Ajvd1 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 In 2 days I will be 30 days of NC. I initiated it even went as far as to change my number. I still think about asshat (my NC nickname for xMM) every day. Sometimes it's because I miss him, sometimes it's because I hate him, and sometimes I think about our bs's and how if they found out it would ruin their lives and I feel guilty. Or then there are those awesome (insert sarcasm) days when I just replay the whole ordeal in my head over and over again. All of this makes me angry and mad at my mind for not being able to stop him from popping in my head. I just feel like NC gives me no closure. I have contemplated breaking it just to tell him the things I think and feel about the situation but I know it would probably result in something worse then what I feel now. I just cant shake this feeling that no matter how bad I want to close this chapter of my life something isnt resolved yet.
loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 In 2 days I will be 30 days of NC. I initiated it even went as far as to change my number. I still think about asshat (my NC nickname for xMM) every day. Sometimes it's because I miss him, sometimes it's because I hate him, and sometimes I think about our bs's and how if they found out it would ruin their lives and I feel guilty. Or then there are those awesome (insert sarcasm) days when I just replay the whole ordeal in my head over and over again. All of this makes me angry and mad at my mind for not being able to stop him from popping in my head. I just feel like NC gives me no closure. I have contemplated breaking it just to tell him the things I think and feel about the situation but I know it would probably result in something worse then what I feel now. I just cant shake this feeling that no matter how bad I want to close this chapter of my life something isnt resolved yet. You are not alone....I'm so torn. NC is torture. So many different emotions arise and you don't know which way is up. Or what you truly want to happen. I think it's safe to say NC is the way to go. Don't break it. Don't let him break it. It will only hurt more. You may never have answers. It's something you just need to accept. I replay the memories in my head all of the time. It will take some time, but sonner or later you will care and think about him less... Good luck sweetie! Anytime he starts to pop in your head, try to keep busy. Get a hobby. Read. Go for a walk. Or come here to talk. Organize your home (I've spent the last two days organizing every closet in our house to keep my mind in order.) whatever works for you. 6 months NC for me. You are in such the fresh sucky sucky stages still. Hang in there.
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Thanks. Its helpful just to know that I am not the only one going through this and that people can keep up nc. Lucky he cant fb msg me and doesnt have my number. My only contact info he has that je could use is my work number and beings he only ever called there once I dont think he would. I honestly think he is probably angry with me I basically text him said its over...sorry. I didnt wait for a reply beofre turning off old phone. Turned on new phone and immediately called and cancelled my old plan. I truly "ripped the band aid".Perhaps that is why I feel there was no closure because I was so scar ed of him sucking me back into the A that I didn't even hear his reply.
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I am using all my willpower everyday to not break nc. I hope I make it. I guess the one thing I am enjoying bout NC and is positive is I realize now during the A I was missing out on. I was so entangled in our "relationship" of planning stealing time to talk to or see him that I basically neglected my family and responsibilities and friendships. That keeps me angry enough af him for demanding so much of my attention that I put important real important relationships in jepoardy that I find him supremely selfish. I applaud you both for keeping strong and maintaining nc. I hope to say the same someday!
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 He can't give you closure. Fact is and this should help -- You both are married and it never could have worked out unless you both divorced and hurt two innocent people and turned lives upside down (kids, if any). NC is for you to heal. To make peace with what happened and move on. Maybe it's because you're still living the lie and there was no d-day..It's unsettling for you. Either way, do NOT break NC. Vent here or write letters to him but never EVER send them. He's not contacted you, so respect that. You also need to not contact him as it could set him back, not only you. I mean if he contacted you and sent you a long email it would probably mess you up and ruin your so many days of NC, maybe it would hurt and maybe it would make you mad that he disrespected the NC. Make your own closure. There's nothing he can do or say to help with you that, so do your best to work through this without his input.
Catplates Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 YOu can never erase him from your memory. Time has a way of making the memory a little less dim. I found that I had got to the point where I really never wanted to see him again. There was no longer an emotional tug on my heart. I was simply done. It took several reunions and almost 4 years for this to come about. I hope you can maintain NC. Best Wishes, Cat. 1
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