Why new-age relationships don't last!

[Sunshine87]

This post is inspired by some of the comments I read in response to the thread "she said I have all the traits she wants but something is missing".

 

Some of the posters made some informative commments about the role that euphoria plays in relationships, and the inability for people to "force" feelings of love. I think however, that perception of relationships, the idea that love cannot exist or better put, be sustained without feelings of warmth, euphoria and butterflies is precisely what is wrong with relationships of today.

 

Now, I understand that at the initial dating stages, there must be an acceptable level of attraction. There must be passion, warmth, euphoria etc. You cannot force these feelings because they are either there or not. I agree. (Although there are some exceptions. For eg I didn't quite feel for my first boyfriend. But with time, I grew into him).

 

What I do not agree with however, is this notion that relationships or marraiges must end/cannot be sustained or happy once the aforementioned feelings begin to depreciate. Is it really possible to be a constant high? To re-live the honey moon stage of a relationship for ever? How realistic is this? Isn't this the reason why a lot of people give up on good relationships and move on to another, only to discover after a few years/challenges, that they've "lost" their feelings for their partner. This pretty much creates a cycle of broken relationships.

 

What ei think people need to start to appreciate a more mature understanding of love. I reckon that if you speak to elderly people who have been married for 30yrs plus, the discussions would give an insight into the realities that come with sustaining a long term relationship. Love is not a constant feeling. It evolves. It could start out as "lust or infatuation"- characterised by feelings of excitement, warmth, butterflies etc, but then gradually evolves into more stable feelings of friendship, compatibility, loyalty etc. Some people might find this stage boring but it is an inevitable aspect of a long term relationship. Relationships will hardly stand the test of time if people do not adjust or reform their approaches to relationships.

 

To sum up: I found this somewhere:There are differences with mature love vs infatuation. Infatuation is an intense, seductive and all consuming effect on the body and emotions. The physical attraction is passionate and feels like you are together as one. When you are infatuated with someone it is hard to concentrate on anything. Real love is a mature love. There is no urgency and there is no overwhelming feeling of intensity as with infatuation. It is like friendship that grows and deepens as your relationship meets the realities of the days and weeks of your lives. Mature love is all about trust and there is a general understanding about each partner's role and feelings of value.

Edited January 24, 2013 by Sunshine87

[todreaminblue]

I think real love can grow from attraction as real love can grow from friendship, it depends on the personality of the person in question and what they are feeling....feelings of euphoria do not diminish the loyal nature of a person nor does it diminish any other of their traits.....its the meshing of two personalities that count.....and what they feel doesn't have to match....there has to be a base to go from be it friendship be it attraction.....who decides what is mature love or not?a sliding scale equal to the emotions felt...i dont think so...love depends on people and it really has no definition......love depends on staying power and endurance....not maturity to start......old love new love budding love....all the same.....endurance to the end...how it starts doesnt matter....its irelevant unless you keep it going..........deb

[swissdingo]

You are 100% right my friend. A lot of people these days are not smart enough to understand this, and it's a real shame. Back in the old days of our grandparents divorces, cheating, any of that junk was a lot rarer, and that's because they truly believed in commitment and what it means to not just love someone but to choose to be with them forever. Our generation is lost in that way, and it's a shame

[Toddbt12y1]

Think of butterflies and all that attraction an aspect of love. It is not the real thing. Just an aspect, a kiddy image to the adult form of love. As love matures, it puts aside this childish need to feel what you described, that the newer generation views as love.

 

My ex, during our end, called herself a hopeless romantic. "Couldn't help but love who she loves." I think such minded people are childish/immature. Romance is not love, as many people believe.

 

It is two-coined: an aspect of love; an aspects of lust.

 

What true love is, the adult form of all these aspects: Not everyday I can feel those special feelings, not in the light of the real world. Some days you are too tired or stressed to be romantic. To cause butterflies.

 

Heck, you will have days you feel nothing. Adult love knows this; realizes it doesn't always need these affects. It doesn't run away because of dry spells or arguements. It endures.

 

I guess what most younger people believe, is the romance = love. These feelings of butterflies, etc, are usually associated with romance.

[Amelie1980]

It does wear.off very quickly. there is a limit to how long you can feel as if you have butterflys everytime you look at someone. I couldn't stop smiling when I set eyes on him and felt overwhelmed. it wears off quicker than you think. I instead felt content and warm with him and lucky to have him.

 

People now think they've fallen out of love if they no.longer feel like the beginning all the time.

