Most Passive-Aggressive Woman Ever

[Palominas]

I posted about this girl in my first post, but here's a follow up. As of a few days ago, I thought it was over and I still kind of thing it's over, even though I still like her.

Background/Recap: I asked her out about a month ago, after having a crush on her for a few months. She said yes. We went out on a few dates. Had a good time and spent hours talking to each other on these dates. First date, she mentions she just got out of a LTR and wanted to take it slow. I told her then, if she's ever uncomfortable, wanted to take it slower, or just break it off, to let me know and I'd be "ok" with it.

 

We both have busy shift-work schedules and we're both going to school for advanced degrees. She canceled a date on me when our schedules matched (again shift work, so it's difficult for our schedules to match up, but not impossible to see each other). She said she had a big paper to do for school. I asked her out this time our schedules matched. Took her about 5 or 6 days, but she texted back she's going out of state to visit friends. I just responded "Ok, have fun." She really doesn't communicate well, maybe a text or two a week. No phone calls, etc. I'm always the one initiating it. You'd think if she felt anything for me, she'd at least maybe want to talk or something once or twice a week.

 

Epiphany: So this morning I was thinking. She's prolly the most passive-aggressive woman I've ever met. When talking about her likes and dislikes, she's pretty vague on music tastes, movies, etc. with an "Oh, almost anything" attitude. I took it as a challenge to try to see what she really wants. She's smart, she has good values, she's attractive. She has cool stories and is genuinely interesting. I like those traits on her, enough so that I want to see her. Although, in the back of my mind, I'm not sure she meant the "yes" when I originally asked her out and she's just responding to me to avoid saying no. Either that or her LTR (guessing it ended about 4 or 5 months ago) really ****** up her attitude a bit and she really needs time/space to get over it.

 

So, in the meantime, I'm giving her the ball completely. If she wants to pursue this, she's going to have to step up to the plate and talk to me. Meanwhile, I'm going to date other women and not hold my breath.

 

Thoughts?

[KungFuJoe]

Just exactly how is she passive aggressive again?

 

Perhaps you need to look that up real quick.

[serial muse]

Just exactly how is she passive aggressive again?

 

Perhaps you need to look that up real quick.

 

Yeah, this. She sounds just straight-up passive.

[KungFuJoe]

And not interested.

[Palominas]

Just exactly how is she passive aggressive again?

 

Perhaps you need to look that up real quick.

 

She's really non-assertive. She doesn't say "no". She's pretty cryptic in her responses. Makes excuses. From her previous LTR she seems to have a fear of intimacy, etc. Please tell me where I'm wrong if I'm using the wrong term.

[Els]

She's really non-assertive. She doesn't say "no". She's pretty cryptic in her responses. Makes excuses. From her previous LTR she seems to have a fear of intimacy, etc. Please tell me where I'm wrong if I'm using the wrong term.

 

She's just being passive, not passive-aggressive.

[Palominas]

Just exactly how is she passive aggressive again?

 

Perhaps you need to look that up real quick.

 

Yeah, this. She sounds just straight-up passive.

 

And not interested.

 

Ok, we'll go with straight up passive then and yeah, I'll go with not interested. I'm cool with that. So my thoughts on let her make the next move (not likely) and not holding my breath while I date other women should be fine. She doesn't get to break up with someone, I get to date other women without feeling like there would be something there I'm missing. Win-Win.

[KungFuJoe]

Ok, we'll go with straight up passive then and yeah, I'll go with not interested. I'm cool with that. So my thoughts on let her make the next move (not likely) and not holding my breath while I date other women should be fine. She doesn't get to break up with someone, I get to date other women without feeling like there would be something there I'm missing. Win-Win.

 

You really need to work on your colloquialisms.

 

This is not a win/win.

[scratch]

She's really non-assertive. She doesn't say "no". She's pretty cryptic in her responses. Makes excuses. From her previous LTR she seems to have a fear of intimacy, etc. Please tell me where I'm wrong if I'm using the wrong term.

 

The appropriate term here is elusive, but it's likely a product of her lack of interest. Passive aggressive behavior is if, in addition to your fact pattern, she did respond to your text by saying "why did you wait so long to text me? What are you trying to prove? Stop playing games."

 

I understand you (think you) want her to just pointedly tell you she isn't interested, but it doesn't really matter what her words are; she has pointedly told you with her actions.

 

Your course of action is the proper one; good luck finding someone who is more receptive. In the unlikely event that your crush does put herself back in the picture, you'd still probably be better off with someone else.

[Palominas]

You really need to work on your colloquialisms.

 

This is not a win/win.

 

You need to work on your subtly and sarcasm. I get the situation sucks, but I'm not going to sulk about it.

[SmileFace]

She isn't interested.

Point blank.

 

There really isn't anything passive-aggressive about the situation.

I get called passive aggressive all the time.

People are just nice - since I don't get the "passive" part.

 

Anyhoo ... she doesn't seem interested enough for you to continue to do all the work.

[sid3]

Thoughts? She doesn't appear to be interested at all.

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't invest too much time in someone that has just gotten out of a long term relationship. I think she's just not that interested right now, and that seems understandable given her circumstances.

 

I wouldn't wait around for someone that is unavailable. Invest your energy elsewhere.

[Mrlonelyone]

Just for the heck of it I looked up passive agressive behavior.

 

Passive-aggressive behavior - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The book “Living with the Passive-aggressive Man” lists 11 observations that may help identify passive-aggressive behavior:[3]

 

• Ambiguity and cryptic speech: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one’s own insecurities;
   
  
• Intentional inefficiency, e.g. being late or forgetting things, as a way to exert control or to punish;
   
  
• Convenient forgetfulness: to win any argument with a dishonest denial of actual events;
   
  
• Cold shoulder response: withdrawing into long silences to avoid either confronting or connecting with others.
   
  
• Fear of competition;
   
  
• Fear of dependency;
   
  
• Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: the passive-aggressive often cannot trust; because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone;
   
  
• Making chaotic situations;
   
  
• Making excuses for non–performance in work teams;
   
  
• Obstructionism;
   
  
• Sulking;
   
  
• Victimization response: instead of recognizing one’s own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.
  

 

A passive-aggressive person may not display all of these behaviors.

 

The ones I emphasized are present in the OP's description. Rejecting someone by pulling a fade, not responding, or taking your sweet time to respond is passive agressive.

 

The ones that I underlined could be what some men call "creating drama".

 

Never the less as the OP put it, If his read of the situation is that she's not really interested but too chicken to say no right out, and that he should just move on. Then so be it. "Win-Win":cool:

[Mtlgrrl]

Not interested. If a girl likes you, you won't have to initiate everything to get her to go out! Like you said, do your own things, she has your # if she feels like seeing you, she can call/text