Acceptance

[youngnlove89]

Many of us on here are guilty of holding on, gripping tightly to that last bit of hope and practically on our knees begging for a miracle. I am guilty of that, well I was. I spent a good amount of time daydreaming about the day me ex would come back and realize he made this big mistake, meanwhile asking the same questions over and over until I made myself dizzy.

 

Why is he ignoring me? Why did he say this and do that? Does he miss me? Has he moved on? Did he ever really love me? Is he coming back?

 

Guess what, all of that is IRRELEVANT now. It doesn't matter anymore. Once you realize that, you will find yourself loosening the grip on something that isn't there anymore. One day you will wake up and realize you have been holding onto thin air. That thing you thought was still there, left a long time ago.

 

All of those questions you are asking are keeping you from letting go. It's that simple. You can't let go because you don't want to. Not because "you two were meant to be" not because "he really does love you and he will realize it soon enough" and not because "you'll never feel like this again with someone." What you are feeling right now...is all you.

 

That person is gone. They aren't coming back. And as soon as you can accept this you will be able to welcome happiness back into your life. Your in a fog right now because you aren't making the decision to let them go, you are making the decision to hold still while they live their life without you. You are putting your life on hold for someone who already decided what they wanted (which isn't you). You can't accept the truth even though it's right in front of your face.

 

Decisions are the hardest to make when it's a choice between where you should be and where you want to be. I get it. It's a commitment to let go. But, sometimes, we're too into the moment to look at the big picture. We fail to see things in perspective because we're too absorbed in what's taking place at that very instance. The thing is we should face reality. Find ourselves from being lost in the moment and think about everything the way it is. Because sometimes being realistic can save us from pain and disappointment.

[lovepugs86]

When can you really wake up one day and not wonder if he is ever going to want you back? I feel like I will always think that someday my ex will realize what he is missing and come back....

[boblet]

As I was reading this, "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell came on, perfect song lol. You're totally right! Moment to moment commitment instead of living in hurt and pain. On point!

[cavalier99]

I love your post and like always it is inspirational... but just 1 question. This is all good in theory and we can do all the right things stay NC, mourn cry, mediate, know deep down they aren't coming back etcetera, workout, post, live our lives to the max.

 

BUT don't you think that acceptance and letting go happens with time? TIME seems to be be the critical element along with the rest of the things we do.

 

I mean I'm doing everything right, I've DECIDED to let go a ton, no false hope, but i cant just force myself to completely let go and become indifferent. Doesn't seem like it works that way. I can imagine, pray and meditate about letting go and I feel MUCH better after 4 months but I'm beginning to realize i can only accelerate things so much. It isn't just magically letting go.

 

It is TIME and doing the right things that permit us to let go and accept. At least that is how i feel. If you have the letting go formula id love to hear it. lol Cav

Edited January 24, 2013 by cavalier99

[MyAngel]

I agree cav. Time is what helps. Time lessens the pain. Compare me with 6 weeks ago at the start of the break up, I was a different person in a bad place. Now, it's not so bad. I won't ever forget this person but I am feeling positive that I am moving forward at the right pace for me and reaching acceptance.

[arrowfoot]

Beautiful post but I have to be with Cavalier on this one--letting go also involves knowing that you have no control over your feelings and that you must endure them until they are ready to leave.

 

Undoubtedly, many of the dumpees on this site, if not all, would want nothing more than to feel cool indifference to their ex and once again feel inspired by life. Everyone knows that what's best for them is to move on, yet it is love that wills us to discount our intelligence. For, if love wasn't strong enough to give us such heartbreak upon its departure than it wouldn't be strong enough to bring and keep two people together for years. Or a lifetime.

 

That's my two cents or rather my philosophy during this time to maintain clarity.

 

Pain will be here. I will probably be sad in the morning when I reach for my phone and there is no "good morning" message. I will most likely be sad much of tomorrow, and this week. I accept that. I think any attempt to "look on the bright side" or rationalize the experience as being a blessing in disguise is simply denial. Pain is pain and unpleasant for a reason. I think knowing that one can't escape feeling such feelings is the fundamental source of anguish.

