Gifts

[raj_in_sf]

Hi-

I have a new (2 months) girlfriend who was recently on a tear, dating a lot of guys before me. She seems to be settled down and committed to me actually, but something is bothering me and I'm trying to communicate this correctly. Maybe I'm wrong about thinking this is a bad idea but I appreciate any help in understanding.

 

She has several former prospects in addition to three ex's who continue to give her pretty expensive gifts. A ring. Nice dresses and gucci bags. Last night, some guy drove by and dropped off a kitten when she was asleep! And today someone bought her a plane ticket to see her kids. She told him she wasn't interested but he insisted and said it was already paid for.

 

For now I want to focus on the ethics/etiquette of accepting these kinds of gifts and what it means to the guys who she accepts them from. I have my own thoughts on this but I want your unexpurgated answers. Not only that but maybe talk a little about what you think effects of accepting these gifts is.

 

If you have a strong need and have answered the former question, feel free to discuss the "why's" of what would make her do this. She comes from the Phillipines and of course got a lot of gifts from out of towners who did this to gain favor. In that situation it seems clear that the expectations were a little different- maybe a night of fun or whatever.

 

Clearly I mentioned it's bothering me and that's one reason to stop. But I don't want to seem jealous or controlling if it's not warranted to ask her to stop receiving these.

 

Thanks for any help!

 

R

[Bryanp]

She sounds like a bad bet for a girlfriend. She should make it clear to them that she is in a committed relationship and will not accept gifts since it is highly disrespectful to her boyfriend. If she continues to accept gifts from them then you should drop her. She sounds like a total party girl.

[raj_in_sf]

Thanks for the replies guys but read the question again. You are reacting with your gut too. Just explain the details: What is the deal with accepting gifts?

[raj_in_sf]

"For now I want to focus on the ethics/etiquette of accepting these kinds of gifts and what it means to the guys who she accepts them from. I have my own thoughts on this but I want your unexpurgated answers. Not only that but maybe talk a little about what you think effects of accepting these gifts is."

 

She is from a different culture and assume she means well for now and help me explain why it's not cool.

[raj_in_sf]

Her argument seems to be that it's ok as long as she tells them they're just friends. What to say to that?

[sabre80]

I forgot where I read it. . . Might have been here. The advice was to pawn/sell all the **** she got, then send the dudes a letter thanking him for the stuff to sell to pay for the two of you to go on vacation.

[ascendotum]

Her argument seems to be that it's ok as long as she tells them they're just friends. What to say to that?

 

Going just on that, it seems fine. A one way street with attention, and hey a free gift is a free gift. It could be that way, but I would be wierded out over this also. This is more than an ex sending her a card for her birthday. Who still buys exes gifts for no reason...and expensive ones at that. I guess she hung out with (multiple) guys who made easy money or thought they were below her league so had to buy her stuff to get rewarded by her charms.

 

She still has 5 guys sniffing around ffs. Likely she has not told them she is in a committed relationship, and they still think she's single and just not sure what she wants. It would seem she used to multi date or maybe keep a trailing relationship going with exes..for the gifts. You say she is from the Phillipines and I do think there men (non locals) showing their affection like this happens a fair bit. She might think its fine up until she is made a wife, but she needs to know that's not the way you see it and most others in our culture as well. These guys most likely used to bang her, and some still might just be love struck over her still but some will have concrete intentions to woo her back from you.

 

Saying I cant accept this is one thing, saying I cant accept this I now have a new bf is another. Its not jealousy! She needs to know its disrespectful to accept gifts from other single men. How about one of your exes drops by with a prepared meal she cooked for you and hands it to you with a sweet smile and some chat about the good times you shared. I bet your filipino girl wont be so understanding of 'its just a gift' then.

Edited January 23, 2013 by ascendotum

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Listen, you're a man, why do men give a woman who's not their partner expensive gifts? Because they're trying to buy entrance into her ladyparts. By accepting the gifts she's sending the message that she's still open for business. It's very very very disrespectful to you.

 

She needs to choose if she cares about the gifts or about you. You need to decide if putting material goods above your partner is acceptable.

[Darren Steez]

Different culture or not, you need to tell her to tell them to cut that out.

 

Three guys all buying gifts..think about it, you go out of your way to go to a jewelers, to the mall to buy a dress, spend time on the internet searching for a ticket...all out of the kindness of their heart? Of course they expect something in return. I'd be more concerned that your lady is in contact with some many exs.

 

Stadium full of people waving...RED FLAGS

[todreaminblue]

As a woman the only time I have gotten gifts was from guys who were interested in me.I dont accept gifts when i am in a relationship,not as a friend not for any reason, i know what the connotations of gifts are it is a show of interest ...in a relationship it is disrespectful to the guy you are with, to accept gifts from another man.......other than maybe a birthday present or a xmas present...and expensive gifts are still a no.....deb

[raj_in_sf]

Great answers all.

 

It has been great also for triggering discussion with her. It does seem like she's keeping her "options open" for the future. Not exactly what I expected or wanted to hear.

 

Being open to dating multiple people is a completely different discussion of course. She's not exactly saying that, but she has had so many BF's fail (and yes, it was their fault) that she is playing it a little safe for the future.

 

I don't (personally) like the idea of dating without being "all in" mentally. Now I have to decide if that's ok with me that she wants to continue to accept attention and gifts from the other folks. I am of course open to your input on that.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Great answers all.

 

It has been great also for triggering discussion with her. It does seem like she's keeping her "options open" for the future. Not exactly what I expected or wanted to hear.

