TheGuard13 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 And then make no actual attempt to remain friends?
Amelie1980 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Because they realise it's too difficult ir never meant.it.
superb Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I appreciated my friendship with my ex more than anything. I wish he would have agreed. Some people say that to soften the blow of breaking it off perhaps. Doesn't make it any better, certainly doesn't feel any better.
Coping Vortex Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 And then make no actual attempt to remain friends? I heard it three times in the last two months. Right now, I haven't heard a word from my "new" friend in over a week.
Author TheGuard13 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 My wife and I considered each other to be our best friends. After the divorce...not a peep from her other than me reaching out to say "Merry Christmas, hope you're well" and her responding. I dated two women for a while, and one of them broke up with me but said she'd like to remain friends. Not a peep, very little response to any attempts at contact. Heck, half the time my real friends barely contact me (which I am discovering is the norm this new text-driven age for a lot of people). People are kind of ridiculous, aren't they? 2
superb Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Some people care more than others. That's the only explanation I can think of. People are also selfish sometimes.
KatZee Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Soften the blow I guess. It's such horses.hit. When my ex proposed to be "friends" I was THISCLOSE to giving him the middle finger. Not good enough to be a girlfriend? Then you're not good enough to be a friend. Soooooooooooooorrrrry! 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I think my ex sorta assumed I wouldn't mind staying friends with him, because he knew most of my friends are actually men... what he totally forgot is that he rejected me, and we did have something romantic/sexual going on, and I can't/don't stay friends with people I have unrequited feelngs for. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I told my ex when I broke up with him that I was open to it, mostly because when we started having problems, he said he would be very sad not to have me in his life at all, even as a friend. In spite of our differences, we did have a very special connection, and our reasons for splitting were nothing personal. I think I could be friends with him. January is our month of NC, so if he wants to contact me and see if we can be friends after that, I'll answer. I'm not contacting him, though. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) I know my ex is truly open to friendship. She has maintained friendships with a a few of her EX'S. Maybe a phone call to or from them every 6 months or year to catch up. Most have moved away. I could see grabbing a coffee with her every blue moon to catch up. But it would have to be when I'm 110% over her. Enough that I could meet her BF and hold her kid and not care. I've known her from years before we even dated. She casually dated one of my best friends (no it was never weird for anybody..we all even hung out together). She is a pretty cool girl except for the flaw of monkey jumping form one relationship to another. Edited January 23, 2013 by cavalier99
thefooloftheyear Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Sure, its great for the dumper. Minimizes the guilt, I dsuppose. I just cannot see how you can "turn off" the passion and then just become a "friend"...What do you do when before they used to greet you with a big hug and kiss and now you "shake hands"huh? Doesn't really work. Not how I see it anyway. TFOY 1
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 After all, goodbye forever isn't an easy thing to say. Other people want to feel that they can't be a bad person and you can't be too upset if you agree to friendship. Still other people want a back burner or a booty call. Then you get t.itrashes like my ex, who freely acknowledged I was the best friend he'd ever had, the only person he has ever been himself with, who would leave a massive hole in his life and leave him very lonely..... So could we carry on as close as we were and being in constant contact and seeing each other all the time.... But dating other people. Funnily enough, I declined! 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 After all, goodbye forever isn't an easy thing to say. Other people want to feel that they can't be a bad person and you can't be too upset if you agree to friendship. Still other people want a back burner or a booty call. Then you get t.itrashes like my ex, who freely acknowledged I was the best friend he'd ever had, the only person he has ever been himself with, who would leave a massive hole in his life and leave him very lonely..... So could we carry on as close as we were and being in constant contact and seeing each other all the time.... But dating other people. Funnily enough, I declined! Good point... I wonder how many people do this so that they have a "backup plan" in the event that they want to revisit this at a later date? But then how does the dumpee feel about being the one that the dumper goes to after THEY get dumped. Thats a whole lot of crow to eat... TFOY
dumPI Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Think about when you become friends with someone. Do you go and ask "can we be friends?" Most certainly not. Friendship just develops or it doesn't. That's my main reason to avoid friendship after a relationship. My ex was asking me during the RS if we would remain friends in case it didn't work (big red flag I know). I told her: NO. YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE AND I'LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO CARE ABOUT AND GIVE MY TIME AND WE WILL FORGET ABOUT EACH OTHER. Let's be friends after a break up it's BS because sooner or later the ex (hey, they dumped us to find better) is going to find someone new and you'll be forgotten as friend the same way you were forgotten as lover. Don't buy the being friends card with hopes of reconciling. 1
na49 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 They don't attempt to be our friend because they don't want to be our friend. Other people want to feel that they can't be a bad person and you can't be too upset if you agree to friendship. Holy crap this is so true.
todreaminblue Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 it has to be a softest goodbye, whispered on a sigh, because parting is never sweet only sorrow, there are no answers why, only no tomorrows so on the whisper of a sigh, is the only way i can say, goodbye....deborah
rn0408 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Doesn't bother me at all unless if the relationship was unhealthy and there was a lot of fighting. I wouldnt want to be friends if they tried to get you in rebound mode or have sex because they can't believe it. One of mine did and I cut her off and demanded no contact forever.
jcd07 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I told my ex when I broke up with him that I was open to it, mostly because when we started having problems, he said he would be very sad not to have me in his life at all, even as a friend. In spite of our differences, we did have a very special connection, and our reasons for splitting were nothing personal. I think I could be friends with him. January is our month of NC, so if he wants to contact me and see if we can be friends after that, I'll answer. I'm not contacting him, though. It says a lot about how much you care about him and that friendship. It was YOU who dumped him and yet, you expect HIM to reach out for friendship? I can't believe some people!
Ruby Slippers Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 It says a lot about how much you care about him and that friendship. It was YOU who dumped him and yet, you expect HIM to reach out for friendship? I can't believe some people! Well, you don't know the whole story, so maybe you shouldn't judge.
soccerrprp Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 The person who asks for friendship is usually trying to help him/herself feel less guilty about the breakup and still look like the good person that they want to believe he/she is. That person is typically the person who did the breaking-up. 2
cavalier99 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Some people CAN be friends down the road. It isn't always that they want you as a back up or for an ego boost. I am the dumpee and i told my ex not to contact me so i recover. She did anyways once after 3 months for my bday. She said she would like to talk down the road, she always cares for me etcetera and i believe her. Do i think she want to be with me? Absolutely not. The communication bread crumb was unwanted. However I know where she is at emotionally and i know where I'm at. She doesn't. We have a very long history and she will be happy for me if i get a new girl friend and eventually ill be happy for her. Just isn't happening near term. I guess ill report back in a year or so if we are friendly.
Allumere Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 We all know the various reasons dumpers may say it but with exception of ex husband, I am friends with folks I have dated....they were all the dumpers. One actually has been a good sounding board as I have limped through the last dumping....and no, he has no waning romantic interest in me..he is very happily settled down. In my mind (and this is just my wiring) unless they did something awful to me or treated me awful they were a part of my life, something I cared about and invested time in...it is a waste to throw that away. It may take time...months...a year before you can be real friends...sometimes it takes both parties being involved with someone (feels safer I guess) but it is certainly possible. Of course, both parties have to want to be friends...sometimes that is not the case. 1
iouaname Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I was tempted to stay friends with my ex, and I even tried a little bit, but ultimately decided against it. My biggest fear was that it was something he didn't really mean, and that I would eventually fade to him and that he would not reach out at all. It felt better to me to deny the friendship than to eventually feel rejected for a second time. I think sometimes they do genuinely want to keep you in their lives. Other times, it's to soften to blow or out of pity. 1
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