[TrueAwareness]

Check this movie out guys. I have never seen a more horrible display of that imaturity that we are talking about. And how they both get entangled in the most disfunctional life together.

 

Hihgly recommended movie. It's called Bitter Moon:

Bitter Moon (1992) - IMDb

 

The truth is that selfish people always bail out on everything they have to work hard to maintain.

Edited January 24, 2013 by TrueAwareness

[evondavis1]

This post is amazing and so true. People don't value relationships anymore, and relationships have become disposable. Now, of course there are major reasons to end a long term relationship/marriage such as infedelity and abuse. People today just give up toooooo easy. My ex is a perfect example. We broke up 4 months ago, together for 7 years, have a 3 year old son, owned a business together, a home, finances, dogs, etc. He met a younger girl 1 week later, and then took off to vegas and eloped 6 weeks later. Talk about infatuation and lust. You don't know someone after 6 weeks, it's just not possible. Then he called me last month to tell me she is "accidentally pregnant" and he is a mess, miserable and ****ed. I told him Karma! Karma will come and get you. Instead of working out the problems, fixing what is wrong with our relationship, you take off on path B. I had begged him for weeks to come back home. He wanted nothing to do with that idea.

It wasn't meant to be between him and I, I guess. However, involving yourself in a rebound marriage is worse!

[Allumere]

I'm one of those butterfly/spark people and I am far from ignorant on what a true relationship or love is all about. Of course things ebb and flow as the relationship grows/proceeds..somedays you may not even like the person very much...all normal. No, the butterflies aren't sustainable 24/7 but in my world, they need to exist every now and then in a LTR/marriage. Maybe its as simple as attending a work event together....you both dread it but you pull out the fancy threads and go. At some point, you look across the room and watch your spouse, they look up and give you a smile...butterflies. Or hell, it could be the fact that they did the dishes or brought home your favorite ice cream on a crappy day...all those little moments are priceless and if you are wise enough to not take them for granted, each creates a lil spark of love. I will not settle for a relationship without passion, sparks, and romance (I have been married so I'm not talking without a little experience here). Just as I won't settle for a relationship with someone who treats me poorly or lies or cheats or has things that are simply dealbreakers.

[Samilia]

It used to be that people used to court their better half for quite a long time too. Now courting is called dating. The good old days weren't always that good either and quite a number of people were finding themselves stuck in bad marriages. While I agree that we don't make as much as an effort as we used too, I also think that we look at the "good old days" with love goggles on.

[arrowfoot]

I see your point and agree that no, euphoric feelings can't be expected to fuel a long-term relationship because intensity isn't enough to wade through the rough times.

 

However, to explain myself more clearly: euphoric feelings may be euphoric only when in relation to the feelings your best friend, an attractive co-worker, or the way anyone else makes you feel. The feeling of romantic love is very obviously different from any other kind, even when it matures. Loyalty is a very endearing trait and when a person has stood by your side faithfully for years, they inevitably hold a special place in your heart; a sentiment that is a difference of kind rather than degree in comparison to short-term infatuation.

 

I have a biological theory about romantic love as well--a loosely scientific theory--that after the honeymoon faze (about a year) when the novelty wears off and the deeper attachment begins forming, hormones and neurotransmitters work to solidify a partnership strong enough to endure the stresses of raising a child.

 

So, all the great sex everyone has when they first meet their partner, I believe, is an attachment mechanism at work to create offspring. Biologically, this bit is fairly accurate in that hormones of sexual partners interact causing physical reactions. These hormones increase arousal--and other things, use your imagination--making conception more likely.

 

In the time span of one year, women between 18-30--if they are having regular sex--have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant. Not to mention that one of the definitions of infertility is the inability to become pregnant after one year of trying to conceive. Hence, if this first year when people are having this amazing sex is purely to create a child, the deeper connection that follows after about a year, may be to deepen the bond between the parents which would mean more parental investment, and lastly, a higher survival rate for offspring.

 

Basically, infatuation has its own time and purpose equal to that of commitment.

 

At this point I think that there are two types of people: those who perpetually long for the novelty and intensity of the beginning, and those who are content with the deep mental and spiritual bond that develops to replace it. The former being young (minded), idealistic, and loving whimsically, whilst the latter values close relationships and trust in a way that only maturity and life experience can bring.

 

So, when I used the term "euphoria" to explain the unexplainable feeling of romantic love, I meant that even long-lasting relationships have a sort of magical feeling to them; how could they not?

