candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 hi, guys I'm seeing a new guy for three weeks and I thought a thread on red flags would be GREAT at this point. We've just kissed , and that went well. Anyway, I am 32, he's 37, we're not exactly teenagers and I feel that there's a massive attraction between us (physically). He is texting me every day, sometimes asking what I'm doing, other times asking if I'm out... yesterday we texted during the day and around 22, same thing. I said I was looking forward to my bed, I was tired. He asked why not with him . I got out of it pretty nicely, but hum... ok, his duty to try. He also is talking a lot. About him, his job, his stuff. Not really asking stuff about me. I've noticed it and it is his trait of character. i am not particularly bothered, 'cause it gives me a break, but it's not really an exchange, if it's not a conversation... hum... I guess I am 100% in the testing period, i enjoy having him around, I enjoy his attention and yes, I look forward to seeing how things will evolve. Can you share some of your thoughts on red flags - or big red flags that you missed in your previous relationships?
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 hi, guys I'm seeing a new guy for three weeks and I thought a thread on red flags would be GREAT at this point. We've just kissed , and that went well. Anyway, I am 32, he's 37, we're not exactly teenagers and I feel that there's a massive attraction between us (physically). He is texting me every day, sometimes asking what I'm doing, other times asking if I'm out... yesterday we texted during the day and around 22, same thing. I said I was looking forward to my bed, I was tired. He asked why not with him . I got out of it pretty nicely, but hum... ok, his duty to try. He also is talking a lot. About him, his job, his stuff. Not really asking stuff about me. I've noticed it and it is his trait of character. i am not particularly bothered, 'cause it gives me a break, but it's not really an exchange, if it's not a conversation... hum... I guess I am 100% in the testing period, i enjoy having him around, I enjoy his attention and yes, I look forward to seeing how things will evolve. Can you share some of your thoughts on red flags - or big red flags that you missed in your previous relationships? He sounds too keen at this point. He should be busy with other aspects of life to be texting you all the time. Red flag! You'll soon lose attraction in him as he's making himself way to available. 1
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 he's not making himself too available (I think). To tell you the truth, I love being in contact with him, I enjoy the attention and I especially enjoy the fact that he is not afraid to show me that he is interested in me. I love the fact that at least when it comes to texts and emails, there are no more games. obviously, we'll see how things go on the long term and especially after sex. I feel that he's ok, as a person, maybe a bit lonely, 'cause this place (I live in a 200.000 people city) can be quite tough when it comes to making friends. one of my fears might be that he seems to fit into my story and I seem to fit into his - we both enjoy being in relationships and it's been 2 years since I've been single and 1,6 for him. I just want to make sure that I like him, as a person, as a man and not get blinded by two things: - first: the physical part: he can be quite restraint, but actually, he is impulsive and rather hot blooded. - second: my desire to be in a relationship: I enjoy going out, but honestly, meeting guys, figuring guys out, deciding whom to date, whom not to date, seeing how they are, trying to read their game... I got tired of that! But then, I don't want to settle either
truth_seeker Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 This is a tough call. A) He really likes you. B) It's all a front just to get you in bed.
veggirl Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 People don't "miss" red flags. They see them and IGNORE them. I don't see any red flags in anything you posted. Early on, red flags are stuff like asks you on "dates" at his house, pressures you for sex, ignores attempts at contact, recent break up, hot & cold behavior. 1
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 This is a tough call. A) He really likes you. B) It's all a front just to get you in bed. I'm going with B based on what the OP shared.
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 well, honestly, guys, after the third date, I am not thinking it is standard, but people do have sex quite rapidly after that. Playing it by the book - waiting over a month or so - is not the standard - not in this town, anyway. Yes, he did try to imply that I cook for him a few times, last week, so I've sort of avoided it. I will cook for him next week, rest assure, but no naked time, you can bet all your money. Speaking of this, what do you consider a proper date? Dinner and a movie? Are unplanned drinks considered a proper date? I am just wondering, since the last 2 times we saw each other, it wasn't really planned - like "getting to know each other" time. But then, I am rather easy going and this might just play against me! hum, just realized it's been a lot of conveniences so far. I'll see how he plans it next, I'll play extra attention to that. Great technique, if he is doing that...
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Early on, red flags are stuff like asks you on "dates" at his house, pressures you for sex, ignores attempts at contact, recent break up, hot & cold behavior. I loved the hot&cold behavior, wish I knew that before!
