Mel888 Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Well I need to vent and this seems like the place to do it. Please bear with me, for it may be a long one. It's my past I have trouble with, either not forgiving my self for screwing up, or the people for screwing me over. I can't tell anymore. I think maybe God's punishing me or something. Well here it goes. It starts back in 1991, when I met MRM. I was young and he was my dream, well tall dark and handsome for most I guess. We started dating in 1995 and it went down hill so fast, I can't even remember what started it all. Between his family not liking me because I was too young, and his friends using drugs and me not fitting into that, too him not coming home and lieing all the time. The porn and women were the worst of it I think sometimes. Years later I keep on finding out more about those years that make the whole thing worse. We broke up almost 4 years later after a night where he went crazy, broke my windshield and hit me. I swore no man would ever hit me, and well this one did and so I left. Leaving him was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I had to go home to my folks and they borrowed me $10,000 to get out of the debt he left me in. The pain was so bad the idea of suicide was always there. I started seeing another guy right away thinking that would help me. He was a loser though. JD was from the wrong side of the tracks, unemployed, no car, had a kid he didn't see or pay for, didn't shower, didn't brush his teeth, and I fell right into taking care of him. It seems that's all I knew how to do after years of taking care of MRM. The pain from the relationship with MRM was so strong it ran my life daily. My parents were mad because he left me in debt and they started to go after him for the money. A year later I broke up with JD because he was just to wrong for me all around, everything in that relationship was bad. Thank god or so I thought. I then started to see a friend that we met at the local bar, and now here was the winner of them all. SAH was a theif, burgeler, robber, pyhsical abuser, drug user and had done time in jail and prison. (Do I have a sticker on my forehead or something saying all losers come here or what). Well I thought that was no big thing because we wern't really dating and he stayed with me, so more of a bootie call I guess. Until I asked him to leave. Well that's when the threats of killing me started, buring my house down, trashing my car, calling my boss and making me lose my job, you name it, it all started coming down fast. Now I couldn't even get out and I didn't even know I was in. He had already broken into my parents house and stolen a ton of stuff, and I thought the worst was over. I was wrong. Even though all this, MRM still ran my every thought. I couldn't get him out of my head. I started drinking really heavy again not knowing where to turn. Of course that got me no where. Then a miracle came. I started dating a guy I worked with. JCH was nothing to bring home to mom and dad at first, but after the first month he moved in, stopped doing all drugs, stopped selling them too. He held 2-3 jobs for the first year and we moved into an apartment together soon after. We knew it was forever right away. (Can't say I haden't thought that before). Now I had someone to fight back with me and then we got SAH thrown in prison for armed robbery. I narked. He get's out in 6 months. I thought all was good again....I was still wrong. Well JCH and I were engaged in December of that same year, we got together in January. We were married the following September. Needless to say all was great. The thoughts of the last 3 men were so painful it effected my relationship with JCH right off the bat. The pain and suffering I have gone though is more that I can sometimes even take or remember. It's been almost 7 years since my break up with MRM and his face shows up in my head all the time. I talk to my husband about it and there isn't much he can do, just stay by my side you know. He's the best man in the world, I just wish all of these other men haden't tainted it for him. The worst part is I can tell when he's close to me. I have predicted when he would come into the place where I work, or when we would run into him at an event, even when he was walking to close to my house. It's been seen my many people and no one can believe their eyes when I call it. It's this weird connection that I have with him that I can't get rid of. Now I'm 27 years old and it seems that I have no way out of this constant torture of such. I can't forgive these men, and I can't seem to forgive myself. Years of taking care of them has worn me down and made me a sore person. One of my best friends DJB is still by my side and he tells me that I will get past it all in time, perhaps the longer I'm married and I feel secure subconsciencly. ( I know I spelt that wrong). I'm sorry for the long vent, but I know that I'm not the only one out there who has had this type of thing happen to them and I just needed an ear I guess. Thanks a buch! No replies needed, unless you feel the need too.
overseas2004 Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 For some reason you are heavily into sado masochism.
Author Mel888 Posted September 2, 2004 Author Posted September 2, 2004 Perhaps I'm just a women that has been taken advatage of by men that are losers. But hey, thanks for letting me know that I deserved to be treated like trash, becuase it was a consensual abuse.....I let it happen right!! I guess you haven't been in too many relationships, or your a man.
glow2 Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 (((hugs Mel888))) I can tell you've had a hard life...but more importantly - you do not deserve the pain and suffering. I've known a couple of other people who were constantly haunted by their past (tho their personal stories differ somewhat from yours), anyways - getting professional help seemed to allow them to come to terms with what occured in the past. Do you think maybe getting counselling might be a desirable option for you? But whatever you decide, please remember it's okay to keep venting in this forum, people here will listen and wish for you to become happy. I applaud your honesty in telling your story.
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