 

Being open to dating multiple people is a completely different discussion of course. She's not exactly saying that, but she has had so many BF's fail (and yes, it was their fault) that she is playing it a little safe for the future.

 

I don't (personally) like the idea of dating without being "all in" mentally. Now I have to decide if that's ok with me that she wants to continue to accept attention and gifts from the other folks. I am of course open to your input on that.

 

Forgive me if I'm off base here or I'm being blunt but it sounds to me like the gifts are what's motivating her here. You sound to me like an intelligent guy and pretty well-adjusted, you'll find someone who's relationship material. If she's not ready for a relationship and using past failed relationships as a justification to not treat you with respect, just cut her loose

[raj_in_sf]

Good guess but no. She could care less about the gifts. She gives some of them away to her sister (and sister doesn't care either). There are two things that motivate her to accept them:

 

1) She feels bad not accepting them- especially if they are from someone she had a long relationship with before (3 guys who are exes she will never be with again still give her big gifts on occasion). I think the big problem there is mostly with _their_ mental health but whatev.

2) She is keeping the newer ones "on the line" in case our relationship fails. She's had many fail recently and she is embarrassed about them and to boot she has kids to support and there are certain job risks going on for her right now. Sad but true. She wants to feel safe. But she's not going further than conversation with them. She's not telling them no though! She's just not saying yes.

 

Clearly I can find someone else who is willing to actually take a bet on me. But she's completely honest about everything going on (never seen this kind of honesty before) and she's completely expressive about her love for me.

 

That's the thing that's so unique. None of this is in the dark (although it took a little while for some of it to come out).

 

Sorry, I never post easy questions to forums.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Good guess but no. She could care less about the gifts. She gives some of them away to her sister (and sister doesn't care either). There are two things that motivate her to accept them:

 

1) She feels bad not accepting them- especially if they are from someone she had a long relationship with before (3 guys who are exes she will never be with again still give her big gifts on occasion). I think the big problem there is mostly with _their_ mental health but whatev.

2) She is keeping the newer ones "on the line" in case our relationship fails. She's had many fail recently and she is embarrassed about them and to boot she has kids to support and there are certain job risks going on for her right now. Sad but true. She wants to feel safe. But she's not going further than conversation with them. She's not telling them no though! She's just not saying yes.

 

Clearly I can find someone else who is willing to actually take a bet on me. But she's completely honest about everything going on (never seen this kind of honesty before) and she's completely expressive about her love for me.

 

That's the thing that's so unique. None of this is in the dark (although it took a little while for some of it to come out).

 

Sorry, I never post easy questions to forums.

 

Are the guys also from the Philippines? Because American men generally don't give extravagant gifts to women they want to be with. I'm assuming the ones she's keeping on the line are guys she's slept with before? Saying she feels bad turning these gifts down is like saying she feels bad saying no to giving one of them a beej. She should care about how YOU feel and not these guys.

 

I also really really don't buy that she doesn't care for the gifts. Sounds like she had a brigade of sugar daddies. Since when does a woman who doesn't like gifts go after a sugar daddy?

 

I don't really understand why her full transparency about treating you like a chump is some kind of great quality.

 

Are you buying her gifts too?

 

 

Idk I'm generally pretty permissive about relationships, if both parties are happy then the details aren't so relevant. However this sounds to me like you're being taken for a ride. And it sounds like maybe it feels daring and new and exotic but it's not going to lead you down a good road.

[raj_in_sf]

Are the guys also from the Philippines? Because American men generally don't give extravagant gifts to women they want to be with. I'm assuming the ones she's keeping on the line are guys she's slept with before? Saying she feels bad turning these gifts down is like saying she feels bad saying no to giving one of them a beej. She should care about how YOU feel and not these guys.

 

The question remains whether or not it's reasonable for me to feel slighted. But I agree that there is a question of inequities. I am pretty much 100% in and she's not taking the same level risk I am by keeping all these guys around. @meandmyself : true dat.

 

I also really really don't buy that she doesn't care for the gifts. Sounds like she had a brigade of sugar daddies. Since when does a woman who doesn't like gifts go after a sugar daddy?

As mentioned: when she has two kids to support and her job is now more uncertain.

 

I don't really understand why her full transparency about treating you like a chump is some kind of great quality.

To be clear she's not treating me like a chump. I have set several boundaries during this relationship and she's come around on all of them. I'm trying to figure out what's reasonable here.

 

Are you buying her gifts too?

Pretty funny: I made her a nice mug. She told me she likes it better than the dresses and the gucci bags . I am not really holding back from spending a ton of money but OTOH why would I do so this soon, and to be honest I'm not a sugar daddy. I'll spend money when it's appropriate. Not to gain favor. I think it sends the wrong message: I need to pay you to love me. Ewwwww.

 

Idk I'm generally pretty permissive about relationships, if both parties are happy then the details aren't so relevant. However this sounds to me like you're being taken for a ride. And it sounds like maybe it feels daring and new and exotic but it's not going to lead you down a good road.

 

She knew all these guys before she met me. She's done a bad job picking boyfriends so she's being cautious. Two months with me ain't a lot of time. But I still don't like it and you guys have been helpful and pointing out why my gut is having fits.

 

The way I see it (and thanks to all who have contributed) is either:

 

A) I back off and start having communication with others that may be interested. This seems like a recipe for ending the relationship anyway...

B) I ask her to stop receiving gifts and communicating with these guys. After all, if we don't work out there will be plenty of other sugar daddies down the line. And most likely the losers that are knocking down her door will still be available.

C) Call it quits. I would choose that before A) anyway because I'm not into dating more than one person at a time right now. It was fun when I was getting over the last serious one, but right now I need to be serious again.