 

Is it not possible the bond of loyal companionship transforms into a euphoria of its own? One where you can look back on the person you were and the years you've grown, shared, laughed, cried, and lived with this other person and feel a since of nostalgia for them, a deep attachment. They become part of all of your memories.

 

 

I think the true argument here is not whether new, intense love is a cheap high, because I feel it is an equally joyous experience, but rather about differing personalities. Some may only be fulfilled by intensity and mystery--usually the callow youth, understandably--or perhaps be afraid of the emotional intimacy companionship warrants, or (as was with my ex) feel they don't deserve love and ironically proceed to push away those who do love them, feeling they actually deserve someone better! When really, they are so afraid of intimacy that they cannot bask in its warmth because of the anxiety it triggers, and thus never bother sticking around to find what lies ahead can be just as magical. I don't find it superficial to want the passion to be endless either; it's human to want pleasure. It's rather only a sign of those who haven't allowed themselves, or even had, the opportunity to persevere and put in the work needed for a long-term bond. If they knew what lay ahead they would freely accept that infatuation has run its natural course and let it go.

 

Or everyone these days are just pricks.

[NoMoreJerks]

Sunshine87, a great post. Agreed 100%. One of my good friends just left his wife because he claimed he no longer felt butterflies in his stomach when he saw her... They have 2 young kids (6 and 3 respectively). Makes me want to vomit in disgust. I feel sorry for his wife. He confided in me, before she even knew this was happening: he told me that he had kissed another woman (a mutual friend of ours -- I knew it was her right away, without him having to tell me), and then went on to blame his wife for it. He claimed that she made him feel that they were "roommates", not husband and wife. WTF? Yeah, real mature, leaving your family and kids behind, for some butterflies in your stomach, which will eventually disappear... Ironically, these feelings are probably called butterflies for a good reason: their life span is really short. I can't really forgive this man (who was a good friend) for what he did to his wife... I can only imagine what his wife is feeling like... I have reached out to her, and told her she can contact me any time to vent, talk, cry, etc. She is a strong woman, IMO. Far stronger than I ever could be. People these days are so irresponsible and things like this make me lose my faith in humanity.

 

I no longer talk to this man. A man who can leave his wife and kids for some butterflies , is neither a good husband, nor can he be a good friend. And I am not a judgmental person at all, usually. Also, I have lost all respect for the OW, who was a friend of mine as well.. He even took her to his house, to meet his wife and kids, and she stayed over at dinner at theirs many times. At some point, she was over at their place far more than she was at her own apartment. His wife didn't suspect it, since he had invited other friends of his from school (female friends), including myself. I only went once, and did not stay over for dinner, though. I just went to see his kids and his wife, and meet his puppy. In contrast, the OW was at their house every night, for dinner... I knew something was off about that. Disgusting. What a bunch of backstabbers. I no longer talk to either of them. And this was a guy in whom I confided some of my relationship problems with my ex.

Edited January 25, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[jcd07]

I agree 100% with Sunshine87, but I'm starting to doubt everything I knew about relationships and love.

 

Read Michelle Langley's book "Women's Infidelity", as she explains fairly well why relationships or marriages don't and (in her opinion) can't last for a very long time. It's the most depressing book I have ever read, but I can't argue with her. She does make some very good points and her arguments seem spot on. Above all, reality confirms her theories. It's not just about women and it's not just about infidelity, it's also about all the wrong expectations we have from relationships and marriages.

 

If you want something more uplifting after that, check out Evan Marc Katz's site, as he supports some healthy ideas which are in tune with the original post.

 

In the end, it's about how selfish we are. If one is selfish and acts only based on his emotions, others will always end up suffering. Love is more of a choice than a feeling. As are fidelity and commitment. You can't just feel loyal to someone and you can't feel committed to someone. You have to want it and act like it. You will always find excuses to stray, quit or look for someone who seems better and you will always feel attraction for others, it all comes down to what you choose to do.

 

If our definitions of love and happiness weren't as incomprehensible as they are right now, we would have it a lot easier. When you just go with "You have to feel it." (or to NOT feel it), then everything will have an expiration date.

