charlietheginger Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 anyone over the age of 15 texting me if they want a relationship is a red flag to me... I'm an adult, I talk... if the woman can't do that, she's gone. drama queens are a red flag... smoking is a red flag... as is wanting a kiss on the first date, or sex within the month of seeing each other... actually, I have loads of red flags... hence why I know my current GF is very, very special!! lol So you only text 14yr olds? 1
NoMagicBullet Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My two cents: if he's not making plans to see you, just leaving things spontaneous and unplanned, he's not interested in dating/courting -- he's interested in sex. Nor is he asking you about yourself. Does he ever ask how you are doing, how you day has been, what happened with XYZ that you had mentioned earlier? If not, expect the self-absorbed trend to continue. He gives you attention, but doesn't plan dates or try to get to know you: only wants sex. Like others have said, do not have him over at your place (or go over to his place) unless you are planning on having sex. You can tell a guy all you want that you won't sleep with him until you get to know him better, but many guys will persist in trying to get you into bed, especially if you give mixed signals like inviting him to your place for a meal. I don't recommend having him over with friends, either -- because what's going to happen when the friends have to leave and he's still there? Do not assume anything about this guy and how you think he will act; you don't know him (yet). 1
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) Redflag , he has a penis and at somepoint wants to Thrust inside you so becarefull. Don't say you weren't warned he's a man, thus most prob had a penis... wouldn't be just as fun if he did not (have one or try to use it). that's not a red flag. a red flag is when all he wants to do is to use it. But that's an easy one, I can figure it out. I want to know stuff that are hard to figure out - like games, like offering emotional support and not getting involved only to have sex, like using to you see him, then becoming unavailable then popping back in your life again, only to have sex... stuff like that! Edited January 25, 2013 by candie13
Ladybugz Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 You can ignore it all now , but later when you get more deeply involved with him it will cost you more. And irritates you more. ANd him talking about "bed" already, could be him seeing you as a sex object. and noting else.
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 My two cents: if he's not making plans to see you, just leaving things spontaneous and unplanned, he's not interested in dating/courting -- he's interested in sex. Nor is he asking you about yourself. Does he ever ask how you are doing, how you day has been, what happened with XYZ that you had mentioned earlier? If not, expect the self-absorbed trend to continue. He gives you attention, but doesn't plan dates or try to get to know you: only wants sex. Do not assume anything about this guy and how you think he will act; you don't know him (yet). that's exactly what I fear - all summed up in one post. this may be true or I may be overpesimistic, one thing's for sure: I DON'T KNOW. at the beginning of the week, I've asked to plan our date a bit ahead as I was busy - so he knows this. He gave me in advance all his schedule - dinner with colleagues, afterwork activities, travel plan. His traveling got postponed because of meetings at work, a few times. All through this, he was keeping in touch - how was your day and also in the evening - where I was. A few ways of interpreting this: - he texts me because he wants to see me after his planned activities - option1: cute - he texts me because he has not friends and would rather see me to hang out - option 2 - okish - he texts me because it's late, he gets to see me and he might get to make me go over to his place for sex - option 3, douchebag Whatever, all these are possible and I am sure that the reality is a combination of the three. What I plan to do next is see how next week goes: I'll tell him I want to get to know him better and that I can't keep seeing him over my friends, meaning: let's plan our dates, time for just the 2 of us. Ideally, we won't be talking about regular stuff, but be opening up - emotionally and all that. He seems private, he is very good at talking about anything and everything, but I want to get to know him. if he is ok with getting to know me, we can have ourselves a nice little relationship. Otherwise, I am out, because I don't want to have a superficial relationship with a guy I don't know (I am not even mentioning sex here). I am trying to look at things from his perspective: gets a lot of pressure at work, people get fired, he just wants to have anything similar to a social life. From his perspective, he is keeping intouch, he tells me everything he does, unless he is lying, he does not have the time to see anyone else. Fair enough, on paper, he is playing it by the book, but I want a connection. Obviously, I am trying not to be absurd here. I plan to take it easy, no stress, no pressure, just a bit more of a formal dates and we'll take it from there... I'll tell him that and I will also cancel that dinner, hopefully he won't take it the wrong way.
