Girlfriend Says She Needs Space... Uh-Oh

[miracore]

Hey guys,

 

So I've been dating this girl for a year now. I'm really interested in her and I love her to death. But the past few months, things just haven't been the same. She has a lot going on in her life right now and it seems to only get more stressful and now shes asking for a break. Let me elaborate.

 

When I first met her, we were both in weird situations in our life's. She was addicted to a certain drug and I was dealing them. Long story short, I saw good in her, past her addiction (which was pretty bad). We both were obsessed with each other and literally dropped out of college one semester to get to know one another and she basically lived at my house (like I said, she was not in a good situation). We grew stronger with each other and loved each other every second we had together. It was January 2012 when we met. A few months went on, and we are really into each other. At this point, it really felt like she was the one. But more recently (within these past couple months), her mom and dad are divorced and are not getting in a better situation right now, which break her heart. Her brother has been in the hospital for the past 5 days and is planning on going into rehab soon for his drug addiction. I recently got in a car accident and totaled my car, so she has been driving to me every other day and spends the night with me a lot for the past month. On top on that, she has a part time job (20 hours a week) and has classes this semester (8 hours).

 

So here's where this conversation between me and her having space all started. Jan 20th was my 21st birthday. A night before, we got in a fight because she told me she was gonna come see me after a long time and I waited for her all day and she later texted me saying she made plans with her girlfriends and was drinking wine, so she couldn't drive. I got upset with her and told her how I felt as she has been saying things and not sticking to her word with me recently, which isn't like her at all. Out of anger the next morning (which was my birthday), I told her not to come see me because she brought up the situation from last night (which I thought we were both over). Later that afternoon, I asked her what she was up to, and she said she made plans with her girlfriend's again and plan to drink wine. Now, Im not going to lie, I was pretty pissed. I mean, shes the love of my life, and she made other plans on my 21st birthday? I told her she crossed the line, and I was hurt. Later that night, when I was celebrating, she came over, and I wasn't expecting her. A friend drove her over and when she came inside, she pulled me over to the side to tell me how sorry she was and started crying. She told me she just wants to forget about everything we were fighting about that night and just get ****ed up. I respected her for coming over in the end and she is my love so of course I didn't want to be anything but happy on my 21st birthday celebrating with my friends and got ****ed up with her. It was great! But the next morning is where it all started...

 

So we both woke up and eventually, I started talking to her about how shes made me feel the past few months in general and told her I wanna feel loved again, because I wasn't feeling it from her. Then she told me she needs space. Oh, this dreaded line. What I can say about us though is that we are honest with each other ALL the time and she is very real and genuine (one of the reasons why I fell in love with her). She told me the reason is because, and I quote, "I need time and space to figure out if you're the one or not because I have so much going on I can't handle it and I owe it to myself to be alone for a little bit. That's all I want." She went on reassuring me that she DOESN'T want to be with another man or anyone else but me. She continued on telling me how much she loves me and has been wanting to do this for a few months now (which sorta explains why our relationship has been ****ty the past few months). She told me she just hasn't been wanting to because she truly scared of losing me and she doesn't want to! She's crying to me the whole time she talking. Of course, at the time she told me that, I was very upset. I told her I didn't understand why she was doing this and explained to her that I would be not contacting her at all as it would not be fair to me, it would be torturous. She told me she understood, and I gave her a big hug and kiss and lead her out my door. At this point, I'm so upset. I didn't know what to do with myself. I know she cares about me and loves me to death. She wouldn't have done A LOTTT of things in out relationship if she didn't care about me.

 

At first, I didn't know what to take of what she told me. So, I started surfing the internet and eventually found a thread that on these forums from 2006 with a guy explaining his situation which was very very similar to mine, saying the girl needed space and blah blah blah. Some people were giving advice of playing the no-contact "game" with her, not talking to her AT ALL, unless she contact you but if she does, make it really short and never bring up the relationship. A lot of people seemed to agree with the fact that the girl was completely over her and is into another guy or something. But I seriously doubt I'm in the same situation and is why I am posting this thread for further advice and perspectives. But I really think this no-contact thing is working out and heres why.

 

Since the day she wanted space (5 days ago), shes been texting me ALLL THE TIME. Telling me how upset and empty she feels and just cant stop thinking about me. She went on telling me how miserable she feels all the time and tells me she feels like the days are soooooo long and upsetting and usual and she been having nightmares without me and that she feels like a zombie and alllllll this sorta ****. Shes been thinking about me ALL THE TIME. She hasn't gone a night without saying goodnight to me (which is something we promised each other we would do every night when we were together no matter what). And I've been doing a really good job not contacting her (as hard as its ****ing been) and have been really short with her when she texts me.

 

I guess I just want to know if anyone on here has been in a similar situation and has further advice for me. What's going to happen next? I'm so scared of losing her ! She's truly the love of my life and I would do anything for her. I respect her and support her all the time.

[Stoic44]

Give her space. Reply to her texts, but don't ask or demand she come over.

 

Given the circumstances, it sounds like this one is primarily a neediness vs. scheduling conflict. She's got a lot going on and you're needy. Come up with a reasonable schedule as to how often you see each other and see if you can meet in the middle.

