DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) I'll try and keep it concise and accurate - as these break up stories seem to be long. Before I start I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read and reply, and I have read through this forum for the last week non-stop, it has helped me tremendously. So, I'm 25, and my ex-girlfriend is 20 - soon to be 21. We had been together for 3 years, 2 months. We met at my parent's business, and it took off from there. She had just gotten out of a 3 year, which was mutual, and I now think I was a rebound. But, she loved me unconditionally. The thing is I had severe depression, but now it is minor. When at work I threw a lot of tantrums, drank recreationally, lost my confidence, and smoked like a chimney. After slowly speaking to this girl at work, we developed a love for each other - and she aided me back to the right track. We did the entire vacations, movies, dinners, and what not. There were a lot of great memories. This girl has low self esteem, and little self worth, she would agree. Fast forward to 2 years into the relationship, I practically moved in with her, and her parents. There garage was converted into a room, so it was as if we had our own place - without the bills. She gave me a ring, wanted me to marry her, and I told her I wanted to wait, so I could buy her the right ring, and wait till she was 21. She was off-put by that, as she wasn't materialistic. Moving in with her was a mistake because I lost my ambition, and decided to take a break from working. But, she begged me to stay every night, and I did what she wanted. So, she had always been grateful that I got her a job at my parents business, after working there for 2 years, I got her a job at Pier One, but she quit because the hours were not ideal. 1 month prior to the breakup, she finally got her own job at Mountain Mikes, and felt like she had some independence. Another guy started talking to her, telling her she is cute, and posting on her Instagram. I gave her an ultimatum to quit, or I will walk out. It wasn't mature of me, but looking at it now, I don't think it was that bad. I believed she checked out of our relationship August/September 2012, when she started dental assisting school - she hated it with a passion, and still is on the verge of quitting. She looks up to her father, and really appreciates his insight. Always, I got a breakup letter saying, I didn't love her how I was supposed to, I never introduced her to my parents/friends(my parents are Indian, they didn't approve of her, and when I did introduce her to them, she said it was too late), she felt like she was a dirty little secret, I treated her like a maid, etc. Other classic lines, "not in love with you, but love you" Some of this is true, but not enough to where we couldn't have worked it out. She said she gave me chances, but as quiet as she is, she didn't. Anways, I felt like I got dumped, but we both said it was mutual. She was begging to be friends, and I could not bear being in the friend zone. She sent me an e-mail after a week of nc, which stated she felt she messed up her life by the age of 20, made a mistake going to dental assisting school, pressure to be the "responsible" child (as her brother is a bum), and is falling apart pathetically. I asked her before the no contact if she went out on a date with that guy to which she replied yes, we went for ice cream, I then asked if she kissed him, to which she replied, he kissed me. She wants to be friends for the emotional support, and to wean herself off me. I can understand why she ran into his arms, as she did the same with me, and it's all she has ever known. I don't know if she is still dating him or not, but her dad knew about it, as I openly discussed our relationship with him. He didn't approve. There family fell in love with me, and even her dad told me you really are a great guy. Try to wrap it up. Anyways, I really think she has GIGS, as all the symptoms fit her well. I wrote her one last letter about how she needs to build herself back up, without some guy. She responded with a yes, but knew it was much harder. She needs to love herself first, and take care of number one. I have been in no contact for 9 days now, it has been hard, but I know it's for the best. As of now, I do not want her back. I can't stomach another guy kissing her, but I don't know how I will feel after 60 days. I think she will come back, but I am not doing nc for that reason. I used to be a really cold person, and I always told her love doesn't exists it's just something you see in movies, and she taught me how vital it is in life. The last year of the relationship wasn't that great. I became too attached, clingy, worried about saving money so we could move out, sold my nice car for an average car. I was building a life for both of us, but should have been building it for myself (accomodable for 2). My main questions are: 1) If she did come back, and I think she is a jumper, but during our relationship I never thought she would leave, she seemed so loyal. Her dad has been with his wife for 40 years, and she is an addict. I figured she got her dad's loyalty, but she said she couldn't do it anymore. I know to take it slow, and it has to be a fresh start, but would it be worth it, or would I get hurt again? 2) She has always been good at hiding her feelings, and in that e-mail she stated during the days I can keep occupied, but at nights I feel alone, and sad/crying. Do you think she is just asking for my emotional support, so she can get an ego boosts, or maintain friendship? 3) What do you think will ultimately happen? I'll add other details if this thread progresses, as I hope it does. I really enjoy being on this site, and providing insight to others' stories. Thank You all for everything. Sorry, it was a little longer than expected. Edited January 23, 2013 by DrStrangelove spacing paragraphs
BiancaLDN Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You say you've been NC for 9 days (well done, btw) - has she contacted YOU in this time?
