Can't figure him out! Hot and cold....

[DirtyDancing]

I met this guy through a mutual friend about a year ago. We had instant chemistry, but didn't see each other again until a few months later. Once we did see each other again, we hit it off and ended up making out that night. He asked for my number and shortly after, he asked me on several dates, and they were great. Eventually, after several dates, we started sleeping together. I would reach out to him and he would pull back, but then he'd occasionally contact me, and say he wanted to see me. I asked him what the deal was, if he was interested or not. He said that he was, and he wanted to spend time with me but he wasn't looking for a relationship and he didn't think we should continue down the path we were on. I said in response that I wasn't looking for anything serious either (I am, but he's not the guy), and that I would like to spend time with him too.

 

So shortly after, he asked me out again, took me out and had a good night. I felt a little awkward after having that conversation with him, and once again, we ended up in bed. He was all over me the night before, but when he left in the morning, he was distant.

 

I held back, and didn't contact him because I remembered what he said before, and thought I'd leave the ball in his court if he wanted to see me.

 

About a month later, we ran into each other at a Halloween party. He saw me from across the room and made a beeline towards me. I played it cool and mingled the whole night, but at the end of it, he asked me to come home with him and I did. The next morning, we laid in bed for hours and talked and ate breakfast in bed.

 

Again, we both held back afterwards. At that point, we started playing team trivia with some friends, and often he would send a group text, or I would, asking who wanted to play. I'd see him, and he'd totally keep a distance, barely flirting, not being affectionate. So I'd give him a hug and he'd kiss my cheek, and we said nothing about the other stuff. I've been figuring that we had moved into the friend zone, which was alright with me because I like him as a person but I was still confused as to his intentions.

 

 

So, after several months of being just trivia partners, we both were invited to a friend's Christmas party. I asked him if he wouldn't mind driving me home because my ride left early, and he asked if I wanted to go out somewhere, so we went to a bar and talked for 2 hours. He drove me home, and I asked if he wanted to come up. I figured, well we're friends now, so I'd ask a friend the same if I didn't want the night to be over. He said that he would like to, and he was interested in me. He also said that he wanted to have sex with me, but reminded me again that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I again told him that I wasn't either, BUT if sex was the only thing he could offer me, I wanted a little bit more than just that. No more of the occasional text. I said I wanted to date him more regularly, and talk more often than letting weeks or months go by. By dating him regularly, I meant maybe several times a month. And he said in response that in that case, maybe we should just call it a night, but he wanted to see me soon. So he left.

 

Played trivia several times after that, and we flirted a little, it was warmer this time around, but left it at that. Out of the blue a few weeks ago, I was out salsa dancing with friends and he called and asked if I wanted to meet him out at one of my favorite bars where he and I went once before. I said I was busy, but said maybe later. By the time I left, he was already home, and I went home and sent him a very naughty text. He didn't respond.. it was about 2 a.m.

 

The next day, he sent me a text saying that he didn't see my text until later and said 'yes, please' in response. So I said, 'great, make it happen'. Silence. Several days later, he asks me out of the blue to describe in detail a sexual fantasy I mentioned to him awhile ago. So I did, and he said that he wanted to and could help me out with that fantasy. I said great. (What I wanted to say was " I'M WAITING, DUMMY!!!") I let a few days go by, and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink since we missed each other the last time he asked. He couldn't that night, but suggested over the weekend. Again, silence. Our last communication was a week ago.

 

WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Clearly, he likes me, wants me, and is interested. He is aware that I am too. What the hell is his problem? I'm basically giving him the invitation and he's taking the bait but does nothing about it.

We told each other where we stand, and have been honest, so there's no confusion there. Does he just want to sleep with me occasionally with no strings attached and is just being respectful not to do that when I made it clear that I needed just a bit more than casual, occasional sex? He's gorgeous and the sex was amazing, so it's tempting to take what he has to offer... but he won't follow through with it!

Edited January 25, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[MrCastle]

You are not his only option. And if you're willing to "take what he has to offer", what is his incentive to commit to you? If you want to find out where he stands, and/or want a definitive answer from him, no sex until he commits. Then you'll uncover the truth.

[HitMeNow]

Lol at We`re clearly into each other.

I`ll let you in a secret. Guys like attention as much as girls do. So if you`re willing to give him that attention, he`ll keep you around.

[Astra5]

I think he is only after what he can get in the bedroom.... and nothing more. It sounds like he is using you to get his kicks and keeping you dangling until the next time.....

 

I say move on and leave him in the dust!

