3 years together.. Should I be patient or run for the hills?

January 25, 2013

Hi Everyone,

First time posting here.. Love this website! Really great advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years now. We've been living together for about 6 months. Everything up until this point has been really amazing and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is everything I could ever want and as a result, I feel as if I am ready to take our relationship to the next level.

The problem is that over the past year or so, I have casually (and a few times not so casually) brought up marriage. I am 30 and he is 28. Every time we talk about marriage, it does not go that well. He has told me on more than one occasion that he "doesn't know".. that yes, he does want to get married someday and have children but just doesn't know when and that currently, he is not ready.

He has also stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't want to pay me lip service and just tell me what I want to hear, ie: that yes we are going to get married and it will happen soon, etc.

I know that he cares about me deeply, loves me and has told me that he can't imagine his life without me. I just cannot understand why we can't discuss marriage in a more substantial fashion - we have been together for over 3 years.. we are old enough, we both have great jobs, he owns his own home. There aren't too many hurdles in our way - so what is going on? Just commitment phobia or perhaps I am not the one? He has told me he has no intentions of having another relationship.. that I am it. But why all this vagueness? What is going on? It is making me feel extremely insecure - like I am just kicking a can down the road - and I will blink and suddenly, I am 35 and single. Part of me is feeling an urge to get out of this relationship ASAP.

I have tried to find out more information from him but I really don't want to pressure him or pry. I do not want to have to convince him that we should get married - it seems really counterintuitive. We should both be wanting to be married, not just one of us.

I am considering having a talk with him and letting him know that I am starting to feel as if I am really ready for the next step, and that I would like to give him some time and space to figure out his feelings on this matter. Maybe I can give him a taste of what my absence in his life would feel like.

Has anyone had any experience with this sort of issue? Any advice or previous threads that deal with this situation?

Thanks!

January 25, 2013

Do you want to get married, or do you want to get married to him? I know the natural answer is both, but which is more important?

January 25, 2013

Dont ruin something good just because you want to get married. If you think about it, marriage can be something people desire out of insecurity. Feeling like if they marry someone, they will always be together.

But if someone really cares about you, and then dont show any interest in being with anyone else, then why would you even be so worried about marriage?

Maybe he wants to be more stable so that you guys can start a family. Because marriage is in great part about having children and working hard to raise them. If there isnt enough money, you should always work hard together to make enough in order to even consider marriage.

January 25, 2013

After 3 years, and especially given you have good jobs and could save for a wedding, I would say he really loves you, but your not "the one" for him.

I know after 3 years my opinion would be very difficult for you to hear. I just know that the deapest, most intense love, is so strong and certain, that people in that sort of love normally always know that they want marriage within a year or two.

The fact he is not ready is a reg flag to me. Unless he is fundamentally averse to the union of marriage, then I would really think that he really really cares about you and CAN"T imagine life without you, because you SO attached; but not because he is necessarily madly in love with you.

this is just my theory, I could be wrong!

And remember that - a guy could meet his dream girl in theory - perfect looks, great personality, and everything he could possible want in a women.

Even if a man has EVERYTHING in a women he desires, he STILL will not just magically fall deaply in love with them!

It is just a thing; two people meet, and they either feel a "certain way" about each other, or they do not.

It is totally down to actors beyond your control, as to why he does not want to marry you.

....If I were you, I would personally suggest time apart, and give it real time to figure out if you are the loves of each others lives or not.

January 25, 2013

And hey - maybe he really is in love with you, to the point where he sees no point in having to make it official.

Sorry if my advice upset you, it would have upset me if someone said it to me about my boyfriend.

I just, personally, think that if a guy has it IN him to WANT to be married to the right girl, that he would feel it within a 3 year time frame.

But not all men WANT to get marrid badly, nor to they associate marriage with being crazy in love with the right women.

