lisa_209 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) OK..this is a first for me, I just don't know what to do. I am desperate. Long story short...Married for 6 years...dated 1 year prior..6 kids between us..blended family...on my 3 year YES on my 3 year anniversary at lunch he gets a call from what I find out to be during the phone call the "other woman". Over the course of the following year I find out he has been having affairs- he claims none of them "physical"- since we started dating...So there were several women and I find all of them from hunting and running into them on my own at school functions and just being aware that I am treated differently. He NEVER has told me the truth about anything. In fact his therapist which he stopped seeing after three sessions, told him he shouldn't tell me cuz it would cause me more pain and him more trouble. So here I am three years later in a bitter mess of a relationship. I can't kiss him...I am too repulsed to sleep with him and I am flat out miserable. I don't know how to get passed this. I feel like he needs to be honest with me or I can't go forward. I simply am not capable of moving forward with a person who can't be honest with me. I feel like I am in it for the kids. I want them to get out of highschool and then I want to walk...but I DON'T want a divorce...but I do...HELP!!! I am so utterly lost and have noone to talk to about this. NOONE. What can I do to work thru this...anyone?? I feel like if he wasn't satisfied with me when I was at my most open and honest and happiest part of our relationship...what should be the best and the easiest...will he ever? will I ever be good enough to just be enough?? Edited January 24, 2013 by lisa_209
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Go to marriage counseling with him. The therapist he was going to was only looking out for his best interest, not yours or the marriage. He's a real shi.t to do this to you. If he is willing to go to MC with you, show real remorse, and if you feel he's worth fighting and is deserving of a chance, then do your best to make it work. At least this way you will know you gave it your all before throwing in the towel. He is messed up and has issues, otherwise why else would he cheat on you like this and so many times. I doubt very much it wasn't physical, so PLEASE do get yourself checked for STD's. Sorry you're hurting. 2
HonestNeurotic Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 will I ever be good enough to just be enough? NO ONE should ever - and I mean EVER - have the power, the control, to be the judge, to discern, to be able to decide whether or not you are "good enough". Don't place your own personal happiness in control of this man. Or any man. You don't need them to validate YOU. Sorry you are hurting. But don't settle for anything less than what you deserve - to be loved like you need to be loved, and to know deep inside, that you are ALWAYS good enough. 2
NervisPervis Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Leave him. It will either scare the s.h.i.t out of him and he changes, or he doesn't. If it's the former, you may be able to save your marriage. If the latter, you need to leave anyhow. You can't live like that. It all starts with packing a bag and leaving. Sorry about that.
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Don't stick around "for the kids." You're showing them what a marriage looks like. They may subjugate themselves to the same type of treatment in the future. Don't set this example for them. You can't "rugsweep" affairs. Your husband needs to come completely clean and express true remorse. It's time for an ultimatum. And if that doesn't work, you file for divorce. And if that doesn't work, you're on your way to the divorce you need.
CarboniteCammy Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 So...are the kids the only reason you feel like you should stay? Kids are alot smarter then you think. They notice things you don't think they do. I bet you'd be surprised how much they know, even if they're young, because they are NOSEY. I remember growing up and going through drawers and listening into conversations over the phone because I knew something was up, just wasn't sure what it was with my parents. Just food for thought.
Author lisa_209 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Yes. I feel like I am in it for the kids. I care about this man I just feel like we are in a business partnership and he thinks things are fine. I told him that once the kids are out of highschool I am leaving if things can't change. Things change for a time after the threats...but always revert. I just don't have any trust for him. Has anyone been in this situation and been able to trust the cheater again?? I physically don't know how to relax or be myself anymore with him...I have never been completely open and trusting with ANYONE. EVER. I was an abused child and mistreated and abused by parents until I was in my mid 20's... so the fact that I was even ABLE to trust him I felt was enormous. Yet..since he is the only one I finally let go of my inhibitions, let the walls fall and just was ... just me...I just feel like I won't ever do it again. I want to say I am jaded and that this will go away...but really will it?? I'm not sure...it's been three years of me trying to just let it go. He apologized, he says he doesn't do it anymore...but to be honest, I haven't checked. Maybe I just don't want to know. Truth be told...I just don't want to care.
Author lisa_209 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you. I just wish I could believe it. Someday maybe. Thank you.
Author lisa_209 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 will I ever be good enough to just be enough? NO ONE should ever - and I mean EVER - have the power, the control, to be the judge, to discern, to be able to decide whether or not you are "good enough". Don't place your own personal happiness in control of this man. Or any man. You don't need them to validate YOU. Sorry you are hurting. But don't settle for anything less than what you deserve - to be loved like you need to be loved, and to know deep inside, that you are ALWAYS good enough. Thank you. I just wish I could believe it. Someday maybe. Thank you.
jnel921 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Don't stay for the kids. You made him aware that you sense he is up to no good. But you haven't done anything which is why he feels he still can with so many women. I agree with another poster here about being tested for STDs. Sound like he doesn't care. 3 years is a long time to waste. If he hasn't stopped or acknowledged your hurt then maybe you should pack up your kids and leave.
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