tuxedo cat Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I'm concerned that my new boyfriend may be a secret alcoholic but I'm not positive. If he is, he hides it from me as he never drinks to excess when we're together. For people who have dated alcoholics what are some of the warning signs I should be aware of? Clearly if he's an alcoholic I'll have to break up with him but how can I be sure? What has me concerned -- 1) I sometimes swear I smell booze on him but it's possible it's some sort of after shave. 2) An acquaintance told me she once saw a flask of booze in his bag. 3) The same acquaintance told me she thinks he's an alcoholic just based on his behavior because she's been around a lot of alcoholics and she knows how they act. However this acquaintance isn't the nicest person and I don't totally trust her motivations. 4) Whenever we eat together he always orders an alcoholic drink. Even if we're just getting lunch somewhere he'll get a cocktail. Do I have reason to be concerned? What other warning signs should I be on the look out for? 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Not enough to tell. I need some background info on him. 1. How often have you dated? Does he drink every time? Is it just a glass of wine or does he drink 2 or 3 drinks? 2. Have you been to his house? Does he have beer in the fridge? Vodka in the freezer? Alcohol prominently diplayed? 3. Him carrying a flask---sometimes under stress people will resort to taking a drink to relax them which really isnt all that different than someone taking a stress/anxiety med. 4. Have you seen him drunk? 5. culturally how was he raised? Is he from europe/elsewhere where its more common to drink alcohol with meals?
KungFuJoe Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Yeah. Need more info. I carry a flask on occasion (scotch drinker) and I often order a drink with lunch and almost always with dinner. I often will drink a glass or two of scotch or wine at night as well. I'm far from an alcoholic. 1
Quiet Storm Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I haven't dated an alcoholic, but my sister is recovering. Some signs 1) shaking hands when he doesn't drink 2) being sneaky about drinking (a quick swig from a flask while you aren't looking, or hiding bottles in strange places, like the bathroom cabinets) 3) memory problems, forgetting conversations 4) forgetting obligations, being late to work 5) "needs" to drink to relax, or uses drinking as a coping mechanism Some people are functioning alcoholics for many years without any serious consequences. Many people have an impression that an alcoholic will be getting DUI's, having drunken rages, looking like a total mess...but there are so many that are seem normal, but are dependent on alcohol. These people will go work and sip little amounts throughout the day so they won't get the shakes, but don't drink so much that they are unable to appear normal. Most have built up a high tolerance over many years . They can have a BAC triple the legal limit and be able to walk and talk just fine.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) Not enough to tell. I need some background info on him. 1. How often have you dated? Does he drink every time? Is it just a glass of wine or does he drink 2 or 3 drinks? 2. Have you been to his house? Does he have beer in the fridge? Vodka in the freezer? Alcohol prominently diplayed? 3. Him carrying a flask---sometimes under stress people will resort to taking a drink to relax them which really isnt all that different than someone taking a stress/anxiety med. 4. Have you seen him drunk? 5. culturally how was he raised? Is he from europe/elsewhere where its more common to drink alcohol with meals? We've been together for about a month. Every time we get together he drinks. If it's at night usually about two glasses of gin and tonic. During the day one glass of wine or cocktail. I have seen him drunk a couple of times when we were at parties. His father is an alcoholic. He is not European. I don't know if he has more stashed away but he has about 4-5 bottles of rum/gin/whiskey in plain view at his apartment. He told me that he once didn't show up to work because he was so hung over. Once I came by his apartment late at night and was sure I smelled booze on him and I know he didn't go out earlier in the night so he must have been drinking at home. Edited January 23, 2013 by tuxedo cat
KungFuJoe Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 We've been together for about a month. Every time we get together he drinks. If it's at night usually about two glasses of gin and tonic. During the day one glass of wine or cocktail. I have seen him drunk a couple of times when we were at parties. His father is an alcoholic. He is not European. I don't know if he has more stashed away but he has about 4-5 bottles of rum/gin/whiskey in plain view at his apartment. He told me that he once didn't show up to work because he was so hung over. Once I came by his apartment late at night and was sure I smelled booze on him and I know he didn't go out earlier in the night so he must have been drinking at home. Hmm...he might be borderline. I think a big clue would be if he drinks alone. I hardly ever drink alone. I can also go days...weeks without a drink, though that rarely happens since I have kids and I need alcohol to keep from strangling them sometimes. kidding!