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 You can ignore it all now , but later when you get more deeply involved with him it will cost you more. And irritates you more. ANd him talking about "bed" already, could be him seeing you as a sex object. and noting else. I am actively choosing not to ignore it. I have had a few failed relationships, sometimes I got involved, other times I did not and yes, I did have sex . I don't mind, I like having sex and I do believe you get to know a lot better the other person, after having sex. Some people leave, others stay, some for more sex, other for the intimacy, it's different every time. All this to say that I am not a prude, I don't mind knowing he wants to have sex with me, I don't mind if he hints at it, and if he is trying to create some uncertain situations, because that makes me feel desirable . Onthe other hand, ff that's all he is thinking of when it comes to me, then there's a problem. In the past, after my big relationship was over, I may have been a bit too relaxed, being spontaneous about sex and probably not looking careful enough at how my date really was / I was filling in a lot of the gaps myself. I have evolved, I have changed, I am more aware, now. It's not even about waiting - I am terrible at that, I totally lack patience - I just want to do whatever feels right to me, not because anyone is so irresistible, or talking me into it or because it's time or because it's what people do in relationships.
EasyHeart Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 In the beginning, I encourage men to talk about themselves because it's a gold mine of information. That is how you discover red flags. Him talking about himself now is a green flag. Start making lists of questions to ask without making it sound like an interrogation. Example: If you want to know why his last relationship ended, ask about his very first girlfriend. Then you can subtly move the topic to his most recent ones. See if there is a pattern or if he tells you how he learned from his mistakes,has changed his behavior, looks for a different type now, etc. You will also find out what you shouldn't say or do around him. Pretend you are a spy working for the CIA!Who do you think you are? The f-cking Gestapo???
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Who do you think you are? The f-cking Gestapo??? :):laugh:
Radu Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Women ... complicating a relationship with you one day at a time. He seems private, he is very good at talking about anything and everything, but I want to get to know him. if he is ok with getting to know me, we can have ourselves a nice little relationship. Otherwise, I am out, because I don't want to have a superficial relationship with a guy I don't know (I am not even mentioning sex here). You post that you don't like gameplaying, but you also posted a while back that you are not ready for marriage and want to continue to date. I have news for you, you are game playing. Not in a very horrible way, but it is game playing ... and seriously, the interrogation thing, let's hope i don't end up dating a girl like FC.
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Women ... complicating a relationship with you one day at a time. ahaha, that is soooo my quote, I know I think too much and tend to see them more complicated, but I mean well. And I am totally against games playing indeed, but still a girl: if too clingy, I will find that as a turn off, even if you're a nice guy. If too available, I might take you for granted... the usual psychological stuff. I don't remember ever saying that "I want to date" or that "I am not ready for marriage". I don't believe people ever are "ready", i think it's a matter of meeting the right person first and foremost. Then, a matter of circumstances - like finances, etc. I am reasonably pretty and like to flirt, but honestly, the dating scene is way too complicated for me for me to make an active decision of staying there. I want to get to know this guy. I would love to discover he is interested in me and not my body. I would love to spend more time with him, and yes, I am looking forward to being reassured on those things and have sex with him . I like relationships. And then, we'll see just how compatible we are, if he is a nice person, got good values, wants to progress in life and is good to his parents and friends. Do I want to marry him? Hell, no. Do I want to get married? I have no idea, maybe, one day. Am I ready for a serious thing with a guy? For sure. I just don't want to put it all out for the wrong guy, because I am a nice girl. I know for a fact that I get emotionally involved after becoming intimate with a guy and would hate to fall for a person who had no interest in me or is incompatible with me and my values. voila tout! Radu, what's FC?
