egalew Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I have a question for the BSs. After discovering your spouses affair did you realize that she or he lied about lots of things throughout your marriage? Or, did you know all along that your spouse was a chronic liar, someone comfortable lying? I am not trying to the pot, but gather some understanding. In the aftermath of my affair, I now see that the exMM was a chronic, habitual liar, someone who easily exaggerated and made things up. Despite his grandfatherly, nice guy image, this was second nature to him. He was with the wife 16 years, so in retrospect she must have caught him in some lies, I assume. More to the point,I realize that anyone who would / could carry on an affair, has to be comfortable lying and deceit. 1
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I have a question for the BSs. After discovering your spouses affair did you realize that she or he lied about lots of things throughout your marriage? Or, did you know all along that your spouse was a chronic liar, someone comfortable lying? I am not trying to the pot, but gather some understanding. In the aftermath of my affair, I now see that the exMM was a chronic, habitual liar, someone who easily exaggerated and made things up. Despite his grandfatherly, nice guy image, this was second nature to him. He was with the wife 16 years, so in retrospect she must have caught him in some lies, I assume. More to the point,I realize that anyone who would / could carry on an affair, has to be comfortable lying and deceit. No. He was not a liar. It's what made the lies during the affair easily accepted by me. He had no history of lying. At all. 3
waterwoman Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 H isn't a liar. He never was before the A and I don't think he is now. Even during the affair he only lied to me by omission. And was very uncomfortable with that. He tells me that there were times when he wanted to share something she had said or done with me - and then realised that he couldn't. He was releived on d-day because he could stop lying. After the A he was brutally honest with me - it hurt. He didnt lie to her during the A either - he told her he wasn't leaving me and he still loved me very much. Mind you, all the above is dependent on whether or not he is lying.... LOL. Bit of a conundrum there.... However based on my 30 years of knowledge of him, no, I don't think he is lying now. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 No. He was not a liar. It's what made the lies during the affair easily accepted by me. He had no history of lying. At all. I have to say the same thing. I'm not sure I ever saw my wife lie about anything to anyone until the affair. Hmm. Hadn't ever really thought about that before. I mean seriously, other than not telling the kids about Santa or the tooth fairy, I can't think of one lie.
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Outright lying? I don't think so. Omitting? Avoiding? Yes, definitely. there were more than a few times I asked, why didn't you tell me ( fill in the blank). And the response was, I didn't want to upset you. Or the assumption that it was his issue to fix, not our issue. Big red flag in retrospect.
ComingInHot Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 In my case, my fWH was Not a liar Before the A. He was a-lot of other things but not a liar. During his A, everything out of his mouth pretty much was a lie. I have to work late. Since "You" didn't do _____ (insert whatever), I have to "go and do it". Of course I'm working alone. And the ONE time I did ask him if he was cheating, "No, I Would Never Do That! I Could Never Do That! You are Crazy!!" When the A was outed (after it had been over some time), he continued to "Omit" things (which to me is another form of deception) and change his answers to me. Finally, when He accepted responsibility for the A and it hit home how much pain and damage he had inflicted on me and our children (even though they didn't know), he stopped omitting and lying and humbly began being honest with himself and me. The lying made him angry the anger was taken out on me. It was awful! Now, I don't "police" him anymore because frankly, I am just too tired and couldn't control him anyway. I'm Not stupid or naïve and if I have a question, I DO check but only to not be blind-sided. Cool thing is that I haven't even felt the need lately because he is a completely Open book* It's SO nice to be in this place. There was a time where I thought I would never trust him again and that almost ended us, but now well let me just say, It is so much more fun falling in-love a Second Time!!** 3
beenburned Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Like the other posters, my H was completely different before he cheated. He was honest and confided in me about everything. During the time period that he was cheating, he lied, omitted, and gaslighted me until I felt crazy. I saw many daily changes in him and his habits, but when I questioned him, I was always told I was crazy! Not long after d-day, I gradually saw him return to normal. And he has never returned to that dark place he was in when he was cheating. 3
thomasb Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Nope not me. I was raised by a former marine drill corps instructor who did two tours in Nam. He instilled honor and integrity in me from day one. Perhaps that is why the affair sickened me to the point of confession. He also had a few choice words for me at the time it was exposed to him. He also informed me what the future relationship with him and my mother would be like if I brought a woman who did that home to meet them! 5
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Nope not me. I was raised by a former marine drill corps instructor who did two tours in Nam. He instilled honor and integrity in me from day one. Perhaps that is why the affair sickened me to the point of confession. He also had a few choice words for me at the time it was exposed to him. He also informed me what the future relationship with him and my mother would be like if I brought a woman who did that home to meet them! You were raised by honorable parents! My FIL is a serial cheater and my MIL swept everything under the rug. They actually said to my WH, "whatever makes you happy". I am more like your parents. When my children have a SO, I will sit down with them and tell them that I personally will beat their butts if they are EVER unfaithful. 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 It's funny that you raise this question, egalew, because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Specifically, whether I missed signs that he was capable of being such a liar, or did he just change. I think that it's a little of both. I can't say that he outright lied a lot before the affair, but he definitely showed signs of dishonesty. For instance, if my kids do something bad and lie about it, I will punish them twice as much for the lie as for the original infraction. He, on the other hand, thinks that the lying is no big deal because "all kids lie". Also, he encourages our kids to take "shortcuts" (aka, "cheating") on their homework just to "get it done". These issues have always been a major source of disagreement between us on raising our kids. Even though I did not really see him lying outright before the affair, he can't seem to stop lying after d-day -- not just about the affair, but about a lot of issues. Even a couple of our kids have commented on it. The continued lying is ultimately the reason that I am divorcing him. I could have reconciled (or at least tried) with a remorseful cheater, but I can't reconcile with an unremorseful liar. 3
Author egalew Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye, I now see that my exMM lies about EVERYTHING and that it is very second nature to him. Given this, I often wonder what the the "lie" or the clue that got his wife's attention and made her realize he's having an affair. And did she know what a liar he was all these years.
