waterwoman Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You were the one who told me I was way out of your league. And yes, I effing was! I was a beautiful, intelligent, intelligent, educated 17yr old when you met me. I had my life in front of me. You had failed your exams inspite of being one of the most intelligent people I know. You had no ambition or motivation. No plans. But we loved each other. I got my degree and we moved in together. We lived in a little cottage on about £50 a week and I took on the role of homemaker. We were broke! But it was ok because we loved each other. I got a job and within a year I was earning twice as much as you. I still did the lions share of chores around the house - we argued about it from time to time but nothing much changed. I put up with it because we loved each other. You lost your job. Money got tighter. You decided to go to university to study to be a teacher. So we scraped the money together for your fees. I changed jobs to earn more money to support us. 4 years later you graduated but your father had died and you were struggling, so no teaching job and no more money. I held you while you sobbed, howled and talked. I said nothing when you disappeared for days on end and came back red-eyed, hungover and monosyllabic. It was all Ok because we loved each other. We decided an baby would be a fresh start for us and all your family who were grieving. Major departure for me as I had never wanted kids. You still were earning very little so I had to go back to work fulltime after a month or so. I fell head over heels with our son. And all was fine, because we loved each other. 2 more babies. Series of low-paid jobs for you. I was still doing almost everything at home somehow - an argument I just couldn't be bothered to have any more. Postnatal depression for me, which developed into long-term depression. Still have depression to this day. You finally got a teaching post. Finances improved. We moved into a beautiful house after years in a poky little place. Our kids all had their own rooms. We were able to buy a decent car. Life got better. I felt as if I could relax a little and enjoy life. And you started an affair. You total effing BASTARD! How dare you? Thanks for listening folks! Just reminding myself why I should be angry and why he owes me all the effort he is trying to make. And why he owes me the discomfort he will feel in MC. I really DID NOT deserve this. In any way. 20
Author waterwoman Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Grrrraarrrggghhhhhh!!!! Have sent eldest lad out to buy chocolate to calm the savage beast 2
Spark1111 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Your story is similiar to mine; supporting a man through thick and thin and being repayed by his having an affair when he started to get on his feet and I could finally relax a little. And the resentment was huge for a very long time. I and my children did not deserve it. Never did. Never will. 4
veryhappy Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Many intelligent Aspies suffer from underemployment. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but you seem to not want to face one very changing factor - whether your h is on the spectrum or not. Usually when a child gets diagnosed it points to one of the parents. I strongly suggest you bring it up in MC, because a relationship with someone on the spectrum has little to do with relationships between most people. You would need someone who knows how to handle that.
Author waterwoman Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Many intelligent Aspies suffer from underemployment. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but you seem to not want to face one very changing factor - whether your h is on the spectrum or not. Usually when a child gets diagnosed it points to one of the parents. I strongly suggest you bring it up in MC, because a relationship with someone on the spectrum has little to do with relationships between most people. You would need someone who knows how to handle that. Thanks Dragon. I'm not ignoring you! I am bearing it in mind x
Author waterwoman Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Your story is similiar to mine; supporting a man through thick and thin and being repayed by his having an affair when he started to get on his feet and I could finally relax a little. And the resentment was huge for a very long time. I and my children did not deserve it. Never did. Never will. QUITE! I am reasonably calm about it most of the time. I am damned good at being guilty and taking the blame I have to keep reminding myself it is HIM not me that did the wrong thing. 2