Author candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I have news for you, you are game playing. Not in a very horrible way, but it is game playing ... game playing is done with a clear purpose or intent - e.g. seduce a guy or make him want to do stuff he doesn't really want. What would my purpose be, 'cause I sure as hell have no agenda
Author candie13 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 so, we've continued on the same pattern - keeping in touch, seeing eachother almost every other day, sometimes him joining me & my friends for a drink, last Friday for a late dinner, just the two of us. During dinner, he was a lot more open, I asked him about his gfs, about the first girl who really broke his heart, about why he ended his last relationship. He wasn't uncomfortable or on his guards when talking about it, which was nice. It was the first time we've had a more intimate conversation and something more similar to a real date, in both form and content . We had a few drinks after dinner and a great make out session, before dropping me home, lol. A few things that are still, somewhat strange: he is always in contact and willing to see me almost every day, if I want to and am free. Sometimes I am free, other times I am busy. I can feel he likes spending time with me, but I guess it takes a while to actually open up and get more involved emotionally. Basically, I feel there is a slight discrepancy between just how involved I feel he is (not that much, but he may hide it, as he is quite reserved) and how often he wants to see me (quite often). I am not too concerned, so far, I can feel he is really interested. My focus is to see that he is willing to make some efforts to plan the dates and to do things, not just meeting after work and hanging around (also I like that too). Obviously, I would also like to introduce him to my good friends, at some point, but for the moment, would like to keep our dates apart from my social life, to focus on knowing him better. I guess I just need to be more patient and take it easy - because I am really tempted to introduce him in my life, full speed ahead. I KNOW, bad idea, I KNOW!
Washingmachine1980 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 This guy is either self-absorbed or a player. No one who expresses real interest in a woman is going to be pushing aggressively for sex after three weeks. Also, he wants to meet for drinks because it's cheaper than dinner. The last minute stuff is a test to see if you will always be available when he calls. Once he has sex with you, he will start texting late at night for last minute booty call. Don't put out to this guy he is just a user. Otherwise, he would be asking you questions about yourself and taking you on real dates. Does he call you everyday or just text? Tell him your house is a real mess and that he can come over when you get it cleaned out in 6 months or so. 1
umirano Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 candie, who's usually setting up the dates? Is it balanced? I see that both of you take quite a bit of time for each other. From your accounts I see that you are very interested. I'd say he is too, otherwise he wouldn't be able to see you almost every other day. For how long is this dating back and forth going on now? I'd say if this continues for more than 2-3 weeks it's about more than just sex. Good luck!
Author candie13 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) He's always initiating contact first and he's always the one asking how I am and what I'm doing for the evening. Maybe just a technique, I agree, very convenient too. I almost always do things with my girls, so most of the times I am busy. I have invited him to join me only when I am out with friends (two out of five times, maybe). More recently, he is hinting for one to one time - as in drinks with "me", not me and my friends . Maybe it's silly, but now that we have a sort of routine - I am used to hear from him everyday, I am more comfortable to have him around too. It's never about money, because he's finishing work late and is always hungry - I would say we've had dinner in over 70% of the times we met and he was always a perfect gentleman. The only time when I paid for dinner was when he was away from the table, otherwise he wouldn't allow me to do it (and I can tell he loved that I've done it). We're just about to break the first month of dating. I do feel the attraction and could def go all the way, but I don't want to rush it. We have a nice thing going on, I want to keep it special, not a expected - like one month, people usually have sex. We've had a really nice first kiss, all spontaneous and unplanned - he grabbed me all of a sudden, in the middle of the street, that was fun. I may be too romantic, but I can feel there's a lot of emotion building in (maybe only the anticipation of the discovery, I've got no idea). I'd like to have a special first time, not a random drinking, dancing, clubbing & hooking up thing. I am ok with how things go, I just want to make sure he is ready to put a bit of effort into this relationship and not take me for granted. He is keeping a huge shield on, I can tell you that, but from time to time, when he lets me get closer, I can feel there's a really warm, nice person behind. Hopefully, he understood that I have a rich social life and he needs to plan ahead if he wants to see only me - don't want to be a bitch about it... Edited January 27, 2013 by candie13
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I would communicate what you want rather than expecting him to figure it out. While telling him that he can join you and your friends, or that you can't meet because you're busy, when he asks you out on a date without "sufficient" notice, might seem like an obvious way to get a guy to schedule and plan ahead, he might actually interpret that as limited interest in him and dating him. Always better to communicate clearly rather than use hints and innuendo to get what you want. Some people plan and schedule. Other people are spontaneous. Neither is inherently better or indicative of greater interest. They are just different styles. Overall, I think you are overthinking and overanalyzing EVERYTHING in a relentless search for flaws. You can drive anything into the ground by constantly nitpicking, interpreting everything in the worst possible light, and critiquing to death. Learn to go with the flow. Enjoy the journey rather than fret endlessly about the destination. Follow your intuition. You'll have more enjoyable relationships, and by heeding your gut instincts, avoid a lot of bad choices. Counterintuitive, but overthinking often causes us to ignore the obvious and discount our intuition. Relax a little! My impression is that he likes you. He's not just out to use you for sex and disappear. Don't visit the punishment for others' sins on him! Lose that baggage! Or at least put it in a storage closet somewhere. Don't dump it all over him.
