bhsunny21 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend on and off for a year. It has been a rough year, riddled with break ups and reconcilliations....all on his part. I'll give a little history... He is 12 years my senior and has had a lot of bad relationships in his life. He says he is bipoloar, but he has never gotten professionally diagnosed. He is a heavy drinker of mainly beer, but likes liquor when he can afford it. He is very unhappy with his current financial situation, for he was laid off from his good paying job just before we met and has not been able to find lucrative work since. Needless to say, I am the main stability in the relationship with a good job, decent salary and a decent dating history and family/friends. When my boyfriend drinks heavily, he turns on me for no reason. He calls me names, tells me he hates me, and has even tried to choke me and throw me to the ground. I have always known it was because of the alcohol and not really "him", if you know what I mean. He would get mad at himself, pack up his things and leave for a day or two. Then he would come back and I would accept him. It has been the cycle for the past twelve months, which has been exhausting, and I knew I would not be able to continue if he kept it up. In the past couple of months, things actually started looking up, for these outbursts didn't really happen. I thought, "Finally! We are normal!" So this past weekend, the weekend of our one year anniversary, we go out to a local hang out with his sister. He proceeds to get very drunk and decides that he is "through with me" and tells me that I am not worth being with and he is moving back to his home state. He said he was moving out that night and that he was going to be flying back the next day. My boyfriend actually had been talking to a guy in the bar and told him that he should date me since he was through with me and that I was good for someone else. I was obviously upset and my boyfriend's sister was consoling me. The guy my boyfriend "pimped" me out to, for lack of a better word, came to talk with me and was worried about me, stating that I didn't deserve that. We talked a while and he invited me to go for a couple of drinks to talk. I wasn't going to, until my boyfriend (actually, at this point, ex boyfriend) overheard and told me to go because he was tired of looking at me. I talked to the sister who also said I should go and try to cheer up and to forget about her brother who was a jerk. So I go. Needless to say, I drank too much and sorta blacked out at this guy's house after we had gone to another bar and had some drinks. This guy was a complete gentleman, from what I remember. I know, I know, going to this guy's home was not a resonsible thing for me to do, and not something I have ever done before. I get taken back to my car in the morning and go home after seeing several texts from my (ex)boyfriend stating he hated me and that I ruined us. So, he is still at home when I get there, after he said he was going to be moving out and going to his home state that day. He asked me where I had been and I told him that guy's house. He asked me if I fooled around with him and I told him no. Okay, I lied. I know something happened...just not sure how much. I just didn't want my boyfriend to lose his temper and do something drastic like he has in the past. He said he believes me and apologized for what he did to me the night before and begged for forgiveness. Well, two days later, he wants to end things because he doesn't believe that nothing happened. I am still afraid of him to tell him what I know, because of his temper and such. I know everyone is probably wondering why I stay with him, and it is hard to say why. I do love him...dearly and with all my heart. Whatever happened this weekend meant nothing to me. I was just hurt and feeling very insecure and there was a guy telling me the exact opposite of what my boyfriend was telling not only me but the WHOLE BAR. My boyfriend said this morning that he wants to try to work things out, but is not sure if he will ever be able to trust me because he has been cheated on so many times before. I feel like I should just keep what happened to myself, since, in all actuality, he had dumped me. I am not trying to rationalize my actions, per say. I don't think that what I did was right in the least. I should have just taken a cab home and been done with it. But I can't change what happened. I am not sure how to proceed with this. To all who are still reading, I would love some insight. I would appreciate that no one tell me what a terrible person I am, for I know I am already. I hate lying and I have become a liar...and have prayed for forgiveness a million times. Is there any instance where it may be alright? Thanks, everyone. Again, sorry so long.
Author bhsunny21 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 There was no reason to be sarcastic. I was honest that I think what I did was wrong. Thanks for the input, nonetheless.
