ladyinthemts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 So, it's been just over seven months since D-Day...I could give you time down to the hour, but I'm trying not to remember...and I'm still struggling with intimacy sometimes. Like...triggers will, well, trigger me to think of them (my H and the MW he slept with once) having sex... You get the idea. Anyway, it makes it awkward. I can't "BE" with him after or during these thoughts. Sometimes they even happen during sex. And I'm ready to punch him and cry after that and don't want to touch him. Then, I spend hours just trying not to cry and he's struggling on the couch wondering what the eff to do. Sometimes, we even end up arguing. Advice, please, on how to deal with this? I know it's hard on him too... (A little ranting side note) It's so irritating! I feel like the special-ness of our sex life is tainted and that it's not...I don't know. I feel violated. It hurts me so badly. My heart hurts. I'm crying in the middle of sex. I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel I have to compete with her (even though he says our sex is better and different, and I'm more attractive and have the things he likes). He tries to talk to me, make me feel better, but I get more angry! And start yelling at him! Saying things like, "So what! You ****ing kissed her! Kissing is special! What the **** is your problem!" I don't feel special anymore. I'm not religious. It's not a religious thing. It's like, I don't feel like the wife anymore. I feel like "just another woman" he's had sex with. I thought I would be the last woman he would ever be with for the rest of his life. And there was security in that belief. I haven't kissed or been with another man for over seven years. I don't even remember what sleeping with other people is like. But he does. He just ****ed another woman! Sorry, for the long post. I'm really, really upset right now. Am I making sense? Does anyone else experience this? Thanks...
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I don't have an answer for you. But I wanted you to know that you've been heard. And you're most certainly not alone in this. 4
Spark1111 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yes,I did! it's normal at 7 months out. Those mind movies start and it's crazy making. I made a vow not to let the affair rob me of everything I liked. I compartmentalized, and just went for what I wanted when I wanted it. I swear, sometimes I USED him because I would not let my sex life be victimized too. Change it up. Demand what you want. Change locale. Go away together. you need to create new and exciting memories that will start to stomp out the sordid affair tapes. it's really not that great. you can always talk before or after. but hold up a STOP sign in your mind if your thoughts start to drift...Become the aggressor, initiate, do it differently....WHATEVER it takes to reclaim your own sexuality and pleasure. affair sex is hormone fueled.....but not necessarily better or what I would want on a daily basis. Use your imagination, empower yourself. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 You have to make you feel special, whatever that takes. When you empower yourself, feel good about your body, your appearance, your life outside of your relationship, is when you will start to feel sexy again! I died my hair blonder, started wearing more make up, started dressing sexier, not for him, but for me, started new, fun classes after work, met people, went places and, yes, began to garner male attention...not that I was looking for it..it empowered me! And my H became insanely jealous...and for as shallow as that sounds...THAT was not a bad thing at all. 1
Journee Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 You are not alone in this. I find myself comparing myself to the OW at times. Wondering what he saw in her. What he could have felt in those moments that were more compelling than his, life with me. How if she meant nothing and the sex was terrible, why go back for more two additional times (the last time he drove my car to her house). It's gut wrenching and seems impossible to reclaim feeling sexy and that he is exclusive to you. I'm not sure if even seven years could pass and I would feel he was mine. I do not have advice really as you are further along post DDay than I. I just want you to know you are not alone. I think this is all too much for myself and am not interested in making it work anymore. I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So, it's been just over seven months since D-Day...I could give you time down to the hour, but I'm trying not to remember...and I'm still struggling with intimacy sometimes. Like...triggers will, well, trigger me to think of them (my H and the MW he slept with once) having sex... You get the idea. Anyway, it makes it awkward. I can't "BE" with him after or during these thoughts. Sometimes they even happen during sex. And I'm ready to punch him and cry after that and don't want to touch him. Then, I spend hours just trying not to cry and he's struggling on the couch wondering what the eff to do. Sometimes, we even end up arguing. Advice, please, on how to deal with this? I know it's hard on him too... (A little ranting side note) It's so irritating! I feel like the special-ness of our sex life is tainted and that it's not...I don't know. I feel violated. It hurts me so badly. My heart hurts. I'm crying in the middle of sex. I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel I have to compete with her (even though he says our sex is better and different, and I'm more attractive and have the things he likes). He tries to talk to me, make me feel better, but I get more angry! And start yelling at him! Saying things like, "So what! You ****ing kissed her! Kissing is special! What the **** is your problem!" I don't feel special anymore. I'm not religious. It's not a religious thing. It's like, I don't feel like the wife anymore. I feel like "just another woman" he's had sex with. I thought I would be the last woman he would ever be with for the rest of his life. And there was security in that belief. I haven't kissed or been with another man for over seven years. I don't even remember what sleeping with other people is like. But he does. He just ****ed another woman! Sorry, for the long post. I'm really, really upset right now. Am I making sense? Does anyone else experience this? Thanks... Wow! That's an excellent summary of the how it feels. It makes total sense, and yes, I experienced all of that. They had sex once? Are you sure. That sounds like the drunk guy telling the police officer that he only had one beer. 2
sarah.H Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Why would you stay? I'm sorry but if my man cheated under any circumstances its over!! I believe your having these thoughts because you should and its your rational side saying leave him and find someone faithful 1
Author ladyinthemts Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Wow! That's an excellent summary of the how it feels. It makes total sense, and yes, I experienced all of that. They had sex once? Are you sure. That sounds like the drunk guy telling the police officer that he only had one beer. I had posted earlier this year the whole story. VERY long story short, yes, it was just once. Trust me. I could explain, but I'd have to write a novel long post. I don't want to rehash everything right now. I'm trying so hard to move on. But it's hard. I love him so much though, so it's like I want to kiss him then punch him in the face.
Author ladyinthemts Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Why would you stay? I'm sorry but if my man cheated under any circumstances its over!! I believe your having these thoughts because you should and its your rational side saying leave him and find someone faithful I understand. I stayed at a friend's house for a little awhile, even went on two trips alone, to think about it. The whole story is very long. Over the past several months he's basically done everything I've asked him to. Nothing is private or hidden anymore. We went to MC. I mean, sometimes, it's really hard. But divorce can be ugly too. So, I wanted to try again. But trust me, if he does anything like it again...I'm out. I couldn't handle it. I will tell you though. Logic goes out the window. I mean, I'm so mixed up with emotions I can't think straight. He asked me what I wanted, I said, "I have no ****ing idea." (I'm a cussing woman. lol) I mean, I want the pain to go away, for the OW to die(long story there to), and for this crap to never have happened. But it did happen. So I hurt. And I'm confused.
Recommended Posts