Edited January 25, 2013 by Stoic44

[miracore]

Give her space. Reply to her texts, but don't ask or demand she come over.

 

Given the circumstances, it sounds like this one is primarily a neediness vs. scheduling conflict. She's got a lot going on and you're needy. Come up with a reasonable schedule as to how often you see each other and see if you can meet in the middle.

 

And I am doing just that! Thank you for your advice its good to hear it might last from another person than just me haha

[Stoic44]

No problem. It sounds like you pushed her away with all this talk you don't feel loved and getting pissed when she's having a night out with her girls.

 

I think you will be okay if you just play it a little cool and understanding and then, after a few days, have a talk with her about meeting in the middle of this mess. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Chi townD]

Wow, what a train wreck. Okay, she's a drug addict and your a dealer (which is stupid as hell, by the way). And one thing I know about addicts is they are the most impressive lairs on earth! How do you know she was actually into YOU or was she into what you can provide for her? And, of course, you'll come back on here and tell me...."she isn't like that...blah...blah.."

 

But let me just summerize what you just wrote. Its your birthday, she makes plans with people other than you, you get upset, she goes her own way regardless of your feelings. Only, later, she shows up at your place talks to you and says that she just wants to forget about the fight your having and just wants to get f*cked up! Hmmmm.... Doesn't want to address the problems in the relationship, want's to rug sweep everything and do drugs which you have on hand. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

I say, let her go. She wants out, then she's out. And YOU need to get your life sorted out. There are a hellva lot more admirable professions out there other than dealing dope. Yeah, might be fast money but is it worth it if you catch a case that costs you 5 to 10?

[KathyM]

Someone who forgets you on your birthday and goes to hang out with others instead is someone that is not invested in a relationship with you, and is not willing or capable of being there for you. I'd suggest you let this girl go and concentrate on getting your life on track. You are only 21. Don't screw up your life with drugs or druggies. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are seriously messed up and need to concentrate on getting away from that lifestyle. It will only drag you down a black hole. I work as a counselor and have counseled people who have seriously messed up their lives with drugs and alcohol, as well as other vices. You are young. You can decide today to remove yourself from that lifestyle, and that includes removing yourself from the people who chose to remain in that lifestyle, who will only keep you involved in it.

[miracore]

Wow, what a train wreck. Okay, she's a drug addict and your a dealer (which is stupid as hell, by the way). And one thing I know about addicts is they are the most impressive lairs on earth! How do you know she was actually into YOU or was she into what you can provide for her? And, of course, you'll come back on here and tell me...."she isn't like that...blah...blah.."

 

But let me just summerize what you just wrote. Its your birthday, she makes plans with people other than you, you get upset, she goes her own way regardless of your feelings. Only, later, she shows up at your place talks to you and says that she just wants to forget about the fight your having and just wants to get f*cked up! Hmmmm.... Doesn't want to address the problems in the relationship, want's to rug sweep everything and do drugs which you have on hand. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

I say, let her go. She wants out, then she's out. And YOU need to get your life sorted out. There are a hellva lot more admirable professions out there other than dealing dope. Yeah, might be fast money but is it worth it if you catch a case that costs you 5 to 10?

 

Ok, maybe I should have been a little more clear on the drug issues haha. When I said we were both together and growing stronger together, I stopped dealing within 2 months, and she went cold turkey, just for me. As well as cigarettes, she smoked a pack a day. I told her I thought it was gross and she could be so much better than that and she completely stopped smoking right there and then just for me. So that was the end of that train. We were basically sober together for 8 months (with 1 or 2 exceptions here and there) and still are.

 

There was a reason why I didn't want to talk about our relationship problems on our birthday. First off, was already upset about the situation all day and just wanted to get over it that night and celebrate with my friends. Second, She came unexpectingly, while my entire family and friends were there and I was about to receive my cake. I didn't want to be pulled aside and start arguing with her about all our problems right there and then. She told me she would be happy to talk about them the next morning, which we did.

 

I know she cares about me. I write pages and pages of reasons why she really does but I'll just save you time telling you she really does. I will give you one great example. Last march, I went to a 3 day music festival out of town, without her and just my guy friends. When I got back, I got really sick. I went to the ER and was there for 3 days and she DID NOT leave my side the entire time. She was always asking if I needed anything or if I wanted something to drink or anything like that. If that's not caring for someone, I don't know what is.

 

The fact the she didn't show up on my birthday at first was really saddening and started to put a lot of different thought about her in my head. But, in the end, she did end up coming over, and I didn't regret it a single bit.

 

So yeah. To catch you guys up, after not talking to her for a few days, I decided to tell her something I needed too yesterday. I texted her this, "Sry for txting you,, But I wanted to let you know I agree and am now happy with everything you said about having space. I think we both need it. And I'm glad you realized it." She then told me how relieving it was to hear that and how she broke down into tears the second she heard it. I then told her, "Ok, well I hope you're doing better (couldn't help myself :/), and I won't bug you anymore." That night, She txted me again saying this, "Hey. I hope youre truly doing better that text you sent me today made me cry and I just truly appreciate it a lot. It gave me so much relief and happiness. Sleep well. Good night. ."

 

(Reason I'm being very specific is for you guys to understand the entire situation)

[miracore]

Any more advice guys? Its been 2 days NC thus far.