January 25, 2013

I understand that you feel your at the age where u need to be married to have kids now. 3 years is long but not that long. he may feel its not time yet. To me commitment is important. The ring and stuff I dot really care so much.

Can you see yourself with another guy. If u can then go for it.

January 25, 2013

why 3 years?!?? sorry, but that is rubbish....something it takes time to make sure.... 3 years is about right for moving in together in my book.... then got to live together for at least 1 full year before anything else....

Jeez, it takes me longer than 3 years to pick a magazine I want to read!!!! :p

:lmao:

Actually, it takes me at least 3.5 years to decide on my outfit most days:lmao:

Seriously though - I do not necessarily mean marriage by 3 years. I meant to say - after 3 years, that is ENOUGH time to know if she is a girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Marriage is about wanting to spend the rest of your lives together! I marriage is not on the cards for him yet, fair enough; but she can still find out if he FEELS that level of love and committment towards her, that marriage requires.

I agree - in some cases marriage happens after many years together, for veery in love couples. But I bet they knew they wanted to be together for life BEFORE three years.....

it aint the marriage that matters really; it is if he wants to be with her for life, and wants it and can erously envision it happening with her....

January 25, 2013

why 3 years?!?? sorry, but that is rubbish....something it takes time to make sure.... 3 years is about right for moving in together in my book.... then got to live together for at least 1 full year before anything else....

Jeez, it takes me longer than 3 years to pick a magazine I want to read!!!! :p

:lmao:

I agree, putting a timetable on something like that is foolish. When he's ready, he's ready. If the OP wants to be with him specifically, she should respect that, because marriage isn't something you just do for the hell of it. But if the OP wants to be married more than she wants to be with him (some people are like this for some reason, they just really like the label I guess) then she should look for a guy that will ask for her hand in marriage quickly.

January 25, 2013

Wow, I am going through the same exact thing right now. I am also a first time poster! So any advice from others for me would be great too.

Over the past year or so, I have casually brought up engagement and marriage with my boyfriend of three years. Every time, he has waffled about discussing the future. I have told him that I am not in a rush to get engaged, have kids, etc. but that after three years, I deserve to date someone who is mature enough to be able to at least discuss these things without panicking. I was for the most part very rational while having these discussions. He was just "not ready."

For months, I also felt like I was just kicking a can down the road. I then convinced myself that he was just immature (we're the about same ages as you, too, totally am scared about being single now!). He has some qualities that I see in a younger 20s guy (he isn't interested in dating other girls, BUT he is afraid of being an "adult" and is very selfish about his independent time, occasionally takes me for granted, unable to talk about tough things), and I thought, hey I will be patient, I love him and I'm not interested in changing or pressuring anyone. He started asking several friends how "they knew" marriage was right, if the couples ever disagree (he doesn't believe that couples should ever fight, again, a sign of immaturity). When couples did get engaged, he felt some kind of pressure that he should be doing that (again, immaturity, he needs to make his own choices) and started to act a bit "off".

Aside from this, we are very compatible. Really attracted to each other physically, mentally, etc. Have a lot of common interests, just in general have a good chemistry. This makes me still want to be in the relationship. But the other stuff -- It got to be too much. I did not need a ring, but I did need someone who could do more than love me -- I needed someone who could love me selflessly, someone who just as much as he loves his family, himself. He said he felt it was unfair to me to not be able to after many months move forward with his feelings and he thought "maybe that he could figure it out without me." He asked for a break, which I have floated in the past, but I thought we just should break up. People take a "break" to figure out why you don't have those feelings, why you don't love someone. He immediately expressed the "what if I change my mind" scenario. He didn't *seem* happy.

I think he loves me but can't admit to himself that maybe he's not so in love with me that he's willing to jump all in. And that's just not good enough for me right now. I was tired of dating someone who I always wondered why they didn't love me enough to take steps in the relationship. My self-esteem started to plummet.

