jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I feel a little egocentric for coming to all of you with this as it's not a debilitating issue, just something that has left me a little confused and bruised. For the past 4-5 months I have been dating casually, having finally come to terms with a break up I experienced at the beginning of 2012. Now, in the past I never really had a problem meeting interesting women and dating in hopes of developing something deeper and long-lasting... During this reintroduction to the dating world after moving on from a LTR, things have not gone so smoothly... For starters, during that time I went on multiple dates (4-10) with 3 different women. It all seems to start out perfectly, there's mutual attraction, good conversations, fun nights, etc. But all 3 women abruptly ended things with me, over text, no less. The explanations have varied a little bit (despite their consistent brevity) but a recurring theme is that I am nice/don't have enough "game." I've never been mistaken for a bad boy, but I feel like I do stand my ground... Nonetheless, it stings to be told on 3 separate occasions that you just don't bring enough rugged toughness... I like who I am, and have probably just crossed paths with the wrong women (for me). But is being the nice guy who actually values a good conversation a losing formula in today's fast-paced dating world for urban twenty-somethings? I just feel like all the things I grew up valuing in terms of my treatment of women has sort of amounted to nothing. This is basically a vent, just my opportunity to get this off my chest, but does anyone have any advice for how to weather this sort of thing where you begin to question your value? I mean, I'm going down a somewhat troubling path, starting to wonder if there's something wrong with the way I perform in bed to the way I open doors for dates... Either way, I'd love to hear from anyone going through or who has gone through this. Thanks!
Lani Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 The advice I can give you is to not change who you are, based on the last few dates you've been on. I know it's cliche, but there are girls who will love you for who you are, not who you think you should be. Be true to yourself. One way to appear tougher and more rugged is to grow a beard. Have you tried this?
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 The advice I can give you is to not change who you are, based on the last few dates you've been on. I know it's cliche, but there are girls who will love you for who you are, not who you think you should be. Be true to yourself. One way to appear tougher and more rugged is to grow a beard. Have you tried this? I'm trying to remind myself to remain steadfast in just being who I am, but some moments are easier than others. I actually have a beard, I don't know if my looks aren't rugged enough, I think it's my personality... But again, never felt the need to dominate or be dominated by anyone, I never thought of that as a mature dynamic for a relationship between adults, but maybe I've been wrong?
Lani Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 How old are you? I know it's tough to trust that who you are is enough, but if you are happy within yourself then it is.
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 How old are you? I know it's tough to trust that who you are is enough, but if you are happy within yourself then it is. I'm 24, but an old 24... have been on my own essentially since I was 16. I'm proud of the things I have done to be the person I am today, but these recent experiences have sort of upended my confidence romantically... like I'm condemned to being a casual dating partner to be dismissed before things get serious...
FitChick Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Maybe they are expecting you to be more sexually aggressive.
todreaminblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I feel a little egocentric for coming to all of you with this as it's not a debilitating issue, just something that has left me a little confused and bruised. For the past 4-5 months I have been dating casually, having finally come to terms with a break up I experienced at the beginning of 2012. Now, in the past I never really had a problem meeting interesting women and dating in hopes of developing something deeper and long-lasting... During this reintroduction to the dating world after moving on from a LTR, things have not gone so smoothly... For starters, during that time I went on multiple dates (4-10) with 3 different women. It all seems to start out perfectly, there's mutual attraction, good conversations, fun nights, etc. But all 3 women abruptly ended things with me, over text, no less. The explanations have varied a little bit (despite their consistent brevity) but a recurring theme is that I am nice/don't have enough "game." I've never been mistaken for a bad boy, but I feel like I do stand my ground... Nonetheless, it stings to be told on 3 separate occasions that you just don't bring enough rugged toughness... I like who I am, and have probably just crossed paths with the wrong women (for me). But is being the nice guy who actually values a good conversation a losing formula in today's fast-paced dating world for urban twenty-somethings? I just feel like all the things I grew up valuing in terms