Children

January 23, 2013

A lot of the time, children are overlooked when someone enters into/has an affair. Not only are BS' lives changed, but the children's lives are too!

After reading a thread that mentioned how the BS' children reacted to the news of their parent's affair/being a WS, I wanted to know:

Did you tell your kids?

How did your children react to the news? Did their behavior change?

Has their relationship with their parent-WS changed? How do they feel about the WS? Or, in cases where parents have split and an OW is in their lives, how do they feel? Are they still angry, have they forgiven their parent (if that's the word), etc?

I guess I'm just curious to know. Sorry if this thread has already been made!

Thanks to any willing to offer insight!

January 24, 2013

We did tell our children.

We had consulted with professionals about it, and for our situation, it was the correct decision.

It was a relief to them. We had a horrendous 9 month false recovery- and my spouse's behavior was erratic and confusing. My kids were upset and bewildered frequently.

Telling them helped them.

Now? Years later? And with some help along the way? It's much better. The kids and my spouse have a very good relationship. They have watched us repair our relationship, and we have learned to come together as a family. My kids knew something was wrong during the end part of the affair. The dynamic in the house had shifted. They were trying to fill in the blanks. My spouse had also taken 3 of my 4 kids to meet the OW and lied about who she was. It was a mess.

I used to take a harder line that all kids should be told. I am now ( BetrayedH- be proud of me) of a calmer response that kids should be told if the situation warrants it, and the good will outweigh the bad. And that for the most part- only the people involved in that situation can make that determination. I never ever feel the parents should lie to their kids if asked directly, though .

January 24, 2013

We did tell our children.

We had consulted with professionals about it, and for our situation, it was the correct decision.

It was a relief to them. We had a horrendous 9 month false recovery- and my spouse's behavior was erratic and confusing. My kids were upset and bewildered frequently.

Telling them helped them.

Now? Years later? And with some help along the way? It's much better. The kids and my spouse have a very good relationship. They have watched us repair our relationship, and we have learned to come together as a family. My kids knew something was wrong during the end part of the affair. The dynamic in the house had shifted. They were trying to fill in the blanks. My spouse had also taken 3 of my 4 kids to meet the OW and lied about who she was. It was a mess.

I used to take a harder line that all kids should be told. I am now ( BetrayedH- be proud of me) of a calmer response that kids should be told if the situation warrants it, and the good will outweigh the bad. And that for the most part- only the people involved in that situation can make that determination. I never ever feel the parents should lie to their kids if asked directly, though .

Thank you for replying! I don't know why I was so curious to hear different posters own experiences with this (I never got to the point of having children with my ex... one day, though!)

But I appreciate you sharing that. I am so happy that you all have a good relationship now!

January 24, 2013

We have four teens and they all know. My oldest was sitting with him when I found the evidence and confronted him. (Yes, I know. I should not have done it with her sitting there, but I was not thinking clearly). Unknown to me, one of my sons overheard a phone conversation that I had with my sister a few months later and told the other two that "dad has a girlfriend". For two months, these three children held that information to themselves. I was devastated to learn that they knew and had been crying to themselves in their bedrooms.

My children had to see me go from high energy to barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. My crying made them cry, so I had to hide when I cried. My one daughter would search for me so she could hug me while I cried.

I would say that ALL of them have lost some respect for their father. They love him, but they don't like him much right now. My daughters have both commented that they don't even know who he is right now. I am giving him a lot of space to repair his relationship with his children, but he isn't really doing much with it. He stills claims that his affair had nothing to do with the kids - the kids will all say differently. I am filing for divorce and they are devastated. All of them were straight-A students who test in the top 1-2% on college/standardized testing. They all have significant scholarships for school. Now, their grades have all slipped and they are all oversleeping. They have a difficult time getting motivated. I am finding an IC for them, but they are resistant to this. When my one daughter can't find my H in the house, she goes looking for him, panicked that she will find him talking to the OW.

As far as the OW goes, my H says that he has no contact with her, but who really knows. My daughters told him that they would never, ever meet "his sl*t". One daughter told him that he would never get the chance to walk her down the aisle.

