FailedFirstLove Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I went Nc for almost a month and it was the hardest thing in my life. I almost went insane. Oneday I just randomly called the ex without thinking. I know he wants to be friends. And the thing is I just love hearing him. I was gonna go insane not being able to communicate. he told me there is a reason why he can't be with me and he can't tell me... It's his family and the don't like me. Is it possible that I can try become distant friends with him? it's probably a bad idea but I'm going insane!
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Worst. Idea. Ever. It just makes the inevitable break even harder and omg I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone, when he eventually says he wants to see other people. You know what though? It's a million times better than panicking every time he goes out with his mates. Normally I'd have gotten lots of texts throughout the evening, so the minute he went quiet I died a thousand deaths. You do not need that sh.it. Trust me. I'm much better after 3 weeks NC. The only thing that panics me now is the thought of it being inadvertently broken - I am paranoid he is going to meet a colleague or friend on a dating website or that his sister in law will let something slip - and it really is better than the alternative. Trust me. I wish I'd gone NC at the time. This sh.it would just be a distant memory by now! 1
Stoic44 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 No. Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends": Scientific American
Author FailedFirstLove Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I know what you mean. But the first month of Nc. I completely went berserk!!! There's a problem I guess and his family isn't gonna like anyone he is with. He tells me he still loves me and all. His meant to be alone to look after his family till they move out. There's a little hope. But I'm more hoping to talk to him to help with the pain a little till I can just be like I don't need to hope anymore and move on.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I know what you mean. But the first month of Nc. I completely went berserk!!! There's a problem I guess and his family isn't gonna like anyone he is with. He tells me he still loves me and all. His meant to be alone to look after his family till they move out. There's a little hope. But I'm more hoping to talk to him to help with the pain a little till I can just be like I don't need to hope anymore and move on. That's not going to happen. You aren't going to be able to talk to him to lose hope. You'll just get more and more confused. You have to stick with NC if you want to move on, otherwise you'll just go round and round with him over and over again. NC is hard, but most things worth doing are hard. That's why they are worth doing. Maybe eventually after a long time apart you can be friends with him, but after a month when you are still emotionally attached? Not a chance. Your planned strategy is a disaster in the making.
soccerrprp Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 yes it is... it depends on a lot of things though including how mature you are, what the breakup was over and if you are really friends... I still talk to a few of my exes... there are no romantic feelings on either side and we get on perfectly fine... I am friends with a few of my exes as well. I talk (text) daily with a couple of them. 1
Author FailedFirstLove Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Ok it's not going to work. I have to just go back to dying in Nc. there Is still all feelings invovled. And I'll only hope and hope just for him to crush me. I was hoping that I would lose hope and attachment over time without going through so much pain. But I guess it doesn't work that way
oracle Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I don't know yet. I have lived with mine for 2.5 years post break. Its been back and forth on the closeness. I find the only way I can start building and independant life is by really pulling away
church9832 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It is possible, but very hard. It takes two mature and kind adults to get it through their head that they have to stop fighting and make the best out of the situation. Those friendships are types where you two have accepted that you couldn't work out as a couple and can work out as friends. I had a very good friend I was crushing on and we would hug and sleep on each other sometimes, but she rejected me. It was awkward for the first few weeks, but we settled our differences because we couldn't live out each other. Now she's like a little sister I know it was an easier situation but its the only example I got. If you two can live without each other and break away (as if there is a possibility) then you two are better of apart. It hurts like hell though.