of my treatment of women has sort of amounted to nothing. This is basically a vent, just my opportunity to get this off my chest, but does anyone have any advice for how to weather this sort of thing where you begin to question your value? I mean, I'm going down a somewhat troubling path, starting to wonder if there's something wrong with the way I perform in bed to the way I open doors for dates... Either way, I'd love to hear from anyone going through or who has gone through this. Thanks! I dotn have a lack of confidence talking to men i am not attracted too, in fact i can hodl a conversation and keep it going, and those are the ones who do ask me on dates, when i am attracted to some one, i find it hard to relax,because there is emotional investment,i have to get some kind of balance happening... I am sorry that it hasnt progressed past three of four dates for you, HAVING GAME is not important in my books being sincere is, not trying to be anybody but who you are is refreshing...I think it is rude to end things over a text and I know a lot of women wouldn't i have to believe that.....a voice call if they cant face the person is more appropriate, the truth is also good, there was this really decent guy i was chatting too quite a few years ago,just after my break up i was still rather ill mentally and emotionally, my family was struggling,I knew he would be a serious relationship prospect,he was so sincere and just easy to talk too,just after i got his photo, and had arranged a coffee date with him, I had to tell him I couldn't meet him, I was messed up, he took it that it was the photo that put me off, it was in no way the photo, i had made a connection with him, he got upset with me and said it wasnt very nice that I was judgmental, I wasnt and i dont think he ever believed me , i was however telling him the truth I recently reactivated a profile i had up to see if i could find him again, the timing was out for me last time, unfortunately it wasnt meant to be because who i had talked to on the prifile was erased when i deactivated...... dont give up , you never know what may happen in the future, and there are women out there who do go for more than three or four dates before they make a decision, I don't feel connections with guys often and when i do i give it plenty of time to get to know that person...i am not extraordinary...i am an average woman...so never give up....heaps of average women out there....best wishes....deb
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Maybe they are expecting you to be more sexually aggressive. I'm starting to think the same thing... Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude, but I never felt comfortable forcing the issue from the very beginning. I don't typically have sex on the second, 3rd or even 4th date, and most women I meet seem to be on the same page... Part of the nagging self-confidence issue is that I did have sex pretty early, on (for me) the 4th date... I was aggressive, strong, and made sure I didn't hold back... still, right before the 6th date I got my "You're really nice but I don't think this is going to work" text. Every woman is different, but it kind of feels like a pretty rough stretch to face 3 consecutive abrupt dismissals from women I'm interested in.
Power Girl Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I feel a little egocentric for coming to all of you with this as it's not a debilitating issue, just something that has left me a little confused and bruised. For the past 4-5 months I have been dating casually, having finally come to terms with a break up I experienced at the beginning of 2012. Now, in the past I never really had a problem meeting interesting women and dating in hopes of developing something deeper and long-lasting... During this reintroduction to the dating world after moving on from a LTR, things have not gone so smoothly... For starters, during that time I went on multiple dates (4-10) with 3 different women. It all seems to start out perfectly, there's mutual attraction, good conversations, fun nights, etc. But all 3 women abruptly ended things with me, over text, no less. The explanations have varied a little bit (despite their consistent brevity) but a recurring theme is that I am nice/don't have enough "game." I've never been mistaken for a bad boy, but I feel like I do stand my ground... Nonetheless, it stings to be told on 3 separate occasions that you just don't bring enough rugged toughness... I like who I am, and have probably just crossed paths with the wrong women (for me). But is being the nice guy who actually values a good conversation a losing formula in today's fast-paced dating world for urban twenty-somethings? I just feel like all the things I grew up valuing in terms of my treatment of women has sort of amounted to nothing. This is basically a vent, just my opportunity to get this off my chest, but does anyone have any advice for how to weather this sort of thing where you begin to question your value? I mean, I'm going down a somewhat troubling path, starting to wonder if there's something wrong with the way I perform in bed to the way I open doors for dates... Either way, I'd love to hear from anyone going through or who has gone through this. Thanks! Like I said in my other topic "Women reject men over the smallest things". Just 1 screw up = GAME OVER!
