thatonechick Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I really can't believe I'm on here doing this, maybe I just need to feel like I have support in this situation. Okay, here is the story: Basicially I fell in love with a married man when I was 16. He was in his mid 20's. There are so many details that I can't share for fear of someone recognizing the story, but I know mine isn't the only one. Essentially, we carried on what I would consider an emotional affair for several years. We were never physical. Although, there has been some incredible tension, and one close call (just an attempt at a kiss) which I stopped (I wish hadn't knowing what I do now). He admitted to me at one point that he had wanted a divorce shortly after he had gotten married, but she became pregnant. After years of intense feelings and confusion on my part, I cut the relationship off. I was heartbroken and devasted. My life definitely took a downhill turn after I ceased contact with him. After going through some hardship, I hit a breaking point with myself, and was looking for answers. I ended up reaching out to him in an attempt to shed some light on my darkness. Now we are speaking again, and see each other when we can. We live in different towns. The feelings of love are still there, but still no physical relationship. We do hold each other and hold hands sometimes. We tell one another that we love each other, and how important each of us is to the other. When we are close like that it is the most amazing feeling. I've never felt this connected to anyone. He has a family still of course, and I can't imagine him hurting them. In fact, I would never ask him to, nor would I let him leave them for me. I also know he never would because he loves his children so much. I care about the importance of family structure. I have also never loved anyone as much as I love this man. I tried to forget about him for a long time. I guess I would rather have him in my life in this small capacity than not at all. Any supportive advice is welcome.
SunshineToday Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Im sorry you are in pain. You say he loves his children and would never hurt them. Having a secret relationship with an OW is hurting his children. Not to mention his wife. Hope you can find strength in yourself to let him go and find a man who puts you first. Or else tell him your done until you have his divorce decree. If you 2 continue the path you are on, be prepared for a lot of pain for you and many others. 5
Kbg16 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I think you should let him go.You wouldn't want someone to have a affair with your husband.As hard as it may be.If it is really meant to be he will choose you.But if he is still with his wife I would defently back off
KathyM Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 By making this choice, you are, of course, cheating yourself out of a real relationship with someone who could be there fully and completely with you and not someone who is torn between you and his wife and family. There is a huge opportunity cost for you in continuing with this man. I guess you have to ask yourself, do you want to have the whole package with a man who can give you all the time and attention that you deserve, and can give of his heart completely without guilt, or do you want someone you have to share with a wife and children, who you have to keep a secret, who will be there for you only on a very limited basis, and who will be giving of himself physically and emotionally to another woman also (his wife). There are many men in the world who could provide you with the kind of relationship you would want, but you have to be willing to give up this MM in order to find someone who can give you a real relationship. Don't waste more years of your life in a pseudo relationship. It will only prevent you/delay you in finding a relationship that can give you the whole package. Life is too short to waste the best years of your life on someone that is not available to have a real relationship with. 3
MissBee Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I really can't believe I'm on here doing this, maybe I just need to feel like I have support in this situation. Okay, here is the story: Basicially I fell in love with a married man when I was 16. He was in his mid 20's. There are so many details that I can't share for fear of someone recognizing the story, but I know mine isn't the only one. Essentially, we carried on what I would consider an emotional affair for several years. We were never physical. Although, there has been some incredible tension, and one close call (just an attempt at a kiss) which I stopped (I wish hadn't knowing what I do now). He admitted to me at one point that he had wanted a divorce shortly after he had gotten married, but she became pregnant. After years of intense feelings and confusion on my part, I cut the relationship off. I was heartbroken and devasted. My life definitely took a downhill turn after I ceased contact with