baRx Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) It's not exactly sarcasm coming from the poster above me. The truth of the matter is, your boyfriend has some serious issues that need to be worked out, and a healthy relationship at this stage is utterly impossible. The guy drinks and gets crazy. Until he can work out what his issues are, it's going to keep happening. I had an ex who treated me very poorly. She played games with me, lied to me constantly, put me on her back burner, and overall just didn't care about me. After going through all that pain, I began drinking more, and I'd get angry at her, too. Although I wouldn't go crazy, I'd write her emails telling her I wanted nothing to do with her anymore, I wanted her out of my life, I couldn't deal with what was going on. She thinks she did nothing wrong and it was just "my alcoholic psychotic ways" -- but in reality, I was drinking more to dull the pain and the realization that the person I thought I was "in love with" turned out to be someone way different. I wasn't psychotic at all. I was depressed, angry, upset, and turned to drinking to solve the problem. Drinking was the only way I gained the balls to tell her how I really felt. Once I finally got her out of my life, (after 3 painful years) I was able to become "normal" again. I can now drink safely and haven't gotten upset over anything in the last 10 months. I've literally been happier than I've been in years... even when I think about all the sh-t I went through with her, it doesn't bother me anymore. When I had her in my life, EVERYTHING upset me. Now? Nothing. Point is, he needs to get away from this and work out his own issues before he becomes a normal person. I also understand why you did what you did, and at the very least - you know it wasn't right, but you still kind of "cheated". You can get technical and say "well we were broken up" - but for what? an hour? That appears to be usual routine between you two, so yeah... I'd count it as cheating as well. Do both of you a favor and get out of this relationship for good. How in the world you can love someone like this is unbelievable. How he can treat someone like that is even worse. "He calls me names, tells me he hates me, and has even tried to choke me and throw me to the ground" That would have been it for me. I would have been out the door so fast. You too, have your own issues. Like I said, I understand it. I really do, but you should have just gone home and been done with it, like you said. The fact that you didn't, and you went with this guy and fooled around is a problem. It's something you need to dig deep into and find out why you did it, other than just "well my bf was an ass." Re-read your original post. Does this look like a happy, loving relationship? (and does it look like it could EVER be?) Or does this look like something toxic that needs to be ended for good? Think about it. Edited January 24, 2013 by baRx 2
curlygirl40 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 You need to do some major research on the internet about bipolar, and/or read some books. I have a neighbor who is now divorcing her bipolar husband after almost 30 years and I can't say all people with bipolar are the same (they aren't) but it's a very similar cycle that you are going through. What strikes me in your story is how he is now making this 'break up' about you. You did something wrong so therefore, you ruined the relationship. BS!! He's turning it on you and making you feel bad. You both are self destructive, but your relationship is doomed. Do yourself a favor and really look into Bipolar and look at your ex's actions and realize that this is the life you will be living with him until you decide you can't do it anymore. Those bouts of 'normal' are just a phase and it will ALWAYS go back to chaos. Until he gets help for his mental illness, until he gets the medication he probably needs, until he comes to terms with his illness, until he stops drinking, this will be your life. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this the way you imagined your life when you were a little girl? Close your eyes and imagine the kind of partner you want to go through life with. Imagine how it will be, imagine the kind of person he is. Kind, even tempered, a partner, someone to laugh with, someone who loves you, a true friend. Think about all of the things you want out of a person who should be your partner for life. Now open your eyes and realize what kind of life you're living. This simply cannot be what you want for your life. You can't help him if he won't help himself. And now you've acted in such a way that he has a 'reason' to turn this all on you. You'll feel bad, you'll be so glad that he took you back. BS. Get out now while you still can. Before you marry and have children. He needs help. I know it's hard to hear. Best of luck
SmileFace Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Do you really see this going anywhere? All this within the first year of a relationship? Reread your post ... what would you tell yourself?
KraftDinner Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 If you did something wrong, it's because your boyfriend pushed you and pushed you and pushed you...humiliated you in front of an entire bar, belittled you, insulted you. This after a year of physical, mental and emotional abuse. Honey, what you feel for him is NOT love. It's codependency, to an extreme degree. You need therapy to help you figure out why you put up with this. So stop going on about how awful you are. Your boyfriend is a horrible partner. When you say it's not him, it's the alcohol making him do this stuff to you...well, who makes him drink? The alcohol IS him. He's an alcoholic. Stop separating him and the booze in your head. They are the same person. Stop beating yourself up. STOP. And for the love of God, stop letting others beat you up. You must realize that your boyfriend is abusive. Stop blaming yourself. And realize you should get away from your boyfriend.
KraftDinner Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Oh, and you can't just blame this on "bipolar" either.
TheGuard13 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I second the idea of counseling. For one thing, this kind of a relationship can create and leave some lasting issues that you will need to be prepared to deal with, and for another, you may well need a counselor to help you figure out how to get out of the situation, as a lot of people would have already left it. But then, a lot of people stay in situations like this, too. It's not easy.
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