 

Knowing that we must endure for an indefinite amount of time, until the heart heals.

 

Yeah, being sad sucks but, we'll come out of the darkness--because we will one day--having known the depths of human suffering and thus begin to treat others with more fragility and compassion. We will only learn to love more deeply.

[stevie_23]

When can you really wake up one day and not wonder if he is ever going to want you back? I feel like I will always think that someday my ex will realize what he is missing and come back....

 

I kept this hope alive for the first few weeks...I would at first try desperately to convince him he was "wrong" in how he felt. Then when I stopped bugging him, I became too scared to check my accounts we used to use because I couldn't stand the thought of being slammed in the face with SILENCE from him still. Eventually I realised my trying was yielding no reward. No response. And then eventually I realised my "waiting" and being scared to go online was futile and damaging for NO reason other than my own choice to feel that way about those specific actions. Why should me going online be all about HIM now? It used to be, and it was great while it lasted, but now? I have to do my own thing and not be constantly associating every single thing with him.

 

It's been 7 weeks for me since he left. Clearly, if he wanted to talk to me, if he was wanting me back or even considering it, he would contact me. He knows how. The fact he isn't doing that...means he's simply does not want to, and so I let go of that hope quite some time ago.

[youngnlove89]

I love your post and like always it is inspirational... but just 1 question. This is all good in theory and we can do all the right things stay NC, mourn cry, mediate, know deep down they aren't coming back etcetera, workout, post, live our lives to the max.

 

BUT don't you think that acceptance and letting go happens with time? TIME seems to be be the critical element along with the rest of the things we do.

 

I mean I'm doing everything right, I've DECIDED to let go a ton, no false hope, but i cant just force myself to completely let go and become indifferent. Doesn't seem like it works that way. I can imagine, pray and meditate about letting go and I feel MUCH better after 4 months but I'm beginning to realize i can only accelerate things so much. It isn't just magically letting go.

 

It is TIME and doing the right things that permit us to let go and accept. At least that is how i feel. If you have the letting go formula id love to hear it. lol Cav

 

You are absolutely right. But you can't fully begin to feel indifferent because a part of you still has hope. (And if you can't admit that, that is called being in denial). Hope is the most dangerous emotion in the world. It has the power to blind the most perceptive individuals, silence the most rational of doubts, and forgive the most heinous injustices.

 

I didn't say it would be easy. I know how difficult it is. I still even have moments where I feel sad when I think of him. BUT, I push those moments out the instant they come into my head. I told all my friends don't talk about him anymore. Don't ask me anything in relation to HIM. You don't realize just how many things remind you of a person until they become someone you no longer wish to remember.

 

But I believe if we use that hope towards us healing and moving on and finding that love in someone else than I think we can heal. That is the formula. Direct that hope where it will be useful. Don't hope for something that isn't possible. Hope that you will move on, that you will heal and most of all that you will find someone worthy of your heart. (and you will)

 

The mind is a very powerful thing. The mind is your formula to move on. You are what you think you are. If you sit at home and mope around and think about your ex constantly and ask yourself a million questions, do you think that will help you move on? No. But, instead if you go out, have fun, and at least try to move on then I believe in the long run, it is very beneficial.

 

Here is an example of a mind exercise:

Try as hard as you can to avoid thinking about a polar bear, or (more unusual) a purple polka-dot flamingo drinking a cup of coffee. This experiment is quite an old one but still a good one to show the dynamics of thought. The simple fact of the matter is to be able to maintain an effort not to think about polar bears, or when we experience an unhappy thought, we struggle against it, both trying to suppress a thought and struggling against a thought both require applied and sustained effort and the theme (such as the polar bear) as an object. If you keep trying or fighting not to think about it, the bear stays put.

 

Learn to let go of these thoughts by relaxing your fight against it. Since we are trying to force the thoughts away, we are holding tighter trying to force it to go. The harder we try and force it, the more we are tensing and crushing the mind. The mind however responds as though it is being attacked.

