outsidethebox Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It's not a turning down thing. It's a "if all he wants is sex then he got it and and now he'll only stick around for awhile as long as it pleases him". This in contrast to apparently some grander scheme of him sticking around hoping to get sex until he gets tired of waiting, or something. Who knows, but all these rules are based on that.
candie13 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 it's not about rules, it's about chemistry. Sexual tension. you want to be building on that, because it's how you create the mystery around you. If you give in too easily, you risk to jeopardize the pleasure of the discovery, the conquest... it all becomes "normal", regular, no thrill. I think men (and women) love the thrill. so unless there's a great compatibility - not just sexual, I mean - by doing it too soon, you are literally blowing up all the smoke that's supposed to be around you.
outsidethebox Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It's a good thing women have to think that way. I don't think men could wrap their heads around that.
pbjbear Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 LOL @ women who think having sex with a man at a certain time period means anything My 2 best friends had sex with their girlfriends (one is engaged, the other will likely be married as well) on the first or second date and they're just crazy about each other. Plenty of people out there have waited 5 or 6 dates to have sex and nothing came out of it If you like each other, you like each other. I dunno too many guys who will turn a girl down because she had sex on the 3rd date, that's ridiculous Thats the exception to the rule. Exceptions exist, but for every case where this happens, there are 8 cases where a girl does this and the guy ISNT crazy for her and he uses her. I know people in relationships that started out as ONS and hookups. No way in hell do these numbers match the numbers of girls I know that have done this and gotten burned. Ive read alot of studies that look at how men view sex and most of them found putting out in the first 2 dates, 80% of men dont view her as gf material or take her seriously
Author Miss1122 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 He communicates with me everyday. Yesterday, he sent a text just to see what I was upto. We texted back and forth. We stopped because he had to play guitar with his friends. Then at night, he texted me again asking what I was doing. When I asked him about what he was upto, he said he was just at home thinking about me. The attention he's giving me is increasing. So I think I'm doing everything right.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Think too much and you are going to be the one to ruin it. He hasn't done anything wrong yet, and things are going well. Why over think it? 2
clia Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 He communicates with me everyday. Yesterday, he sent a text just to see what I was upto. We texted back and forth. We stopped because he had to play guitar with his friends. Then at night, he texted me again asking what I was doing. When I asked him about what he was upto, he said he was just at home thinking about me. The attention he's giving me is increasing. So I think I'm doing everything right. This is great! When is date four?
pbjbear Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 If hes acting great I wouldnt stress. Im just saying, a month is not long enough to know someone and theres no guarantees. But yeah, just be chill about it.
Author Miss1122 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 This is great! When is date four? That what worries me now, because he hasn't asked to see me again .
outsidethebox Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Think too much and you are going to be the one to ruin it. He hasn't done anything wrong yet, and things are going well. Why over think it? Can't +1 this enough.
outsidethebox Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 That what worries me now, because he hasn't asked to see me again . If he did, you'd have a bunch of people here saying he's too clingy and needy. He keeps touching base, he's getting feedback. Just enjoy. Be happy. Let him know you're happy in that way that people don't have to spell everything out and ruin it.
johan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Who in their right mind, gender aside, asks or demands exclusivity after the 3rd date?? Listen to what you're saying. If he wants a future with me... What future? You just met him for crying out loud. You have NO idea who he is or what he's about. It almost sounds like you are trying to screw yourself into something. Have sex whenever you want but just becuase you give it up doesn't mean you're entitled to being exclusive. There's no way to guarentee whether a mans gong to stick around but the longer you wait to have sex the better your chances. I don't really agree. What you're describing is maybe your standard, but it isn't everyone's. Once sex starts up, then exclusivity is an expectation of mine. It's not a commitment for the long term. It's a commitment that we're into each other, we've come this far, let's see where it goes. If I'm sleeping with a girl, then I don't date anyone else. And I expect that she'll do the same. It's a sort of mutual respect: I'm going to keep clean, minimize the risk to her, and make sure I'm not showing up smelling like some other girl's perfume. And also I'm turning off my phone and shutting down the dating sites. This is an unspoken expectation, because the women I date happen to hold this standard as well, and so we don't have to discuss it much. What is the difference between the two?? If you're both sexually exclusive than that is a relationship IMO. Maybe it is a relationship. In fact you have a relationship with everyone you interact with in life, so calling this a relationship isn't saying much. And all of those interactions have rules. Romantic relationships that are developing have different rules. I think this girl is the type who dates to be serious. And she wants to be with guys who date to be serious. It's not a crime. It's a matter of values or maybe it's just a dating style. Different from yours, but not inferior or wrong. The only remarkable thing to me is that you're acting incredulous, as if you can't comprehend what she's saying. Don't you have friends who date to be serious? And when they find someone they like they generally put their energy into that relationship to make sure they give it the best chance possible. They "tend the flame." As opposed to dating many people "waiting to see what lights up." 3
Author Miss1122 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 He initiates all the conversations. Should I text him first sometimes? I don't like initiating text to a guy but I want to make sure he knows I'm interested.