I am heartbroken by what he did to me, but I HATE him for what he did to my children.

To all the snarky OWs who will read this and insist that they have no responsibility for the fallout, know that YOU contributed to doing this to innocent children. As you gloat that you "won" your MM because "you are so wonderful, blah, blah, blah", know that some beautiful child's heart is breaking.

Edited January 24, 2013 by buckeyeblue
Edited to correct.

January 24, 2013

We have four teens and they all know. My oldest was sitting with him when I found the evidence and confronted him. (Yes, I know. I should not have done it with her sitting there, but I was not thinking clearly). Unknown to me, one of my sons overheard a phone conversation that I had with my sister a few months later and told the other two that "dad has a girlfriend". For two months, these three children held that information to themselves. I was devastated to learn that they knew and had been crying to themselves in their bedrooms.

My children had to see me go from high energy to barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. My crying made them cry, so I had to hide when I cried. My one daughter would search for me so she could hug me while I cried.

I would say that ALL of them have lost some respect for their father. They love him, but they don't like him much right now. My daughters have both commented that they don't even know who he is right now. I am giving him a lot of space to repair his relationship with his children, but he isn't really doing much with it. He stills claims that his affair had nothing to do with the kids - the kids will all say differently. I am filing for divorce and they are devastated. All of them were straight-A students who test in the top 1-2% on college/standardized testing. They all have significant scholarships for school. Now, their grades have all slipped and they are all oversleeping. They have a difficult time getting motivated. I am finding an IC for them, but they are resistant to this. When my one daughter can't find my H in the house, she goes looking for him, panicked that she will find him talking to the OW.

As far as the OW goes, my H says that he has no contact with her, but who really knows. My daughters told him that they would never, ever meet "his sl*t". One daughter told him that he would never get the chance to walk her down the aisle.

I am heartbroken by what he did to me, but I HATE him for what he did to my children.

To all the snarky WSs who will read this and insist that they have no responsibility for the fallout, know that YOU contributed to doing this to innocent children. As you gloat that you "won" your MM because "you are so wonderful, blah, blah, blah", know that some beautiful child's heart is breaking.

I wish I could hug you. And not just because I am a buckeye by birth and Blue by choice.

And you're right. The children get harmed . They do. It pulls the whole family down.

My husband wouldn't tell our eldest daughter the OW's name but he took her shopping where she worked. My daughter was confused and anxious and torn up inside- and scared to tell me.

Seriously. I just will never ever understand the people who don't see the impact. Families are woven together. The members are interconnected.

January 24, 2013

I wish I could hug you

Thanks, Decorative. I wish you could hug me, too. I have been crying a lot today - I didn't get much work done.

January 24, 2013

Thanks, Decorative. I wish you could hug me, too. I have been crying a lot today - I didn't get much work done.

Let it all out. This just sucks. It does.

January 24, 2013

(BH slinks away, refusing to touch this topic with a ten-foot pole.)

The one thing I learned after a very contentious thread on this topic is that everybody sure as hell is glad nobody else is making decisions about their kids for them.

January 24, 2013

(BH slinks away, refusing to touch this topic with a ten-foot pole.)

The one thing I learned after a very contentious thread on this topic is that everybody sure as hell is glad nobody else is making decisions about their kids for them.

Didja see I gave you props up above? LOL

January 24, 2013

I would say that ALL of them have lost some respect for their father. They love him, but they don't like him much right now. My daughters have both commented that they don't even know who he is right now. I am giving him a lot of space to repair his relationship with his children, but he isn't really doing much with it. He stills claims that his affair had nothing to do with the kids - the kids will all say differently.

I'm really sorry for your pain. It sounds like he really is not remorseful and/or is in a lot of denial, or he would start to see that he really has hurt his children. Hopefully he will wake up soon to the full picture of how pervasive the damage is. It's too bad he can't see what the kids already see!

January 24, 2013

No I did not tell the kids. We decided to reconcile and I felt it was none of their business. We also do not argue about it in front of the kids either. When the time comes if they need advice in their own marriage we will talk about it. But for now they are in an innocent part of their lives and I don't need to mess that up. Also, he is a great dad.