Journee Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) Grrrraarrrggghhhhhh!!!! Have sent eldest lad out to buy chocolate to calm the savage beast Just the other day I found myself irritated as I fixed dinner, changed diapers, ran behind a two year old, packed H's lunch for work and folded clothes all before I had even combed my hair. I was resentful that he got his caregiver back. That since I having our youngest 8 weeks ago I had somehow reverted back to my former self. The "does it all " woman, wife and mother. I resented that he slid back into the comforts of me simply because I needed.his help post surgery. Ugh. I grew so frustrated as I stood in the kitchen heating up my cold plate of food almost an hour after everyone else ate. I opened up my freezer door and grabbed my Hershey bar stash. I didn't grab a smoke or pour a drink but that chocolate calmed me like a summer rain lol I feel you sister Your writing your feelings down surely is a wonderful.stress reliever. Maybe you could bring that with you to your MC and read it aloud sometime. I think it needs to be really heard by your H. Heard until he "gets" it. Really understands and gets it. XO Edited January 23, 2013 by Journee 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Waterwoman - Our stories are similar. Most everybody (except me) said that I was out of his league, including his roommate. [i never thought that because I loved him]. I was always the harder working and more successful one. I have changed jobs several times to accommodate our family. Even though my job is more challenging than his, I have always done most of the housework, all of the laundry, all of the grocery shopping, all of the cooking, all of the bill-paying, all of the homework-helping, and most of the family scheduling. I am the one my children have always depended on if they NEED something; he is the one they go to if they WANT something. Until the affair, I bought every gift that we gave his parents for birthdays and Christmas. I was pregnant nine times in five years, giving birth to four children. I have kept myself thin and attractive, getting up early to fix myself up, even on the weekends. He doesn't like to shop so I have bought ALL of his clothing since we got married, including most of his shoes. I earn a very good salary and am very independent. Yes, so HOW DARE HE?? How dare he pick up some skank at a seminar and screw her for the first time within a few days after I had back surgery. He left me barely able to walk, to care for the home and four children, so that he could meet her out of town on a "business trip". How dare he do this?? How dare he call her 26 times and text her 76 times on my special birthday! How dare he leave me with 20 teens on my daughter's 16th birthday to sneak away and call her! When I showed him the WRITTEN evidence that she was stalking me, how dare he defend her! How dare he sit across the table from me in the restaurant on our 20th anniversary, only minutes after he had called her! How dare he see me crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath.....and call me crazy. I will never, never understand how he dared to do any of this. 6
Furious Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 It never ceases to amaze me how many good people are betrayed. Selfish entitled people seem to pick the nicest and most generous spouse..... Arrrggghhhhhh.....it just pisses me off to read your stories and not want to smack those cheaters upside their heads and scream....what the hell were you thinking.........aarrggghhhhh.... Over-benefited spouses are usually the one's who cheat....arrrrgggghhhh 4
Steen719 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Waterwoman - Our stories are similar. Most everybody (except me) said that I was out of his league, including his roommate. [i never thought that because I loved him]. I was always the harder working and more successful one. I have changed jobs several times to accommodate our family. Even though my job is more challenging than his, I have always done most of the housework, all of the laundry, all of the grocery shopping, all of the cooking, all of the bill-paying, all of the homework-helping, and most of the family scheduling. I am the one my children have always depended on if they NEED something; he is the one they go to if they WANT something. Until the affair, I bought every gift that we gave his parents for birthdays and Christmas. I was pregnant nine times in five years, giving birth to four children. I have kept myself thin and attractive, getting up early to fix myself up, even on the weekends. He doesn't like to shop so I have bought ALL of his clothing since we got married, including most of his shoes. I earn a very good salary and am very independent. Yes, so HOW DARE HE?? How dare he pick up some skank at a seminar and screw her for the first time within a few days after I had back surgery. He left me barely able to walk, to care for the home and four children, so that he could meet her out of town on a "business trip". How dare he do this?? How dare he call her 26 times and text her 76 times on my special birthday! How dare he leave me with 20 teens on my daughter's 16th birthday to sneak away and call her! When I showed him the WRITTEN evidence that she was stalking me, how dare he defend her! How dare he sit across the table from me in the restaurant on our 20th anniversary, only minutes after he had called her! How dare he see me crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath.....and call me crazy. I will never, never understand how he dared to do any of this. Oh sister, do I feel and know your pain! All I can say is how sorry I am that you endured all of that and you are right - how dare he?
