fortyninethousand322 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 This is an issue I've been pondering about for a while. Do most people have a gap between what they want and what they can get? I guess this is related to the "pickiness" or "high standards" issue but maybe not. I've personally never had a girl be interested in me (I dated a girl for a few months once who never let me kiss her and barely let me hug her). Conversely, I've been interested in several women over the years and never had that interest reciprocated. Obviously the bulk of my dating endeavors over the past say 2-3 years has been via online dating sites but my attempts in "real life" have been just as unsuccessful. I've been told I'm a fairly good looking guy (though mostly that's from biased sources like friends or family) sometimes by the same people who tell me that some girl was checking me out in the grocery store, etc. I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm a "bad looking" guy, but I don't consider myself in the top tier of attractiveness either. As far as what I'm attracted to, it's usually brunette women, Asian women, Middle Eastern women, Indian women, Hispanic women and black women. Not too much into blondes or red heads. I'm not attracted to heavier women (not to be confused with truly "curvy" women), but I don't mind skinny women (I once went on a date with a girl who weighed maybe 90 lbs). And I also don't really care how a woman dresses (maybe at the extremes but not often). Age isn't all that important to me either, though anything under 20 seems weird, same with anything over 35 or so. In high school and college I never went after that stereotypical "hot chick" that most guys seemed to drool over; usually I went after the regular girl...with no success obviously. In any case, I understand that I'm not well off financially, I'm balding, I've never had a relationship and I've never kissed a girl. Those are turnoffs to some (perhaps even most, I don't know) women. Still though, how does one know their dating niche, how does one know that what they're attracted to isn't all that often attracted to you in return? I understand that OLD is often window shopping for people so it's not to be taken as any definitive measure. But, don't most people accidentally find themselves in relationships if not in relationships on purpose? Especially during high school and college years? I went to college for five years and not once did I find that someone was interested in me. Am I recognizing the signals properly? Do I have a "champagne taste on a beer budget"? How does one know what kind of person they should try to date? I'm deathly afraid that my standards are too high, but honestly, I don't know... I know I sound neurotic, but it's something I've been thinking about.
harnold Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I've offered it to you before. I said fly me out and put me in a hotel and pay my expenses and I'll teach you how to get a gf. I also invited you to come out and visit me. You actually sound like a catch. You seem like a smart guy considering you understand voluntarism. Your mind seems to have a mental block I'm guessing caused by fear of women. Just go to a club and find the hottest girl and tell her " I've never kissed a girl, lets make my first kiss right now." I don't know if that would work but that's some bold ass sht. You know what even better pull this line on a hot girl you just see walking around town or at the book store or what ever. You need your first kiss. Lol tremendous line. Would definitely work at the club. I thank you for my new pickup line
Bristolius Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Gee, I guess your post needs to start at a super high pitch, and just get more and more strident and aggressively accusatory. Then the regulars here would blow up the thread arguing with you and each other. At any rate you used the word neurotic. Depression is classed as neurotic. Are you depressed? You sound like it to me. Depression can cause, among other problems, low energy and passivity. This leads to a half-assed approach to life. It's hard to get results that way. Have you ever had a mental health evaluation?
TouchedByViolet Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Sorry to here about your struggles. Based on what you have written I can't really determine what is preventing you from getting a girl you like. As far as the main topic of the thread I think sometimes a little compromise and wiggle room is required. However, you should only get into a long-term relationship with someone who makes you happy.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Have you ever had a mental health evaluation? No, I've never felt the need to. I mean sometimes I get sad or feel hopeless about things. But I've never thought I had a problem that needed "medicinal" correction. Those things are not to be trifled with.
Bristolius Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 No, I've never felt the need to. I mean sometimes I get sad or feel hopeless about things. But I've never thought I had a problem that needed "medicinal" correction. Those things are not to be trifled with. An evaluation would not result in a mandatory prescription. Besides depression there is dysthymia. Maybe you could read about it?
pteromom Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I went to college for five years and not once did I find that someone was interested in me. What did you do to try to find this? Did you just sit there waiting for someone to show interest, or did you go ask out a bunch of girls and actively work on it? Am I recognizing the signals properly? Do I have a "champagne taste on a beer budget"? How does one know what kind of person they should try to date? I'm deathly afraid that my standards are too high, but honestly, I don't know... Obviously, you want to be attracted to the person you date. But as far as what kind of person you want to date, your list needs to focus more on integrity and compatibility and less on hair color. If there was a woman who was attracted to you, a beast in bed, interested in a lot of the same things as you, and with similar life goals to you, it would be pretty sad to pass her by because she has blonde hair. (Who knows - maybe she'd even be willing to color her hair darker for you?) You have to think about your "deal breakers" and be open to dating anyone who doesn't have them. Because you never know until you try. I have no idea if you are recognizing signals properly, but waiting for signals can be a waste of your time. If you feel that spark or connection, just ask her out and see what happens. She may say NO, but the next girl may say YES.
jcrew11 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Try to hit on fat girl and ugly girls just to practice your pick-up techniques even if you have no interest in calling them or kissing them. It will at least boost your confidence with women and make you more comfortable around them, and what they want and expect out of an conversation with a man. Find a job in sales or as a waiter, where you have to talk to women as customers. This will make you more comfortable "up-selling yourself" to women.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 What did you do to try to find this? Did you just sit there waiting for someone to show interest, or did you go ask out a bunch of girls and actively work on it? Both I guess? I mean I didn't just sit there in all of my classes waiting for people to talk to me, I did make efforts to talk to people and develop a rapport (men and women). I just never developed any chemistry with any women that hinted at or indicated romantic or sexual interest (on their part). Obviously, you want to be attracted to the person you date. But as far as what kind of person you want to date, your list needs to focus more on integrity and compatibility and less on hair color. If there was a woman who was attracted to you, a beast in bed, interested in a lot of the same things as you, and with similar life goals to you, it would be pretty sad to pass her by because she has blonde hair. (Who knows - maybe she'd even be willing to color her hair darker for you?) Obviously. This thread was more about what I'm usually physically attracted to and whether I'm overstepping my bounds in that sense. I also included body type as well. There have been a few blonde haired women to whom I've been attracted to, I was just talking about generalities and trends I've noticed about myself. You have to think about your "deal breakers" and be open to dating anyone who doesn't have them. Because you never know until you try. The thing is I don't have that many deal breakers. Smoking is one, atheism is another (although I'm fine with someone who is agnostic or non-religious), someone who is stuck up, that's really it. I have no idea if you are recognizing signals properly, but waiting for signals can be a waste of your time. If you feel that spark or connection, just ask her out and see what happens. She may say NO, but the next girl may say YES. Problem is I don't feel a spark or a connection. I did with one girl but that was the one who played head games with me, which sort of created some self doubt. But, it's not just signals in terms of whether I should ask a girl out, but also signals like "is she receptive to me going in for a kiss or hold her hand", etc. All of that stuff. I feel completely clueless about it.
Recommended Posts