3 years together.. Should I be patient or run for the hills?

[coloradogrl]

Cam, it's crazy how similar our situations seem. I have my moments (many) of sadness, but I'm also handling this way better than I have handled breakups in the past because I know I can get through it.

 

I just keep wondering if I should have gone along with the so-called break instead of forcing the all or nothing! I too sensed his doubts and I had doubts because of the way he treated me. In my situation, he didn't want to go out all the time like your bf, but he showed immaturity in other ways. He was just so afraid of commitment that he wouldn't even discuss it, and he couldn't figure out how he guy friends felt the way they did about girls.

 

I guess I will wait for him to contact me, and if he never does, I have my answer. Sorry this is severely scatterbrained, but it's been a rough day! My mind is running in circles.

[Simon Phoenix]

How is "wanting to go out with your boys" immature? I don't understand this at all. Guys like time with their guy friends. We like hanging out with the boys. I don't understand why women try to fight this. I mean, we spend a lot more time with the woman we are dating that with our boys. It's not immature to want to hang out with your friends.

[Phateless]

Wow - thanks everyone for the responses.

 

ColoradoGirl - Can't believe you are going through this same exact scenario! Wow! That's unreal. We should definitely talk more about our experiences..

 

To clarify - I am definitely NOT the type of person who wants to just get married and would marry anyone as long as they asked. I love my boyfriend and want to marry HIM. There is no specific time table or anything but I am a little worried about missing my opportunity to have a family.

 

I do realize that in our past conversations, I might have freaked out a little when he told me that he 'wasn't ready' and 'wasn't sure' and that has definitely colored the way he handled the topic now when I bring it up. He has told me several conflicting things regarding marriage, and in the end, I am never sure where we end up and where we are going.

 

I talked to him briefly last night and he said he thought our last conversation regarding marriage ended really well and that we are definitely headed in the marriage direction. I did not really get that impression.

 

I do feel like I would continue our relationship as long as I could if marriage was not an option. I love what we have and he treats me really really well. This is by far the best relationship I've ever been in and I love this man. What can I say? I want to marry him but I don't want to twist his arm or play games to get there.

 

I like the idea the one poster had of setting a private date in my head and having a conversation at that point and just comparing it the one we just had. If it is exactly the same - then I will need to take a break from this relationship. I think in the mean time I will spend more time with myself and my friends and give him more of an opportunity to miss me.

 

I actually did not mean a private date in your head. That's worse because he'll be blindsided by an invisible deadline.

 

what I meant was set an explicit date with him and agree on it together.

[destroyed4sho]

Yes, I agree with Teresa. Strike while the iron is hot. In a few years, things may get boring, he might start having feelings for someone else, realize you are not the one, etc.....Things can change OVERNIGHT....they may talk marriage one day, then the next day wake up, say they don't love you and dump you. Yes, it happens ALL the time.

I don't mean to scare you but its best to do something about it now.

[Ruby Slippers]

If he really loves you, he's not going to want to lose you. Tell him you need some time to think about things, move out, go out and have fun, do your own thing, and see what happens.

I agree. When a man loves a woman and sees her as the one, he marries her.

 

If I were in your situation, I'm sure I'd start thinking seriously about moving on, too.

[Cam116]

How is "wanting to go out with your boys" immature? I don't understand this at all. Guys like time with their guy friends. We like hanging out with the boys. I don't understand why women try to fight this. I mean, we spend a lot more time with the woman we are dating that with our boys. It's not immature to want to hang out with your friends.

 

It's not the fact that he wanted to go out with his friends. It's the fact that all he wanted to do was go out and drink every night. EVERY night. We went away to Key West together at the end of November, we let lose and partied and had a wonderful time. The next night after we got back, he was out partying until 5 am, and didn't tell me when he was coming home. In my mind, I just thought: wasn't a week of partying in Key West ENOUGH? I could never understand why he couldn't just spend a night or two lounging instead of going out and partying.