It really hurts, and it will really hurt for you if you decide to take action. We have not spoke since the split. I'm not sure how I'm functioning. I refuse to contact him, but he's my best friend. Agonizing! But something needed to change, and nothing really would have if things stayed status quo. I'd just be a crutch, and he would just continue to drag his feet. My friends say he just is confused and scared and needs more time and is making a big mistake, but the reasons at this point might not matter. Do I hope that he calls out of the blue and wants to talk and has changed his mind? Sure.

It's not about ruining something just because you want to get married. After three years, it is perfectly reasonable to expect you and your partner to be on the same page, heck, the same chapter.

Sorry for rambling. I just couldn't believe it when I saw your post.

January 25, 2013

Colorado, you just described my ex to a tee! So sorry everyone is going through this, but you're not alone. My ex, too, was "not ready" to have a conversation about kids and the future etc...after 5 years together! We're 27 and 28. He also thought that couples should NEVER fight, and anytime we had even the slightest disagreement (not even a fight) he thought we weren't compatible. Wtf? People fight! It happens! When it happens very frequently, that's when you have a problem. I gave him time to do his own thing, as he did to me, but he was very very selfish about his independent time. And he took me for granted. I'm so glad you pointed these things out. I kept telling myself that he was just NOT ready to really grow up and settle, and that's why he started to lose that "spark" for me and fell out of love. So we've been split up for almost 2 months now. We still talk lightly, not about anything serious. In fact, we're supposed to meet up tomorrow for lunch and drinks to catch up, and to see how we are able to interact with one another to get a better idea of what boundaries need to be set i.e. communication. I miss him, he misses me, and a part of me hopes that someday he will wake up and realize that he let go of the best thing that's ever happened to him. How long have you guys been split up now?

January 25, 2013

I both love and hate girls like that.... it's very odd that I do.... :lmao:

oh I am very low maintenance, in that I wear comfortable, simple clothes, and use very minimal make up ( just mineral powder, I do not even use moisterizer, mineral powder is literally all I use on my face)

however, I am an emotional dresser: I have to wear clothes that express how I feel. lol! If I am angry, for instance, I like red and pink clothes! LOL!

My bf hates when I keep him waiting, he is like "are you seriously going to get out of the car, run back inside, and change your clothes??

:lmao:

January 25, 2013

I'm going to be the voice of dissent. I'm 38 and don't really have any strong desire to get married. If it happens, it happens. If not, whatever.

That being said, I don't think I would stay with a guy who didn't value me enough to marry me. He didn't say he didn't believe in marriage.

I was with a guy for six years. He kept saying he wasn't ready yet, he wasn't ready yet.. Don't throw that much of your life away.

If he really loves you, he's not going to want to lose you. Tell him you need some time to think about things, move out, go out and have fun, do your own thing, and see what happens.

January 25, 2013

Cam, we broke up a week ago! So very fresh, thus why I'm up so so early writing this. But I was frustrated for awhile. I'm debating whether to ask him if I can get my things (I'm a girl, so I have a lot at his place), but I haven't yet. I think that it would just re-enforce to him (in the back of his mind) that he doesn't need to make an effort and "deal" with things, that I will just come to him. How can he feel the loss if I can't even go a week without speaking? Last time we discussed our relationship and things got awkward (we did not take a break), he ended up calling me and started acting wonderfully. Then it sank back into the normal take-girlfriend-for-granted ways. This is clearly a pattern and I need to break it, but it's so hard.

How are you able to still talk lightly and meet up? Do you think that just gives him what he wants -- more time, but he doesn't lose you for real? Do you think he would have figured things out more clearly by now had you not spoken to him? Not that this is a game.

And for me, I don't think it's a matter of not valuing me enough to marry me. I think he is honestly too immature for marriage.

January 25, 2013

My first thought is that if you're not ready to get married, you probably have a good idea about the girl you're with after 3 years, is she the one or not.

However the only valid advice that I have is to stop hounding him with this marriage topic.

Should you stick around? I think you probably know.

