loredo21 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I had a very short 2 month affair with someone that was not even my type in the beginning. Everything about him should make my skin crawl (as it would being any normal male i see)....he had bad manners, and an ugly giant mole, sweat a lot, and was bad in bed. haha. He was cute as heck and we had a lot in common and enjoyed eachother's company. We laughed a lot. And looked at the stars. And he got me to try things I wouldn't normally do. I get all that, in the "affair bubble". In the affair bubble he could have been a 3 headed hairy backed monster and I probably STILL would have been enamored. The fact that it is taking me THIS long to get over a 2 month affair. The fact that I STILL think about him everyday. The fact that I wait for him to break no contact, HAS to just be the rejection thing right? I know my need for external validation, as Pierre would put it. But I am not and have never needed that from any man aside from my H. ever. We never said "I love you". I'm sure part of us felt it was going there. But when D-day hit we both told our BS it was just a fling....so if it really was just a "fling" WHY can't I move on? 1
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I had a very short 2 month affair with someone that was not even my type in the beginning. Everything about him should make my skin crawl (as it would being any normal male i see)....he had bad manners, and an ugly giant mole, sweat a lot, and was bad in bed. haha. He was cute as heck and we had a lot in common and enjoyed eachother's company. We laughed a lot. And looked at the stars. And he got me to try things I wouldn't normally do. I get all that, in the "affair bubble". In the affair bubble he could have been a 3 headed hairy backed monster and I probably STILL would have been enamored. The fact that it is taking me THIS long to get over a 2 month affair. The fact that I STILL think about him everyday. The fact that I wait for him to break no contact, HAS to just be the rejection thing right? I know my need for external validation, as Pierre would put it. But I am not and have never needed that from any man aside from my H. ever. We never said "I love you". I'm sure part of us felt it was going there. But when D-day hit we both told our BS it was just a fling....so if it really was just a "fling" WHY can't I move on? You're grieving. The A, however long or short, played an important role to you and in your life - look what you risked in order to pursue it. Do not minimize its importance to you. We all process things differently - and you will recover (aka move on) when you do. And it's based on intensity of the A, the amount you invested in it, your own particular personality and other factors. It slowly fades, it doesn't vanish. To help you through, speak with friends, family (H included), MC, IC and anyone else who is a friend to you and your M. Work through the emotion and not against it. Recovery from an A is often compared to a recovering drug addict. It's not easy, it's fraught with relapse and it takes a strong circle of friends, family, professional guidance and absence of the drug to recover. 3
Author loredo21 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 You're grieving. The A, however long or short, played an important role to you and in your life - look what you risked in order to pursue it. Do not minimize its importance to you. We all process things differently - and you will recover (aka move on) when you do. And it's based on intensity of the A, the amount you invested in it, your own particular personality and other factors. It slowly fades, it doesn't vanish. To help you through, speak with friends, family (H included), MC, IC and anyone else who is a friend to you and your M. Work through the emotion and not against it. Recovery from an A is often compared to a recovering drug addict. It's not easy, it's fraught with relapse and it takes a strong circle of friends, family, professional guidance and absence of the drug to recover. very well said. thank you
Author loredo21 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Which one is it? A great important event? Or an addiction to a drug? i think by "great" he means a huge part of. not necessarily "great" as in awesome. A drug addiction can be huge part of your life too. doesn't make it awesome. I think it is comparable to a drug addiction. totally and completely. What I am feeling is withdrawal. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I had a very short 2 month affair with someone that was not even my type in the beginning. Everything about him should make my skin crawl (as it would being any normal male i see)....he had bad manners, and an ugly giant mole, sweat a lot, and was bad in bed. haha. He was cute as heck and we had a lot in common and enjoyed eachother's company. We laughed a lot. And looked at the stars. And he got me to try things I wouldn't normally do. I get all that, in the "affair bubble". In the affair bubble he could have been a 3 headed hairy backed monster and I probably STILL would have been enamored. The fact that it is taking me THIS long to get over a 2 month affair. The fact that I STILL think about him everyday. The fact that I wait for him to break no contact, HAS to just be the rejection thing right? I know my need for external validation, as Pierre would put it. But I am not and have never needed that from any man aside from my H. ever. We never said "I love you". I'm sure part of us felt it was going there. But when D-day hit we both told our BS it was just a fling....so if it really was just a "fling" WHY can't I move on? You need to identify how your AP made you feel....and why you felt that way. if you can Identify that, and what he did specifically to make you feel that way, you have two very positive actions you can take. make YOURSELF feel that way AND incorporate some of that into your marriage so your spouse can make you feel that way too. It is less about the actual AP, then the way you felt when with them that will help you the most in building a better you, marriage and future. 1
Author loredo21 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 You need to identify how your AP made you feel....and why you felt that way. if you can Identify that, and what he did specifically to make you feel that way, you have two very positive actions you can take. make YOURSELF feel that way AND incorporate some of that into your marriage so your spouse can make you feel that way too. It is less about the actual AP, then the way you felt when with them that will help you the most in building a better you, marriage and future. I totally agree with the sentiment "sometimes it's not the person you miss but the feeling you had when you were with them" 2
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 ...he had bad manners, and an ugly giant mole, sweat a lot, and was bad in bed. haha. Affair dynamic. That intensity you probably got addicted to..Not really him as you so described in a funny way above. 2
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Which one is it? A great important event? Or an addiction to a drug? It was and is an important event in her life and M. Recovery from is akin to beating drug addiction. I fail to see how they are mutually exclusive. (I don't recall using the word "great") 1
Author loredo21 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 It was and is an important event in her life and M. Recovery from is akin to beating drug addiction. I fail to see how they are mutually exclusive. (I don't recall using the word "great") right, you didn't use the word great. i believe you just meant the A is a significant part of a persons life, be it a good part or a bad part. and they are NOT mutually exclusive. It makes perfectly good sense to me, not sure why it doesn't to others.
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 right, you didn't use the word great. i believe you just meant the A is a significant part of a persons life, be it a good part or a bad part. and they are NOT mutually exclusive. It makes perfectly good sense to me, not sure why it doesn't to others. As long as YOU understand. You will get there. Not easy. But you will. In time, he'll just be another lover. Best served by asking yourself all those yucky nasty Q's that force us to look inside ourselves. Oddly, they always seem to start with"why" 2
RickFox Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I had a very short 2 month affair with someone that was not even my type in the beginning. Everything about him should make my skin crawl (as it would being any normal male i see)....he had bad manners, and an ugly giant mole, sweat a lot, and was bad in bed. haha. He was cute as heck and we had a lot in common and enjoyed eachother's company. We laughed a lot. And looked at the stars. And he got me to try things I wouldn't normally do. I get all that, in the "affair bubble". In the affair bubble he could have been a 3 headed hairy backed monster and I probably STILL would have been enamored. The fact that it is taking me THIS long to get over a 2 month affair. The fact that I STILL think about him everyday. The fact that I wait for him to break no contact, HAS to just be the rejection thing right? I know my need for external validation, as Pierre would put it. But I am not and have never needed that from any man aside from my H. ever. We never said "I love you". I'm sure part of us felt it was going there. But when D-day hit we both told our BS it was just a fling....so if it really was just a "fling" WHY can't I move on? I've learned to stop asking why because it only begs more questions and leaves you hanging on further. Instead just acknowledge that it was what it was and you honestly cared for the hairybacked mole ridden knuckledragger. If it was a fling, it'd have been a one time deal....you were moving into a 'relationship' so that's part of the reason....you can try to minimize what it was to you but you were a part of it emotionally and that is a huge reason for the addiction of the affair.....
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