Sweetpeacakes Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Hi everyone. New to this forum but needed advice and have nothing to lose. I had been in a relationship with an amazing man for 3 months. I know that is not long but I am in my late 20s and he is in his mid 30s so things tend to progress quickly at that stage in life. I should preface this by saying I am the first person he has dated in 3.5 years. He was in a 9 year relationship where she left him for another man prior to those years. Things were amazing with him. We connected on every level imaginable. Then Sunday afternoon he told me he hasn't moved emotionally. He said he really likes me but that is as far as he has gotten. He is scared to continue on with the relationship because he is afraid that is as far as he can get. He thinks continuing would only hurt me worse. I tried to reason with him that we don't know the future. But he says he has built a wall and is broken and doesn't know if anyone will ever get in again. We talked for hours and we both shed a lot of tears. As I was leaving he told me he already misses me. He also said he isn't financially in a place to marry and I am only the third person he has ever dated. He said maybe he needs to date more. When I asked if he was seeing someone he said no. I believe him although that may be naive. I talked to him last night in a moment of weakness as I have been trying to go no contact. He told me he misses me and wants so badly to just come over and pretend this never happened but what if he has to end it for the same reasons in a few months. He thinks I will be even more hurt. He cried again and said maybe he just needs time. I know I cannot contact him right now. My question is just whether or not he is being honest. Should I give it a few weeks and contact him? Or do you think he will end up contacting me? I am going crazy without him. I really thought he was it for me. Any advice is welcome and appreciated! Thanks!
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Well, the dude is carrying a lot a baggage. I mean, investing 9 years in a solid relationship only to be cheated on and left in the dirt. Yeah, a lot of baggage. And his wall reference is spot on. He does have a wall up. and he's keeping you on the other side of it; only peeking out at you on occasion. Which, really isn't fair to you to be honest. And I have to give him credit. He realizes that you may be a rebound for him and he respect you enough not to hurt you. He doesn't want you to be his rebound, but he isn't healed enough to give you 100% of himself because he's broken by his own admission. So, I won't put him into my colorful classification as a douche rocket. He doesn't want to hurt you and he's scared to death of being torn to shreads again because he realizes he guarded and afraid to give you 100% of himself that, sooner or later you'll find someone else that can. And he's back to square one and he never wants to feel that level of pain ever again that he's willing to let you go than to feel that pain again. Look, a good definition of love is giving your heart to someone and trusting them enough not to break it. Well, is Ex broke it badly and gave it back to him. So, the only thing he has to offer you is a heart that is battered, bruised, torn and scarred. But, it's all that he has left. So! What can you do? The only thing I can think of is reaching out to him one more time. Maybe in an email or whatever. Say to him. " Look, I'm not looking for a ring from you or marriage. I enjoy being with YOU. You are an amazing person and I enjoy spending time with YOU. I realize that your Ex hurt you in the worst possible way. But I am not her. I have respect for people and for the person that I'm with. I believe that you are an amazing man. If I didn't see it in you, I wouldn't be putting myself out there like this if I didn't think my time with you wasn't worth. it. You deserve a woman that is going to you treat right. And I am definately up for the challange. So, here's what I propose to you. One date, no strings attached, no hidden agenda's. The only thing I want is a night out on the town with a very handsome man. Nothing more, nothing less. The only thing I'm going to promise you is a fun night out. If, by the end of the night, you've enjoyed yourself, then maybe we can plan other night out with the same premise. No strings attached. I don't want you feeling pressured and no "serious relationship conversations" because it's just a date. And I won't allow you to bring up any conversations of the sort. I'll stop you dead in your tracks. I only want to have a fun night out with you. At the end of the night, we end the date. Nothing more than that. So, don't get any idea's Mister! I don't do that sort of stuff on a first date. But, if you've enjoyed yourself and you feel compelled to kiss me, I MAY not object! If this is something that you're just not interested in I understand and I will leave you alone. But I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't give it one last try. If your answer is no, I'll understand and I'll move on; no hard feelings. But, I'm just a girl reaching out to a guy that I feel is worth the effort." Then, wait for his response. If his answer is yes to one date, then YOU need to plan out the night. Make reservations to the nicest restaurant you can find. Plan something else afterwards. Go to a comedy club, take him to a Salsa Lesson, horseback riding...something fun. By the way, you're paying for this date. If it's no, it may hurt a little but at least you can walk with your head held high knowing that you gave him the chance. But his "no" should be an indication that he really isn't ready for anything and it's time for you to heal and move on. Then start a hard NC. This is just my opinion and advice. You don't have to follow it.
Author Sweetpeacakes Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Thank you for the response. That is something I had thought of and want to try. I am just wondering if I should give it a week or so before I do. Primarily because the breakup lasted an entire day and the next conversation lasted 3 hours. I know he cares for me so a part of me wants to back off for a few days and see what happens (especially since he mentioned that maybe we could have this conversation again in a week). It is worth a shot though. The worst thing that can happen is he says no.
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Yeah, I'd give it a few days. It gives you time to compose it in a letter or a private message on his FB or something. However! Do not have this proposal on the phone with him! That gives him an opportunity to interupt you without putting all your cards out on the table. He needs to read your intentions all the way through. Make sure you make it known that there are NO STRINGS and NO HIDDEN AGENDA'S. He needs to know that he can relax on the date with you and knows where he stands on this date. Just a fun night out. Nothing more, nothing less. and most importantly NOTHING SERIOUS!!!
