vincentvega Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Hi all. I'm a month into separating from my wife of 12 years and I'm finding it hard to cope. Our marriage had been struggling for sometime and was highlighted 2 years ago when I had an affair. It lasted a month and I came clean as it was a stupid thing to do. My wife decided to give the marriage A second chance and I vowed to change my ways. To start with it was fine. It as time went on I still felt guilt and she obviously had lost all trust in me. We gradually over the course of that time drifted apart. Just before Christmas we had a major argument and things descended into me suggesting it was time to call it a day. We agreed it was for the best. We have two beautiful kids and we decided to tell them a couple of days before new year that I was moving out. After making these decisions we spent Christmas talking like e haven't talked for years. Finally, some good old fashioned talks. There were laughs, tears, anger but all in all, I started to feel like there was hope. I understood where things had gone wrong and how I could resolve some of them. But by that time, my wife was adamant it was over. I moved out and over the first 2 weeks I was the typical wounded little soldier, finding any reason to contact her and spend time at the house. Pretty pathetic really! There was hope for a few days during this time but my wife finally said enough is enough and this is what has to happen. I've now vowed to give her space and I'm trying to step back and leave her be. I can pretend to be positive but inside I'm a wreck. I still love her and I miss her so much. But it's clear that she has been hurt too much. She can't ever seeing us being together again and she says sometimes things are just over. So, I know I have to move on but I can't stop thinking about her! Help!
Steen719 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I think you have some positive things here in that you admitted the affair without being caught, which indicates to me that you took responsibility for your actions, you both care about your children enough to discuss in mature conversations how to address telling them, you were able to sit down and actually talk and you still love her. It is impossible for us to know how she feels about you, but at this point, you can suggest that that you all separate instead of divorce, give her some time to miss you and then if she decides there is a chance for the two of you, suggest MC and offer to arrange it. I hope she is not at the point of no return and that you can save your marriage. Good luck.
ataloss8270 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I see many positive things as well. Like the fact she is still talking to you is a plus. My advise is to become the man you were when she first fell in love with you. Remember who you were and be that man when your around her and talk to her.
Author vincentvega Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I too saw some positives but I think I've blown it by showing how weak I can be from the last couple of weeks. Pretty much begged to be taken back. She also talks about how she starts thinking about being back together but then she feels weak and a big neon sign appears saying no, it's too dangerous. Added to the fact she just can't forgive the affair and has lost most of the respect she had for me. I just think it's too much. I'm trying so hard now not to contact her unless it's about the kids and when I do, I'm projecting a positive outlook for the future. It's hard but I know it's what I need to do. It's just hard at the minute. Most of my thoughts are about her and I can't seem to be able to eliminate all of the negative thoughts from my head. Where is she, what's she doing, is she with somebody etc... It's driving me mad! Thanks again. Talking really helps.
cheerfuldoer Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I too saw some positives but I think I've blown it by showing how weak I can be from the last couple of weeks. Pretty much begged to be taken back. She also talks about how she starts thinking about being back together but then she feels weak and a big neon sign appears saying no, it's too dangerous. Added to the fact she just can't forgive the affair and has lost most of the respect she had for me. I just think it's too much. I'm trying so hard now not to contact her unless it's about the kids and when I do, I'm projecting a positive outlook for the future. It's hard but I know it's what I need to do. It's just hard at the minute. Most of my thoughts are about her and I can't seem to be able to eliminate all of the negative thoughts from my head. Where is she, what's she doing, is she with somebody etc... It's driving me mad! Thanks again. Talking really helps. You are doing the right thing by giving your wife space. She's been through a lot, your affair most likely hurt her more than anything has ever hurt her. She needs time to decide what she wants to do with her life. She is probably finally getting some breathing room to see how things really feel to her. I don't know you, so all I can offer you is my suggestion. I say give her all the space you can, don't be hopeful about the future in a way where you're suggesting a future together. Your wife deserves this time to figure out what she needs without you making her feel guilty, especially if you are saying things to the kids about your future as a family. I'm not saying you're doing that, just make sure that you don't. If she decides to give your marriage another shot, then that's great. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder.
