iouaname Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I've had a bizarre week. There was something about this week that has been different than the last five. I got fed up with the breadcrumbs, the false hope, and the constant anxiety and went no contact. The past five weeks I've only been able to think "I want him back." This week though, I've only been thinking "I want my dignity back." This was my first relationship and thus, first break up. I guess I didn't get it at first, so I feel as though I came across as so pitiful and pathetic. Then I think back on all of the times that I feel I showed him too much vulnerability, both before and after the break up, and I want to take it all back. The one positive to this is that I don't have the urge to contact him, or respond to his attempts at contact. I guess I feel that I've humiliated myself enough? Does anyone else feel like this? Feel like, more than anything, you want your dignity and self-esteem back? Does anyone have any suggestions or words for re-framing this kind of feeling?
stevie_23 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Maybe it comes down to eventually realizing you don’t even WANT to be in that relationship if you’re going to be THIS person? This person who feels pathetic and like they have no dignity, self esteem or control. If this is how you are now, in this relationship, how will you ever be happy and why would you WANT that? And then you see, this isn’t even who you are, and it wasn’t who you were when you got together with this person either. And it won’t be who you are when you eventually move on and find someone else either.
Mina Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I've had a bizarre week. There was something about this week that has been different than the last five. I got fed up with the breadcrumbs, the false hope, and the constant anxiety and went no contact. The past five weeks I've only been able to think "I want him back." This week though, I've only been thinking "I want my dignity back." This was my first relationship and thus, first break up. I guess I didn't get it at first, so I feel as though I came across as so pitiful and pathetic. Then I think back on all of the times that I feel I showed him too much vulnerability, both before and after the break up, and I want to take it all back. The one positive to this is that I don't have the urge to contact him, or respond to his attempts at contact. I guess I feel that I've humiliated myself enough? Does anyone else feel like this? Feel like, more than anything, you want your dignity and self-esteem back? Does anyone have any suggestions or words for re-framing this kind of feeling? You learned from the experience. That's the most important thing. The fact that you are moving forward and are learning is enough to be proud of yourself. We all have those moments of weakness, embarrassment and flat out stupidity, but it is how we reflect on those events and learn from them that we grow. It was your first relationship, and feelings make us all do stupid things. The only thing to be ashamed in would be to walk away with nothing learned. 4
stevie_23 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It was your first relationship, and feelings make us all do stupid things. The only thing to be ashamed in would be to walk away with nothing learned. SO true.... 1
Author iouaname Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 stevie23 - it wasn't so much that I felt like this in the relationship, it's more that I resent myself for the way that I handled things. He said that he wanted to say "very good friends," if I didn't call him, he would call me or send me texts asking how I am. He sent extreme breadcrumbs in how he thought that we could have a future but he just needed time. I didn't really understand that I was being dumped, and I feel that I came across pathetically by not making him history as soon as he dumped me. Mina, thank you! You're right. This has been such a learning experience for me. I feel like I have so much more of an understanding about things, I just wish that I could have had that understanding a little earlier and behaved in a way that made myself proud.
stevie_23 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Ohhh, I see. No, you were SO not pathetic. You didn't KNOW he was really dumping you because HE was not clear. A lot of them do this. They don't 100% know what they want but they know they don't want to be in a relationship the way it was anymore. But they still want you around. It's a comfort and they like / love you so I guess that's understandable. But they are just NOT clear, and so it's no fault of your's that you reacted the way you did. Never feel embarrassed or ashamed or pathetic for that. And hey, make yourself proud now. I think you already are. All any of us can do is behave the best way we know how in terms of our current situation. And you're doing that. 1
Author iouaname Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 And hey, make yourself proud now. I think you already are. All any of us can do is behave the best way we know how in terms of our current situation. And you're doing that. Thanks! It's true though, if nothing else, the one thing that I've discovered is that I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and power each day that I go without contacting him. Then I think about how weak & rejected I feel when I give in and contact him/respond to his attempts at contact and I feel that I'm finally at a point where I'm able to say that I prefer the former. I'm hoping that the feeling will continue. Once classes resume, I plan to work out and focus heavily on school. I no longer feel as though "I want him to come back to me," instead I feel like I want to build myself up into the strong person that I want to be.
cavalier99 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm totally with you. I don't struggle with this now at 4 months. But the 1st month i felt just sorta humiliated that I had practically begged her to stay with me for a little longer. Then my pride and self esteem started kicking in. NO WAY was i going to do lower myself like that again. Getting you self esteem and confidence back up is the best thing you can do early on. It helps you maintain NC and also set you on the right path to eventually getting over them. Absolutely no more pining after them and hoping, answering communication etc. Time to violently shove them away from you in your mind and maintain you dignity. You have the right idea! Rock On! Cav 1
Samilia Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I've had a bizarre week. There was something about this week that has been different than the last five. I got fed up with the breadcrumbs, the false hope, and the constant anxiety and went no contact. The past five weeks I've only been able to think "I want him back." This week though, I've only been thinking "I want my dignity back." This was my first relationship and thus, first break up. I guess I didn't get it at first, so I feel as though I came across as so pitiful and pathetic. Then I think back on all of the times that I feel I showed him too much vulnerability, both before and after the break up, and I want to take it all back. The one positive to this is that I don't have the urge to contact him, or respond to his attempts at contact. I guess I feel that I've humiliated myself enough? Does anyone else feel like this? Feel like, more than anything, you want your dignity and self-esteem back? Does anyone have any suggestions or words for re-framing this kind of feeling? To realize your mistake is a step closer to finding your dignity back. And to answer your question, sure I have put myself through the same type of humiliation. Not the end of the world, but it did suck. We just have to live, and learn. 1
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