[Cam116]

Colorado- During the break up, I suggested a break. I told him if he needed some time to himself to sort things out, I would give it to him. He told me it wouldn't have been fair for me to put my life on hold for him to figure out what the hell he is doing with his life, and he was right. He said it wouldn't be fair for me to wait around 6 months or a year or however long it could take, because he had no idea how long it would take. He said he has some issues he needs to work on that he can't do while in the relationship, and said I have issues too that need to be worked on (insecurities. He's right, and I am working on them). He just felt trapped, and it was something he had been thinking about for a few months, but didn't say anything until he was 100% sure. I give him props for that, for ending it when he knew instead of dragging it out. I don't know if I necessarily believe that he feels nothing for me anymore romantically, maybe that's just my denial kicking in His friends and family, and he himself, always told me that I was way too good for him and that he will never find anyone better than me. Sigh. Unfortunately, you can't change the way someone feels.

 

I'm hoping he will mature a bit in the future, and maybe we'll have a shot at something if the time is right. Any answers I got from him were always preceded with a "right now", which of course I obsessed and overanalyzed. What's a girl to do lol. Which is another reason I want to stay friendly and try to keep up with one another (as long as we can both handle it....we'll see what happens tomorrow). Relationships have a foundation of friendship. If this meeting turns out to be too much at the moment, I'm going to disappear for a while. A part of me that I'm trying to re-discover during this healing time is my impulsive side, which has been repressed for quite a while now for reasons unknown. So, I'm throwing caution to the wind and going with my gut. I also just booked a trip to St Thomas for a friends wedding in a month and a half. I gotta say, it feels really good to let lose and do things that I would normally be reserved about. You live once, you know? And colorado, your BU is still very fresh, but you seem to be handling it with a good frame of mind. I'm sure others have told you: take this time to focus on yourself. Go out. Or stay in and lay on the couch. Eat ice cream (but not too much). Workout more. Travel. And of course, keep yourself as busy as possible

[Simon Phoenix]

It's not the fact that he wanted to go out with his friends. It's the fact that all he wanted to do was go out and drink every night. EVERY night. We went away to Key West together at the end of November, we let lose and partied and had a wonderful time. The next night after we got back, he was out partying until 5 am, and didn't tell me when he was coming home. In my mind, I just thought: wasn't a week of partying in Key West ENOUGH? I could never understand why he couldn't just spend a night or two lounging instead of going out and partying.

 

Maybe that's just the guy he is. It doesn't really have anything to do with maturity. It's more preferences. Someone can be a "lounger" and be immature as well. You can't change a tiger's stripes.

[coloradogrl]

I agree. When a man loves a woman and sees her as the one, he marries her.

 

If I were in your situation, I'm sure I'd start thinking seriously about moving on, too.

 

Then why is it that every single relationship I've had, and ones that my friends have had, the guy splits and then 2 weeks-6 months down the line wants to get the girl back? In many cases, the couples got married.

[Ruby Slippers]

Then why is it that every single relationship I've had, and ones that my friends have had, the guy splits and then 2 weeks-6 months down the line wants to get the girl back? In many cases, the couples got married.

Hell if I know. As soon as I think I've got love kinda figured out, I realize I don't know anything

[Cam116]

So I had drinks and dinner with the ex yesterday, and it went exactly how I expected it to go. We ate. We drank. We smiled. We laughed. He seemed a little teary eyed when we first met up, but I kept a very lighthearted tone and cracked some joked to ease the tension. We sat down at the table, and chit chatted away while eating food and drinking for two hours. We just talked about everything that has gone on in our lives over the past month. I also found out, through a few of his comments, that he's been checking out my facebook from time to time. Which, made me feel good for some reason. Anyhoo, we walked out to the parking lot together, and hugged goodbye. He said he had a really great time, and was surprised that this meeting didn't end up in a fight about the relationship. I had told him earlier in the week that I had no intention bringing up the relationship during this meet up. I just wanted us to catch up, and see how comfortable we were with one another. Needless to say, this whole meeting went on as if nothing had happened between us. It was so relaxed and fun. He was legitimately surprised at how well I was able to keep myself, and I made damn sure that I kept a very fun, lighthearted attitude throughout the whole thing. So we hugged goodbye, and he said we'll be in touch soon, we'll do this again soon. And we parted ways.

 

Overall, like I said, it went exactly how I imagined, and I could tell he was happy to hang out with me. I'm so grateful to have him in my life, even if we're not together. I've come to the realization that we are not meant to be together, at least for this time. If something comes up in the future, and we've both grown enough and are in a position where we want to try again, than so be it. But for now, I'm so glad that we were able to enjoy one anothers company so well. I felt like a giddy school girl as I was getting ready for our "date". Butterflies and everything! It was wild, but I felt at ease as soon as I saw him. I don't expect him to ever come back, and if he were to, I don't know that I would even WANT him back. But he is such a big part of my life, and I'm so glad that this meeting went well.