Divasu Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) So it's been a couple days since the third date? Too soon to draw a conclusion, I say. But, found a few articles you may find helpful IF, things drag on too long. Psych and the Single Girl: You Might Be A Texting Groupie If... He Calls and Texts But He Won?t Ask Me Out | Uber Articles Edited January 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed commercial URL
Author Miss1122 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 So it's been a couple days since the third date? Too soon to draw a conclusion, I say. But, found a few articles you may find helpful IF, things drag on too long. Psych and the Single Girl: You Might Be A Texting Groupie If... He Calls and Texts But He Won?t Ask Me Out | Uber Articles Hi, thanks for posting links. He text me yesterday. So far, everyday hes been texting me. He asked me to hang out lat night but it was already 9pm so I told him. It was late to do it and we could hang out another time. Like what I said before, the next time he asked me out, I would bring up the " no sex with other people" topic. So I did last night. I asked I'm if he's sleeping with other people. He said hes not. He asked me the same question. I told him no. Then I said " I don't feel comfortable sleeping with you again if your sleeping with other people". His reply was, " No I'm not. Really, you're the only one". I replied, " ok I expect you are not". He said " yes". He has a night out with his friends tonight so most likely I won't hear from him. He suggests that I should bring my single girl friends out one day to introduce to his single guy friends. So we will see. If he got scared about what I said then I wouldn't be hearing from him again. But atleast, I said what I wanted to say. Now, if we continue seeing each other, I would be comfortable because he agreed to not have sex with other people.
outsidethebox Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 well done, 1122. Good luck to you guys.
Author Miss1122 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 well done, 1122. Good luck to you guys. Thank you. I hope this will move forward because I do like him .
Divasu Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Hi, thanks for posting links. He text me yesterday. So far, everyday hes been texting me. He asked me to hang out lat night but it was already 9pm so I told him. It was late to do it and we could hang out another time. Like what I said before, the next time he asked me out, I would bring up the " no sex with other people" topic. So I did last night. I asked I'm if he's sleeping with other people. He said hes not. He asked me the same question. I told him no. Then I said " I don't feel comfortable sleeping with you again if your sleeping with other people". His reply was, " No I'm not. Really, you're the only one". I replied, " ok I expect you are not". He said " yes". Great. Sounds like you're both on the same page.
kaylan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Ive said it many times, but it bears repeating; the time at which you have sex has NOTHING to do with a guys decision to date you seriously or not. We know rather quickly what column a girl falls into. If a guy likes you a lot, 3rd date sex is the same to him as 3rd month sex. Just go with the flow and enjoy things for what they are.
veggirl Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Once sex starts up, then exclusivity is an expectation of mine. Which is fine, but but I assume you make that clear before sex? And that's the whole point here, OP fks the guy and then is like "oh s.hit but we gotta be exclusive". Appears it worked out so far for her in this situation cause the guy agreed he is on the same page but it would have been a WAY better idea for her to mention that before sex.
