drews14 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 my suitation: i was dating this girl for about 2ys, she was an old flames ,we lost contact, i got into my last relationship and she was single. we started to hang out and realized we still had feelings for each. Over 2011 progress i was dealing with getting over my previous relationship. At times i would push the new girl away. She would fight for us to be together, and she would put in so much effort to show me how a healthy functioning relationship should be. so after me pushing her away and then making up in 2011, 2012 spring i became serious with her. Around July i made it offical with her, things were going well but i would still take her for granted at times when she would want to hang out or do things. Shes a very healthy person and likes to take care of her self, in September she found out she caught HPV from me. i was unaware i had it. Since i was met the new girl in 11' i havent been with anyone else sexually. this was the beginning of the end, at first she understood i didnt know i had it and it was a mistake. but as time progress the fighting became more constant, he reason being is that she has a family history of cervical cancer. By habing Hpv it increases her chances. As of right now she doesnt have any traces of this. the fights become more and more we brake up in october. we still are exclusive to each other but she doesnt want a title. As more time progress the fights become worse, we fight over stupid things, we both dont let things go and escalate stupid arguments. No things have gotton bad i thing she resents me. she blames me all the time for alot of things. I try to be positive and take blame but it gets over whelm, i feel like the power has been shifted into her court and she is taking advantage of it becuase she knows i want to be with her no matter what. In the end we want the same thing to be with each other, but she cannot "be ok" until this std is gone from her system, she says she feels like a bad/ disgusting person, which i assure her she isnt. She says she doesn't want be with me until its gone. at first i didnt mind, but then she became more distant, i was less and less in her life, now we barely talk evey day. I fight with her to "get over it" and be with me so we can deal with this together. but with the combinations of the small fights, resentment, and this burden she doesnt give in at all. i try to giver her space but ither i end up talking to her or she comes back to start talking to me. I just want us to be ok again. I messed up in the past and i cant change that, but i have changed and showed her im sorry, i try to be understanding and sensitive but im only human. Am i asking for to much. what should i do????
flitzanu Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 you can't force her to change her mind, and you can't force her to just "be ok" with things. either you give her time to work through it and treat you like crap as she is doing, or you tell her you've had enough and you leave.
Chi townD Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Well, even though you didn't know it at the time. You threatened her health. You made her sick. And she's having a hard time getting past that. That's a hang up that she's having and that's always being that little voice in her head that she's having a hard time getting rid of.
Author drews14 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks for the input, any others will be appreciated.
Author drews14 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 i havnt been giving her space, it bothers me me our situation of not being together, i bothers me that we not the ok, that we cant talk without fighting, also it bothers me that she doesnt seem to care to hit me up. It drives me crazy. my mind wonders and thinks the worse, i feel a big uneasiness in my chest, i feel like the only time i get some kind of peace is if i take to her, which isnt good. she says the same thing, she needs time to get over this, she said she feels disgusting, because of the what i gave her. she is always mad at me, when i just want to talk to her and she how she is doing. it also bothers me that is so easy for here to stay away from me, and that shes ok being around her friends and just acting normal, when im here broken up and cant bear to be around people because all i do is thing about our suitation. im afraid of losing her to another guy and im afraid of her losing interested in me as time passes. we've been together on and off for 2yr and know each other for 6yrs i feel like she may of hit the breaking point. i need to giver her space but i feel so horrible inside i keep relapsing and contacting her.. i dont know how to get through this. i know if she is to move on its is what it is and i cant make someone love me. but getting myself to accept it and stop thinking so much about her is my big problem, cant even occupy my time because she comes into my mind and messes me up. SOMONE PLEASE HELP
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Okay...it's obvious that the situation is driving you nuts. So, I would give it one more conversation and tell her either sh*t or get off the pot. Either you two are going to be together and work things out or you two are just going to part ways. It's not fair to be strung along like this. (And, to be honest, it sounds like she already has one foot out the door anyway. So, don't get your hopes up for a positive answer from her.) If she decides to part ways. Then, you need to do a hard NC, heal and move on.
Author drews14 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 she has been consistent saying that she still has feelings for me, she still loves me, and she wants to be with me but not now because she needs to get past this. i can understand that but her actions seem completly different , if you say you love someone how can you ignore and be heartless to them? how can she just carry on like eveything is fine, how can she be so good at not showing that this effects her. in the past she was the one to always feel bad and try to make up within a day, now she doesn't budge. shes just so angry at me, i feel like that anger will make her forget the good that we have and in time will make her forget me and move on.