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Yes, one e-mail stating how her life is falling apart - and how I am the only person that would understand. She can't go to anyone else with her problems. I did not reply. She called me, I ignored. Then texted me and told my my voice mail isn't setup. I'm sure she will contact more frequently. She definitely wants what she cant have.
cavalier99 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Man sorry for the BU . I'm not sure what to say or have any deep insights except your doing the right thing if you stay NC. It is super tough early on and it is sometimes easy to cling to that false hope they will come back. They never do. If i can recommend anything it is follow the NC guide to the letter and KILL ALL HOPE ASAP. This will make it easier believe it or not. Hang strong! Cav 1
cavalier99 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Yes, one e-mail stating how her life is falling apart - and how I am the only person that would understand. She can't go to anyone else with her problems. I did not reply. She called me, I ignored. Then texted me and told my my voice mail isn't setup. I'm sure she will contact more frequently. She definitely wants what she cant have. Don't let her come to you with her problems unless you are together. F*ck that sh*t. If her life falls apart it is her problem not yours.
puzzled1 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Seems to me that she is in a different phase in her life. Sense she suffers from low esteem, she is trying to get attention wherever she can. I think she has checked out of this relationship though. You guys both need to focus on yourselves before you can focus on each other. If your parents wont approve of her, are you okay with that? She can't be treated like a maid. In 2 years, she never met your parents or your friends? That would make me feel like sh*t!
BiancaLDN Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Don't let her come to you with her problems unless you are together. F*ck that sh*t. If her life falls apart it is her problem not yours. I agree with this - it's not your responsibility to be there for her.
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Yea, I think she sort of came to terms that my mom wasn't for it. Also, I never had any friends anyways. There are mostly tokers/lame. The ones I do hang out with are once in a while. There wasn't ever a time to take her and introduce her. And, after a while my rents did come to accept her, but she said only after this fight that I did it. I still did it though. Your right, we both need to work on ourselves - it's what my sis has been preaching to me. We both lost our independence, and self. Thanks for the reply.
cottom Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Well you saw how she ended up the last relationship, she ran to you and stayed with you then as soon as the honeymoon period ends she looks for something new and exciting. My ex did the same thing, 2 years with her ex then she "loved him but didnt love him" she left him and within a week she was with me. 2 years later i got the line "i love you but im not in love with you" we had ended our honeymoon stage, she even said were too comfortable with each other and theres nothing new and exciting about each other. She wanted a break but within a week met up with another guy who had been flirting with her the past month of our relationship, coming to visit her flat everyday when i could only see her once a week, she insisted they were friends but i saw her face when he would text her. We had LC for 2 weeks with me begging for a second chance, while she was still meeting up with this other boy, she said they had been kissing and that really hurts. I want her but i dont want her back now because of what she has done. Mine and your problem was we went for an immature girl who has only had one proper relationship before so they do not understand the stages relationships go through, they are too young to know and work through when the love changes from new and exciting to settled and long lasting. They just assosciate this with falling out of love and getting bored. When she grows up maybe your girl will realise what she had but for now she is too young and is coping with you leaving the same as how she did with her ex by getting another guy.
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Don't let her come to you with her problems unless you are together. F*ck that sh*t. If her life falls apart it is her problem not yours. Yea, its a package deal - love, problems, me - don't get one w out the other I agree with this - it's not your responsibility to be there for her. Thanks again. I really don't want to help her, as that last letter offered her all the help she will need. I will keep this thread updated, as I am sure I will hear from her soon.