johan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I don't think it needs to be said ahead of time. I think most women have this expectation. Not all but most. Certainly the ones I date aren't the types to share a guy physically. I can't imagine dating a woman who would tolerate me sleeping with others after she and I have crossed that line. It's a given, not a surprise. And I really don't have much patience for a woman who "multi-dates". We aren't on the same page. 1
curlygirl40 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 OP I read your recent reply and it seems you've ironed everything out so you're good. Stop overthinking. You'll drive this guy away so fast. I do it too sometimes so I'm not judging. Just know that even if you think you try to keep these emotions to yourself, he will get the vibe if you're overthinking and worrying for nothing. Comes across clingy. And in the future, if you know that you won't sleep with someone before knowing that they aren't seeing other people, have this conversation BEFORE instead of after. If feel it's everyone's right to expect exclusivity once you become intimate, and sometimes it's a tough convo to have, but if it's important to you then you need to have it. If you're with someone who is not on the same page, better to find out before than after. Because as much as it's your right to expect exclusivity, it's in their right to say 'I'm not ready for that' but at least you know. Once you know it's headed in that direction, a simple 'once we start being intimate I will not be seeing other people and I expect the same in return' or 'I expect you will say the same?' or 'I hope you would say the same...' AND then you wait. Just wait to see what they say. I think both parties have this right if it's important to them. It's always funny to me that it's so easy for people to lay naked with people they barely know but it's so difficult to have this conversation. I have done it myself so I'm not judging, it's just perplexing when you really think about it. The guy I'm seeing now, we just had this conversation a couple of days ago. We've been out 7 ish times and I think the next time we have some privacy it's on. I would always rather a guy initiate this convo but he hadn't yet and I wasn't willing to sleep with him until he knew what my expectations were. So I gave him that same line and he quickly said 'absolutely. I am a one person at a time dater, I have already disabled my profile'. I told him that I wasn't ready to label anything but I wanted this discussion on the table. So now we've moved on from that and we both feel more secure in the fact that we will only see each other as we see where this is going to go. It doesn't have to be this long, drawn out, label things, are we boyfriend and girlfriend type of convo.
outsidethebox Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Which is fine, but but I assume you make that clear before sex? And that's the whole point here, OP fks the guy and then is like "oh s.hit but we gotta be exclusive". Appears it worked out so far for her in this situation cause the guy agreed he is on the same page but it would have been a WAY better idea for her to mention that before sex. no, it was like if we are going to keep doing this it's got to be exclusive. Exactly what any serious person would think. I know it's realistic that that discussion takes place before first sex but it doesn't seem very romantic to me, more like a business transaction.
SJC2008 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I don't really agree. What you're describing is maybe your standard, but it isn't everyone's. Once sex starts up, then exclusivity is an expectation of mine. It's not a commitment for the long term. It's a commitment that we're into each other, we've come this far, let's see where it goes. If I'm sleeping with a girl, then I don't date anyone else. And I expect that she'll do the same. It's a sort of mutual respect: I'm going to keep clean, minimize the risk to her, and make sure I'm not showing up smelling like some other girl's perfume. And also I'm turning off my phone and shutting down the dating sites. This is an unspoken expectation, because the women I date happen to hold this standard as well, and so we don't have to discuss it much. Maybe it is a relationship. In fact you have a relationship with everyone you interact with in life, so calling this a relationship isn't saying much. And all of those interactions have rules. Romantic relationships that are developing have different rules. I think this girl is the type who dates to be serious. And she wants to be with guys who date to be serious. It's not a crime. It's a matter of values or maybe it's just a dating style. Different from yours, but not inferior or wrong. The only remarkable thing to me is that you're acting incredulous, as if you can't comprehend what she's saying. Don't you have friends who date to be serious? And when they find someone they like they generally put their energy into that relationship to make sure they give it the best chance possible. They "tend the flame." As opposed to dating many people "waiting to see what lights up." I feel the same way but that's why I don't try to have sex right away. I don't want to sleep with a woman who's sleeping with other people. I told the last woman I draw the line with multi-dating at sex. TBS I'd still feel like I would be putting pressure on someone by asking for exclusivity before the month or two mark. And as we all know, pressure it the easiest way to ruin a courship. I know where she's coming from. She likes the guy and doesn't want him sleeping with someone else.
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