cavalier99 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAY RIGHT NOW ....In a year or 2 of NC and fully recovered enough to have lunch with the ex and meet the new significant other and their baby. SURE
Coping Vortex Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 The question is what are you looking to accomplish? If you want to get away from your ex for good and heal then NC is the way to go. However, if you want to ever have any chance to get back with them some day, NC will end that possibility for sure. Communication is the key to any relationship. if your ex's new relationship goes through phases and you are there at the Right time you have a shot of possibly getting something going again. However, that is huge IF. Everything would have to break right. The other issue is the pain. I tried the friend breadcrumb thing with me ex for a few weeks. It was brutal to not have romantic talk anymore with her as she saved all of the for her new man. Plus I had to hear that she was "going away for the weekend" code for I'm sleeping with my BF all weekend you won't hear from me. So if you have though enough skin and can endure huge amounts of pain but want to keep that line of communication open (the only way you would have any possibility of being there when the time is right) Everyone on here will totally disagree with my suggestion that you keep communication but if you are totally gone form their life how can you ever seek to part of their life at any point. Again it comes to pain threshold. I know in my relationship in the past my ex was sepaerated form her husband and at a few points went back to him in the midst of seeing me. When she went back I heard nothing from her thinking she was happy with her decision. At some point I reached out to her and I was surprised she was very depressed and missed me and wanted to reach out to me several times but felt embarrassed and thought I had moved on. if I stayed NC I would have never known how she felt and we ended up getting back and it was better than ever. However, at this point she is divorced now and while we were togther she now is with someone new and we are BU. I am big on communication but at some point you need to save yourself and heal. I am NC now as the pain with trying the breadcrumb thing was too tough. But part of me feels I need to communicate with her. I know I still live in her heart somewhere. And you never no if that flame can be ignited again., I mean I spent years with her and was her rock for years. i helped her through many bad times during her divorce. I know she will never forget that and the fact she has only known this new guy for two months. So who is to say what is the right course. You have to decide what level of pain do you want. Go NC heal but never have the possibility of being with your ex again. Or do the friend breadcrumb thing and have to deal with a totally different relationship then what you had. Tough choice.
Samilia Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Ihe told me there is a reason why he can't be with me and he can't tell me ops I just hung up 1
KatZee Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It's very possible. But not now. Not at all. Right now you need to do what's best for you, and that's go complete NC. It's hard. It sucks. We've all been there, but you need to push through. Take it a day at a time. Soon a day turns into a week, a week into two, two into a month... and before you know it you'll wake up one day and realize you haven't thought of him for half the day. Stay busy, go out with your friends, make new friends, do all the things you never had time to do because you were with him. A friendship is impossible as long as one person is still in love with the other. Only when both have moved on completely, dated others, can they be friends. Right now I'm friends with my first love. It's crazy because I recall the day I was madly in love with him, would have married him. To this day he's still the best boyfriend I've ever had. We still talk, to this day and we dated 11 years ago. There are no feelings left for him but fondness, and good memories. I actually still have the huge love letter he wrote for me all those years ago. It's amazing to see how far we've come, how we've grown, and how we still keep in touch. Definitely possible. 1
Pinky777 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Not right now, in your case – you still harbor feelings for him. Maybe down the line, but not anytime soon. To really be friends you have to be 100% OK with any new girlfriends he might have and have ZERO expectations of getting back together. I thought I could be friends with my ex – and everything went great for about 6 weeks or so after our BU, we were in LC and on friendly terms. I missed him terribly but talking to him here and there was betting than not talking to him at all. Or so I thought. The problem with being friends with your ex right away is when they’re always just a phone call away, you expect a certain level of contact and get upset if they don’t reach out as much as you want. They’re there, just within reach, but so distant at the same time; it’s a confusing place to be. LC with the ex ended when I drunk dialed him on New Year’s Eve upset because he didn’t bother to text me happy new year. I was beyond wasted but what a dumb thing to be upset about, in retrospect. I mean, I wouldn’t have cared if were anyone else but with the ex it’s different. It hurts. He didn’t pick up which I’m thankful for but I sent a few whiny texts and he told me the next morning I was being ridiculous. He’s right of course. I apologized right away in the morning but we haven’t had contact since. Only time will tell if we’ll talk again in the future but right now he’s gone for good and it’s actually easier because I’ve stopped looking at my phone to see if he called. I don’t expect it anymore.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 However, if you want to ever have any chance to get back with them some day, NC will end that possibility for sure. This isn't true at all. While the purpose of NC first and foremost is to move on, it also gives a person a chance to miss you and it gives both people a chance to calm down, reset their feelings and gain more perspective. Then in the future if they run into each other there's a better chance of them having a relationship, be it as friends or lovers. You can't miss something that never leaves. While NC isn't for reconciliation, the psychology behind it can lead to more effective reconciliatons. That's what great about it, either you move on or you reconcile. Win-win. 1
BiancaLDN Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 No, it's not possible unless you're made of stone.
morichu Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I think it's possible but not in your case. If you just broke up with one, or if it's the last one you had I don't think so. If it's an ex you haven't talked to in years and both of you have moved on then yeah it's possible to still check up on them occasionally in a platonic way.
h3braica Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 it's possible but it takes time. you will know it and feel it.
na49 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Someone convince me that even if I do become friends with my ex. She won't want me back and will only see me as a friend. I've been so f*cked lately, I'm thinking if I become her friend she may want me back more than me never talking to her.
