JaclynG Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I have a male friend from high school (he is married and is with the same woman, Cheryl, for 22 years). I had a crush on him in high school, which he is aware of back in CA. Recently, over the past 3 years, we’ve reconnected online. Initially, our conversations were “formal” in nature, “How are you?”, etc. However, this has shifted within the past 7 months or so. He began asking me more personal questions. In addition, we have left no topic unturned, including sex. I should add that he contacts me first all the time, not the other way around. We converse just about every day, if not 5 times a week – sometimes in text, or online, or he’ll call me. We have spent sometimes in excess of 6 hours talking in one day in total. He contacts me at all times, even on business trips, when he is with his wife for his anniversary, when she is at the house with him – you name it, he contacts me. He has called me to keep him company on the way home from work driving in the car. He sends me photos of himself (not suggestive ones – he has never done that). All photos are of him alone. He has shared photos of his personal momentos on numerous occasions. In short, he has shared everything with me, however, I have never seen him face to face since high school. I did go to a state near him to meet up with friends for a July 4th bash. He did not see me. We did not discuss it before I went. I did not ask to see him, feeling it would be inappropriate and hard to refrain from wanting more. However, once there, he contacted me and said he was nearby for the evening only a short distance. It hurt me. I couldn’t understand why he would tell me he was so close, yet so far in a sense. We are very, very close. He has a lot of friends (numerous woman friends), who he has lunch and dinners with, but did not see me. He asked if I understood why he didn’t. I said, “Let’s discuss”. He called me and we talked for hours. He said, “I want to evaluate the merits of my marriage on the relationship with Cheryl and not involve another person in it”. I was elated and relieved, quite honestly(seriously!). However, he also has spoken to me in detail (or as much as he chose to share, obviously), about a woman he unexpectedly fell in love with last year that he met at his job as real estate broker. She is half his age. He considered separating from his wife and explored those thoughts. He discussed them with me in detail (hearing them was difficult for me, due to my increasing feelings for him). He was enormously grateful for the advice I gave him through the situation. It was painful for him. I think it was a midlife crisis. So, the fact that he chose not to see me, in my opinion, was not limited to his relationship with his wife. I believe he knows we would be together physically and in the long run, I wouldn’t be the one he would end up being with. I think he respects me and doesn’t want to lose our friendship. He would remain married to his wife, in my opinion. We have had “sex” over online messages, after he broached the subject of sex, then followed it up by saying how he thought of me in that way. We have since had at least 8 or so “sex” talks of scenarios, where we would and how it would all unravel. He has described endearing things that make me feel drawn to him. Both of us have climaxed through our exchanges. We’ve both acknowledged we’ve shared a lot. Long story short – I am torn right now. Torn because I don’t want to have these feelings. I no longer want to have sexual interactions in writing online. It is making me desire him with such an intensity, it is now hurting, rather than helping my relationship with him. It is a daily distraction from any sort of productivity. I have tried to “pull away” subtly by feigning “being busy” with “lots going on”, etc. Inevitably, he seeks me out and draws me back in. It’s a cyclical, fine line without clear boundaries. My dilemma – I’m wondering if I should have a conversation with him about my feelings. I feel that subconsciously, I would be hoping that when he heard how I was feeling, he would be surprised, but happy. However, I know intuitively, this will not be the case. I think it would ultimately shift our friendship onto a different level. I would be the one hurt, ashamed and embarrassed (just my opinion). I would want to run from it, once I had told him. Second scenario – we talk about it and I let him know I do not want or feel our sexual interactions are respectful or in my best interests. I will tell him that they had increased my desire to see him and be with him, along with my feelings I have for him. Third scenario – say nothing, preserve my dignity and self-respect, step away from the sexual conversation (how?) and fade away a little, putting distance between us. The entails saying nothing as to why. I’ve been trying this approach for some time now, though, and it is not changing anything. All it seems to do is make it harder for me to suppress my feelings. This is on my mind inordinately, to the point it’s all I think about. I break into a smile when I see his text, calls, messages. He lights up my life. I have fallen in love with him. I don’t want to be in love with him. I know it will not be good for me in the long run and most importantly, he is married. It is so unfair to his wife. I would not want to be in her shoes. He obviously has some emotional unmet needs to crave so much attention from me. So, what should I do? How should I handle this? Is it selfish of him to put me in this position? I believe he has significant emotional needs being unmet by his wife. He told me he is missing the normal human to human connection with his wife Cheryl. So, something is amiss there, however, that’s not my problem. What is my problem, per se, is the current situation I find myself in with him – I’m more and more and more in love with him. I want to end these deep feelings. I want peace in my heart and would love to have a continued friendship. I don’t know if it’s possible? I know a tremendous piece of my life would be missing if he weren’t a part of it. I would miss him terribly. So, do I acknowledge these feelings and simply say, “Our interactions have naturally increased my desire to be with you. I have feelings for you that have deepened, however, I feel I need to scale those back. I don’t feel it’s where things should lead. I’m embarrassed and fearful to share these thoughts with you.” What is your advice on how should I handle this situation?
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 If you're goal is to try end this then do so. Send one last message saying "it's inappropriate for us to continue as you are M. Look me up when your D is final" Then block him and lean on friends and family as you navigate your grief. I think you are well aware that anything else just continues to risk crossing yet another boundary - going from EA to PA. Up to you though.
Author JaclynG Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 It's gotten physical, but online only, where we've both turned one another on completely to the point of climaxing. Then he sends me messages saying how he's reread it, etc. Tells me how he envisions me while making love to me, etc. So, in a sense, I feel it has crossed to PA. Do you agree with that? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't change what I'm going to do by ending it. I just want to see if you see it the same way. I think you are well aware that anything else just continues to risk crossing yet another boundary - going from EA to PA. Up to you though.