him. After going through some hardship, I hit a breaking point with myself, and was looking for answers. I ended up reaching out to him in an attempt to shed some light on my darkness. Now we are speaking again, and see each other when we can. We live in different towns. The feelings of love are still there, but still no physical relationship. We do hold each other and hold hands sometimes. We tell one another that we love each other, and how important each of us is to the other. When we are close like that it is the most amazing feeling. I've never felt this connected to anyone. He has a family still of course, and I can't imagine him hurting them. In fact, I would never ask him to, nor would I let him leave them for me. I also know he never would because he loves his children so much. I care about the importance of family structure. I have also never loved anyone as much as I love this man. I tried to forget about him for a long time. I guess I would rather have him in my life in this small capacity than not at all. Any supportive advice is welcome. I'm curious, if you don't mind sharing, how old are you now? One advice I have is: the fantasy of a relationship that has never panned out can be quite captivating, preventing one from being open to finding and building relationships elsewhere. It's not always because this person is your true love why you can't move on. I do not believe one person on earth is your true love, and especially if circumstances are such that they cannot be with you, it probably means that while they are ONE of your matches, they are not theeee only match. If you don't want him to ever leave, are you saying from now until death you want an A with him? I hope not. I hope you consider what I'm saying and especially if you're young, you free up yourself to accept he was one of your matches but if you're open, you can find happiness elsewhere. Have you dated/had an important relationship with another since you were 16? 1
ThatJustHappened Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It's unlikely that his wife's pregnancy was accidental. It sounds like he was telling you that to lay the groundwork for using his kids as an excuse not to leave his wife for you. It's clear that you are intensely emotionally attached to this man..intense emotions are common for teenagers and young adults. I had a relationship in my early 20's that was extremely volatile and co-dependent. He wasn't married, but he was cheating on me the whole time and I had myself convinced that I couldn't live without him. Guess what? I did, and still do live without him. You can too. If you stop accepting breadcrumbs. 1
Author thatonechick Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. I understand all of them and appreciate the feedback. Here is a little more info for those interested. No, I am not 16 anymore. With the exception of a big break from him for many years (on my request too, not his), I've known this person well over a decade. I wont give my exact age, but let's just say I've been out of college for a while. Yes, in response to the questions about my having other serious relationships. I have been in several adult relationships, and did love most of them. I am currently in a loving relationship, but I do see an end in sight. I always do. I have never married, nor do I have children, and frankly, I've never wanted either. I made that decision long ago, before I met this man. I know all of the cliche' that goes along with this story, but let me clarify a few things. I don't believe we have only one "great love" in our lives. I have loved and been loved by others. So yes, I understand I may fall in love on a very spiritual level again. I do believe that there are people whom we just gravitate towards. What I didn't explain very well before, is that his wife does know we communicate. She knows we are close. She doesn't know me very well, but we are trying to figure out how to explain this friendship so as to not hurt his family. He did end up introducing me to his kids...which was a bit weird I admit. We know there are certain lines that just can't be crossed. We have both admitted to each other that we are more happy and focused by being in one another's lives. I noticed my life attitude considerably got more positive after I contacted him again. I know he was happy I reached out too. I have a very open mind about love. I'm just curious if other people have a friendship like this. Let me make it clear that I have never wanted to settle down with just one man. I know that sounds terrible, but this friendship isn't holding back the possibility of new romances. I've had plenty of success in that department (meaning I don't find it difficult to connect and create a fulfilling relationship). The idea of long-term commitment is not in my nature though. Who knows? Maybe that is why this friendship is important to me. I have the emotional connection that I need, but without the restrictions of a committed relationship. Okay, that's all for now. Again, I appreciate the feedback.