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I dotn have a lack of confidence talking to men i am not attracted too, in fact i can hodl a conversation and keep it going, and those are the ones who do ask me on dates, when i am attracted to some one, i find it hard to relax,because there is emotional investment,i have to get some kind of balance happening... This is what I've been noticing... I used to think that when I clicked with a woman I just met and had these great, long conversations it could be the beginning of something promising and it often was (in the past). Lately, it seems like this conversational fluidity has been the kiss of death... Like the fact that we have a good time talking to each other disqualifies me as a romantic partner. It feels inverted and hurtful, but this might just be the case.
todreaminblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 This is what I've been noticing... I used to think that when I clicked with a woman I just met and had these great, long conversations it could be the beginning of something promising and it often was (in the past). Lately, it seems like this conversational fluidity has been the kiss of death... Like the fact that we have a good time talking to each other disqualifies me as a romantic partner. It feels inverted and hurtful, but this might just be the case. Well I have to disagree i think if you are fluid with someone it shouldn't disqualify you,makes it a lot easier to get to know a person nor should nerves, a lot of shyness dissipates once you desensitize to a person,sometimes that takes time.Disqualifying someone is normally an attraction thing in my opinion, disqualifying traits that if guys show me would be ...disrespect, ridicule, aggression,lack fo grooming and personal hygiene, looking women up and down while with me, drug use and alcohol,i am sensitive to these....I am sorry you feel that way abotu it inverting you....I am sure there are women out there into a good conversation and good company..i am one of many trust me..........best wishes in finding the right woman for you....deb
irc333 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I like who I am, and have probably just crossed paths with the wrong women (for me). But is being the nice guy who actually values a good conversation a losing formula in today's fast-paced dating world for urban twenty-somethings? Yes, esp. for the generation of 20-somethings, and probably won't get any better either. With the amount of apathy and people who simply are spoiled and get bored too easily, it's no wonder no one is wanting to nurture or take the time to get to know anyone.
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Well I have to disagree i think if you are fluid with someone it shouldn't disqualify you,makes it a lot easier to get to know a person nor should nerves, a lot of shyness dissipates once you desensitize to a person,sometimes that takes time.Disqualifying someone is normally an attraction thing in my opinion, disqualifying traits that if guys show me would be ...disrespect, ridicule, aggression,lack fo grooming and personal hygiene, looking women up and down while with me, drug use and alcohol,i am sensitive to these....I am sorry you feel that way abotu it inverting you....I am sure there are women out there into a good conversation and good company..i am one of many trust me..........best wishes in finding the right woman for you....deb It clearly is an attraction thing, to an extent... something about me just wasn't attractive enough to convince these 3 women to stick around longer. All I'm going off of are very short, insensitive texted remarks they sent to end things... and the noticeable thing was that they think I'm such a great, nice guy that they loved talking to, but that I'm not some sort of "alpha male" (in terms of personality). It's not something like hygiene or an issue of me taking care of my body, those aren't problems for me. I certainly never thought ALL WOMEN wanted that aggressive, rude jerk personality... Before these 3, my personality typically worked in my favor... I'm just starting to think that maybe in the past I met exceptional women and that for my demographic the brash "alpha male" is what women are responding to more. I know plenty of "alpha males" who wouldn't have been able to handle 5% of the stuff I've been through, but I guess internal fortitude and strength of character is much less important than being dismissive, arrogant and pressuring your date to sleep with you.
Author jonb26 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Yes, esp. for the generation of 20-somethings, and probably won't get any better either. With the amount of apathy and people who simply are spoiled and get bored too easily, it's no wonder no one is wanting to nurture or take the time to get to know anyone. Yeah, there's a lot of "entertain me, because I get bored easily and will never talk to you again if you don't instantly show me why you stand out." I think this is particularly true of people who live in large cities, there are just too many different types of potential partners for reasonably attractive people to choose from. It really is rougher than any job interview in the world to date in my city as a twenty-something... If they like your job, they might not like your place, if they like that they might not like your friends... It's bewildering because when I lost out on jobs in the past I kind of understood the adjustments I needed to make to be more successful. I feel now, unlike before, I have no idea how to adjust as someone out there trying to date and find a meaningful relationship.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I feel now, unlike before, I have no idea how to adjust as someone out there trying to date and find a meaningful relationship. This is exactly how I feel some days. Also, regarding your brashness/alphaness I think maybe these women you have dated go for the image of courage and strength. Not what you have deep down. Sometimes I feel like dating is like being a salesman. You have to be able to show your great qualities, and strengths somehow. If you just hope women will pick up on it you may be disappointed. Sometimes you just need to get lucky to meet the right girl too.
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