January 24, 2013

We have four teens and they all know. My oldest was sitting with him when I found the evidence and confronted him. (Yes, I know. I should not have done it with her sitting there, but I was not thinking clearly). Unknown to me, one of my sons overheard a phone conversation that I had with my sister a few months later and told the other two that "dad has a girlfriend". For two months, these three children held that information to themselves. I was devastated to learn that they knew and had been crying to themselves in their bedrooms.

My children had to see me go from high energy to barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. My crying made them cry, so I had to hide when I cried. My one daughter would search for me so she could hug me while I cried.

I would say that ALL of them have lost some respect for their father. They love him, but they don't like him much right now. My daughters have both commented that they don't even know who he is right now. I am giving him a lot of space to repair his relationship with his children, but he isn't really doing much with it. He stills claims that his affair had nothing to do with the kids - the kids will all say differently. I am filing for divorce and they are devastated. All of them were straight-A students who test in the top 1-2% on college/standardized testing. They all have significant scholarships for school. Now, their grades have all slipped and they are all oversleeping. They have a difficult time getting motivated. I am finding an IC for them, but they are resistant to this. When my one daughter can't find my H in the house, she goes looking for him, panicked that she will find him talking to the OW.

As far as the OW goes, my H says that he has no contact with her, but who really knows. My daughters told him that they would never, ever meet "his sl*t". One daughter told him that he would never get the chance to walk her down the aisle.

I am heartbroken by what he did to me, but I HATE him for what he did to my children.

To all the snarky OWs who will read this and insist that they have no responsibility for the fallout, know that YOU contributed to doing this to innocent children. As you gloat that you "won" your MM because "you are so wonderful, blah, blah, blah", know that some beautiful child's heart is breaking.

My children knew before I did. They kept from me for fear of what I might do. The relationship is better with them and Mr. Messy....I think. I had to separate my oldest from whipping his azz for making they younger one cry. They are not a fan of OW...no shock there. IC was a godsend. Here as a link to a similar discussion.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/338929-child-s-view-infidelity

January 24, 2013

Is this a bad thread topic to have? Sorry, if it is y'all!

January 24, 2013

My kids don't know. Yet. We are still planning what to say about the separation, and I suggested that we tell them. My h does not think it is necessary to go into all of the details and that it is our business. Since my oldest boy is 14 I'm sure they are going to ask questions about why Mom and Dad are breaking up. Of course, they've lived here the whole time so they have had a front row seat to some dysfunction.

I'm not going to lie- one thing that helped pop the bubble of my fantasy that I had about running off into the sunset with OM was the idea that my kids would hate me (and him) forever.

January 24, 2013

Personally....if you can both agree to keep your mouths shut about the affair, then don't tell them. It is hard enough for them to not take sides, but they will lose all respect for you should they know. Ecspecially your son.

January 24, 2013

my children were young adults when DDay hit. My son, the youngest was graduating H'S and entering college in one month.

here is the truth of it. My children suspected waaaaay before I did that dad was having an affair but NEVER compared notes until after DDay, because they never wanted me, mommy, to be hurt or to air their suspicions to each other. Imagine that?

I NEVER intended to tell them but my oldest daughter intuited it when she saw me crying and packing a bag to leave after we had returned from an extended family vacation where I had discovered the text that would forever change m y life. She realized there is only one reason Mom is a mess, and when she confronted me, I did not have the strength to lie.

It was a nightmare. I threw him out to go be with his soulmate while trying to shore up my children while having a breakdown of sorts.

Told them that no matter what happened to our marriage, they were not to blame and they were not to ever be a pawn. That if that is the woman he chose to spend his life with they were never to disrespect her and he deserved happiness in his life too.

I raised them to be better than that. Picking sides is not what I wanted.

he demanded a sit down with him and they were angry. I was not there.

They wanted to know why he did not separate from me and tell me the truth. My oldest had choice words about his OW. My middle child daughter told him, you are exactly the type of man you warned me to avoid. (ouch!) and my son was a puddle of tears.

He, in his post affair delusion, thought initially, that it was a set up by me! I had NOTHING to do with it!

