Happypuppy Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Hi Don't know if this makes any sense, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the idea of my ex being "the one". It's so strange, because since day one we met I have felt like this is the man I was supposed to get married to and start a family with. Now that he is becoming a father, I know that nothing will ever be the same and I don't even think I would want him back. But the idea of me and him; ten years from now and still NC, missing each other is terrible. Guess it all stems from me being scared of ending up alone..? (haven't met anyone since May, I talk to guys, but nothing more) I know in my heart I'm a pretty, smart and outgoing girl, but somehow I have it in my head that if I can't have him, the love in my life is lost and I will end up alone and miserable... I know it's stupid.. Can someone please put some sense in me..?
Coping Vortex Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Hi Don't know if this makes any sense, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the idea of my ex being "the one". It's so strange, because since day one we met I have felt like this is the man I was supposed to get married to and start a family with. Now that he is becoming a father, I know that nothing will ever be the same and I don't even think I would want him back. But the idea of me and him; ten years from now and still NC, missing each other is terrible. Guess it all stems from me being scared of ending up alone..? (haven't met anyone since May, I talk to guys, but nothing more) I know in my heart I'm a pretty, smart and outgoing girl, but somehow I have it in my head that if I can't have him, the love in my life is lost and I will end up alone and miserable... I know it's stupid.. Can someone please put some sense in me..? When you feel it in your heart, you feel you met the "one" I know i had too. But the reality can they be the "one" if they don't want us? It takes two to have the "one" relationship. Like you I can't seem to accept they my ex just doesn't want me. So how can she be the "one"? The "one" is the one that loves us just as much as we love them. 1
Renard99 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 When you feel it in your heart, you feel you met the "one" I know i had too. But the reality can they be the "one" if they don't want us? It takes two to have the "one" relationship. Like you I can't seem to accept they my ex just doesn't want me. So how can she be the "one"? The "one" is the one that loves us just as much as we love them. Completely agree. Ultimately, the 'one' wouldn't leave you. They'd want to be there with you through both the good and the bad times. Take my ex, she just simply identified that there were perceived problems and just got up and left. Didn't fight for the relationship and didn't try to work things out. She just bailed on me. The 'one' wouldn't have done that. I also thought my ex was the one and was even planning on proposing. Yet, now, I've met the most wonderful woman who blows my ex clean out of the water. So even though it feels like they were the 'one' there's every chance that you have yet to meet the real 'one'. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I personally don't buy the concept of a single "the one". Out of the 7 billion people in the world there is definitely more than 1 person who can fulfill the role of "the one". The trick is to find the right person at the right time though. I'm 25 and have never met a woman who I felt I could marry. There have been a few near misses but still no one who I know we could make it work. This honestly scares me. Compounded with the fact that getting dates doesn't happen often to me and I am single a lot I am fearful that I will live much of my life single. Still, I feel that once you meet the right person and experience all the new things a great partner brings to the table you won't miss your ex anymore. He will be in the back of your mind but just another person. He won't invoke the powerful feelings you once had. 1
trevjim Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Hi Don't know if this makes any sense, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the idea of my ex being "the one". It's so strange, because since day one we met I have felt like this is the man I was supposed to get married to and start a family with. Now that he is becoming a father, I know that nothing will ever be the same and I don't even think I would want him back. But the idea of me and him; ten years from now and still NC, missing each other is terrible. Guess it all stems from me being scared of ending up alone..? (haven't met anyone since May, I talk to guys, but nothing more) I know in my heart I'm a pretty, smart and outgoing girl, but somehow I have it in my head that if I can't have him, the love in my life is lost and I will end up alone and miserable... I know it's stupid.. Can someone please put some sense in me..? I am in the same boat, ex of 2.5 years, we split up due to arguing to much, day later she started seeing another guy (she has low self esteem and hates being alone etc etc) and i dont buy that she is in love with him, although i feel she thinks she is. he is moving in after 2 months and they are going to try for a baby. also she has a son i helped raise who i accepted as my own that i now cant see. Fact is, i thought and still feel she is the one for ME, and because i dont believe the new guy will last, it makes it conflicting for me to move on. But i keep trying and do N/C where possible (need some contact to sort bills etc) but i just cant move on, its been 2 months now and the progress ive made is minimul where as she has a new guy moving in and trying for a baby 1
Author Happypuppy Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I don't know if I believe in the concept of "the one myself" even.. I think I'm just afraid we are gonna wake up in 10 years and realize we have wasted almost our entire life (we are 30) Can't rid myself of the thought that this baby he is having wasn't planned or even wanted. He told me several times he didn't want kids now (he has gone back to school for health reasons), that he wanted to travel more and really live a bit, together, before having kids. And then he has a thing with a girl from his past, she gets pregnant and goes back to her own country and a month later they are a couple? They agreed on this online? It all seems so strange too me. But now I better understand why he started NC, and why he told me we had to be over, that he had to think of himself and what not. Guess the fact that I'm not sure wether this is something he really wants, or if it's a mistake haunts me. Not that it would chance anything. I'm just really screwed up. Trying to keep my hopes up for the future. Just find it really hard to meet men. Don't know why, but I guess I'm picky also. Don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. Though it's been 6 months. I keep myself from healing I think, because I cling to this idea of him being IT. Very frustrating!
