westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 The story. My GF broke up with me a week before Christmas (together 9 months). She broke up with me because we were fighting too much. The fighting was mostly instigated by me – all little fights stemming from anxiety issues (I’m currently working on these through medication and counselling). These anxiety issues have caused the demise of relationships in the past and I thought I had it in check. Instead of doing what my gut told me to do (begging, fighting, etc), I told her that I respected her decision. I said that I would to work on this and she said that she can’t (or won’t). Then I said to pack up my stuff and I’ll get it the next day. Well the next day she was really busy and we couldn't meet up – so I asked her to let me know when she is available. Then I cut all contact with her. In the weeks after, the only contact we had was on Christmas Day when she said “Merry Christmas” and on news years day when I said “Happy New Year”. In the past 10 days she has been contacting me almost daily. Sometimes to ask “Whats up” or “what are your plans tonight?” and sometimes just to chat about whatever. Weekend past she messages me to tell me that she is at a restaurant with her family. She is surprised that I’m not there. She chose to eat at my “watering hole” and I’m usually there every Friday night – except for this one (trying to run into me?). I am not sure of my next move? Should I wait until she asks again “what are your plans tonight” and then reply with “going for coffee with you!” or should I just ask. Or should I walk away? I don’t know if she is just throwing me breadcrumbs or if she doesn't know where her head is at…. Yep. I know. Why spend so much effort on someone who could suddenly walk away - and who couldn't break up with me face to face. Thoughts? Maybe i just needed to vent.
will1988 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 there was a reason you all broke up, and that reason was your anxity issues. It hasn't been long enough for you to have truly changed. Therefore, if you do go back to her, eventually the fights will start again and eventually the relationship will end, again. So I think you should save your self future heartache and try to move on. However, if you are really serious about seeing her (which I do not think is a great idea) wait for her to ask you out. Good luck!
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Just be careful. There's a good chance she my be trying to get you into the "friend zone". Let's face it, she dumped you and you handled it with a lot of dignity. That may have been making her feel guilty because, afterall, she's the one that hurt you. The texts of, "So, whatcha doing tonight?" may be to gage if your "okay" and moving on with your life. She needs to figure out if your going to be fine because she knows that she caused you to hurt. She needs to know that you're okay and that you don't hate her because she dumped you. I could be wrong. But, I would be wrong not to point out this possibility to you. I don't want you to get filled with a lot of false hope.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Chi Town, I think you're right. My ex sent me the same "hope you're ok, how are things?" type mssg, and I assume that he was just making sure I was ok and that I didn't hate him too much / he didn't hurt me too much. Just to alleviate his guilt. So what happens when we don't reply? I wonder what they feel like when we don't reply, when their intention as to assuage their guilt? Do they feel bad/guilty, etc.? I wouldn't hold my breath on that... but I sure hope that my ex feels like he's the crappiest person ever, for the way he treated me after I gave him my all.
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Yeah - it's impossible to say. The style of conversation that we are having now is the same as before we starting going out. I would like my stuff back (some expensive and irreplaceable). I have no idea how to approach this. I feel like I should go NC again.
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 To add - should I start some conversations? Or just wait for her? Or just go away? She was (seemed?) 100% into the relationship until the last moment. It was shocking. We have been friends for about 17 years already. So is the friend zone that bad? Could the friend zone lead back into a relationship? It is stupid to think that seeing me is a good thing?