FitChick Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 He also is talking a lot. About him, his job, his stuff. Not really asking stuff about me. I've noticed it and it is his trait of character. In the beginning, I encourage men to talk about themselves because it's a gold mine of information. That is how you discover red flags. Him talking about himself now is a green flag. Start making lists of questions to ask without making it sound like an interrogation. Example: If you want to know why his last relationship ended, ask about his very first girlfriend. Then you can subtly move the topic to his most recent ones. See if there is a pattern or if he tells you how he learned from his mistakes,has changed his behavior, looks for a different type now, etc. You will also find out what you shouldn't say or do around him. Pretend you are a spy working for the CIA! 5
veggirl Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 well, honestly, guys, after the third date, I am not thinking it is standard, but people do have sex quite rapidly after that. Playing it by the book - waiting over a month or so - is not the standard - not in this town, anyway. Yes, he did try to imply that I cook for him a few times, last week, so I've sort of avoided it. I will cook for him next week, rest assure, but no naked time, you can bet all your money. Speaking of this, what do you consider a proper date? Dinner and a movie? Are unplanned drinks considered a proper date? I am just wondering, since the last 2 times we saw each other, it wasn't really planned - like "getting to know each other" time. But then, I am rather easy going and this might just play against me! hum, just realized it's been a lot of conveniences so far. I'll see how he plans it next, I'll play extra attention to that. Great technique, if he is doing that... I don't think last minute drinks is necessarily bad. Now if that's the only time you get together then it is but if it's just part of other things you do as well then its fine. A real date doesn't necessarily mean dinner and drinks...my first few dates with my boyfriend were golf and coffee, a baseball game, rock climbing. Nothing romantic. If you have been on a few dates then I think unplanned is fine!! I think after the first week I randomly invited my now bf over for our 4th "date" which was swimming at my place. Sounds like you shouldn't sleep with him til exclusive though since you have these concerns. I would NOT invite him over for dinner unless you are okay with sex...
Yookie Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 No way you should be having house dates after 3 weeks if you really want to get to know him first before having sex.
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 In the beginning, I encourage men to talk about themselves because it's a gold mine of information. That is how you discover red flags. Him talking about himself now is a green flag. Start making lists of questions to ask without making it sound like an interrogation. Example: If you want to know why his last relationship ended, ask about his very first girlfriend. Then you can subtly move the topic to his most recent ones. See if there is a pattern or if he tells you how he learned from his mistakes,has changed his behavior, looks for a different type now, etc. You will also find out what you shouldn't say or do around him. Pretend you are a spy working for the CIA! that is soooo good, amazing ideas, thanks a LOT, girl! he talks about work or stuff that makes him look good and hardly ever about how his past relationships ended... smooth!
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 No way you should be having house dates after 3 weeks if you really want to get to know him first before having sex. cooking doesn't mean automatically sex!
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 hey, girls, crazy idea, what if I stop all this pressure and actually sit down and talk to him about this? I won't have sex with him now or next week, but I do want to get to know him better, if he lets me!!! Voila! in case he's not madly enthusiastic about this, at least I shall stop wasting my time
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 or maybe romance killer...? hum...
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 well, fine! you are right, probably "no sex in the near future" is not a very sexy thing to say. I'll just have to watch over my best interest and follow up on my intuitions! Which, thanks to all of you, say I may be onto something...
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 well, fine! you are right, probably "no sex in the near future" is not a very sexy thing to say. I'll just have to watch over my best interest and follow up on my intuitions! Which, thanks to all of you, say I may be onto something... Yeah, trust the intuition, its usually pretty accurate. Most here will say watch the actions and not so much his words. I'd say watch them both.Men aren't really that hard to figure out.
veggirl Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Okay girl if you invite a man over, he is going to think you are going to have sex with him. That is just how it goes and whether it is fair/right is beside the point. Do not invite him over if you don't want sex, he will leave with blue balls and a bitter taste in his mouth. Sorry but inviting him over and not having sex is a mixed signal. Just how it is. Keep your dates in public for now and if he brings up sex, tell him you don't have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. There ya go. Easy. Or, have sex with him if you feel like it. 2
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Okay girl if you invite a man over, he is going to think you are going to have sex with him. That is just how it goes and whether it is fair/right is beside the point. Do not invite him over if you don't want sex, he will leave with blue balls and a bitter taste in his mouth. Untrue, blue balls doesn't leave a bad taste in one's mouth.
veggirl Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Untrue, blue balls doesn't leave a bad taste in one's mouth. You're right. I guess it's taking care of blue balls that does
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 You're right. I guess it's taking care of blue balls that does Well played lady:) 1
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Okay girl if you invite a man over, he is going to think you are going to have sex with him. That is just how it goes and whether it is fair/right is beside the point. Do not invite him over if you don't want sex, he will leave with blue balls and a bitter taste in his mouth. Sorry but inviting him over and not having sex is a mixed signal. Just how it is. Keep your dates in public for now and if he brings up sex, tell him you don't have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. There ya go. Easy. Or, have sex with him if you feel like it. Fair enough. He came quickly and met my friend tonight - totally unplanned, I liked that. I think I start to understand how he works - he has a lot of free time and doesn't mind doing stuff spontaneously. I, on the other hand, have a lot of friends and like to plan things. And would like to plan spending time with him, like quality time where we do stuff together - like hike or ski or anything a bit more meaningful, not just stealing an hour over a glass of wine, after work. Not yet, anyway. As for sex... It's out of the question, I have no idea how I feel about him and most importantly, I don't know if I like him. I need to really like a man to do that. I don't mean physically, I mean as a person, I need to feel he is a good person. And good to me. I guess I need to have that talk with him. I won't even mention exclusivity for now, I am fine with just dating, as long as he allows me to get to know him. I will explain my view on sex as well - I guess I can always cook a larger dinner and have more people over the table. this way, no one's going to think anyone's having sex with anyone else !
FitChick Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Tell him you will cook for him (but not in the way he is expecting). Is there a public park with picnic tables or fire pits or barbecue pits? Cook something over an open fire. If there is no fire facility, then have a picnic in the snow. 3
charlietheginger Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Redflag , he has a penis and at somepoint wants to Thrust inside you so becarefull. Don't say you weren't warned
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