My oldest pushed for reconciliation. My middle daughter pushed for divorce. My son... Talked to me about all the temptation he revisited in college ( he had a steady girl) because he did not want to be that guy.....the man his father was. I worry the most about him.

We all went to counseling. I PRAY they are okay. Who knows what the future will bring? Time will tell.

January 24, 2013

I used to take a harder line that all kids should be told. I am now ( BetrayedH- be proud of me) of a calmer response that kids should be told if the situation warrants it, and the good will outweigh the bad. And that for the most part- only the people involved in that situation can make that determination. I never ever feel the parents should lie to their kids if asked directly, though .

Ha, ha. I was afraid to open this thread, let alone read your response.

I think your choice was the right one in your situation. In mine, my kids had no clue about the infidelity (or that we even had a problem for that matter). They are young and I'm not convinced that it's best for them to know. They don't ask questions (except about if I am marrying my new GF - they like her kids and vice versa - geesh). My son is 10 and I have a feeling that he may ask questions someday; if so, I will answer them. My daughter is 6 and is a happy-go-lucky little thing. By the time she's old enough to really ask, I have a feeling that it will be pretty irrelevant to her. My kids were instilled with a sense of safety and security over the divorce (no one's fault, it's not their fault, both parents still love you, you'll still routinely spend time with both parents, we live close so that both can pick-up/drop-off like normal, the adults have a plan and it's going to be ok). Before 10 minutes were up, they were back to video games with a reminder that we both would still be all over them about homework. It allowed them to go back to being kids and trust that the adults have got this. We've been separated for over a year now without any kid drama and both are A/B students.

Trust me Decorative, the last thing I wanted to teach my kids was that marriage is disposable and I sure as hell hate lying to them to teach that lesson. But it works for us. I hope the right age-appropriate words come to me at the right time. In the meantime, I'm teaching them both plenty of lessons about ethical behavior. I'm proud of your softened position and I still question my own. So now I guess we'll have nothing to disagree about. What a relief.

January 24, 2013

My SO told the kids. I figured he would BUT how he did it hurt them even more I think. The oldest one, my daughter, who already didn't have the best relationship because of past issues they had was told "your mother is a whore whose been f**cking ***** ( she knew who xMM was because he and I worked together). My middle child was told I'd been sleeping with another man doing things no woman should do except with her H. My baby was told "I'm drinking so much because your mom had sex with some other man". Their ages are 21, 12 and 11.

The kids do look at me differently but the way he told them has built a wall between he and them.

There were a couple times in their lives that daddy wasn't around and I shielded them (I don't know to this day if It was the right thing to do or not) but I now realize they remembered more than I thought. But the middle one commented to me that he knew I had never said anything bad about their daddy (which they had over time figured out some of what was going on back then) and then their daddy had no issues talking bad about me to them.

I think it's up to Everyone to decide in their own situation. But if it's decided that the kids will be told, hopefully it's better than it was in my situation

January 24, 2013

My d-day happened when both of our kids were very young. No, they were not told. My H totally changed and recommitted himself after d-day, and has never made me sorry I gave him the chance to change.

However, after my grown D's H left her for his OW, I broke down and told her what had happened to us when they were little. My son still doesn't know and unless something like this happens in his marriage, I will not tell him.

(he and my H have always butted heads, as they have totally different personalities)

January 24, 2013

It's funny how they do not think of their children.

The OM's children in my situation found out from their mother, and flipped. The daughter tried to kill herself, and his eldest son has pulled his application out of the firehall I work at (as he wanted to be a firefighter).

But none of that mattered while my wife and the OM were enjoying their double life.

I can remember when I last talked to the OM, he specifically asked me to keep his kids out of this. I was tempted to be the one to tell them, to show them all the text messages, emails, skype videos and pictures.

But it looks like the mother beat me to it, so now OM has to deal with a family who despises him, and more so, has to deal with a daughter who is mentally unstable now. Wonder how that looks on him.

January 24, 2013

I get not telling the kids when they are young, but I definitely think that they should know when they are old enough to have their own relationships - not to "villianize" the cheater, but to put your kids on notice that they have to protect their relationships.