Author candie13 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 my intuition got me into a LOT of trouble this summer, girl! it is positively NOT working when it comes to him. So I am scared of two things: - I miss being in a relationship. I want a relationship quite badly, but rationally, I know that I am not going to throw myself into one with the first comer; I am afraid my wishful thinking may make me irrationally hopeful when it comes to this - I am afraid of getting to know him and realizing that he is not the one. It'll be easier if he dismissed himself out - I am even more scared that he actually is a nice guy and won't like me. I can handle bastards. Those guys like me a lot. I even got the hang of kicking them out of my life. How about a nice guy? I am overanalysing and overthinking because I am **** scared and because my self esteem is not really at its best. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) Your intuition didn't get you in trouble. Your moist panties and raging hormones that encouraged you to drown out your intuition got you in trouble. Hormonal madness is not intuition. Quite the opposite. It's unfortunate that you are so uncomfortable with a good guy that you engage in self-sabotage. I hope you weren't serious about your comment regarding bastards. Most guys are good people. Yes? I hope it works out! Edited January 28, 2013 by Cutiepie1976 1
Author candie13 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I did seem to attract a few people, whom all, individually, are really complex, fascinating, attractive men. So complex and fascinating that they didn't really know what they wanted. That didn't make them bastards, as a generalization, just bastards to me, and only because I have put myself in that position, I agree. I think I'll take a bit my time, until the next date. Not thinking and not analyzing, something like a short vacation for my brain. A fresh perspective will help out. Thank you for your fair input, cutiepie!
Play Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 hi, guys I'm seeing a new guy for three weeks and I thought a thread on red flags would be GREAT at this point. We've just kissed , and that went well. Anyway, I am 32, he's 37, we're not exactly teenagers and I feel that there's a massive attraction between us (physically). He is texting me every day, sometimes asking what I'm doing, other times asking if I'm out... yesterday we texted during the day and around 22, same thing. I said I was looking forward to my bed, I was tired. He asked why not with him . I got out of it pretty nicely, but hum... ok, his duty to try. He also is talking a lot. About him, his job, his stuff. Not really asking stuff about me. I've noticed it and it is his trait of character. i am not particularly bothered, 'cause it gives me a break, but it's not really an exchange, if it's not a conversation... hum... I guess I am 100% in the testing period, i enjoy having him around, I enjoy his attention and yes, I look forward to seeing how things will evolve. Can you share some of your thoughts on red flags - or big red flags that you missed in your previous relationships? Honestly he may be the best guy in the world, or a disaster waiting to happen. You can't determine anything from what you've written. You just need to trust and hope things work out. Real "red flags" are different for everyone. i.e. he keeps in contact with his ex girlfriends he has a past ex of 7 years who he meets every Friday he has cheated in the past he has been to prison Those are past indicators of what he might do in the future. Unless he does something bad to you, i.e. has an argument over nothing, is rude to your friends...etc etc...then you can't see where potential red flags are. 1
Author candie13 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 great point, I've never asked if he cheated before. he is what some people might call "successful" and a few girls have tried a lot of things to get him - in bed, in a relationship or potentially marriage. his previous gf of three years really wanted to have a baby with him and he was not comfortable with that idea. his biggest fear was that she might "accidentally" get pregnant - apparently 4 of his mates in NY have had this sort of "accidents" happening to them. I was not the one who started this relationship, quite the contrary, he worked quite hard to get me out on a date, so I know that at least, he rests assure on that one. As it seems, I have a bit the "relationship anxiety" so I believe he's reassured that I am not dying to have his babies either, haha!