Loved77 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 If you think they were "the one" stay NC. That's what my plan is. The longer you don't have contact with them the sooner you will take them off the pedestal. Good luck
RogerWallace111 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I don't mean this in a smartass way, but of course, there isn't a single "one" person for everyone. It's one of those ideas that's been successfully perpetuated but if you just give it a little extra thought is obviously untrue. Like the idea of there being a robed man in the sky running the earth... What feels like "the one" is just another human who is more fitting for you than the vast majority of others. But given there are billions of humans on earth, I'd say a conservative estimate would be that there are 100,000 "the ones" out there for any given person. Just to ponder... if you take the exclusivity and romantic intimacy out of a relationship, it's more or less an extremely deep friendship. Does having one super-close friend who you really love in any way make you limited from having more ? Of course there's a completely unique bond between any two humans, but you can't mistake that uniqueness for it's being unmatchable as far it's depth or your enjoyment of it. It's the intimacy and exclusive nature of a romantic relationship that makes it frightening to lose. That's why your best friend can move away and it "sucks", but when your lover leavers it feels like you're losing everything. Even if you'd be willing to die for either of them. Yes, your ex is the only one you will ever have that unique love with. But that in no way means he's the only one you will ever a love of that caliber with.
RogerWallace111 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 And I say all that as someone who can identify with what you're feeling. The idea of my last girl having a family with someone else seems wrong to me on one level. Like fate f*cked up. But somehow, at the same time, I can easily accept it... Knowing in my heart that the timing just wasn't right and that sometime down the line I will be with someone else I love as much or more, feeling thankful that it all went down as it did and "fate" has led me there. 1
Hopeful79 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 If you think they were "the one" stay NC. That's what my plan is. The longer you don't have contact with them the sooner you will take them off the pedestal. Good luck I so understand about putting him on a pedestal. I'm about 2 mos. after the breakup with the man I thought I would marry. I became too dependent - and lost myself. It was a rocky relationship for a long time, lots of fighting and I actually wasn't even happy with him and thought about leaving many times. Yet when he finally ended it I began to feel suffocated without him. I put him on a pedestal...I think about him as being this perfect man and am just so addicted. We are still facebook friends, and in those 2 mos. we had sex twice- I was used, I know. I don't know if I'll ever get over him, I feel like I won't. It's just so awful. I'll feel OK sometimes, and then BAM, I am flooded with memories of when we were happy - and filled with pain again.
Loved77 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I so understand about putting him on a pedestal. I'm about 2 mos. after the breakup with the man I thought I would marry. I became too dependent - and lost myself. It was a rocky relationship for a long time, lots of fighting and I actually wasn't even happy with him and thought about leaving many times. Yet when he finally ended it I began to feel suffocated without him. I put him on a pedestal...I think about him as being this perfect man and am just so addicted. We are still facebook friends, and in those 2 mos. we had sex twice- I was used, I know. I don't know if I'll ever get over him, I feel like I won't. It's just so awful. I'll feel OK sometimes, and then BAM, I am flooded with memories of when we were happy - and filled with pain again. Think of your ex as a drug that you are addicted too. You are suffering withdrawls just like a drug addict. Stop taking the drug & go NC. Whatever you do don't have sex with him. I've been NC for 1 month. Trust me i'm in the same situation as you.
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 There is no " the one " I have now accepted I will now be on my own for my lifetime and will just live one day at a time now.