[MrCastle]

I think he is only after what he can get in the bedroom.... and nothing more. It sounds like he is using you to get his kicks and keeping you dangling until the next time.....

 

I say move on and leave him in the dust!

 

Is it alright to agree with you just because you're a cutie?

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's not hot n cold, he just sees you hardly worth the effort.

 

Probably not his type, sure he seems so in the moment and very interested at times when he's with you but that's kind of like one of those situations where you are in you're ok with it and maybe even having fun at the time, but to get you to do it again takes a lot of effort and energy because you're not really motivated. It's only a once in a while type of thing at best.

 

He's probably having some issues over the fact that you aren't chasing him either, he doesn't seem to have the confidence level to take initiative and truly just use you as a piece of love meat like you're asking...so I'd say insecurities and fumbling on his part, sometimes it's so easy and convenient a guy doesn't know what do to or how to act because he's so used to having to work "for it".

 

At any rate, there's no confusion once again...If you're that into him and the sex then just hang out like his other FWB's for the occasional drunk text/booty call or "whats up, how have you been?" or if he finds you within a convenient situation he can pursue you because you're a sure thing. But you're definitely not at the top of the list.

 

Eventually though he'll be done with it and move on, you can't even pull him with some sex talk or "fantasy" role-playing which is sad for you, and shows how not interested he really is, in spite of what he's telling you...I mean really what do you expect him to say? "I think you're a nut, not all that attractive, and annoying most of the time but I wouldn't mind tolerating you enough to bang you whenever I feel horny and like it out of the blue..would you be ok with it?" The guy clearly isn't into it, you basically beg for his attention...might as well just lay on his front door naked with your legs open, and he just might not step over you every time, and eventually just tel you to go away, he's done with it.

 

I would say he's hardly interested in you, which is why his words can't match his actions...it really doesn't matter that you're ok with the situation, if anything it just makes it harder to walk away from an easy consistent lay...that's really the man truth of it. And now you want some work and time investment?....definitely not going to happen, that's enough incentive for him to move on.

[clia]

Clearly, he likes me, wants me, and is interested.

 

I don't think this is clear at all based on what you wrote. In fact, he seems completely disinterested, even to get together for sex. I think you should forget about him and move on.

[coffeebean201]

He sounds like a complex man.

 

He has a bad habit with game playing.

 

Something about his feelings is not genuine.

 

Maybe he has some big internal hangup/ego or something.

 

Either way, his way of playing is not the same as your way of playing and he doesn't seem to care enough to adjust the rules.

[pbjbear]

I have found that sleeping with a man after a few dates is a way to make sure you wont progress any further.

 

If a guy really wants a relationship, you have awesome chemistry, or he doesnt have options...this wont happen

 

So this guy either

1) doesnt want a relationship and never did...but you guys didnt talk about it before sex

2) he liked sex with you but just doesnt like you enough (I find this to be the usual reason...few guys rarely mix emotions with sex...guys are much more emotionally cold than women)

3) he does liek you but has alot of other options and thus doesnt want to commit

[HitMeNow]

I have found that sleeping with a man after a few dates is a way to make sure you wont progress any further.

 

If a guy really wants a relationship, you have awesome chemistry, or he doesnt have options...this wont happen

 

Im a guy, but unfortunately I do agree with this.

 

I have slept with many many women, yet the only ones that I regarded as relationship material I didnt for a while, usually because of their choice.

[DirtyDancing]

thanks for your comments, everyone. I think he plays hot and cold. He doesn't act disinterested though.

For the record, I DO NOT want a relationship with him. I DO NOT want to put in the effort to chase him; to be honest, I loved the sex and I like him as a person, so at this point I'd be ok with friends with benefits with him. I don't have deeper feelings for him, nor do I want him to commit to me, ever. I'm also keeping my options open, so I don't care if he is either.

 

It does seem that it's only when he does see me that it flames up, with the exception of a few times and even recently that he's contacted me.

 

I'm lonely and he's the most likely option; I don't sleep around and I'm not easily impressed by men. We have a chemistry, we're just not THAT into each other... just enough to do the deed. It's the truth.

 

So, I'm just killing time with him here, what's my next move??

[HitMeNow]

thanks for your comments, everyone. I think he plays hot and cold. He doesn't act disinterested though.

For the record, I DO NOT want a relationship with him. I DO NOT want to put in the effort to chase him; to be honest, I loved the sex and I like him as a person, so at this point I'd be ok with friends with benefits with him. I don't have deeper feelings for him, nor do I want him to commit to me, ever. I'm also keeping my options open, so I don't care if he is either.