Steen719 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 It never ceases to amaze me how many good people are betrayed. Selfish entitled people seem to pick the nicest and most generous spouse..... Arrrggghhhhhh.....it just pisses me off to read your stories and not want to smack those cheaters upside their heads and scream....what the hell were you thinking.........aarrggghhhhh.... Over-benefited spouses are usually the one's who cheat....arrrrgggghhhh Oh, this is a priceless description that I have never heard and is so apt for XH. Thank you! :lmao: 2
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 the nicest and most generous spouse No, I was not/am not a saint. Like every marriage, we had our ups and downs. I could have been a better wife and he could have been a better husband. But I was in it for the long run - I loved him and our family and I would have done almost anything to keep it. 5
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Oh, this is a priceless description that I have never heard and is so apt for XH. Thank you! :lmao: Shirley Glass describes it perfectly in her book Not Just Friends. When I read it the first time? It was like a lightbulb over my head. The description? Made so much sense. Google Glass and over benefitted partners. You'll get a lightbulb. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Oh, this is a priceless description that I have never heard and is so apt for XH. Thank you! :lmao: I think your XH might be the poster child. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Because we were so strong and resourceful and independent.....we attracted the weak, the needy, the insecure. Think on that. No surprise there, not really. they were attracted to our strength, our resourcefulness, and bit by bit, allowed us to do too much but then resented us for it. What they ONCE admired became a standard they could never live up to. So they began to resent us for the very attributes they once admired; the ones they CHOSE us for and pursued us That was mentally healthy on their pArt, but when they could not rise to our expectations, they began to resent us for the very characteristics they once admired. So, in an effort to feel worthy, they chose someone they could feel equal to, or even superior to in an attempt to validate themselves and feel equal to us. We had no clue they felt so less than. We loved them and never realized their need for external validation from others NOTHING like us would become all consuming. We JUST wanted them to be happy; with us again, the marriage, our life together. WE were the last person they showed their unhappiness to because they still wanted to be worthy of our love even though we sensed they were resentful of us. This is a lose-lose scenario. they began to dislike all we represented. We had high self esteem, they had none. They stopped feeling worthy of us so had to punish us....with an affair, with a person they felt equal or superior to. 6
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Because we were so strong and resourceful and independent.....we attracted the weak, the needy, the insecure. Think on that. No surprise there, not really. they were attracted to our strength, our resourcefulness, and bit by bit, allowed us to do too much but then resented us for it. What they ONCE admired became a standard they could never live up to. So they began to resent us for the very attributes they once admired; the ones they CHOSE us for and pursued us That was mentally healthy on their pArt, but when they could not rise to our expectations, they began to resent us for the very characteristics they once admired. So, in an effort to feel worthy, they chose someone they could feel equal to, or even superior to in an attempt to validate themselves and feel equal to us. We had no clue they felt so less than. We loved them and never realized their need for external validation from others NOTHING like us would become all consuming. We JUST wanted them to be happy; with us again, the marriage, our life together. WE were the last person they showed their unhappiness to because they still wanted to be worthy of our love even though we sensed they were resentful of us. This is a lose-lose scenario. they began to dislike all we represented. We had high self esteem, they had none. They stopped feeling worthy of us so had to punish us....with an affair, with a person they felt equal or superior to. You're not really named Spark, are you? You're my therapist. I KNEW IT! LOL 2
Steen719 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I think your XH might be the poster child. Oh, Kidd, as sad as that is, I think you might be right. Over-benefited! What a concept. I knew he felt entitled and knew he was an ungrateful bastard, but over-benefited.....well, there you go! 3
Author waterwoman Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 No, I was not/am not a saint. Like every marriage, we had our ups and downs. I could have been a better wife and he could have been a better husband. But I was in it for the long run - I loved him and our family and I would have done almost anything to keep it. Oh lord ! I agree, I wasn't perfect. I often let him know when I wasn't happy but less so as the years went by - I just got too beaten down. It wasn't until that point, when I was worn out, menopausal and depressed, that he just happened to run into this wonderfully needy woman who worshipped him. If only I had known! I shouldn't have been doing things, I should have let it all go to pot and just spent my days telling him how amazing he was. Simple! Funnily enough he often told me how amazing I was but it would have been nice to stop being amazing and start being helped and supported. He didn't deal with it well when I got weepy and messy though 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I just remembered something. While the affair was going on and I was still ignorant of it, I told H that I felt like a Martha. I had for years. The one who worked hard in the kitchen (so that Mary could fall at Jesus feet and listen to his stories). Ha! On d-day I realised who his Mary had been for the last 6 month Jesus said, if I remember my bible stories correctly, that Martha was at fault for not realising that being with him was more important than doing housework. Blimey! H really was the second Messiah (apologies to Bent and any other Christians here) 1
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I still keep coming back to the waste of my time. 19 freakin' years and then she pulls this crap? I mean, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything but I sure wish I'd had them with someone else that would like, be here. It's remarkable that you can sue someone for a stolen candy bar but not this. And I can't even freakin' get away from her. I think I would've moved to Fiji if I weren't stuck in this ridiculous co-parenting crap.
Recommended Posts