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Chi Town, I think you're right. My ex sent me the same "hope you're ok, how are things?" type mssg, and I assume that he was just making sure I was ok and that I didn't hate him too much / he didn't hurt me too much. Just to alleviate his guilt. So what happens when we don't reply? I wonder what they feel like when we don't reply, when their intention as to assuage their guilt? Do they feel bad/guilty, etc.? I wouldn't hold my breath on that... but I sure hope that my ex feels like he's the crappiest person ever, for the way he treated me after I gave him my all. If you read on the threads, A lot of people get dumped in a very cruel and horrible fashion. Whether it be because of cheating or influenced by others or because they are made to feel that the demise of the relationship was entirely their fault. If a relationship ended peacefully with no hard feelings, a lot of those people wouldn't post here. So, sooner or later, the dumper feels a sense of guilt after a while. Even though they don't want to get back with you, they start to remember all the good things about the relationship and start to realize that you weren't such a bad guy or gal after all and they start to feel guilty on how they treated you at the end and they start to reach out to you. To see where your head is at. To gage how badly the hurt you and to see if you're okay with everything and to make sure you don't actually hate them. So, what happens when we don't reply? A number of things but most importantly, we give them nothing. They don't know how we're doing, they don't know how we're feeling. They don't know what we feel towards them. They don't know if we truely hate them or if we're indifferent towards them. We give them exactlly what they asked from us. Nothing...they don't want us by their own choice. So, some may say that we're being cruel or childish, but lets be honest. We're trying to heal and move on from a relationship where we were no long wanted or needed. If they feel guilty, well, they can hold on to that guilt and maybe they'll learn from it. That they shouldn't treat people the way they treated us. So, in a weird way, we're helping them. teaching them that people need to be treated with a little respect and with a little dignity. 2
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Should i go away? Or keep the conversation going? Isn't conversation good? Meet up? Get a haircut? Hangout? Or shag it all.
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Cav's on the button. She's feeling guilty and she would want nothing more than to get you in the friend zone. She's dying to say to herself, "Oh look! We're broken up and we're still really good friends. I guess the break up was for the best after all!"
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) Awesome! Well... not really. Isn't a good friendship the basis of a good relationship? I considered her my best friend. So, hows the best way to get my stuff back? Get a friend to do it? Should i take her off facebook? Edited January 24, 2013 by westcoastguy
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Awesome! Well... not really. Isn't a good friendship the basis of a good relationship? I considered her my best friend. So, hows the best way to get my stuff back? Get a friend to do it? Should i take her off facebook? Yes and Yes. NC is a tool to help you heal and move on. It isn't a punishment to our Ex's (even if they think that it is). NC doesn't mean that you can't talk to this person ever again or never be friends with her again. You just can't have any contact with her right now while you still have romantic feelings for her. If you can get to a point when you think about her and all you feel is indifferent towards her, then you can try to have a friendship with her. But, not a moment before that.
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I'm guessing the chances of reconciliation are usually slim to none? Can't blame myself for wanting that? I know that i screwed up big time, and if i hadn't we would still be together... (sorry beating a dead horse... having a bad day)
CaliBabe Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 It seems like you already have your mind made up that you would like to see her, you just want someone here to say "go for it" so you seem validated in going. Everyone here is giving you their advice. It seems too soon and/or your being friend zoned. If you are okay with that and willling to risk your progress, then thats your alternative.
Author westcoastguy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 It seems like you already have your mind made up that you would like to see her, you just want someone here to say "go for it" so you seem validated in going. Everyone here is giving you their advice. It seems too soon and/or your being friend zoned. If you are okay with that and willling to risk your progress, then thats your alternative. It does yes. I'm trying to be rational. If you don't try, how will you know. I think i've read too many of those reconciliation books (text your ex!) and now im thinking there is a chance. I just don't want to walk away if saying/doing something could "fix" it....
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Those reconciliation books suck and you got ripped off. Let face it. SHe ended it with you. But the thing those book DON'T tell you, is when our Ex's leave it's because they're ready to do so. They've already made the decision to leave LONG before they actually left. They already mourned the loss of the relationship before they actually left. That's why we are always blindsided on how quickly they move on. It's because they are so far along in the healing process than we are. Point is, once are Ex's are set to leave the relationship and they pull the trigger, they've already left and there's really not much you can do to change their minds. However, what are Ex's never factor in is our ability to go NC on them. They've healed enough that they don't want a relationship with us, but they can see a friendship where we can't. So, NC blows their minds, but they don't understand.
CaliBabe Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I hear you and I understand, just be sure she is doing and wanting as much as you are. It does yes. I'm trying to be rational. If you don't try, how will you know. I think i've read too many of those reconciliation books (text your ex!) and now im thinking there is a chance. I just don't want to walk away if saying/doing something could "fix" it....
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