Feeling lost...

[Boy Band]

I posted in the coping forum the other day and got no responses - hopefully it's not because my posting was too long. I tried to describe my experience.

 

I'm new here but like a lot of the people in the threads I've been reading, I was unceremoniously dumped (towards the end of last year). Both in our mid-30s, had been with her for a year and a half, it had been really good - she's intelligent, warm, energetic, attractive - and I really felt we had optimism for the future.

 

The breakup itself came over a few weeks in November. I felt things from her end were maybe a bit different around September or October, but I put it down to tiredness, stress with work, and other things. Tried to talk about it and was somewhat reassured that things were OK.

 

Then came the bombshell... "I don't want to do this anymore." I was blindsided, I had no inkling other than a little bit of distance that had starting to creep in and prompted me to ask again what was up. Pressed for a bit more... "I don't have the same feelings anymore", "I don't enjoy feeling wanted by you anymore" and then - finally - "I still think about my ex sometimes and wonder whether we could ever rebuild what we had."

 

Her relationship with her ex was long term, and I could probably be classed as a rebound for her. I did seek some assurances about this to begin with, and was told "I'm over him", "he treated me badly" (which he did - he abandoned her when she needed him), "I feel things with you that I never felt with him."

 

I tried to reason, I was upset but not angry, and it was pretty clear she wasn't going to budge. I pleaded for a chance, at least to talk, but she said her decision had already been made and it was final. In some ways she seemed genuinely sympathetic to how she'd made me feel, in other ways she was cold and unwavering. I was absolutely heartbroken. She didn't give us a real chance. We'd never had a major argument, we just "got on", did the fun things and the mundane things together. I was very much in love with her and I know she was with me - at one point.

 

So I left and that was that. She said she wanted us to be friends in the future (which is what every girl has ever said to me when they've dumped me). I asked her how that would work, and she said I'll always have a place in her heart (just not the #1 place?). It made me feel uncomfortable, but I was so upset I didn't rule it out. She said the breakup was down to her, not me, she needed time to "sort out her feelings". I said I'd respect that. I wasn't using NC to begin with but have read the guide now. We had very limited contact over Christmas, she wrote to me wishing me the best and saying she felt sad and was sorry for hurting me and felt bad about that. I told her how I felt - which she'd have already have known - and that was that. We exchanged a few texts over NYE, but she was colder, and another few texts a recently, and it felt like crumbs. I was seeing her Facebook statuses at this time and it seemed like she was moving on, going out, having fun, joking with her friends - while I was stuck in the mud feeling terrible.

 

Now I can't see any other option than NC. She's only ever going to give a few crumbs. Sometimes I feel like it's a nightmare, I can't believe what we had and how quickly it disappeared. I've thought a lot about it... maybe she wants to give her ex another go - but my heart always said they'd never be able to reconcile. After reading threads here I can see she became emotionally unavailable, which is ironic considering that is what her ex did to her. Was she seeing her ex before she broke up with me, or had she been in touch with him? My inclination is that she didn't... she seemed almost afraid of having contact with him.

 

On top of the massive sense of loss, the feeling that I lost someone truly amazing, I don't know what else I could've done for her. I really put 110% in... and I know that for all the guilt-lessening excuses ("it's not you, it's me"), the simple fact is that if I'd been good enough for her, she wouldn't have let me go. If she is going back to the ex, she's trying to do what I'd like to happen for myself - for her to come back. I asked her when we broke up if there was someone else, and she said there wasn't.

 

I'm left hurt and confused. It's a painful point when you cut off the hope of ever getting them back. How could we be friends when we can't even communicate what we were feeling? Do you ever get the sense of closure about what happened or why? I know people write that you don't need to know, but it feels like things happen for a reason, and when you gave something your all and it doesn't work out, I think it's natural to want to know where it went wrong.

 

I have the upset tummy, the butterflies, the shakes, the terrible sleep, the lack of appetite, the lack of pleasure in doing pretty much everything. Can't get out of bed of a morning, have moments at work where my pulse races and I honestly can't believe what it's come to and how quickly it slipped through my fingers. I never had a chance, I never saw it coming. I've been exercising regularly even before the breakup, so I've carried on with that, I've even tried stepping up what I do - but even the gym isn't really helping the way I feel. I just want to go back to what I had, even though I know it's gone. Love is cruel?

[TopCat22]

There is nothin anyone here can say to make it better. In time you will start to move on and feel better about yourself. Eventually you'll be ready to meet someone new and try again. It's going to be a rough time for you, but sadly there is no miracle cure.

