AlwaysConflicted Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Hey all, It's been a while since I've had anything to post, but I could use your opinions/advice. I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. Everything was going pretty great for about 1 month until I had one bad day. We went out to dinner, but I was in a bad mood because I was having job related issues so I took it out on her by being a bit rude. Nothing serious, just curt and not my usual fun self. Anyways, 2 days later we made up and laughed about the whole incident. We went out on a bunch of more dates and had a great time. She decides to take a monumental step and invite me out to dinner with her brother and his fiance. It went amazing and both her brother and fiance LOVED me. The day after that dinner, I had to leave town for 2 days to see my family. I texted and called a her few times, but she didn't respond. Finally, she said texted "let's talk when you get back" so I was like "okay cool" I didn't think anything of it because I know she's been very busy at work and everything was great between us. She calls me up on the phone and tells me that she really likes me a lot, but she thinks we moved to fast. She says I didn't do anything wrong, she's just busy with work and the relationship is hard for her. She tells me to date other people (but that she's not going to be dating) Again she assures me that she likes me so much and that her brother and fiance loved me. She said we could still talk and text but that we're not exclusive anymore. I told her that I didn't want to push her away further so I wanted to put the "ball in her court" I told her to reach out to me when she felt comfortable. I also said I was nervous to do it because I might never hear from her again. She said "I doubt that's going to happen and gave a light laugh" It's been 7 days and we haven't spoken. Heh... What happened? I really liked her, but I have no damn clue what happened. Some background on her: 29 yrs old, good job/very busy, great family and they're very close Only had 1 prior relationship and it was a come and go relationship (he never met the family, he was barely around). She doesn't date often, she's had sex with 2 guys (the other guy and me) The other guy has been out of the picture for 3 years and doesn't even live here anymore. She's very work driven and makes it her priority. Thanks for your help -AC
Mr Scorpio Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Ouch. Sorry man. You know I'm inept with these sorts of things. When you went out for dinner with her brother and fiance, you didn't order a delicious burger did you?
sid3 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 She doesn't see herself with you, meaning she sees herself with someone else. Women change their mind like the weather. Don't blame yourself, these things unfortunately happen.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Seems like she wants to be single, which has nothing to do with you. At 29 she has only had 1 relationship which makes me wonder why?
mortensorchid Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I know it's rough, but it really doesn't matter what one's past or present or future was/is. You can't blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong based on what you have said. But for whatever reason you have to just move on. She doesn't deserve you and she's telling you that right now before later. I've been there, move on.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Yeah it's very strange. I suppose she could have changed her mind, but there was zero indication of that happening. In fact, after that dinner with her brother she actually said to me "I like so much more if that's even possible". I agree with 1 of the posters above...it's very odd that she's 29 and has only had 1 prior relationship (which was entirely dysfunctional because she never saw the guy since he was travelling for work) I'm used to break-ups that happen for a reason so this thing is totally new for me. It's funny cause I said "Are you breaking up with me?" and she responded with "Well were not really boyfriend and girlfriend". Which is technically true since we never had that talk, but were were exclusive. At our age dating for 2 months is pretty serious. I'm 33 and I don't need to date someone for 3 years to marry them. I could see myself proposing to a girl at the 6 month or 1 year mark. I just know what I want now. Anyways, if you have additional insights please share. If not, that's cool too. I appreciate those who responded.
Astra5 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I as well question the only one relationship previous.... Is she a prude or something... no offense to her but its quite odd... Also the way she sounds its like she cannot make you a priority... your an option she can take or not... and she doesnt sound all that interested.... Move on I say and find someone that cannot stand to be apart from you... not someone who pushes you away!
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) There's always a reason for a break-up! Sometimes the person tells you point blank. Sometimes it's hinted at. Either way, it's often obvious with a little reflection about your departing partner's perspective on the relationship, rather than your own....which is all you seem to be seeing....everything was great, everyone loved me, etc. Truth is if her needs were met, everyone was actually happy, and all was so great in your arrangement, you wouldn't be posting here. Two months and it's unclear whether you are boyfriend or girlfriend?? Just because the other guy may have strung her along, doesn't mean she would be looking for a repeat, right? In fact, she may be even more vigilant about wasting time on a similar outcome, especially now that she's hitting a major milestone--thirty--and her career is finally where she wants it to be. Dinner may have gone well in that you are a pleasant, fun, likeable guy, but I wonder if seeing her brother with his fiancée highlighted her perception that you weren't really interested in a relationship with her. Are you? She's introducing you to her family members, and you can't even commit to acknowledging her as a GF...and don't introduce her to your family. Has she met any of your close friends? For someone looking for a relationship, perceived foot dragging could be an issue. It's probably a sore spot since she points this out to you in "breaking up" (i.e. it's not a break-up because we aren't even BF/GF!). I'll admit that if a guy hasn't decided by two months that I'm GF material, I move on. Most guys in their thirties that I've dated know what they want out of dating. So I look not just at what they say, but also their actions, to determine if we actually are looking for the same things--relationship vs. casual fling for starters. There were other potential issues that could have played a role (e.g. feedback from her brother and/or fiancée--no one shares negative or thought-provoking feedback obviously...you only mention the positives). I've noticed on LS a reflex to blame and bash the departing partner, heap all the blame for the failed relationship (or in your case aborted start) on the dumper (not saying you specifically did this), and dismiss the outcome as the dumper's inability to sustain relationships. That may feel good, and ease a wounded ego, but you never learn from your experiences with that approach. IME, better to understand what happened and decide if there's something that you need to change moving forward. But to each his own...*shrugs* Edited January 25, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
pbjbear Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She doesn't see herself with you, meaning she sees herself with someone else. Women change their mind like the weather. Don't blame yourself, these things unfortunately happen. People change their mind like the weather. I think this is just a case of "shes just not that into you" Sorry
pbjbear Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I as well question the only one relationship previous.... Is she a prude or something... no offense to her but its quite odd... Also the way she sounds its like she cannot make you a priority... your an option she can take or not... and she doesnt sound all that interested.... Move on I say and find someone that cannot stand to be apart from you... not someone who pushes you away! Thats a harsh thing to say. Someone has sex when they are READY, doesnt make them prude. He wasnt her boyfriend! Ever thought she wanted a commitment before having sex?
charlietheginger Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It doesn't matter why she did broke it off The fact is she broke it off. The end .
SidwalkImperfection Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She said we could still talk and text but that we're not exclusive anymore. She told you why she left. She wants to run the field, pal. The truth is always hidden in the grey.
SidwalkImperfection Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It doesn't matter why she did broke it off The fact is she broke it off. The end . It does matter, closure is emotionally important to people. Hopefully he has some semblance of it now.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the responses. @CutiePie - You have it wrong. I'm the one who said I wanted to be exclusive. It was me committing to the relationship all along. She was the one who backed off. Her brother and fiance both texted immediately saying how great I was. She showed me the texts. @Astra She wasn't prude. We had tons of sex and in many fun positions. @Sidwalk - She didn't leave to play the field. She barely dates. I suspect that she was losing interest in me. I bet that after the dinner with her brother it made it abundantly clear that I wasn't the man she could see herself with for the long haul. She never made me aware of how she was feeling though. I have plenty of texts(and phone conversations) saying all kinds of amazing things 2 days before she dropped the bomb on me. She was just lying to me because it was easier. There's probably no point in calling her because as one of the other posters said...what's stopping her from doing it again? And you're right. I'm gonna move on. Edited January 25, 2013 by AlwaysConflicted
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