January 25, 2013

Forcing the issue will not be productive. I'm on the opposite side, I'm the guy who isn't ready. NO FLAMING ME PLEASE.

Pick a future date together when you will discuss it and then sit down and see if you can agree on a timeline. Then ask specifically what he needs to get there. It's a negotiation and agreement like any other in a relationship.

If the next conversation is exactly the same as the one before it, then you know you aren't making progress.

January 25, 2013

Forcing the issue will not be productive. I'm on the opposite side, I'm the guy who isn't ready. NO FLAMING ME PLEASE.

Pick a future date together when you will discuss it and then sit down and see if you can agree on a timeline. Then ask specifically what he needs to get there. It's a negotiation and agreement like any other in a relationship.

If the next conversation is exactly the same as the one before it, then you know you aren't making progress.

Phateless, no flaming at all. I respect not forcing any issue. In my situation, we couldn't set a timeline. He couldn't tell me what he needs to get there. He can't negotiate. He's stuck. Thus a break up is the way to go. And I tend to think that for the original poster as well.

January 25, 2013

Phateless, no flaming at all. I respect not forcing any issue. In my situation, we couldn't set a timeline. He couldn't tell me what he needs to get there. He can't negotiate. He's stuck. Thus a break up is the way to go. And I tend to think that for the original poster as well.

Agreed. If he refuses to communicate and refuses to tell you when he would be willing to communicate in the future, then you have no tools with which to solve the problem. Bummer...

January 25, 2013

Hello all, I'm fairly new here and my first time posting. With that being said, my uncle Gus just got married last summer after being with his partner for 42 years...They have 2 grown children that turned out to be amazing individuals. Don't let a piece of paper ruin a good thing. You should be more than happy to have found a real genuine man. My advice would be to stick it out and enjoy life together, marriage can always come after.

January 25, 2013

Colorado, you just described my ex to a tee! So sorry everyone is going through this, but you're not alone. My ex, too, was "not ready" to have a conversation about kids and the future etc...after 5 years together! We're 27 and 28. He also thought that couples should NEVER fight, and anytime we had even the slightest disagreement (not even a fight) he thought we weren't compatible. Wtf? People fight! It happens! When it happens very frequently, that's when you have a problem. I gave him time to do his own thing, as he did to me, but he was very very selfish about his independent time. And he took me for granted. I'm so glad you pointed these things out. I kept telling myself that he was just NOT ready to really grow up and settle, and that's why he started to lose that "spark" for me and fell out of love. So we've been split up for almost 2 months now.

This is my last relationship to a T. We could be identical twins. My ex and I were together close to three years as well. We never really discussed marriage either, because just like your ex, he would freak out if something was even vaguely mentioned.

We also had arguments LITERALLY once every three months. And same as yours he would freak out. Say we were incompatible. I was like... there are couples that are stronger than us that fight every single week, and you're saying once in three months is so bad?!!?

My ex was also extremely selfish. Started taking me for granted every single day. Like I was just a prop in his life, not a human being.

I should have seen that it was a red flag from the first instance it happened. I think couples who are in love and who are 110% committed to each other, and know that down the line they will be getting married, there is NO problem discussing it. Discussing it doesn't mean it has to happen tomorrow, or next month. It just means you two are talking, communicating and expressing what you both wish for and want for the future.

The fact that he shuts you down, freaks out, says "I don't know"... really pay attention here. These are all the things my ex told me. Told me he needed time, needed the space, needed to do other things first before he could think about an engagement. I too chalked it up to him being busy with his job, earning money, this and that. But we couldn't even TALK about a future. And what I've learned from that, is that if someone can't even have a mature conversation, can't tell me that he wants me to be his wife one day, talks in circles, acts indecisive... then I'm not going to be with him.

I wasted three years of my life on my ex who actually DID give me that lip service you're talking about. He would be like, "Oh eventually" or "For if and when it happens." There was nothing concrete, it was the bare minimum of what he could say to pacify me for another few months.