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye, I now see that my exMM lies about EVERYTHING and that it is very second nature to him. Given this, I often wonder what the the "lie" or the clue that got his wife's attention and made her realize he's having an affair. And did she know what a liar he was all these years. Do you know if he lies to her? Or just you? I don't mean that to be insensitive - I just wondered if you knew for sure it was to his wife and others, too? My spouse only ever lied to me about affair related things. In the end- although his OW thought she was getting the whole truth- she had far more lies told to her. Although she wasn't gaslighted. So there is a difference.
Author egalew Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Dec -- Good point. He had to lie a lot to maintain the relationship with me. But, as for lying to her about things..... sure. I do know this: my ex has a text book example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So, he was compulsive with his exaggerations, which I overheard him tell other people. And, many of the things he lied to me about where just unnecessary: the cost/value of their house, owning joint property, the wife's job/income, where his son lived, etc..... When he met the second wife, he had just lost his business and she, more or less, rescued him, which in and of itself is a story. Thus, I am sure he spinned it to her. 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye, I now see that my exMM lies about EVERYTHING and that it is very second nature to him. Given this, I often wonder what the the "lie" or the clue that got his wife's attention and made her realize he's having an affair. And did she know what a liar he was all these years. Hard to say. For me, there was no lie that got my attention. I discovered it quite innocently. The important thing, egalew, is that YOU know what a liar he is. Be done with him any thoughts of his life.
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Dec -- Good point. He had to lie a lot to maintain the relationship with me. But, as for lying to her about things..... sure. I do know this: my ex has a text book example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So, he was compulsive with his exaggerations, which I overheard him tell other people. And, many of the things he lied to me about where just unnecessary: the cost/value of their house, owning joint property, the wife's job/income, where his son lived, etc..... When he met the second wife, he had just lost his business and she, more or less, rescued him, which in and of itself is a story. Thus, I am sure he spinned it to her. Ah. So a definite pattern. I understand now. Yeah. That's a mess.
NotCamelot Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Other than the little white lies we all have to use.....hidning info about parties, gifts, surprises, etc., I never once found that my W lied about anything. In fact, she made mention quite often about other people: "I can't stand a liar!" "There is never a reason for anyone to lie." "I hate liars." "Don't ever lie to me." Then she blatantly did it. Quite often for 6 weeks. Quite elaborate lies even enlisting a nieghbor's help to pull one off. Of course I detest the neighbor now. So, No........never before, and I have not discovered any recently. Let's hope it stays that way.
Act Two Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Can I quote an article here? I just read this last night, from Psychology Today by Shirley Glass and speaks to the WS' lies/lying. "Q: The deception makes a tremendous psychological difference to the betrayed spouse. What about to the person who constructed the deception? Dr. G. Once the affair’s been discovered, the involved partner could have a sense of relief, if they hate lying and don’t see themself as having that kind of moral character. They’ll say, “I can’t understand how I could have done a thing like this, this is not the kind of person I am.” Some people thrive on the game. For them, part of the passion and excitement of an affair is the lying and getting away with something forbidden. Often, since childhood, they’ve had a whole history of sneaking around. In the marriage, one partner may be fairly parental and judgmental while the other avoids conflict by not being open about things. The affair is an extension of a preexisting pattern. There are some people who have characterological problems, and the affair may be a symptom of that. Such people lie on their taxes and about their accomplishments; they are fraudulent in business. When it’s characterological, I don’t know any way to rebuild trust; no one can ever be on sure footing with that person." I like words and I never heard the word characterological before- I guess it means habitual lying or lying as a general part of someone's character. I will say this though from my own experience- I always was an honest person- never once cheated on a test or even a homework assignment or lied to a boss. If I didn't get charged at a store for something I would go back and pay for it. Lying really wasn't a part of who I was. Until I cheated. Then, I had to lie all of the time just to keep up that life, and it does get a little easier on the conscience the more you do it. The split self/double life really tore me up and made me miserable (and everyone else) in the end.
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