clia Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 We've been together for about a month. Every time we get together he drinks. If it's at night usually about two glasses of gin and tonic. During the day one glass of wine or cocktail. Nothing screams alcoholic about this to me. A lot of people have a drink or two with lunch or dinner. I have seen him drunk a couple of times when we were at parties. Was he the only drunk one at the party? I doubt it. Was he plastered? Blacked out? Did he get violent, abusive, or mean? His father is an alcoholic. He is not European. He is not his father. I don't know if he has more stashed away but he has about 4-5 bottles of rum/gin/whiskey in plain view at his apartment. Well, he certainly isn't hiding them. I have probably 20 bottles of liquor in my apartment and I don't even drink the stuff. He told me that he once didn't show up to work because he was so hung over. If this isn't a pattern with him I wouldn't be too concerned. I can think of a time when I drank a little too much without realizing it and had to call in sick the next day ... oops. This kind of thing happens to people sometimes. If he isn't regularly doing it, I wouldn't worry about it. Once I came by his apartment late at night and was sure I smelled booze on him and I know he didn't go out earlier in the night so he must have been drinking at home. I often have a glass of wine at home when I am by myself. So do a lot of people I know. I don't automatically equate drinking alone with being an alcoholic unless he is getting hammered every night by himself. Is he getting drunk every night? Can he go a day without a drink? I honestly am not seeing any blaring red flags here. He sounds like a typical social drinker to me. 1
O'Malley Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Quietstorm made some excellent points...a person doesn't have to be arrested or experiencing black outs to have a dependence on alcohol. There are some social drinkers who do have problems with alcohol, they just don't appear to fit the stereotypes on the surface of it. Also, how old is he? If most of his social activities involve drinking and he's mentioned that his usage has affected his life negatively (his comment about missing work due to a hangover), I'd say that there is some problematic behavior occurring. Keep in mind that he doesn't have to be an alcoholic for you to be uncomfortable with his drinking.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I'm concerned that my new boyfriend may be a secret alcoholic but I'm not positive. If he is, he hides it from me as he never drinks to excess when we're together. For people who have dated alcoholics what are some of the warning signs I should be aware of? Clearly if he's an alcoholic I'll have to break up with him but how can I be sure? What has me concerned -- 1) I sometimes swear I smell booze on him but it's possible it's some sort of after shave. 2) An acquaintance told me she once saw a flask of booze in his bag. 3) The same acquaintance told me she thinks he's an alcoholic just based on his behavior because she's been around a lot of alcoholics and she knows how they act. However this acquaintance isn't the nicest person and I don't totally trust her motivations. 4) Whenever we eat together he always orders an alcoholic drink. Even if we're just getting lunch somewhere he'll get a cocktail. Do I have reason to be concerned? What other warning signs should I be on the look out for? DB is a recovering alcoholic and I can say that if he IS one, it is hard to tell, as they not only hide it from those around them, but themselves. I can't tell you if he is one based on the information you provided, do you guys live together? Does he go out and drink a lot? The fact that you are asking leads me to believe there are other warning signs.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I haven't dated an alcoholic, but my sister is recovering. Some signs 1) shaking hands when he doesn't drink 2) being sneaky about drinking (a quick swig from a flask while you aren't looking, or hiding bottles in strange places, like the bathroom cabinets) 3) memory problems, forgetting conversations 4) forgetting obligations, being late to work 5) "needs" to drink to relax, or uses drinking as a coping mechanism Some people are functioning alcoholics for many years without any serious consequences. Many people have an impression that an alcoholic will be getting DUI's, having drunken rages, looking like a total mess...but there are so many that are seem normal, but are dependent on alcohol. These people will go work and sip little amounts throughout the day so they won't get the shakes, but don't drink so much that they are unable to appear normal. Most have built up a high tolerance over many years . They can have a BAC triple the legal limit and be able to walk and talk just fine. This is all very resourceful information.
mortensorchid Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 This may help as well : Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse: Signs, Symptoms, and Help for Drinking Problems SMelling it on him might be a sign, plus drinking at lunch especially on a weekday is a bad sign. Have you ever been over his house before you're going to go out and he drinks then? I have many friends who are functional alcoholics and some of them will drink about half to three quarters of a bottle of wine before we were to go out some nights. Not to mention what they would drink once they reach the location.
Ami1uwant Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 We've been together for about a month. Every time we get together he drinks. If it's at night usually about two glasses of gin and tonic. During the day one glass of wine or cocktail. I have seen him drunk a couple of times when we were at parties. His father is an alcoholic. He is not European. I don't know if he has more stashed away but he has about 4-5 bottles of rum/gin/whiskey in plain view at his apartment. He told me that he once didn't show up to work because he was so hung over. Once I came by his apartment late at night and was sure I smelled booze on him and I know he didn't go out earlier in the night so he must have been drinking at home. His father being an alcoholic is a big concern due to genetics. Culturally he could be used to drinking alcohol with meals. Its common in europe and other parts of the world. My mother drank 1-2 glasses of wine /day. She grew up a military brat spending time in europe. She grew up culturally to drinking with meals. But drinking that frequently she was an alcoholic. Did you not order alcohol and he did or you ordered a drink too because he ordered one? Talk to him about this ...ask him not to drink alcohol. See how he reacts to it? Its one thing to have an occasional drink but if he is having drinks every night when he comes home then its an issue to be concerned about. the fact he was hung over---that has happened to many many people....so some take the day off. Those arent signs oif being an alcoholic with the exception of they never having alcohol at home but when they go to some place (friends, party, bar) they tend to drink excessivly thus having a hangover every few weeks.
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