If there is one thing I really regret the most, it's staying with him as long as I did, because I'm going on 29 now and I lost some really important years that I can't get back.

If he can't even tell you that you'll be his wife one day, and just have those conversations, and he's really iffy and unsure... he's probably just the waffler. He'll hang around as long as you let him. He'll cohabit with you as long as you allow it. Sometimes these guys need a kick in the pants to wake up, and some never fully commit at all.

January 25, 2013

Wow - thanks everyone for the responses.

ColoradoGirl - Can't believe you are going through this same exact scenario! Wow! That's unreal. We should definitely talk more about our experiences..

To clarify - I am definitely NOT the type of person who wants to just get married and would marry anyone as long as they asked. I love my boyfriend and want to marry HIM. There is no specific time table or anything but I am a little worried about missing my opportunity to have a family.

I do realize that in our past conversations, I might have freaked out a little when he told me that he 'wasn't ready' and 'wasn't sure' and that has definitely colored the way he handled the topic now when I bring it up. He has told me several conflicting things regarding marriage, and in the end, I am never sure where we end up and where we are going.

I talked to him briefly last night and he said he thought our last conversation regarding marriage ended really well and that we are definitely headed in the marriage direction. I did not really get that impression.

I do feel like I would continue our relationship as long as I could if marriage was not an option. I love what we have and he treats me really really well. This is by far the best relationship I've ever been in and I love this man. What can I say? I want to marry him but I don't want to twist his arm or play games to get there.

I like the idea the one poster had of setting a private date in my head and having a conversation at that point and just comparing it the one we just had. If it is exactly the same - then I will need to take a break from this relationship. I think in the mean time I will spend more time with myself and my friends and give him more of an opportunity to miss me.

January 25, 2013

Theory, when you said "I do feel like I would continue our relationship as long as I could if marriage was not an option...What can I say? I want to marry him but I don't want to twist his arm or play games to get there."

I somewhat felt the same way. I guess I still do. But there's something that eats away at you when you know that someone isn't sure. For us, it set off the cycle of me not being happy some days just because I knew this fact. I guess what I'm saying is, if you do pick a date, then really have that conversation again and be prepared to take a break if he has not moved forward emotionally. Trust me, it's very easy to say you're going to do this and then set ANOTHER date, then another. And if he then initiates a split, it might feel worse.

Have you suggested any baby steps? Would he consider talking to a therapist or something? Some of my friends did this before they married and said it really helped them see eye to eye about issues.

January 25, 2013

ColoradoGirl -

Yeah, I definitely see what you're saying. I really don't want to kick the can down the road. I don't want to be weak or to be strung along for years and years. I think baby steps are a great idea.

It's funny - my boyfriend and I talked a few minutes ago and he told me that he is going to ask our roommate to move out. (We live with one of his guy friends). I asked him why he wanted to do this - and he said it was to move our relationship forward. To make our house truly "ours".

It's bizarre. He does all these things that make me feel like he wants to get married but he just can't say it. I think he feels like if he does, it is basically the same thing as proposing. It's so confusing to me. Why can't he just talk about it openly? It's so confusing.

How are you holding up? Are you thinking about getting your stuff back? I would go completely NC and have a friend get your stuff for you. Show him you're serious so that this break really shows him what life would be like without you. Have you thought about going out and talking to/meeting other guys to just mentally put yourself in an independent state?

January 25, 2013

I apologize in advance, this may be a little long. I tend to ramble, but I gotta get some stuff off my chest.