 

It does seem that it's only when he does see me that it flames up, with the exception of a few times and even recently that he's contacted me.

 

I'm lonely and he's the most likely option; I don't sleep around and I'm not easily impressed by men. We have a chemistry, we're just not THAT into each other... just enough to do the deed. It's the truth.

 

So, I'm just killing time with him here, what's my next move??

 

Lol the truth is you re lying to yourself. You're trying to think about it as casual (which it might be), but casual or not, you are invested in it. The moment you are thinking about "what is your next move", it's like you are investing in a stock and expect return from it.

This expectation is what ultimately is gonna increase your attraction (Think about it this way. you invest 100$, want return on it, so you keep investing more in the hopes for some return. Investing 10$ on 100$ seems nothing and all of a sudden, you see your investment growing out of proportion).

 

CUT YOUR LOSSES and go home.

There are plenty of guys out there. Honestly I read a few of your posts OP and you seem to get obsessed with guys easily. Let them do their chasing and THINK with your logical brain besides your emotional one.

 

Cheers,

[pbjbear]

Lol the truth is you re lying to yourself. You're trying to think about it as casual (which it might be), but casual or not, you are invested in it. The moment you are thinking about "what is your next move", it's like you are investing in a stock and expect return from it.

This expectation is what ultimately is gonna increase your attraction (Think about it this way. you invest 100$, want return on it, so you keep investing more in the hopes for some return. Investing 10$ on 100$ seems nothing and all of a sudden, you see your investment growing out of proportion).

 

CUT YOUR LOSSES and go home.

There are plenty of guys out there. Honestly I read a few of your posts OP and you seem to get obsessed with guys easily. Let them do their chasing and THINK with your logical brain besides your emotional one.

 

Cheers,

 

Oh hush. I believe her. Women analyze everything

 

I have had 3 fwb's (one of which ended because he wanted ME to be his gf and I didnt) I didnt want any of them...and I still analyzed the situation

 

Men dont analyze their relationships like women do...so I dont know why I even expected you to understand in the first place. Women that come this forum are likely to analyze their relationships even more...

 

She also said she didnt have many options...in my experience when I have less options I do analyze more...

[Archgirl]

I think that maybe he's really interested in you - i'd take his "not interested in anything more" as getting it in before you said it, he's been into you for a year, waiting for some sign you are just as interested but too scared to put himself out there by admitting it first.

...and you maybe like him a bit more than is comfortable? So you both keep giving each other the back-off/not interested/play it cool signals so you don't get rejected?

There seems to be way too much game playing for there not to be some serious emotions involved..

So why not just go for it? Play it a lil less cool and see what happens - Life's too short right?

...and if it turns out everyone else on this thread is right then at least you've narrowed down the candidates for Mr Right/Mr Right-Now

[DirtyDancing]

Oh hush. I believe her. Women analyze everything

 

I have had 3 fwb's (one of which ended because he wanted ME to be his gf and I didnt) I didnt want any of them...and I still analyzed the situation

 

Men dont analyze their relationships like women do...so I dont know why I even expected you to understand in the first place. Women that come this forum are likely to analyze their relationships even more...

 

She also said she didnt have many options...in my experience when I have less options I do analyze more...

 

Thank you. The ironic thing is, I have plenty of options. I get a lot of male attention all the time. I'm just actually interested in a very select few; which is why I say he's 'one of my only options'. I could take my pick... just telling it like it is. I just VERY rarely meet a man that I really like, and it's mutual. Which is why I get a little 'invested' or as a previous poster said, 'obsessive'. It's called trying to analyze the situation because you actually give a damn, and because it's rare for me lately.

 

Anyway, with this guy, I agree he's playing games, and I don't have time to play games. I absolutely HATE having to pursue someone. I'm not used to it and it feels like rejection, even when I thought just a casual thing with this one would be a slam dunk. I feel like even pursuing something as casual as he can offer seems like a chore. He should be doing it, not me.

[HitMeNow]

I think that maybe he's really interested in you - i'd take his "not interested in anything more" as getting it in before you said it, he's been into you for a year, waiting for some sign you are just as interested but too scared to put himself out there by admitting it first.

 

I will fall down the stairs and hit myself in the nuts one of these days. I saw in another thread, where "this guy was contacting a girl every day" - that he is probably "interested in getting in her pants".

 

And this guy, who obviously doesn't give 1 little ****, is maybe having feelings. GIVE ME A ****ING BREAK. Take things to face value.

