I now recognize I'm in an EA. Not easy, but I want out!

[JaclynG]

I have a male friend from high school (he is married and is with the same woman, Cheryl, for 22 years). I had a crush on him in high school, which he is aware of back in CA. Recently, over the past 3 years, we’ve reconnected online. Initially, our conversations were “formal” in nature, “How are you?”, etc. However, this has shifted within the past 7 months or so. He began asking me more personal questions. In addition, we have left no topic unturned, including sex. I should add that he contacts me first all the time, not the other way around. We converse just about every day, if not 5 times a week – sometimes in text, or online, or he’ll call me. We have spent sometimes in excess of 6 hours talking in one day in total. He contacts me at all times, even on business trips, when he is with his wife for his anniversary, when she is at the house with him – you name it, he contacts me. He has called me to keep him company on the way home from work driving in the car. He sends me photos of himself (not suggestive ones – he has never done that). All photos are of him alone. He has shared photos of his personal momentos on numerous occasions. In short, he has shared everything with me, however, I have never seen him face to face since high school. I did go to a state near him to meet up with friends for a July 4th bash. He did not see me. We did not discuss it before I went. I did not ask to see him, feeling it would be inappropriate and hard to refrain from wanting more. However, once there, he contacted me and said he was nearby for the evening only a short distance. It hurt me. I couldn’t understand why he would tell me he was so close, yet so far in a sense. We are very, very close. He has a lot of friends (numerous woman friends), who he has lunch and dinners with, but did not see me. He asked if I understood why he didn’t. I said, “Let’s discuss”. He called me and we talked for hours. He said, “I want to evaluate the merits of my marriage on the relationship with Cheryl and not involve another person in it”. I was elated and relieved, quite honestly(seriously!). However, he also has spoken to me in detail (or as much as he chose to share, obviously), about a woman he unexpectedly fell in love with last year that he met at his job as real estate broker. She is half his age. He considered separating from his wife and explored those thoughts. He discussed them with me in detail (hearing them was difficult for me, due to my increasing feelings for him). He was enormously grateful for the advice I gave him through the situation. It was painful for him. I think it was a midlife crisis. So, the fact that he chose not to see me, in my opinion, was not limited to his relationship with his wife. I believe he knows we would be together physically and in the long run, I wouldn’t be the one he would end up being with. I think he respects me and doesn’t want to lose our friendship. He would remain married to his wife, in my opinion. We have had “sex” over online messages, after he broached the subject of sex, then followed it up by saying how he thought of me in that way. We have since had at least 8 or so “sex” talks of scenarios, where we would and how it would all unravel. He has described endearing things that make me feel drawn to him. Both of us have climaxed through our exchanges. We’ve both acknowledged we’ve shared a lot.

 

Long story short – I am torn right now. Torn because I don’t want to have these feelings. I no longer want to have sexual interactions in writing online. It is making me desire him with such an intensity, it is now hurting, rather than helping my relationship with him. It is a daily distraction from any sort of productivity. I have tried to “pull away” subtly by feigning “being busy” with “lots going on”, etc. Inevitably, he seeks me out and draws me back in. It’s a cyclical, fine line without clear boundaries.

 

My dilemma – I’m wondering if I should have a conversation with him about my feelings. I feel that subconsciously, I would be hoping that when he heard how I was feeling, he would be surprised, but happy. However, I know intuitively, this will not be the case. I think it would ultimately shift our friendship onto a different level. I would be the one hurt, ashamed and embarrassed (just my opinion). I would want to run from it, once I had told him. Second scenario – we talk about it and I let him know I do not want or feel our sexual interactions are respectful or in my best interests. I will tell him that they had increased my desire to see him and be with him, along with my feelings I have for him. Third scenario – say nothing, preserve my dignity and self-respect, step away from the sexual conversation (how?) and fade away a little, putting distance between us. The entails saying nothing as to why. I’ve been trying this approach for some time now, though, and it is not changing anything. All it seems to do is make it harder for me to suppress my feelings.

 

This is on my mind inordinately, to the point it’s all I think about. I break into a smile when I see his text, calls, messages. He lights up my life. I have fallen in love with him. I don’t want to be in love with him. I know it will not be good for me in the long run and most importantly, he is married. It is so unfair to his wife. I would not want to be in her shoes. He obviously has some emotional unmet needs to crave so much attention from me.

