sweetkiwi Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 My babbo has never hidden his disappointment that I am no longer with my ex. (Babbo means daddy). And my mom always says things like, "just go get him back", "you two belong together", and "he does love you." And now my brothers are joining the chorus. They always ask about him. Telling me that he is a great man. Recently saying I should get back together with him. And I found out through our mutual friend that even HIS family wants us together. They ask about me all the time and say they miss seeing me. Which is strange because in 7 months the only time I saw his family was on accident. He made no efforts to have me be part of his family life. Which is fairly normal for Italian males unfortunately. Even I miss being with him terribly. I have to remind myself constantly why I ended it in the first place. And most days it's a losing battle. Now that literally everyone close to us is saying that we should be together things are getting really confusing and frustrating. How am I supposed to stay strong and remember that I can't entertain thoughts of being together. He won't change. He can't communicate his feelings or communicate about mine. He can't even say that he loves me. I am so scared to get sucked back in and go through the same thing. The same heartbreak when he stops kissing me. And his inability to say the simplest things, let alone the big ones.
iouaname Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 That must be tough. Have you tried politely telling your family to just leave it alone? Our family and friends always see things from an outside perspective. They don't always understand the stuff beneath the surface. 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I have told them. They see how miserable I have become after the breakup. They want me happy. And so do I!! I just know that if we tried again the same problems would arise. They knew and saw how hurt I was the last time around. We're just such different people in terms of affection and communication. And we have talked about getting together again. Hypothetically of course. And everytime he says I need more than he can give. That's true. I need to be told once that he thinks I am beautiful. That he appreciates me. And that he loves me. My family knows all that. But somehow they think I should ignore the bad and focus on the good. Normally I would agree. But that's only within a relationship where love and security is already established.
sharkbite Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 yea, i dealt with the same type of thing. when we broke up (it was me doing all the work when finally I sat her down for a talk and just flat out asked, "so you want to break up?" she said "yea I guess so, its going to be the biggest mistake of my life" after that obviously my friends foundout, family found out and everyone always replied with "well she was a really great girl" I just want to yell at them and scream "I KNOW THIS!!" but it wasn't mutual apparently, the choices were made....Everyone saw us as an incredible couple and some of my friends even just didn't believe it, people off of facebook that i would randomly see out come up and say "you guys were always so happy together"....well, what do you want me to tell ya. You just have to remember that the decision was made....for whatever reasons and no one but the 2 people that are in the relationship really know how it is/was. So stay strong and eventually they will start accepting it, if not then confront them and really let them know that "hey, I know its a hard thing to accept but if I'm accepting it and went through it then so do you, I wish I could have more support being that its not as simple as I'm just not interested anymore, we had a past we tried, and for now we have to go our seperate ways" ...you sound like in the relationship you were able to be open and share your feelings, maybe now is a time that you could use that to your advantage. I was in the same boat (even though I'm a male) I was always the one bringing up an issue if it came up, and she hardly said anything about it, it drives me crazy when people can't communicate, and it really hurt to think that all I wanted was the best for us but she just couldn't talk to me like i want my partner to be able to talk. I want them to be open and share whats bothering them.........the search continues, sorry for going off on a tangent and venting my own problems. 1
sharkbite Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 apparently its known as kind of "gay" and unattractive when a guy shares his feelings and has open lines for communication like I do..........every relationship I've had I sit down and talk to the girl, I never yell, never scream, never use derogatory words to insult or hurt the other person. Just hope it works out eventually and I find a girl that can actually respect a guy like me for being the way I am. 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 apparently its known as kind of "gay" and unattractive when a guy shares his feelings and has open lines for communication like I do..........every relationship I've had I sit down and talk to the girl, I never yell, never scream, never use derogatory words to insult or hurt the other person. Just hope it works out eventually and I find a girl that can actually respect a guy like me for being the way I am. I know a woman who would appreciate that kind of man!!!! ME and every other healthy adult!!! Sounds like we had the same issues in our relationships. Its so incredibly frustrating that he's a great guy. He took care of me and cared for me as best he could. But at 29 how can you not know how to communicate basic needs? Feelings? Our small problems became bigger and more frustrating. When I believe it'd be easy to fix if he in fact DID love me. 2
KatZee Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 apparently its known as kind of "gay" and unattractive when a guy shares his feelings and has open lines for communication like I do..........every relationship I've had I sit down and talk to the girl, I never yell, never scream, never use derogatory words to insult or hurt the other person. Just hope it works out eventually and I find a girl that can actually respect a guy like me for being the way I am. You know what's even "gay'er" ? It's when a grown man DOESN'T communicate. And isn't capable of it. Who hides problems, runs from problems and can't even verbalize what they need. 3
sharkbite Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 thank you kiwi and katz........both great comments, and definitely helped pick me up out of my rut (at least for the time being). It gives me hope knowing there are people like you girls out there, and hopefully a person like me will meet up with a person like you someday haha. Even just being on a site like this.....makes ya realize that we are taking steps to better ourselves, we don't just run to a pill to make the pain go away........sometimes depression is normal, and just a state of mind we have to let pass with time. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 He won't change. He can't communicate his feelings or communicate about mine. He can't even say that he loves me. Sounds like our exes have a lot in common. Are you really going to be happy having to wonder all the time how he feels about you, if he really loves you? I wasn't. It didn't matter how much of a catch he was, or how strong my feelings were for him. If they're not reciprocated - or if the guy doesn't verbalize them, it just sucks. We're just such different people in terms of affection and communication. Same in my case. I am VERY loving, affectionate, sweet, and expressive. I give sincere affection, compliments, encouragement, support, and love freely and openly. If I wanted any sweetness, I usually had to coax it out of him. Being with a guy who's NOT like that, I had to rein it in big time - and that sucked! Eventually, I felt like I couldn't even be myself, like I had to pretend to be this stuffy, reserved person like him just so the energy felt balanced. You know what you need, and you know exactly how crappy it feels when you're not getting it. My family and friends said stuff like this, too. "You're so cute together", "you seem great together", "you complement each other", "he seems like such a great guy", "he's obviously crazy about you", and on and on. But they don't know what's really going on, how everything feels, what's right for you. Only you know that. 1
Keenly Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) Do not let outside influences make life decisions for you. How dare anyone, family includes, tell YOU who YOU should be with. That is your choice, probably the only choice on life we get.to truly make. Please do not let anyone make this decision for you, as it will lead to regret and resentment down the road. Just my two cents anyway, as a random.internet stranger. Edited January 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
OJ loved Nicole Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You can live YOUR life for everyone else or you can live it for yourself..... I hope, for your sake, you choose the ladder. 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Oh I am definitely choosing myself over the relationship. Its just hard is all. And when all our friends and family chime in about how we should be together things get even more difficult. Plus the fact that I am nearly friendless here. And my only friends are mutual friends of ours. I think about him so much. And I have to stop. Because as soon as I get a drink in me while out, he's all I talk about too. I know in time I will be better. And I know this is one of the best and most difficult choices I have ever made. And continue to make. But as a loving person, when you try to kiss your other, and they turn their head or keep their eyes open, it kills you. I felt so ****ing needy with him. And thats because we were so ill matched affection wise. I really held back but it wasn't me. And the communication, or lack there of, was insanely frustrating. His father is the same way. And he has to travel to Brazil to feel like himself. I always told my ex I didn't want that to be him. That he had to find his Brazil wherever he was. Find his happiness. Because it certainly isn't here. Or with me. Its incredible how some people will stay with others out of comfort instead of true desire. Thats not me at all. 2
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