[stevie_23]

I'm one of those butterfly/spark people and I am far from ignorant on what a true relationship or love is all about. Of course things ebb and flow as the relationship grows/proceeds..somedays you may not even like the person very much...all normal. No, the butterflies aren't sustainable 24/7 but in my world, they need to exist every now and then in a LTR/marriage. Maybe its as simple as attending a work event together....you both dread it but you pull out the fancy threads and go. At some point, you look across the room and watch your spouse, they look up and give you a smile...butterflies. Or hell, it could be the fact that they did the dishes or brought home your favorite ice cream on a crappy day...all those little moments are priceless and if you are wise enough to not take them for granted, each creates a lil spark of love. I will not settle for a relationship without passion, sparks, and romance (I have been married so I'm not talking without a little experience here). Just as I won't settle for a relationship with someone who treats me poorly or lies or cheats or has things that are simply dealbreakers.

 

Yes, this I agree with.

 

If people could live happily with their partner based on just commitment and the fact they're "good on paper", and with respect, mutual care, etc, this would be amazing, but most people don't GET together with a partner because they love them as a friend or close colleague. They HAVE to feel that "spark" or they won't get together with them in the first place.

 

I do feel that the reason people leave after the limerence phase wears off is up to them. Different types of people are able to be happy with that person and the deep bond of respect and love they've formed. Others feel they're now bored and settling. Others stay out of obligation. Others stay out of care and memories of before. Others cheat. Others leave.

[Toddbt12y1]

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

 

~Bruce Lee.

 

Awesome quote for those who get it.

[todreaminblue]

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

 

~Bruce Lee.

 

Awesome quote for those who get it.

 

 

and coal cant be unquenchable without fire to begin with, and if you dont keep it burning or relight the flame once in a while....coals do burn out.......love the quote......

thanks for posting....deb

[oracle]

Geez, Id just be happy if I can feel that butterfly feeling.. Im almost envious of people who can get into someone so easily.

 

I have met hundreds of guys.... its like maybe 1 in 25 gets me excited, and its usually the ones I can't have... too young, .... straight and curious (my fav)

 

Maybe its cause I fell hard when I was 19 and was with one guy for 14 years. And we had the close mature love that you talk about, I was content or atleast I thought I was.

 

Sometimes goin the distance isn't success though... But thats a whole other avenue to explore

[Toddbt12y1]

Romance is still needed. Never will I say it isn't. It is an aaspect of love You need it every once and a while. Just as we grow, we learn that it is not Love itself. Just one part that makes it up.

 

Besides most young people are in lust, not love. Lust is an imitator. It attempts to copy love, to fool minds. Much like Lucifer attempts to copy God. Lust is evil when it comes to relationships. It is temporary. Love is good, and long lasting.

 

We do not experience perfect love anyway -- being flawed and all.

 

Love to us is the balance that makes it up:

 

Forgiveness, Respect(yeah it can be a form of love), Loyalty, hope, sacrifice, endurance, and yes romance. I am sure there is more, ah, yes, true intimacy. The love making, the oneness.

 

All these together are love, not just one.

[todreaminblue]

Romance is still needed. Never will I say it isn't. It is an aaspect of love You need it every once and a while. Just as we grow, we learn that it is not Love itself. Just one part that makes it up.

 

Besides most young people are in lust, not love. Lust is an imitator. It attempts to copy love, to fool minds. Much like Lucifer attempts to copy God. Lust is evil when it comes to relationships. It is temporary. Love is good, and long lasting.

 

We do not experience perfect love anyway -- being flawed and all.

 

Love to us is the balance that makes it up:

 

Forgiveness, Respect(yeah it can be a form of love), Loyalty, hope, sacrifice, endurance, and yes romance. I am sure there is more, ah, yes, true intimacy. The love making, the oneness.

 

All these together are love, not just one.

 

 

That is so true the respect being a form of love, I think mutual respect is a firm foundation, have always been taught that from really exceptional men.......and those are the characteristics i do look for that respect for others, my heart melts a bit...as i said exceptional men have shown me respect, related and unrelated......I could never fall for someone that i didnt respect at the time,and i have fallen out of love when i have lost that trust and respect...no fire could ever keep that alight.......once respect is gone..takes loyalty love compassion and passion with it...deb

[Toddbt12y1]

That is so true the respect being a form of love, I think mutual respect is a firm foundation, have always been taught that from really exceptional men.......and those are the characteristics i do look for that respect for others, my heart melts a bit...as i said exceptional men have shown me respect, related and unrelated......I could never fall for someone that i didnt respect at the time,and i have fallen out of love when i have lost that trust and respect...no fire could ever keep that alight.......once respect is gone..takes loyalty love compassion and passion with it...deb

 

I couldn't agree anymore with this. After all, no woman is gonna off-the-bat go with a Guy. That is rude to them. Besides it is a southern customer to hold the door for an approaching lady.