Author JaclynG Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I want to send an email. I feel if I don't say something, he will continue to pursue me. (He may still, but that is not what I want. I promise you that!). Secondly, that is very much the reason I want out too - first, his wife. It's not fair. Second, he is validating himself through me and escaping the mundane in life. Third, you couldn't be more right - I've enjoyed his attention and all. BUT....it's at the point of diminishing returns and my conscience has finally kicked in 110%. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to find myself in this place. However, it is what it is and tomorrow is another day. It doesn't have to be something I stay in, nor carry forward. I agree. If you truly want out, I see no reason whatsoever to discuss why with him. There isn't any point to discuss the why's unless you are hoping for him to change the dynamic. He isn't a good friend, a good friend, wouldn't put you in this position. Sounds like you are being used for validation and as an escape from the mundane life things. Of course you are using him for the same things also.
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 It's gotten physical, but online only, where we've both turned one another on completely to the point of climaxing. Then he sends me messages saying how he's reread it, etc. Tells me how he envisions me while making love to me, etc. So, in a sense, I feel it has crossed to PA. Do you agree with that? I. Don't. Know. Hmmmm. In all my time here, elsewhere and IRL I never thought of it. Or addressed it. My initial thoughts are it is not. PA traditionally includes physical contact - this sounds more like mutual masturbation on Skype. I'm going to with EA - albeit one with visual aids.
Author JaclynG Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I appreciate the support, especially about the part of being self aware. I'm embarrassed though about the position I'm in. Kicking myself in the butt about it, actually. How on earth did I allow it to transition form truly a friend to this? (Rhetorical question, but certainly something I need to consider). I'm much better than this. So, I'm now trying to form an email without emotion. That's the tough part, without revealing weaknesses. Sounding factual, not emotional. I haven't quite got that down pat yet. I welcome support for the difficulty that will follow. Absolutely. I would much rather chat here with helpful, than with selfish him online. I think it's good to send an email, nothing wrong with that, but I'd keep it short and simple, no long explanations. No need to show him your weaknesses. Congratulations of your plan to get out of the affair. It will be hard, you will hurt, you will miss him, but come here and lean on r/f friends to help you stay strong. The pain will pass, and you must walk thru it to get out of it. You are very self aware, that is a very good thing. 1
Author JaclynG Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I had the conversation. We were supposed to talk this week, he sent a text asking if I was free to talk. I said yes. He called and I had "the talk". Told him how I was uncomfortable and that this had gone in an unintended direction and it was wrong. I told him we can't have contact. He said he is going to respect my decision. I am a bit sad at the moment, but proud. So, be easy if you say anything at all. Thanks. 3
Author JaclynG Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I believe I'll want to take you up on your offer. I feel so much better writing here than to him. So, I appreciate the suggestion!! A lot!
Lillyfree Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 well done. you *should* be proud of yourself. now get ready for the withdrawals... a tough couple of weeks. as LG said, come here whenever you feel the need to. it's been over a couple of months of NC for me, and i'm still here there are some wonderful, insightful people on LS. 1
Author JaclynG Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 That is really great to know that you are able to come back and get the support too even that far after. Very happy for you and your situation that you are staying strong! I'm here to support you in that as well!! Good for you - You are right about the insightful, wonderful people on here. I am quite impressed. well done. you *should* be proud of yourself. now get ready for the withdrawals... a tough couple of weeks. as LG said, come here whenever you feel the need to. it's been over a couple of months of NC for me, and i'm still here there are some wonderful, insightful people on LS.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I want to send an email. I feel if I don't say something, he will continue to pursue me. (He may still, but that is not what I want. I promise you that!). Secondly, that is very much the reason I want out too - first, his wife. It's not fair. Second, he is validating himself through me and escaping the mundane in life. Third, you couldn't be more right - I've enjoyed his attention and all. BUT....it's at the point of diminishing returns and my conscience has finally kicked in 110%. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to find myself in this place. However, it is what it is and tomorrow is another day. It doesn't have to be something I stay in, nor carry forward. I agree. Tell him the truth and let him know as painful as it may be it's time to say goodbye. Wish him well and delete your email address/block him on facebook too. It's good you've realized that this isn't going anywhere. 22 years of marriage, he ain't divorcing..he's bored and looking for attention! You deserve better than that! He isn't your friend, if he was, nothing would have happened and no lines would have been crossed. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I had the conversation. We were supposed to talk this week, he sent a text asking if I was free to talk. I said yes. He called and I had "the talk". Told him how I was uncomfortable and that this had gone in an unintended direction and it was wrong. I told him we can't have contact. He said he is going to respect my decision. I am a bit sad at the moment, but proud. So, be easy if you say anything at all. Thanks. Just read this before I replied earlier.. Good that you did end it and that (hopefully!) he'll respect your decision and leave you alone. It's okay to be sad, just don't let this get you down for long! 1
Lillyfree Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 That is really great to know that you are able to come back and get the support too even that far after. Very happy for you and your situation that you are staying strong! I'm here to support you in that as well!! Good for you - You are right about the insightful, wonderful people on here. I am quite impressed. it's not just about getting support anymore - my A was a symptom of other things that were/are happening in my life. i'm very much over the sobbing and pining stage, but there is still so much more that i can learn and try to understand about myself. and of course, offer support and help others as much as i can.
Author JaclynG Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Yes, He'll respect my decision. I'm fairly certain of it.
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