loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I'm asking this question out of curiosity, and being the OW am asking with complete respect. I am dealing with an xMM and his BS who were trying for a baby as early as 3 months post d-day....How many of you BS had major declarations of love after R such as baby-making or vowel renewal? And what were your honest reasons for doing it? I guess any OW that read this can answer too if they found themselves in a similar situation post d-day.
waterwoman Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 After a month or so of frustration, feeling like I was his default choice, I removed my wedding ring and told H I would wear a NEW one once she was out of his head. It took about 3 months - so 6 months after d-day and NC. I don't know that conceiving a baby is neccessarily a declaration of love, so much as a declaration of intent, ie 'we are in this marriage for the long haul'. But I reckon 3 months is a little early for that - let's hope the babe doesn't end up in a split family 2
thomasb Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I had never stopped loving my wife. Ever. We didn't want more children however since we both had children from previous relationships, five total, so I can't help you there. 2
beenburned Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 My H never stopped loving me and never wanted a divorce. He thought he could get some sex on the side and that I would not find out about it. 4
Author loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Can I ask a question off topic with all the respect? How do you know that they are trying to have children 3 months after dday? do you still have contact with MM? and last why would you care anymore? Really all this questions are not to insult or offend you... just pure curiosity! oh i'm not insulted or offended at all. and it is on topic. i knew through social media and mutual friends that they were trying and that was around 3 months post d-day. Still NC and it's been about 6months since d-day now. So for all I know she could be pregnant. (i've blocked them from all social media and no longer converse with our mutual friends since about 3 months ago) I guess I shouldn't care anymore. But I do. I think I care more about that situation (though it is none of my business) than I actually care about him as an individual. Sparing my personal opinion, I guess I am looking to see why a couple would do that. If it is "recommended" or a way to recommit themselves to one another.
thomasb Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 It certainly could be a 'bonding' thing between them. I know that after my wife decided to allow me back in to try and reconcile, we went through a time of reconnecting of souls and bodies that a person who has not experienced such couldn't even comprehend. Believe me there was a lot of DNA going around! 1
BrokenPrincess Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I am actually a fOW but my H does not know about the A. About 6wks post DDay, I felt a VERY strong urge to get pregnant, even though we were planning on waiting another couple years. I tried to keep my head straight & tell myself it was just an irrational reaction to trying to repair/solidify my family and M and to give me a huge new thing to focus on instead of the A and xMM. Of course, all terrible reasons to have a baby, so I forced myself to not even mention it to H and to continue deterring pregnancy. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I suspect it's connected to hysterical bonding (as thomas alluded). I don't know that my W and I would have planned a baby at 3 months as we were well past that stage in life but yeah, there was a lot of bonding going on at three months. Had our reconciliation not derailed and had we been at the age to be having babies, maybe. Still, at three months I was a trainwreck and can't imagine making that kind of life-altering decision, particularly one that might bring a child into a broken home. 1
seren Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 3 months from D Day I was still processing the A, hell, for 2 years or so I was still processing the A, even though it was over, there had been total NC and H told me and ended it. It was around the 3 year point I knew we had reconciled and allowed us to make plans for our future. Since, H arranged a renewal of vows which we made, just he and me. I didn't need for us to do that, but he wanted to do this as he said we had a new relationship and I agreed. So, 26 years after our first marriage we had a renewal. I think that to think about having a child while reconciling or just 3 months after D Day sounds like two people trying to glue a marriage together at all costs - better to work out if it's worth saving first. Only they know. 5
ladyinthemts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Well, like other said earlier, it could be forced bonding OR they happen to plan it that way anyway and don't want to stop on account...of the OW. You know? At three months, they should still be in counselling. But, like someone else said, there's really no knowing why they are doing it. On renewals - I think some couples feel compelled because their former vows (if they took them) were broken. Or, they never established limits or vows, so creating some helps their marriage. A betrayal can feel like a backdoor, forced divorce in the measure of pain, so some couples don't see it as "renewal" but "repair". Like, "I'm making a commitment to you again...don't **** up this time." But a baby can be too soon, if they are doing it for the wrong reasons. 2
Author loredo21 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 You're "dealing" with what? Please don't try to pick apart every little word or way I (and every other OW)phrase things...are you just here to find any way you can twist words around? I simply meant that is the situation I found myself in. That it is part of the process I am trying to wrap my head around. I know it's not my business, and I'm not "dealing with it" in a sense that I am still involved physically in the situation. Mentally/emotionally, yes. I'm dealing with the aftermath here. I was in fact part of this person's life at one point. But speaking in generalities I was seriously curious if that is the norm after a R. 1
SidLyon Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 ...That it is part of the process I am trying to wrap my head around. ...I'm dealing with the aftermath here. I was in fact part of this person's life at one point. But speaking in generalities I was seriously curious if that is the norm after a R. I think hysterical bonding (HB) is the norm after a d-day and I guess it must be difficult for an OW to "deal with" the knowledge that this is going on, especially if she has been made the usual MM promises and then been summarily "thrown under the bus". My guess is the idea of having a baby is an extension of normal HB. Fortunately many couples already have their children so having a baby doesn't factor into it, but I guess for some it does. It's not what I'd recommend in the circumstances. My advice would be to enjoy the HB but defer on the idea of a baby until life is more stable. 1
jnel921 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My H said he never stopped loving me through the couple of weeks he hurt me. I honestly found that hard to believe and still do. He said she was just sex. My H has always wanted us to have a child. but because our respective children are older and we are both in our mid 40s I am looking forward to my future without them. My H had unprotected sex with the OW. This of course upset me more than anything. Her BF at the time who was my H BF said perhaps he did that since he knew I wouldn't have his children and he tried to get her pregnant. My H denies this and says that in the heat of the moment he wasn't thinking and that is how it happened the two times he decided to lay down with this dog. in the end she wasn't and he of course was tested for STDs as was I. it's been tough as we are still together working on our marriage. He wants to renew our vows. I am sure it represents a new beginning. Our relationship is very different now. I believe he feels it is complete. I truly believe that OW and OM only fill a temporary void and are useful for only a few things in our spouses lives. I doubt my H saw a future with her. We have done so much together. The OW has nothing on me. Yes she slept with my man. But in the end it made him appreciate me more and made him realize want he wants with me is bigger and better than what it was. This is why there is a rebuilding of the marriage. An affair.... That is just a hot mess that you can't fix or build on. it's based on too many negative things.