 

If she wants to be with her ex then nothing you say or do is going to stop her trying. It doesn't matter how well you treated her or how great you were together. Women make their choices based on emotion and to us men that it why they rarely make sense. It's only natural to look at yourself and wonder what you could have done differently, the answer is probably very little.

 

NC is the best thing for you. It will feel horrible but you can't be her friend. Let her see what life is like without you.

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Time is the only thing that will help.

 

I don't think there is anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome. We can only be ourselves and sometimes that doesn't work unfortunately.

 

Make sure to tell yourself she is gone everyday. Don't cling on to any hope that she will return. This will help you move forward. Good luck

[Boy Band]

Thanks for your replies. I've had breakups in the past but this one feels a lot more painful. With the others, I had an idea it was coming to an end, or I wasn't happy myself. This time I'm trying to keep going with NC - does anyone find it almost feels worse at first? As if you've given up? Cut adrift? And for some reason you still want to know what they're doing, even though it hurts? Maybe it's delusional, but you almost want to know if they feel as bad you're feeling, as if somehow that would make it 'better'?

 

I must admit, I looked at her blankly when she said she wanted us to be friends in the future. When you're upset, it almost sounds comforting, but I've never maintained a friendship with any ex. Do they really want or believe it, or is it purely for them to feel less guilt associated with dumping you when you did nothing 'wrong' to them? (They lost attraction?)

[cavalier99]

I'm with you man. This has been a super tough breakup for me. I think NC helps you heal faster and i think it does make it easier because who can deal with the irrational hope that comes with contact. The tough part is that it truly forces you to let go and process the loss because they are 100 percent gone. This might be why you feel it is harder in a way. It is truly cold turkey and withdrawal....not tapering down.

 

Anyway, i feel that my ex isn't hurting at all and is happy with her new guy (if she is still with him?). This seems to help me not harbour false hope. I know it is over. Still doesn't prevent some irrational thoughts/fantasies. Anyway today sorta sucks for me. 4 months today was beginning of the end. Just has me in a funk. Gotta snap out of it.

 

Hang strong. Cav

[Chi townD]

Do they really want or believe it, or is it purely for them to feel less guilt associated with dumping you when you did nothing 'wrong' to them? (They lost attraction?)

 

BINGO! You hit the nail on the head. They say that to ease their own guilt and would love nothing more than to get you in the "friend zone". Look, she knows she ripped your heart out and most girls have a hard time accepting that there might a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. It eats at them. So, They go through more trouble, time and effort to get you in the "friend zone" rather than work things out with you. Isn't that screwed up?

 

She's not sorry for breaking up with you, she's not sorry she hurt you. What she is remorseful about is how it's making HER feel. Very selfishly motivated. She would love to say to herself, "Oh look! Where not together anymore, but we're still really good friends and he doesn't hate me. I guess the break up was for the best afterall!"

[Boy Band]

Thanks for your replies. I've been keeping to NC... just. I think blocking Facebook was a big thing - after the breakup I'd had her as a 'close friend' on Facebook and it meant I was getting every single one of her status updates sent directly to my phone - not the sort of thing you need to be seeing if you want to feel better. Sometimes I wonder about the worth of Facebook...

 

I have to be honest and say that NC is hard, even though I know there's really no other sensible option. After the shock and disbelief of the breakup, you hope that almost immediately they'll come to their senses and try to make things up. And it doesn't happen. All you have is hope.

 

I find the mornings and the nights the hardest. If I'm at the gym or at work, it doesn't seem to be anywhere near as bad. I literally feel sick when I wake up in the morning. I still sleep poorly, wake up through the night. Before NC, I was checking my phone - irrational, I know - now I don't.

 

And a part of me still wants to know what she thinks, how she feels. I know it's counterproductive, I know it doesn't really matter, and it doesn't change anything. She made her choice, she wouldn't discuss it, she was resolute - almost cold-hearted. But you can't help but wonder what you meant, what it all meant, when it meant everything to you.

[Chi townD]

You once wrote here that you felt that you lost an amazing person. No you didn't. You lost someone that was using you. Yeah, you were the rebound guy. So, in my opinion, you didn't lose much.

 

She said that she felt like giving her Ex another go. Well, she wouldn't have even said that to you if the Ex wasn't sniffing around. THAT'S how much you meant to her. That she was willing to toss you to the curb on a guy that might have showed just a little tiny speck of interest into entering the relationship with her again, verus a guy that invested 100% of himself into the relationship. And yet, you get the short end of the stick.