 

NOW. I really wanted to text him a "thank you for meeting up with me and having such a great time" text. But, I think I should just lay low and see what he says to me/when he contacts me. Should I just shoot him a quick "thank you" text tomorrow? Or just play it aloof?

[coloradogrl]

Cam, I have no idea what advice to give you other than to not text him. He already knows you are thankful -- if you didn't want to meet, you wouldn't have met. Play it cool for now.

 

I am having a rough day. I got some information that he is "not happy," but of course that doesn't mean that he wants to work on our relationship. I feel like I need to stay strong, but it's getting harder and harder to not e-mail/pick up the phone. I keep thinking that me trying to act fine is not right, but I don't think that showing him all my cards is right. He was not making me as happy as I could be. Ugh. Three years and then no contact at all? Do most people really do what I am doing?

[Cam116]

It is unbelievably hard. The longest I went was 8 days and I was miserable! I know it's tempting to call him, but it's too fresh right now. You have to try to hold out as long as you can. Your emotions are going to get the better of you if you tried to talk right now. I went through the same feelings, and looking back now, I'm so glad I didn't call all those times where I was feeling down/emotional. It would have made things worse! Your ex is likely to be upset and unhappy for a while. My ex said he was having just as hard of a time with it all as I was a week after we broke up. Wasn't able to sleep, constant weight on his chest etc. He broke up with you, right? He needs to be the one to decide if he wants to come back, and if he's having second thoughts, he will reach out. Now, as far as the NC rule goes, I don't know what to tell ya on that one. Most people use it as a way to heal. Others do it to try and bring their ex back. From what I've read, it is very useful as a healing tool. I tried it, but it didn't feel right. Personally, I think communication is important, and if both parties are able to handle some friendly contact, and you feel that is the way to go, then do it. It depends on the breakup situation, of course. But right now, I think it's probably too soon for you to try and have a civil conversation with him without getting emotional. But only you really know the answer to that.

 

One thing that helped me was writing letters to him. And not sending them, of course. But writing down eveything I was feeling at the time really helped me get it all out. I have about 5 or 6 letters now, and when I go back and read them it's so weird to see how different they all are depending on what my frame of mind was at the time! Try writing, it could help. In the meantime, know that you're not alone. We're all going through similar feelings

[coloradogrl]

Cam, he wanted a break because he is scared about marriage. Even though I do not need to be engaged now, he felt like he was too scared to even think about it. He suggested a shortish break that he "might regret". I said, no, we're breaking up. Done.

 

Writing a letter is a good idea. I don't even know what I would say to him though!

[Cam116]

Just write down EVERYTHING you are feeling. Anything that's going on in your head. But don't send it to him! Write it, walk away, read again after a week or two. I'm glad you broke it off completely. Breaks usually end up as an all out break up anyway, and no one should put their life on hold because someone is "confused" (although there are always exceptions I guess). My ex was always against marriage, probably due to the fact that he watched his parents divorce, and that most of his friends who had gotten married were already divorced. Funny thing about that though, 2 of those friends are engaged again! I was never one to push marriage, and I always told him that I didn't need to be married to be happy, ever. I was fine with being in a happy, honest, loving relationship without a piece of paper and a ceremony. And then he tells me during the break up that he thought that maybe after 5 years together, he should have felt the need to get married. Um...what? Whatever. I think he also started watching his family and friends around him grow up and settle down, and maybe he was feeling pressure from them or from his family. I don't know. It's very strange. But the only thing I can do is let him go, let him do his thing and just let life play out. Easier said than done, right?

 

He said something else yesterday that led me to further believe that he just wasn't ready to settle for good yet. He was talking about how he's turning 29 this year, and kinda sighed and said "yeah, well one more year of fun until I hit 30 and need to grow up". So yeah, I don't know. I think he just wants freedom right now. But I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm certainly not out looking for my next relationship right now, but I've been chatting and flirting with and meeting guys. It is what it is. See I'm having an "up" day today. Tomorrow, I'll probably be in tears over some random memory that pops into my head lol. This roller coaster is NOT fun