Author thatonechick Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 I didn't mean to ignore. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate this forum, because I've never been on one....learning though. This is very new to me, discussing this situation with people I don't know, and who don't know me. I'm in the process of taking everything in and thinking through the replies.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) The soul mate statement is EMR lingo and standard in most affairs. The I don't want him to leave for me is universal OW lingo and is a tool to give the impression they are not home wreckers. I am surprised she did not say I never planned to have an affair, it just happened. That is another universal phrase in EMRs. I am a bit upset at MOM who was in his mid 20s and giving all this attention to a 16 year old girl. He must be a piece of work. The poster is risking losing her entire youth for the loser MOM. I can relate to the OP. Just in terms of preferring to have a little bit of her MM rather than nothing at all. As far as her not wanting him to leave his family for her...well, if it were me, I'd WANT him to leave and be with me 100%. Of course I would. And I think she does too, but won't say it for fear of sounding heartless towards his family and wife. Or maybe she's just someone who doesn't feel she deserves proper love with her soulmate. That'd be sad if that's the case. Also, something stuck out in my head about this scenario. Does the OP feel that he really is her soulmate because (1) she feels such strong love for him, and (2) she has felt such strong love for him for so long even despite trying to move on without him? I think so. And what I also think is that she and her MM have been in the very early stages of limerence (or PRE-limerence, rather) their WHOLE "relationship" (I only put that in " " not to belittle their feelings for each other, but because they haven't actually embarked on a relationship yet) because of his situation. They have never been able to be together, and so their feelings have continued in this stage, as if stunted in growth. They've never been allowed to grow. And maybe some people assume that if this happens, the feelings eventually fade and die and "it wasn't meant to be", but if the feelings REMAIN, that they must be "real". Not so. It just depends on the two people involved. With this whole relationship so far, it's been "if only..." and "what if..." and "if we were together..." and "I wish"...that sort of thing. I know ALL about this. It fuels your feelings and the relationship as such. Fantasies. Hopes. Dreams. Wishes. Longings. It feeds the limerence. Because nothing concrete is ever experienced or realised. No needs are ever satisfied. So they continue on... On another note, I don't think a man in his mid 20s having romantic feelings for a 16 year old girl is necessarily bad. That's irrelevant here, but depending how long ago this is, it is fairly relevant to the OP in terms of her potential lack of relationships and romantic life experience in general. Basically, I think either he leaves his marriage and tries out a relationship with the OP, or he stays where he is but embarks on an affair with the OP, or he cuts all contact with the OP, OR he just stays friends with the OP. Neither of these options is ideal or guaranteed success and happiness though. If the MM and the OP DO embark on an affair, it will either end happily if he eventually leaves his wife, or it'll continue on for however long it lasts for, with moments of intense elation and happiness as well as many, MANY moments of pain, insecurity, jealousy, low self worth, fear, anxiety and unhappiness. Believe me, I've been there. EDIT / UPDATE - I just read the OP's further post, and I have to change some of my opinions now. I understand being happier and just feeling more "right" having that person in your life, even if you can't be WITH him. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also don't think there's anything wrong with the OP's viewpoint that she doesn't see herself settling down with just one person. That's fine if it's right for her, and it WOULD prevent (maybe) her getting too hurt by anything that may or may not happen with her MM. Edited January 27, 2013 by stevie_23
Got it Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 The soul mate statement is EMR lingo and standard in most affairs. The I don't want him to leave for me is universal OW lingo and is a tool to give the impression they are not home wreckers. I am surprised she did not say I never planned to have an affair, it just happened. That is another universal phrase in EMRs. I am a bit upset at MOM who was in his mid 20s and giving all this attention to a 16 year old girl. He must be a piece of work. The poster is risking losing her entire youth for the loser MOM. Contrary your expertise this is said not because of what you assume. Why do you think someone says that, looking at it logically and literally? Why do you think someone says they don't want someone to leave for them? Do you think that MAYBE it has more to do with not wanting the weight of someone's life decision being on them and carrying the weight of their happiness on them. Whether or not I was to be viewed as a homewrecker and my thoughts on that had little to do with my feelings about why he was divorcing. I know, for myself, I wanted to leave my marriage because it was the right decision for me so my satisfaction level with it was not predicated on my relationship with dMM. And it hasn't been. I have not regretted divorcing as it was the right decision for that relationship.
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