Coloradogirl- It's weird, this situation that I'm in. Am I missing him? Yes. Am I heartbroken? A bit. I've had my moments of sadness and tears, but I haven't been crying myself to sleep. At all. There's a part of me deep down that saw this BU coming. I guess I just sensed his doubts, and there were times I had doubts of my own. Towards the end, I was unhappy with the way he just constantly wanted to be out at the bars drinking. I like to go out and have a good time, but I sorta grew out of the phase. He always had this constant need to go out drinking because, well, that's what young people do. I grew up, and he didn't. Now, I never stopped him from going out, and sometimes I would voice my discontent and concerns, but I never told him "you can't go out tonight you have to hang out with me!". I don't believe in controlling your partner.

So upon reflecting, I think I was drifting away from him and didn't want to admit it to myself. He needs a kick in the ass, and needs to realize that he's gonna need to stop this childish, immature behavior if he wants to have a family someday. I even told him that during the BU. I told him "listen, you just told me that you do want to have a family someday. But 2 weeks ago, you were out till 5 am 'just because'. I don't know any girls who would ever put up with their boyfriends staying out at bars till 3 in the morning when you have children at home". I mean, really. You want a family some day, GROW UP! I think I knew it just wasn't gonna work out between us.

We both got along great, had the same sense of humor, same laid back attitude, everything. But the timing was not right. I, and he, haven't necessarily written us off completely. We both acknowledged that if we are in a different place at some point in the future, and want to give it another try, we will. Will it happen? I have no idea. Would I even WANT to try again IF he did decide to come back somewhere down the line? I honestly don't know. It would depend on alot. If it's meant to happen again, it will. I don't believe much of anything I do between then and now will influence him to come back or not (unless I totally went off the wall and became a heroin addict or something ). We are able to talk now because we started to become roomates. We still care deeply for one another and have acknowledged that, and we also really, truly don't want to lose one another completely. We have a strong bond, and can be together again if we grow in the same direction.

I am a little hesitant about this meeting. We're both not sure if it's too soon, and I have been seeking out advice about whether or not to go through with it. It's been 50/50 at this point, so I'm following my gut on this one and just doing it. I need to show him that I am holding strong. We still have an apartment together, and the lease is up in about 3 weeks, so even if I tried to go fully NC, it wouldn't happen because we need to have some kind of communication throughout all of this. Depending on how it goes tomorrow, and I think it will be fine, I'm going to back off as much as possible. I kept thinking that NC is the only way to make him miss me, but he's already told me that he misses me. So.....anyway......I'm rambling. I will be sure to let you know how tomorrow goes

January 25, 2013

Theory, the roommate moving out sounds like a good step. Hopefully a step in the right direction. I worry that it possibly could be to appease you now -- aka, I did this, so I can prolong the commitment discussion again -- so just be sure that another "step" is taken in what you deem is due time.

I'm having a rough day. I either feel fully confident or I'm down in the dumps. I want to ask him if I can get my things back but obviously I do not need those things right now. I know not contacting him is the right thing for me, but I also feel like I am doing NC to prove to him that I do not need him. I want him to feel the loss. I want him to be in pain.

I've definitely gone out a lot since we stopped speaking, and have gotten a lot of attention from guys. It makes me feel better, but that doesn't make me stop wishing other things. Do you really think it's possible for him to love me but realize he is not ready to commit? And flee because of it?

January 25, 2013

I guess the question is, what do you want, short term and long term?

I don't think three years is a long time to develop your thoughts on what may be a lifelong relationship. I dated my ex wife for four years prior to asking her to marry me, and I was engaged for almost two years. Most people I know followed a similar pattern, though everyone's going to be different.

If he says "He doesn't know", he means he's not sure, which isn't neccessarily a bad thing. If he's vague, it's because he doesn't know. That could mean that he's not sure about you yet, or it could mean he has other feelings.

Having been married for three years, I now see marriage as a ceremony of bonding and some government perks and additional responsibility/risk, but not the end-all, be-all of a relationship. The trust, respect, communication and love that should be found in a marriage can exist without the certificate and the church service.

That said, you should be able to have a mature and thoughtful discussion about marriage with him without him changing the subject or getting upset.

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3 years together.. Should I be patient or run for the hills?

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