Author Happypuppy Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I soooo see myself in what Hopeful79 is saying...! We had a long time after the BU where we tried to hang out, (yes we had sex) and just see where things were headed, but I now know that I let him take advantage of me (even though I don't think he did this on purpose; we honestly thought we might "find each other" again like this) I'm slowly getting used to the idea that there will be someone else out there for me. Please Zammo25; don't take that small glimmer of hope away from me And yes; him having another family seems just plain WRONG. But I guess it's because we imagined our selves with them. I will be ok in the end. I just have to believe it. I have officially blocked him on FB (after my "goodbye -message" after I found out he is to be a father), deleted number and messages from phone and also had a conversation with his mother on FB, explaining that I needed to block her (we were close and we both cried. She said she was "crying both for me and us") and then did. Don't want babypics showing up in my news feed... I just can't occupy my mind with his drama any more. Knowing him, I somehow can't really believe this is what he want's out of life, but I just have to keep telling myself that it's HIS problem now. Yes is sucks, but this is reality and I have to deal with it. On top of it all my mother has now been diagnosed with lungcancer, and I generally feel blue and alone. I am trying to do something about it, so for now I guess I just have to let time work it's magic. I also imagine him contacting me. Sometime, maybe years from now. We shared so much history and things ended so "wrong" that I can't help but feel he will make contact, somewhere down the line. Maybe just to apologize, explain or something. Praying I will be strong enough then to ignore it if I still have strong feelings.. Will be hard to ignore someone you cared about reaching out a hand though.. Maybe I will be strong enough to be friends at least. Time will tell. Thank you for your input guys, I really appreciate it!
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I am just a shell now, an empty vessel, damaged goods so now there will be no " the one " anymore. It is NOT going to happen. I will just live my life one day at a time now until it is over. That is my destiny now. I have accepted it.
RogerWallace111 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I will be ok in the end. I just have to believe it. I have officially blocked him on FB (after my "goodbye -message" after I found out he is to be a father), deleted number and messages from phone and also had a conversation with his mother on FB, explaining that I needed to block her (we were close and we both cried. She said she was "crying both for me and us") and then did. Don't want babypics showing up in my news feed... I just can't occupy my mind with his drama any more. Knowing him, I somehow can't really believe this is what he want's out of life, but I just have to keep telling myself that it's HIS problem now. Yes is sucks, but this is reality and I have to deal with it. On top of it all my mother has now been diagnosed with lungcancer, and I generally feel blue and alone. I am trying to do something about it, so for now I guess I just have to let time work it's magic. I also imagine him contacting me. Sometime, maybe years from now. We shared so much history and things ended so "wrong" that I can't help but feel he will make contact, somewhere down the line. Maybe just to apologize, explain or something. Praying I will be strong enough then to ignore it if I still have strong feelings.. Will be hard to ignore someone you cared about reaching out a hand though.. Maybe I will be strong enough to be friends at least. Time will tell. Thank you for your input guys, I really appreciate it! The bolded above may very well be true given the quickness of his decision. People seem to often do that sort of rash sh*t following the end of long relationships. And considering how many people with much more forethought than that make relationship / child decisions that they end up regretting, it's pretty reasonable to guess it may become a "problem" for him. The same sort of thing hasn't happened yet with my ex, as far as i know, but it's something I can't help but assume will relatively soon. Our relationship basically crumbled once I broke it to her that I didn't see myself marrying / settling down with her at the current stage of my life. And considering how important that was to her, I inevitably imagine a scenario where she rather hastily marries the next decent, seemingly compatible candidate she dates. And proceeds to have kids, etc. But where 3 months ago that thought would've been painful (not that it's too pleasant now), now I mostly just feel sympathetic. Cause either she gets married, has kids, it lasts, and she gets to have a boring, run-of-the-mill next 40-60 years; or it doesn't last, and she finds herself in middle age, youth-passed, single with kids to support. All of which are fine paths to take given they really satisfy you, but knowing her, I don't buy that that satisfaction would be longterm or real. More just temporary attempts to assuage her loneliness and general life/routine boredom. Whatever though... deep down I wish her all the best, which is getting easier as my life takes the exciting turns it has been lately. Sorry for the tangent. From the way you write I can tell you've got the constitution where you'll feel better sooner than you think. Not overnight, no- but it's not gonna hang over your head the way you fear it will.
Loved77 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) the majority of people in the first few months of a BU Edited January 29, 2013 by Loved77
Author Happypuppy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 the majority of people in the first few months of a BU You probably had something really smart to say, but I think you left half of it out
Loved77 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I was going to say most people with the idea that they lost "the one" are the dumpees who just got broken up with. They havn't healed yet & don't understand that there are hundreds of people you can fall in love with. It's quite rare to find someone on here saying 5 years later they lost the one.
Sugarkane Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I often wonder what's the point when exes get someone pregnant so fast on here. What were they thinking? So he got someone pregnant after one month? doesn't sound promising does it? I wonder why people like having kids with strangers for? It sounds like he's only with her because he knocked her up. You deserve better. It probably won't last.
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