justcantletgo Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She actually thinks BS are the only ones with feelings and are dealing of the aftermath when an A ended and the OWs are not suppose to feel anything and just disappear. Uhm, no lol. We're actually real life people who made bad choices in life and not just a bunch of usernames with no feelings. If we are so level-headed like you are, we wouldn't be here posting. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm asking this question out of curiosity, and being the OW am asking with complete respect. I am dealing with an xMM and his BS who were trying for a baby as early as 3 months post d-day....How many of you BS had major declarations of love after R such as baby-making or vowel renewal? And what were your honest reasons for doing it? I guess any OW that read this can answer too if they found themselves in a similar situation post d-day. About a month after D-Day my wife said in our MC session that she wanted us to renew our vows for our next anniversary. Our anniversary was 4 months away. I looked at her in disbelief and said "Are you 'fing kidding me?"! I applaud her commitment to R, but the timetable was way off. Apparently she thought I would okay with that within 4 months time. That was almost 5 years ago. I'm just now at a point where I am willing to attend a wedding. I'm still not ready to renew vows at this point. I'm still cynical when it comes to weddings, vows, and such. 2
SunshineToday Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 HAHA wow. Another foot in the mouth case here. I thought I've made it clear already that I WAS NEVER aware my xMM was married I kind of remember you posting that you exposed the A to his BS, right? And he told you at first that he was not married, so my question (and if you had a long distance or online thing--maybe these questions don't work) Did you ask him if he was married? Did he not give you a home number? Did you ask? Did he have you over to his house? Did he call you at all times of the day (not just during work or nights) and easily reachable anytime you called? Did he answer you back right away? Did you go out only at your house or in your town? I'm super curious as how in this day and age of computers/free searches/paid lookups/facebook/etc...how does a MM truly bluff the OW into thinking he is single? Or does she just accept his word and not want to dig because it's easier?
Summer Breeze Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I kind of remember you posting that you exposed the A to his BS, right? And he told you at first that he was not married, so my question (and if you had a long distance or online thing--maybe these questions don't work) Did you ask him if he was married? Did he not give you a home number? Did you ask? Did he have you over to his house? Did he call you at all times of the day (not just during work or nights) and easily reachable anytime you called? Did he answer you back right away? Did you go out only at your house or in your town? I'm super curious as how in this day and age of computers/free searches/paid lookups/facebook/etc...how does a MM truly bluff the OW into thinking he is single? Or does she just accept his word and not want to dig because it's easier? I obviously can't respond for the person you quoted but in my eyes it's no different to an unsuspecting W. You trust someone til there's a reason not to. Sometimes people turn blind eyes to the things they see and some honestly don't see it. My 2P anyway. 2
Journee Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I had already given birth to our youngest child by 3 months post DDay. I was six months pregnant when DDay hit. I wouldn't trade this baby girl for the world but can't imagine having any desire to conceive with H now (going on five months post DDay) Although I know her birth has impacted greatly. He has seen me and what he is facing losing with clarity. He is terrified while I am disgusted. Sad state of affairs(ha!) to bring a child into. It was the most stressful and worrisome pregnancy for me. Worrying about STDs and our unborn's already questionable health. I was miserable and did not get to enjoy carrying my daughter . That hurts the most. So no, I'm not sure why anyone would want to go through the depression, anxiety, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues and complete devastation that falling pregnant with a lying stranger. That's what my WS is to me now. A stranger....
waterwoman Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I had already given birth to our youngest child by 3 months post DDay. I was six months pregnant when DDay hit. I wouldn't trade this baby girl for the world but can't imagine having any desire to conceive with H now (going on five months post DDay) Although I know her birth has impacted greatly. He has seen me and what he is facing losing with clarity. He is terrified while I am disgusted. Sad state of affairs(ha!) to bring a child into. It was the most stressful and worrisome pregnancy for me. Worrying about STDs and our unborn's already questionable health. I was miserable and did not get to enjoy carrying my daughter . That hurts the most. So no, I'm not sure why anyone would want to go through the depression, anxiety, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues and complete devastation that falling pregnant with a lying stranger. That's what my WS is to me now. A stranger.... Journee, have you considered that you might have PND? Tell me to mind my own business if you like but it wouldn't surprise me at all in the circumstances? X
Journee Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Journee, have you considered that you might have PND? Tell me to mind my own business if you like but it wouldn't surprise me at all in the circumstances? X WW, I have no doubt that I have PPD. I have struggled with depression since I was a young teen. I am lucky that my children keep my head from spinning like a top. My sadness and hopelessness centers directly on the state of my M. Hormones have thrown me for a loop for sure. I am trying to get through this as naturally as since I am feeding my baby the old fashioned way Thank you
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