Author candie13 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 We got closer and I feel I've sort of lost the control of the situation . He is smart, very smart, he understood I like to plan my dates, ahead of time, so now he is giving me some of my own medicine: he asked me in advance what my plans were for the week and we decided a few days to see each other. In theory, it all goes exactly as I wanted to. In reality, I got used to seeing him more often . Ok, I don't mind the wait, especially since I have a very rich social life. And then we started making out. We are great at making out. Very good. Makes me want to see him more often - and I am sure he wants to, as well. At some point, we had this steaming make out session. Very good, impressive, I might say. The next day, he asked if I had plans for the second part of one evening - from 10 in the evening, onwards - he had an art event to attend. I said I wasn't comfortable with that arrangement - proper girl, proper date, proper time together... We did change a few texts during that day and in the end, after dinner, I sort of backed out, because I felt very very tempted to see him again. Luckily for me, I saw one of his texts too late and he was home already, by the time I told him to have a drink outside. But he is playing with my mind and loves it. I love it too . So I feel that because he knows I am into him (which I am, since we're slowly but surely approaching the sex territory), he is using that info to keep distance and make sure my interest increases. Not being just as available as he used to, making plans when I knew he was free... I don't mind at ALL, I like to play a little bit. I actually feel good, as there is no pressure to have sex. I like to be doing some tempting . Of course, I am also asking myself if I am not manipulated into me wanting to have sex with him, which is most likely true... but I want to play his game to understand his ulterior motives - is it after my panties that he's after or does he want me to get a stronger interest into him, into me wanting him - which is fair enough, I certainly want him to want me. Games apart, we've mutually decided we are both free on Sunday for a proper day date. He mentioned he wanted to be outside, to do some hiking, so I said sure, that sounds nice. I have way too much initiative, usually, so I will let him decide what he wants to do by himself - where he wants to go, what he wants to do... I'll see how this Sunday goes. I have planned the next two weekends out of the city and with my girlfriends and I don't know if I should be telling him this... I won't, to keep the mystery alive. If he asks, sure, I'll talk. If not, I'll keep my mouth shut .
Author candie13 Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 His basement got robbed last Sunday, right before coming to see me. He had lots of stuff that disappeared, so he was with the police and then arranging back all of his valuebles. Asked me to visit him, in the evening. He was supposed to cook - in the end, I did, he was still in shock and couldn't focus. We crossed the physical barrier bridge and I don't think it is just a physical thing. It looks good. I'll wait to see what he does for St. V...
meeji Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 He sounds too keen at this point. He should be busy with other aspects of life to be texting you all the time. Red flag! You'll soon lose attraction in him as he's making himself way to available. or.... He will make all the right moves in the beginning and shower you with adortaion, talk it up ;ike he is soooo dead serious about being with you and do whatever it takes to get you there. Once you there, he might be the one that suddenly loses interest. guys who come on super strong in the beginning can sometimes have a tendency to do that, I have learned. I hope he is just as excited about you as you are about him and you guys have a great time. Dont spook yourself.
Author candie13 Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 I'm relaxed, really. If he decided to leave, fine. If he decides to stay, even better, I think we're good. At this point, I am spending my weekend with my friend in Milan. I am not texting, he is not texting, but you know what? I am not worried or anxious. I got my own life, he's got his. He'll remember me in a day or so, I bet. No? well... to bad for him, what can I say. In the end, at some point, the "honeymoon" phase will be over, at some point, you will have sex, no matter how careful or slowly you're going. If he's in it only for the fun, for the excitement, for the chase, well, I hope he leaves fast, nothing I hate more than spending my time with the wrong guy. And don't worry, I've been cured from clinging - cured forever, I think. I'll never text a guy first if both my arms dry off and fall, ! I don't think he's that kind... we'll just have to wait and see, I guess
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