KatZee Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Seems she's mad at you for one thing really... giving her HPV. Personally, I think she's making mountains of mole hills. She should really go to the gynecologist and have a discussion b/c HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection (STI) in the United States. About 20 million Americans ages 15 to 49 currently have HPV. And at least half of all sexually active men and women get genital HPV at some time in their lives. There are over 100 strains of HPV. Some are high-risk strains (which can lead to cervical cancer) and others are low-risk which would cause an outbreak of warts. Think of HPV as a "cold" of the vagina. The body detects the HPV, the immune system rushes to the front lines and wipes it out. Majority of people aren't even aware they've contracted HPV. The body just takes care of it. If she IS one of the folk that have the wart outbreak, there are treatments for them to prevent them from ever coming back. Since she is aware she has a family history of cervical cancer, she should be smart enough to be getting annual pap-smears. That will ensure early detection should anything arise, and with early detection cervical cancer has a 92% survival rate. There are also other things that contribute to cervical cancer, not just HPV. If you had given her HIV, or Herpes, or some other incurable and destructive disease, I would understand her anger at you. But if the only thing she ever has in her lifetime is HPV she's FINE. So stop feeling guilty about this. If she's not against vaccines they also make an HPV vaccine. Gardasil or Cervarix. Both protect girls and young women against the types of HPV that cause most cervical cancers. I myself did the Gardasil shots.
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 To be honest? I think she's trying to do that right now. She weaning herself off of you. Slowing losing contact, filling her life up with other things, events and other people while you wait on the sidelines. How is that fair to you? 1
Samilia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Reading your post reminds me why I get tested for STDs every year... have you contacted the ex? We can always play the game that you should both have been tested before having sex, and you're not the only one responsible, but honestly, I'd be mad too. Anyway, like Flit said, you can either suck it up or end it. If we set the STD problem aside, I'd probably say to get some distance to figure things out. What's done is done, she either forgives or moves on. You can apologize so many times. I assume you were sincere and didn't dismiss the problem under the rug. So in a nutshell, I'd give a lot of space.
KatZee Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 The thing that you can't change tho is the fact that you're a carrier of HPV. There is no test, and there is no vaccine for males. If she can't get past this, it's probably best you two just part ways now. You will never NOT have HPV.
Author drews14 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Thanks for the insight, she knows all the outcome as we both looked into this, but i feel also like shes making this bigger but its her body and i respect how she feels, i cant control that. she is taking precautions and going for regular check ups, shes having "rashes" or outbreaks ( she doesn't go into detail with me) and she feels bad about here self like shes a bad person or a "dirty person" for contracting this. the whole hpv thing i understand, im supportive, im willing to work thru it with her. but she resents me and she feels like shes a bad person for contracting a std. i know with the main cause of our problems is me giving her this. it lead to fighting, and both of us becoming insecure about each other ( me more). I started to look way to much into little things ( male friends) and i because insecure because i know i messed up and i know she has the right to move on. this caused more issues and the fighting got worse until were we are now, no contact. i just dont know if we can ever come back from this in her eyes. i love her i believe in fighting for someone whos worth it, and i have been but she seems to stop fighting as of recently and let her anger consume her. now once the anger goes away i dont know whats will happen, my worst case scenario, im afraid and will be very angry and disappointed if i give her time and i wait around and expect to get through this and then she has a change of heart and ither gets with someone else or doesn't see me like that anymore.
Samilia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 The thing that you can't change tho is the fact that you're a carrier of HPV. There is no test, and there is no vaccine for males. If she can't get past this, it's probably best you two just part ways now. You will never NOT have HPV. It's true that without any signs, hard to tell. Maybe she had it first
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 And how does she know that YOU gave it to her? She could have been a carrier for years and not know it. There's a possibility that she gave the strain to YOU. And just because you came up positive, she just automatically assumed it was you? She could have been the one and just been asymptomatic.
Author drews14 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 from what she tells me she gets tested every year, last time she was tested in 2011 before we started to date she was clean, when she got tested in 2012 she had hpv, she was only seeing me at that time ( i believe her)
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Or maybe you shouldn't believe her? Maybe that's why she can't stand to be with you right now because she feels guilty? There's so many directions that you can look at this. But, Let me ask you this. Have you had an HPV otbreak since you've been with her? Because, you made it sound like you never knew and never had any problems before this.
KatZee Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Or maybe you shouldn't believe her? Maybe that's why she can't stand to be with you right now because she feels guilty? There's so many directions that you can look at this. But, Let me ask you this. Have you had an HPV otbreak since you've been with her? Because, you made it sound like you never knew and never had any problems before this. Not all carriers of HPV have outbreaks. So to use that as a sign of who had it first is completely inaccurate.
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) True, but more males are symptomatic for HPV (or any other STD for that matter)than females are. That's why they stress that it's important for women to get there annual paps done. So, the Doc can come back and say, "We didn't find any precancerous cells, but guess what we DID find!" Look, the point I'm getting at is he's beating himself up for thinking that he passed HPV onto her. And maybe he did! Then again...maybe he didn't. Too many "what ifs" to get a difinitive answer. What if he has HPV 16 and she has HPV 18? Edited January 30, 2013 by Chi townD
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