[HitMeNow]

Oh hush. I believe her. Women analyze everything

 

I have had 3 fwb's (one of which ended because he wanted ME to be his gf and I didnt) I didnt want any of them...and I still analyzed the situation

 

Men dont analyze their relationships like women do...so I dont know why I even expected you to understand in the first place. Women that come this forum are likely to analyze their relationships even more...

 

She also said she didnt have many options...in my experience when I have less options I do analyze more...

 

Honestly, I think men and women are almost the same when it comes to thinking. Guys overanalyze **** too. Even though most of them will never admit it. It's just how the human mind works, but the fact that you are overanalyzing on something means that you are invested.

You do not overanalyze on the RandomJoe situation who is hitting on you for decades and you wont go out on a date with him. You dont overanalyze on the RandomJack, who has taken you out twice but you friendzoned him hard. You overanalyze on people YOU ARE INVESTED IN. And the fact that the OP feels like she needs to do something is proof of that.

 

OP, do yourself a big favor and stop analyzing this.

[Archgirl]

Hahaha! you sound like me!

But...I know how rarely I meet guys that I actually like...could love...and it's better to get potentially hurt/rejected in the short term than regret not taking an opportunity..he probably already feels out on a limb, you probably haven't given him much reason to think there is anything to catch if he chases you...and anyway, I'm not saying chase him, or boss him about with dating schedules - that's just trying to control a situation/person that makes you feel vulnerable - just maybe don't mention anything that smacks of not wanting a relationship and turn up the non-verbal positive responses a bit next time you see him and guage his responses?

I always come off as more aloof/disinterested with the ones I actually like just because i'm so damn scared they can tell

Best of luck!

[Archgirl]

so what if he turns out not to have feelings? It's not like you get a prize at the end for "least rejected" or "never got hurt". I really don't see the point in self-protectiveness to the point of not actually living

[DirtyDancing]

I was feeling empowered by this discussion, so I decided to stop being so proper and actually go after what I want. One of my best guy friends told me yesterday when telling him about my recent man troubles that I need to turn up the heat, and that's my problem. I'm too shy and reserved about it.

So I just sent a text to this guy and told him (and addressed him by the name of the character we were discussing in the fantasy) that "I was under the impression that we both had the same goal as far as the fantasy you asked me about. If I'm wrong, tell me. But if that's what you can offer, I'm telling you that I don't expect more than just that. I'm tired about being reserved about asking for what I want."

The truth is, lately, I don't get what I want because I'm too shy and cautious to ask for it. I want to play the chase, but when basic human desires are present, the chase takes more effort than being direct.

 

If he doesn't respond positively with that information, then he's a friggin fool. In that case, then on to the next fool.

[DirtyDancing]

He did respond promptly, and he asked me when we could make that happen. He then told me that he wanted me in heels and a skirt. I'm not saying he has 'feelings', but he defintely has and does have desire for me, and THAT is mutual.

 

I've always played aloof with men, particularly the ones I like. It doesn't get me much and I don't care anymore about the rules. Life's too short. I just planted the seed in his mind, and he's making it happen. My friend was right!

[DirtyDancing]

Honestly, I think men and women are almost the same when it comes to thinking. Guys overanalyze **** too. Even though most of them will never admit it. It's just how the human mind works, but the fact that you are overanalyzing on something means that you are invested.

You do not overanalyze on the RandomJoe situation who is hitting on you for decades and you wont go out on a date with him. You dont overanalyze on the RandomJack, who has taken you out twice but you friendzoned him hard. You overanalyze on people YOU ARE INVESTED IN. And the fact that the OP feels like she needs to do something is proof of that.

 

OP, do yourself a big favor and stop analyzing this.

 

Unfortunately, the fact is that women spend the majority of their adult lives, single or attached, analyzing men's intentions. And you're right, the ones they like. I never said I didn't like this guy. I'm just adult enough to know that I'm not expecting more than sex... with him. I'd like that with someone else of course, but I know that what he has to offer me right now is sex... and friendship. That's fine. Don't feel I'm overanalyzing; just curious

[DirtyDancing]

Ok, so I had a great night with this guy last night, and it still puzzles me how he can be so hot and cold. He invited me over and when I walked up he was standing at the door wearing a suit and tie. I mentioned once to him that I loved it when a man wore a suit and tie, and he dressed the part for me... it was pretty impressive that he remembered. Spent the night with him, and it was incredible.. but he does something that I've never experienced before, and it's so strange to me.

 

He's totally affectionate and very tender in bed and before hand, but afterwards he's stand-offish and barely touches me at all! I mean, not even putting his arm around me in bed afterwards or pressing up against me in bed. I have to reach out and touch him for him to reciprocate after the fact. He invited me to spend the night there; I assumed I'd be leaving, but I did end up staying the whole night.