Author Sweetpeacakes Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Well he came over tonight and we agreed to the date, but we scheduled it for the Sunday after valentine's day to avoid the pressure of that holiday. We also agreed to go no contact until a week or so before. He said he needs that and i probably do too. After all, I want to be in a place where I can be the fun girl he was when we first started dating. He wanted to wait until after valentine's because he said he doesn't know where he will be then. He said he could be really missing me or he could be seeing someone. But he also said anyone he sees will be casual, nothing serious. He also told me he would agree to the date as long as I could accept that he might be seeing other people as well. I said yes but of course that isn't ideal for me. I keep thinking he has to have someone else to make those statements but if so, he has still been very available to me. Am I over thinking this? Should I be okay with the date being scheduled a few weeks out or should I take it as a way for him to reject me without having to do it out right? He is usually very forthcoming so I am just confused.
Author Sweetpeacakes Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I see several people have read this post. Any additional thoughts or advice is much needed. I feel like I am losing my mind
KatZee Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) To be completely honest with you, I'd walk away right now. You've been with him three months. There is no real investment here. I don't even know why the person above mentioned marriage and a ring. You shouldn't be talking about that at this stage in the game, period. A lot of what he is saying is raising HUGE red flags with me. For one, he's giving you this sob story of how he's scared no one will be able to get close to him like his ex was. Meanwhile, he's dropping lines saying, "oh well... maybe I'll miss you but maybe I'll be dating someone else." He's clearly not scared to be in a relationship. What I think, is that he's "just not that into you." The part where he said he hasn't "moved emotionally" with you is pretty telling. Couple that with the fact he says he may be dating someone else...? I think that at this stage in the game, he should be unable to get enough of you (if he was so into you.) Instead he's purposely avoiding Valentine's Day with you, he needs space away from you, he's saying he's not progressed emotionally with you, and he may want to date other women. This to me screams, "I'm not into you." And if someone is going to flip/flop that way with me, I do not want to be with him, and you shouldn't either. At three months, he should be dying to take you out for Valentine's Day and wouldn't even dare say "I may be dating someone else" to your face. He's pretty much the one that has checked out of the relationship, so he's the one that needs to be chasing you down asking for a second chance... not the other way around. I wouldn't write any emails, or notes, or call him telling him how much you're going to accommodate yourself for him, or how you're going to be in some casual pseudo-relationship because he has too much baggage to deal with. He needs to straighten his s.hit out, he most likely needs to be alone. To push him to be with you with all your adjustments is going to make you feel like you convinced him into staying. You want him to WANT to be with you on his own terms. Back off and let him come to you. Edited January 25, 2013 by KatZee
Author Sweetpeacakes Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you for your honesty. He has said if he dates anyone else he is going to tell them on the front end that he cannot be serious with them. I wish I had gotten the same talk! I guess I mistook his tears and unwillingness to let me go Sunday night as a chance that he does have some sort of feeling for me. Just last week he kept telling me how extraordinary I am and how much he likes me. But you are right. If a man wants to be with you then he will be with you. He did mention I am the third longest relationship he has ever been in. Crazy.
Allumere Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you for your honesty. He has said if he dates anyone else he is going to tell them on the front end that he cannot be serious with them. I wish I had gotten the same talk! I guess I mistook his tears and unwillingness to let me go Sunday night as a chance that he does have some sort of feeling for me. Just last week he kept telling me how extraordinary I am and how much he likes me. But you are right. If a man wants to be with you then he will be with you. He did mention I am the third longest relationship he has ever been in. Crazy. My dating time was longer. I heard how special and extrardinary I was, how I had all the qualities he was looking for (compassion, passionate, grace) etc. all the way to the I love yous. Then it became I'm just not 100% sure....but he loves me...etc. He had dated tons of women after his divorce. had 4 relationships prior to me, each lasting a few months. I was the best person he had met and dated..blah, blah, blah,..we were together 6 months. Bottom line, I was the 2nd best person he dated...I wasn't the one for him...should of taken the hint the first time he showed doubts. The guy may certainly be trying to be honest, need to sort out feelings etc. but don't be surprised if that week before the date he calls and cancels because he has meet someone else. I'd make other plans.
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 KatZee - You are SO right here. Sorry, but without even knowing this guy, it is 100% certain that he is not into her, in the way that is needed for a long term relationship. On the positive side - he obviously DID like her a lot, and enjoyed being with her. He probably thought highly of her as a person - which is probably why he is upset over breaking it off! OP - it sucks, that not every guy can be into you. But please know, that feelings are either there or "not". He could be with the most beautiful, awesome girl on the planet, who has everything he wants in a women! And yet - he may not feel enough emotions towards her to fall in love. ....Op, I can ASSUE you that, although he must have really liked you, that if he was going to fall IN LOVE with you, the type of love that makes a man want to be with you forever... ...If he were to have the level of feelings for you needed to marriage, he would KNOW by now. He just would know that your the only girl he could be intimate with. He would know he does not want to date other women, even casually. He would, in fact, still be liking you more every week. If my boyfriend had told me that he wanted to date other people, however casually it may be - I would run for the hills, personally. Take some time to process this. He is just not that into you, but it is down to basic chemistry and comes down to "feelings" you either do or don;t have towards a girl. Do not take it personally. There is nothing you can do to make a man who does not have enough feelings for you, fall in love with you. Something is just "missing" for him that is beyond your control - and he may date and end up falling in love with a women who is less pretty, less funny, and lesser educated and less fun to be around than you! Yet this girl may just make him "feel" a different way about her, than you were able to with him. Like said; do not take it personally, the fact he is just not into you! It sounds really bad, the fact a guy is not into you, but WILL be into the right women....
FailedFirstLove Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 if it hasn't been long I would walk away now while your still able to without so much pain! it's not a good sign at all if he just wants to try dating others. but I'm just broken and torn. Scared to death of getting hurt again.
Recommended Posts