 

So, what should I do? How should I handle this? Is it selfish of him to put me in this position? I believe he has significant emotional needs being unmet by his wife. He told me he is missing the normal human to human connection with his wife Cheryl. So, something is amiss there, however, that’s not my problem. What is my problem, per se, is the current situation I find myself in with him – I’m more and more and more in love with him. I want to end these deep feelings. I want peace in my heart and would love to have a continued friendship. I don’t know if it’s possible? I know a tremendous piece of my life would be missing if he weren’t a part of it. I would miss him terribly. So, do I acknowledge these feelings and simply say, “Our interactions have naturally increased my desire to be with you. I have feelings for you that have deepened, however, I feel I need to scale those back. I don’t feel it’s where things should lead. I’m embarrassed and fearful to share these thoughts with you.” What is your advice on how should I handle this situation?

[pbjbear]

Really? This isnt hard.

 

Say you cant stay in contact with him. I really dont even think you need to go into reasons why( if he cannot figure it out on his own he is a really awful person ) but if you want to go into the reasons why but keep it short and sweet so he doesnt try to change your mind.

 

If you talk to him so much, why cant you tell him what you wrote here?

You could always email him this thread

 

Then stop contacting him and ignore him when we tries to talk to you...simple

 

This guy IS no good for you. He cheats WITH you, he will most likely cheat ON you later...I am sure you know this but just like his attention too much.

 

I guarantee if he left his wife and came to you the fantasy would not meet the reality.

 

Look at his actions...is he a good person?

[JaclynG]

You're so on the mark!

 

I did talk with him tonight. I told him that this was unintended, wrong and had to stop. I told him that I couldn't be in contact. He said he understood and would respect my decision. I did find out (not that this is ANY justification on his part), but that he suspected his wife cheated at the beginning of his marriage and that she wanted to leave him. They talked about this again last year. It may not be true, quite honestly, I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. Who cares...

 

Yes, you're right. My fantasy would be better than my reality. I have thought that many times over. You're a smart person. I enjoyed your comments.

 

Really? This isnt hard.

 

Say you cant stay in contact with him. I really dont even think you need to go into reasons why( if he cannot figure it out on his own he is a really awful person ) but if you want to go into the reasons why but keep it short and sweet so he doesnt try to change your mind.

 

If you talk to him so much, why cant you tell him what you wrote here?

You could always email him this thread

 

Then stop contacting him and ignore him when we tries to talk to you...simple

 

This guy IS no good for you. He cheats WITH you, he will most likely cheat ON you later...I am sure you know this but just like his attention too much.

 

I guarantee if he left his wife and came to you the fantasy would not meet the reality.

 

Look at his actions...is he a good person?

[pbjbear]

If Im smart its because Ive made alot of mistakes

 

Youll find a good man one day with whom you dont have to deal with any of this and wont feel second best. Good luck!

[JaclynG]

Well, at least you learned from your mistakes, as I'm doing. I appreciate your good wishes through this. I'm hardly looking for sympathy, which I don't feel I deserve from my part in this, which I assure you - was not intentional. I am glad I had enough gumption to recognize it's wrong. It will never, ever happen again. My mistake is my new knowledge going forward. I hope my story can help others in some ways.

 

If Im smart its because Ive made alot of mistakes

 

Youll find a good man one day with whom you dont have to deal with any of this and wont feel second best. Good luck!

[NervisPervis]

You know he's a scumbag, yet you are in love with him. I am a good, loyal, loving husband and my wife hates me.

 

I give up.

[JaclynG]

Well, that was a depressing, unproductive sidebar comment, NervisPervis. Try putting your feelings out and your story on the website and work through it. Your marriage obviously has issues. At least, I'm leaving him and taking action. Become accountable, not a "ho-hum this is my life" victim.

 

You know he's a scumbag, yet you are in love with him. I am a good, loyal, loving husband and my wife hates me.

 

I give up.

[pbjbear]

You know he's a scumbag, yet you are in love with him. I am a good, loyal, loving husband and my wife hates me.

 

I give up.

 

Hey if your wife hates you...tell her you guys need to go to counselling and work on it or divorce her. Dont waste your life on a woman like that.

 

I would LOVE to find a guy who can be a good, loyal husband. I cannot find someone like that- most men I meet are way too selfish and immature and always looking for the next best thing or being an attentionwhore in general. Us women do exist- sorry you married the wrong one