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Well you saw how she ended up the last relationship, she ran to you and stayed with you then as soon as the honeymoon period ends she looks for something new and exciting. My ex did the same thing, 2 years with her ex then she "loved him but didnt love him" she left him and within a week she was with me. 2 years later i got the line "i love you but im not in love with you" we had ended our honeymoon stage, she even said were too comfortable with each other and theres nothing new and exciting about each other. She wanted a break but within a week met up with another guy who had been flirting with her the past month of our relationship, coming to visit her flat everyday when i could only see her once a week, she insisted they were friends but i saw her face when he would text her. We had LC for 2 weeks with me begging for a second chance, while she was still meeting up with this other boy, she said they had been kissing and that really hurts. I want her but i dont want her back now because of what she has done. Mine and your problem was we went for an immature girl who has only had one proper relationship before so they do not understand the stages relationships go through, they are too young to know and work through when the love changes from new and exciting to settled and long lasting. They just assosciate this with falling out of love and getting bored. When she grows up maybe your girl will realise what she had but for now she is too young and is coping with you leaving the same as how she did with her ex by getting another guy. WOW! Thanks man - those words are dead on. I did find an immature girl - although she found me, and I was broken, I took what I could. I hope that her last relationship/and ours might have been enough to realize the stages of relationships. I mean 6 years?? But, she probably will have to go through more to completely find herself, and what it is she wants.
flitzanu Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 first thing, "symptoms of GIGS" or not, that's irrelevant. it's a fancy acronym for people that are fickle and want to leave to try new things. now, i was in EXACTLY your position in age once, with a girl turning 21 soon and i was 25. we were together 2 years, and lived together most of it, and she used the same excuses of how i didn't treat her right, she felt like a maid, i wasn't pursuing a future with her, blah blah. she left me, and was married within a year. ten years later, she writes me apologizing, now that she's older and mature. thing is, you're chasing a TWENTY ONE year old girl. you're chasing a dream at this point. she's young and is going to want to experience life, and that doesn't matter how poorly you DID treat her, or how poorly she SAYS you treated her. the second she started getting any attention from ANY other male...she started realizing how nice it was and wanted more of it. she wasn't going to get that from you, so she left. now of course she wants you as a friend, because she just lost her concept of being in love with you, and she wants to see other people. she's obviously not going to tell you that. so she wants you around to carry her emotional baggage as her best friend but without the benefits of being her lover, all the while she will be out looking for new men. stay NC and don't fall for her games.
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 first thing, "symptoms of GIGS" or not, that's irrelevant. it's a fancy acronym for people that are fickle and want to leave to try new things. now, i was in EXACTLY your position in age once, with a girl turning 21 soon and i was 25. we were together 2 years, and lived together most of it, and she used the same excuses of how i didn't treat her right, she felt like a maid, i wasn't pursuing a future with her, blah blah. she left me, and was married within a year. ten years later, she writes me apologizing, now that she's older and mature. thing is, you're chasing a TWENTY ONE year old girl. you're chasing a dream at this point. she's young and is going to want to experience life, and that doesn't matter how poorly you DID treat her, or how poorly she SAYS you treated her. the second she started getting any attention from ANY other male...she started realizing how nice it was and wanted more of it. she wasn't going to get that from you, so she left. now of course she wants you as a friend, because she just lost her concept of being in love with you, and she wants to see other people. she's obviously not going to tell you that. so she wants you around to carry her emotional baggage as her best friend but without the benefits of being her lover, all the while she will be out looking for new men. stay NC and don't fall for her games. One love. Thanks for taking the time to read/reply. I really wish I could send her all this. I won't, but damn you guys have been such a help, and I can see all this clearer now.
flitzanu Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 One love. Thanks for taking the time to read/reply. I really wish I could send her all this. I won't, but damn you guys have been such a help, and I can see all this clearer now. it wouldn't change her mind anyway, brother like i said, it took my ex TEN YEARS before she owned up to her maturity level and apologized for the way things happened back then. everything she blames on you is most likely just a front. she's gonna blame it on you so she doesn't have to feel guilty.
Author DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 it wouldn't change her mind anyway, brother like i said, it took my ex TEN YEARS before she owned up to her maturity level and apologized for the way things happened back then. everything she blames on you is most likely just a front. she's gonna blame it on you so she doesn't have to feel guilty. Yea, thing is - in her earlier letters she said she resented me for dental school, as I pressured her into it. Then 3 weeks later, she said she felt bad for putting the blame on me, and knew it was her fault. I think she is going to realize things quickly. This sounds like I have false hope. I just think she will figure things out as she is very mature - but her emotions/stress got the best of her right now. But, who knows - I'm slowly getting over it.
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