My FIL cheated on my MIL as least twice that they know of. The second time occurred about a few months into my marriage. My FIL almost left my MIL for the OW. They reconciled and my MIL never discussed the issue with her kids. She hid her pain and rugswept, in a major way.

After my d-day (and after learning that my H's sister was also cheated on) I told my MIL that I wished that she had shared her pain with her children. Maybe if my H had known how much pain she had suffered, he would not have done the same to me. Instead, my H believes that I should just rugsweep like his mother. In his mind, she is the one who is handling it "well" and I am just "crazy". Funny thing is that my MIL told me that even now - 20 years after d-day - she still cries and lashes out at my FIL sometimes. She never healed.

Edited January 24, 2013 by buckeyeblue
edited for spelling

January 24, 2013

In his mind, she is the one who is handling it "well" and I am just "crazy". Funny thing is that my MIL told me that even now - 20 years after d-day - she still cries and lashes out at my FIL sometimes. She never healed.

Do you know, I am not sure if anyone can completely 'heal'. My granny died in 1981 and mum missed her so much. Even now she can, out of the blue, cry and talk for hours about her mum. Some things leave wounds that don't heal - I think that's normal. It's part of being human.

We didn't tell the children. I don't think we handled it well tbh but it was such a shock. I didn't know what to tell myself let alone them! They are 9, 13 and 15. They have all heard something, some rows and yelling, they have seen me crying. I hate myself for it. But I make sure they see us being loving to each other as much as possible, and they are given lots of love and affection themselves. Maybe one day when I know what the f*ck is going on myself, I'l tell them.

January 24, 2013

A lot of the time, children are overlooked when someone enters into/has an affair. Not only are BS' lives changed, but the children's lives are too!

After reading a thread that mentioned how the BS' children reacted to the news of their parent's affair/being a WS, I wanted to know:

Did you tell your kids?

How did your children react to the news? Did their behavior change?

Has their relationship with their parent-WS changed? How do they feel about the WS? Or, in cases where parents have split and an OW is in their lives, how do they feel? Are they still angry, have they forgiven their parent (if that's the word), etc?

I guess I'm just curious to know. Sorry if this thread has already been made!

Thanks to any willing to offer insight!

He told his kids, in fact before he told the BW. He explained that he was in love with me, and planned to leave her as soon as he could find somewhere suitable to live, and told them that this was because his R with their mother had failed, it had nothing to do with them, that he loved them very much and that they would be welcome to live with him / us if they preferred, which they did. He also to.d them that he had not told her at that stage, but that he was planning on doing so when safe conditions presented themselves, but that it was not a secret and they should not feel they have to keep quiet about it or that they have to tell. They should simply do what they felt most comfortable with. He suggested family counselling to deal with the split, which they agreed to, although the BW refused to participate when approached, so just he and the kids went.

They did not feel angry with him, they understood as they had lived through it all and they had seen how the previous "reconciliation" had failed. They were very welcoming to me, though they had some serious anger issues toward her and it took a while before they were willing to spend time with her.

January 24, 2013

A lot of the time, children are overlooked when someone enters into/has an affair. Not only are BS' lives changed, but the children's lives are too!

No kidding. I sure as hell didn't get my every little need met in my marriage, and you didn't see me going out and screwing other women. I wouldn't have no matter what, and my kids are just another reason why I wouldn't ever. Last thing I'd ever do is anything that uproots their life.

After reading a thread that mentioned how the BS' children reacted to the news of their parent's affair/being a WS, I wanted to know:

Did you tell your kids?

As a BS we both sat down with them and explained it. They were young, but it really didn't set in until after about my 2nd weekend visitation where my oldest didn't want to go home to his mother and cried uncontrollably.

Never would I burden them with the information that their mother was a cheating wh0re, but when they get older, and only if they ask, they will get the truth from me.

How did your children react to the news? Did their behavior change?

In the beginning, my oldest didn't handle it well. He was 7 at the time. But now he is use to it and my youngest never new anything different.

Has their relationship with their parent-WS changed?

No, but only because they don't know the truth of what she is.

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