 

So, the sex is amazing, better than it ever was before with him, but there's something missing! I've never had a guy NOT be all over me in bed, after and between sex. Usually the heat carries over. As affectionate and tender as he can be with me, how can he be so hot and then turn it off?? We like each other and there's no doubt that the sex is pretty incredible, so what's his hangup?

Edited January 26, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ok, so I had a great night with this guy last night, and it still puzzles me how he can be so hot and cold. He invited me over and when I walked up he was standing at the door wearing a suit and tie. I mentioned once to him that I loved it when a man wore a suit and tie, and he dressed the part for me... it was pretty impressive that he remembered. Spent the night with him, and it was incredible.. but he does something that I've never experienced before, and it's so strange to me.

 

He's totally affectionate and very tender in bed and before hand, but afterwards he's stand-offish and barely touches me at all! I mean, not even putting his arm around me in bed afterwards or pressing up against me in bed. I have to reach out and touch him for him to reciprocate after the fact. He invited me to spend the night there; I assumed I'd be leaving, but I did end up staying the whole night.

 

So, the sex is amazing, better than it ever was before with him, but there's something missing! I've never had a guy NOT be all over me in bed, after and between sex. Usually the heat carries over. As affectionate and tender as he can be with me, how can he be so hot and then turn it off?? We like each other and there's no doubt that the sex is pretty incredible, so what's his hangup?

 

Because he's just not that into you...a guy can have sex with you, and during that moment or interaction feel very interested and attached...but once that deed is done, the sexual energy released, the moment of intensity passed..then it's just...you laying there. Someone he doesn't have a lot of emotions, affection or otherwise interest in. It's why he doesn't want to be "with you"...that takes actual emotional stimulation, and interest to motive him and compel him to want to do those things...I'm really not sure what you don't get about that other than your emotional denial that you don't want more...does it make you feel better to complicate this?

 

Just throw the vagina at him...at least you're getting something to your rationalizing...right? Guys can even be affectionate and show interest after sex, so it doesn't mean they are even still into you. You're basically asking the wrong questions and just because he asked you to spend the night could have just been convenience and one of those "gentlemen like" necessities...you're reading far too into it though, If you start patronizing him with all these questions and concerns you're going to ruin it just so you know...the LS community may have patience but half-interested men will not..it's just too much work or drama to hang around for.

 

The fact that these other guys are all over you if they are in a similar situation where they have a limited interest level than the are likely being affectionate and all over you due to your "physical qualities" more than how they feel for you...each guy can be different...it's like you being concerned with why one guy likes blue and the other likes green...what's the hangup? What kind of question is that? there is no hangup, it's just the same thing cut in a different way but it's the same substance or meaning.

 

How a man acts with a casual sex partner reflects nothing about how he feels on those actions alone.

[HitMeNow]

Ok, so I had a great night with this guy last night, and it still puzzles me how he can be so hot and cold. He invited me over and when I walked up he was standing at the door wearing a suit and tie. I mentioned once to him that I loved it when a man wore a suit and tie, and he dressed the part for me... it was pretty impressive that he remembered. Spent the night with him, and it was incredible.. but he does something that I've never experienced before, and it's so strange to me.

 

He's totally affectionate and very tender in bed and before hand, but afterwards he's stand-offish and barely touches me at all! I mean, not even putting his arm around me in bed afterwards or pressing up against me in bed. I have to reach out and touch him for him to reciprocate after the fact. He invited me to spend the night there; I assumed I'd be leaving, but I did end up staying the whole night.

 

So, the sex is amazing, better than it ever was before with him, but there's something missing! I've never had a guy NOT be all over me in bed, after and between sex. Usually the heat carries over. As affectionate and tender as he can be with me, how can he be so hot and then turn it off?? We like each other and there's no doubt that the sex is pretty incredible, so what's his hangup?

 

The hangup is he doesn't want to have anything else to do with you, besides ****ing. How can a guy be more obvious.

 

Honestly Idk whats the question.

 

He wants you for sex (lets be serious any single guy would probably **** anything above a 6.5-7)

You want him for sex and more.

 

You keep reaching out to him, meaning you invest more, meaning you will want him more. STOP INVESTING. STOP IT. NOW. Or you're gonna get hurt. As a rule of thumb, the more you invest into something, the more disappointed and sad you are when you don't get what you expect). If you want to just **** then let him do the work. Otherwise go find another ****buddy. Shouldnt be hard.