ataloss8270 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Believe me I understand that she's in every though. Mine is to, she only been out less that a month. But she's right you need to stop thinking your going to get back together. Even if you do reconcile, the best place for your mind to be is that your not. Stop talking to her about your relationship with her. All its doing right now is causing more problems, because as of right now all your doing is causing her to become negative towards you. Do not go NC with her if you want to save the relationship, let her start the conversations and just give her short but sweet answers. But always be happy and positive when your around her. Even if you don't feel it. No one wants to be around a negative person. Also agree with everything she says. She tells you she wants to be friends you say "OK if that's all we can be than that's fine with me". She tells you she wants a divorce you say "OK if that's what you want that's fine with me". She tells you she can never trust you again", once again agree. But agree with everything she says to you, happily, enthusiasticly, with a big smile. No one wants to be with a negative, sad person. Believe me it not only helps with you because your no longer trying to figure out ways to get her back. But it also stops all arguements, which is a plus. You may or may not work things out with her. And I can't promise this strategy will work for you. But it has help with my relationship with my W/STBXW (don't know where we're headed, but at least I'm not spinning my wheels anymore). But she actually likes to talk to me right now, and seems a little like she enjoys to see me the last few times I've seen her. But most of all right now enjoy your time alone. Go out and have fun when you can. Its the best thing you can do for yourself.
Author vincentvega Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Hey, Thanks again, this really helps. I know I need to move on with the attitude we will not get back together, it's finding the strength to do that! I'm sure it will come. I have been positive all week with her and that makes life easier, no more conversations about our relationship! Some friends of ours are having a party tomorrow, there will be alot of people there that we both know. I had written it off but she has asked me if I want to go so I can catch up with some of my friends? I'm really confused at this, especially since she wants space. Our kids will be there and I guess it will be nice for them and she has said it would be good to know we can be around each other in a social setting. I'm just unsure if it's the right thing for me to do. Should I decline and say I think it's too soon and we are supposed to be separated? or do I go and try to be strong and put a brave face on it? I'm not convinced I should go. suggestions really welcome!
ataloss8270 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Once again she invited you to go, agree! Go have a great time there. Theres nothing wrong with going and having fun with friends. And it will be good for your kids to have the two of you together for an outing. If she not pushing the big D yet, then your in a better position that most of us here. There really is no terms about what you can and can't do during a separation, unless the 2 of you set up guidelines.
Author vincentvega Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I'd like to go but I'm scared I'll lose perspective and ruin this past week of being strong. The thought of being around her and not being able to touch her really turns my stomach. It's really difficult, especially when she displays such a positive outlook. I don't know. It's really hard to decide what to do for the best. If I go I run the risk of smothering her and if I don't, I'll regret not being able to show how much fun I can be!
cheerfuldoer Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'd like to go but I'm scared I'll lose perspective and ruin this past week of being strong. The thought of being around her and not being able to touch her really turns my stomach. It's really difficult, especially when she displays such a positive outlook. I don't know. It's really hard to decide what to do for the best. If I go I run the risk of smothering her and if I don't, I'll regret not being able to show how much fun I can be! Whatever you do, it has to be genuine. If you go, it needs to be to see your friends and no other reason. You can't be someone different than who you are to win her back, because if you get back together, she needs to get back with the real you, not who you think she wants. It almost seems like you are more afraid of losing her than you want her back. I'm being blunt, but you massively screwed up with the affair, it's totally up to her. I hope for the best for you and your family. 1
ataloss8270 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Whatever you do, it has to be genuine. If you go, it needs to be to see your friends and no other reason. You can't be someone different than who you are to win her back, because if you get back together, she needs to get back with the real you, not who you think she wants. It almost seems like you are more afraid of losing her than you want her back. I'm being blunt, but you massively screwed up with the affair, it's totally up to her. I hope for the best for you and your family. I agree with this, you need to just go and be yourself.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'd like to go but I'm scared I'll lose perspective and ruin this past week of being strong. The thought of being around her and not being able to touch her really turns my stomach. It's really difficult, especially when she displays such a positive outlook. I don't know. It's really hard to decide what to do for the best. If I go I run the risk of smothering her and if I don't, I'll regret not being able to show how much fun I can be! Hi vincentvega. What a pickle your in!! OK, firstly, i`ll ask has SHE forgiven you for the affair you had? or does she bring it up everytime you argue? 2nd, what was the argument about the last time when you decided enough was enough? I agree with the others. You should go. She`s asked you to go with her. Also something else i need to ask you if i may? Why the hell did you move out? From what you`ve put so far, your marriage is `fixable` if you want it. Keep posting aM
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