normal. The new good me, but normal. When I become normal, I'll listen much better, will understand her much better, will talk much better. Because I know I do liste, understand and talk to all people really good. Those emotions and devastations with her are the ones which always shat down my brain, and put me in a place where I was always seeking for her approval disparately. And her two, knowing that I'll love her disparately, made her do bad things, even If she didn't feel it. Because I know her, and how a good person she is with others she's attached to. Any suggestions?
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