Coping Vortex Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 This isn't true at all. While the purpose of NC first and foremost is to move on, it also gives a person a chance to miss you and it gives both people a chance to calm down, reset their feelings and gain more perspective. Then in the future if they run into each other there's a better chance of them having a relationship, be it as friends or lovers. You can't miss something that never leaves. While NC isn't for reconciliation, the psychology behind it can lead to more effective reconciliatons. That's what great about it, either you move on or you reconcile. Win-win. I disagree totally. Communication os the key to any relationship. Once you get over an ex for good, how many people really get back together at that point? None that I know of. My view of NC is for only one thing moving on, not getting a relationship back together. Don't kid yourself into thinking NC is for reconciliation on any way possible.
Coping Vortex Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Someone convince me that even if I do become friends with my ex. She won't want me back and will only see me as a friend. I've been so f*cked lately, I'm thinking if I become her friend she may want me back more than me never talking to her. As I said in a earlier post I am all for communication. For me NC is not for trying to get an ex back. if you try to stay friends can you get your ex back? In my opinion, maybe but very remote chance. If they rely on you to tell them their thoughts and feelings, even in a "friend zone" they may start to see you as more of a friend and more of a confidant. A key component in getting back with your ex. BUT there are two things I see that are against you. Once you are a friend they don't see you as a "lover" you would have to reinvent yoursef to them as a NEW confidant and lover. You can't go back to the way it was. How many relationships start as a friends? A lot do! But this is a weird dynamic you are attempting as there is a big loss of respect. But the real killer is how much are you willing to swallow? Do you want to hear about them planning a vacation with their new lover? Or to hear about their sex life together etc?? If you want to be a real friend you will be subjected to all of what goes on in their lives. Most people me included can't take that level honesty. If you aren't going to be that "available" as a friend how close can you really get to them? Double edged sword. If you say "I don't want to hear about your BF/GF" then you will be subjected to discussions on the weather and whats for dinner. Just bread crumbs.
na49 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I actually told my ex I didn't want to hear about her new boy and all of the "cute things" she was doing for him. She got really defensive. I don't think I could handle hearing about another guy in her life and I guess you kind of have to if you try to be their "friend" because honestly what else can they talk to you about? The weather. You aren't going to be talking about your relationship with them because they won't want to. So they talk about their life right now. and their life right now is with them.
Coping Vortex Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I actually told my ex I didn't want to hear about her new boy and all of the "cute things" she was doing for him. She got really defensive. I don't think I could handle hearing about another guy in her life and I guess you kind of have to if you try to be their "friend" because honestly what else can they talk to you about? The weather. You aren't going to be talking about your relationship with them because they won't want to. So they talk about their life right now. and their life right now is with them. The defense rests.
Coping Vortex Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I actually told my ex I didn't want to hear about her new boy and all of the "cute things" she was doing for him. She got really defensive. I don't think I could handle hearing about another guy in her life and I guess you kind of have to if you try to be their "friend" because honestly what else can they talk to you about? The weather. You aren't going to be talking about your relationship with them because they won't want to. So they talk about their life right now. and their life right now is with them. One of the lasts texts I had with my ex before I went 100% NC was that she was telling me she was having a terrible day. being a "friend" I tried to be there for and wanted to find what was happening and i was there for her. Her problem that day??? She was having a hard time getting her ex husband to let her have the kids for the weekend so her new BF can take them all to the mountains. Ouch!!!!!!! Needless to say my weekend was filled up with mages of them all having fun on the slopes and him ****ing her by the fire at night.
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