 

This is where it can take time to learn this. It's a mind exercise. Your mind is so used to fighting it so it has become almost ingrained as a mental occupation. Like I said, it is a day to day commitment.

 

Here are some good things to consider or try: (I found this on another site somewhere)

 

Have you ever read a book, seen a movie or done anything so many times you know everything about it and it just seems uninteresting and boring? If you do the same and watch the thought and be uninterested with it, there is no more attachment to it so its easier to let go.

 

If the thought didn't leave, manipulate the thought. Run it backwards, twist it, bend it, change it - eventually you can see that you are running the show. By substituting an unpleasant thought with a more soothing thought chain, is a temporary fix, but still a good one in times of need. You can let go of the issue easier when you feel you have more safer ground to stand on.

 

Make a point of reference. This is important as it gives two things - firstly you can tell far quicker when a series of unpleasant thoughts are occurring and secondly it provides a mechanism to let go of them.

 

For feelings, ask yourself - “What benefit is this particular thought/feeling?" or “Is this actually helping?" or even "Would I give myself this feeling?". If you find the feeling doesn't actually provide any benefit, that can help you get over them and win back confidence by being less controlled by them.

 

Practice mindfulness or meditation. Mindfulness is an excellent way to keep awareness and focus on what you are doing here and now. This it separates you gently from the thought or feeling, so you can be more distinct and less controlled.

 

That's the thing with happiness, you never actually lost it. With practice you can go back very quickly if you're prepared to let go. But only if you are ready to let go. Are you?

Edited January 25, 2013 by youngnlove89

[cavalier99]

I like your recommendations.

 

I also use mindfulness (beginner level). When i have thoughts of anger or sadness, obsessive thinking ect. I practice deep breathing to pull my mind into the present.

 

I accept the feeling and try to sooth it like i would a baby that is crying for attention. E.g I say "I see you anger it is OK" I recognize the emotion and observe it objectively until it subsides. I read this in a meditation book. Seems to help.

 

I like your movie analogy. I think that we naturally start to get tired of spinning the same thought around our head and eventually get bored with them. That is how I'm feeling recently..at times. I mean our brains can only handle so much of the same thoughts without actual stimuli (NC) and will eventually just purge them as irrelevant or at least allow us to view them without an emotional reaction.

Edited January 25, 2013 by cavalier99

[stevie_23]

I think that we naturally start to get tired of spinning the same thought around our head and eventually get bored with them. That is how I'm feeling recently..at times. I mean our brains can only handle so much of the same thoughts without actual stimuli (NC) and will eventually just purge them or at least allow us to view them without an emotional reaction.

 

I understand the boredom thing, with repetitive swirling obsessive thoughts.

 

At first, I’d replay conversations over and over in my head, with my ex. Trying to “talk” to him in my head seeing as I couldn’t in real life. Some would be angry, some would be emotional, some would be happy (fantasies).

 

After a while I got really sick of this. I knew it was all in my head and no matter how much I thought it wasn’t going to change anything in reality.

 

Eventually I would start to think in this obsessive way and then go “Blah, blah, blah” and move on to something else. I’d literally get BORED and move on.

[na49]

Some of your threads are so sad. This one isn't. I loved everything you said and I agree with it. While I do agree with Cav, it isn't just time that helps you get over someone. You can sit inside, cry your eyes out for years and years. Time has passed, but are you any better? Nope! Which is why what you said holds true. Accepting that they don't want you. Accepting that nothing you do can bring them back. Accepting your life without them are all important. We really did never lose our happiness.

 

I feel that we learned to be happy before them. and then they come into our lives. It's new. It's exciting, and with time we learn to be happy with them. We convince ourselves that they are "the one". We convince ourselves that they will never leave us and we will stay with them forever. We are convinced that the love is "real" and they feel the same way about us as we feel about them. Our relationship with them is so great! (for the most part). AND THEN sh*t hits the fan. We don't know how to be happy without them, so we're lost. We've been happy before them, but not after them. It's a new experience. It's called moving on (and it's very difficult )