 

You need to remove ALL reminders of her. You need to restrict access to all mutual friends status updates so you don't see anything that has reference to her. Keep her blocked on facebook and make positive changes in your life.

 

Hang in there! NC is hard at first, but it does get easier.

 

You're doing great!

[StraylightRun24]

BINGO! You hit the nail on the head. They say that to ease their own guilt and would love nothing more than to get you in the "friend zone". Look, she knows she ripped your heart out and most girls have a hard time accepting that there might a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. It eats at them. So, They go through more trouble, time and effort to get you in the "friend zone" rather than work things out with you. Isn't that screwed up?

 

She's not sorry for breaking up with you, she's not sorry she hurt you. What she is remorseful about is how it's making HER feel. Very selfishly motivated. She would love to say to herself, "Oh look! Where not together anymore, but we're still really good friends and he doesn't hate me. I guess the break up was for the best afterall!"

 

Chi townD is EXACTLY right about this. When I talked to my ex a couple of days after she broke up with me she did the whole, "I want to friends" shtick and I called her out on it. I told her that she was only calling me and acting concerned and "wanting to be friends" because she felt guilty about breaking up with me. Just for the hell of it I asked her what we would do as "just friends?" She told me we could play trivia (something we'd do regularly as a couple) or go bowling with a group. I had been reduced to that guy who goes bowling in a group! lol

 

@Boy Band. That was the last time I've had any contact with her. She wanted to call me in a couple of weeks to "check up" on me aka make herself feel less guilt, but I told her that wasn't a good idea and I would contact her when/if I'm ready (cue the crying on her end....and I thought I was the one who got dumped ). That was over a month ago and I'm not going to lie I still have my doubts about the whole NC deal but it's really the only logical option. Like everybody says on here it eventually hurts a little less, but it's a struggle to get there....

[Boy Band]

I appreciate the comments and insight. Maybe these things seem obvious to you, but it's so hard when you're gripped with emotion to see past it.

 

@ Chitown D:

 

You're right, I think I was a rebound guy. We'd talked about it early on, and she made it clear that she was through with the ex, and that she didn't have feelings for him anymore. I took things fairly slowly but that seemed quite clear. Maybe she was in contact with him before the breakup, but I just can't seem to believe it. Maybe I don't want to believe it? She didn't seem like she deceived me. If anything, she seemed confused. At other times she was saying she needed space to sort her feelings out.

 

When she broke up with me, she said that in the time we'd been together I'd made her feel wanted again, and it made her feel good, but a year and a half later she didn't want that anymore. That made me feel great, is that all I was?

 

The thing is that her ex was emotionally unavailable, left her when she needed him the most, wouldn't talk with her. And she herself is now emotionally unavailable?

 

@ StraylightRun24:

It's a sickener when they offer you 'friendship'. I must admit, I was in so much shock and so upset that it didn't occur to me to cast that offer aside. I was still trying to understand just what had happened, and why. But I can remember her saying much the same things: "I want us to always be able to hang out", and so on. To make her feel better. All that we'd had and done, and now I was relegated to being someone she could hang out with!

 

The last 'meaningful' contact she had with me was around Christmas. She sent me a text wishing me well, she seemed genuinely sad. I secretly hoped there was some regret there on her part. She also reiterated that she didn't feel she could give me what I 'deserved' (another guilt-free saying, kind of like: "I'm to blame, not you").

 

There's really only NC now. It's a weird feeling now, some others have described it here: with every day that passes, I still miss her, but I wonder what I would say if we were to talk. I'm not sure anymore.

 

Does anyone else have the conversations in their mind that they wish they could have or could've had with their ex?

[Chi townD]

@ Chitown D:

 

You're right, I think I was a rebound guy. We'd talked about it early on, and she made it clear that she was through with the ex, and that she didn't have feelings for him anymore. I took things fairly slowly but that seemed quite clear. Maybe she was in contact with him before the breakup, but I just can't seem to believe it. Maybe I don't want to believe it? She didn't seem like she deceived me. If anything, she seemed confused. At other times she was saying she needed space to sort her feelings out.

 

When she broke up with me, she said that in the time we'd been together I'd made her feel wanted again, and it made her feel good, but a year and a half later she didn't want that anymore. That made me feel great, is that all I was?

 

The thing is that her ex was emotionally unavailable, left her when she needed him the most, wouldn't talk with her. And she herself is now emotionally unavailable?

 

 

 

Yep! that tells me right there you were the rebound guy with her statement. That you made her feel wanted. Made her feel loved and secure. You made her feel good. Hell, the majority of ALL women are looking for that EXACT thing! So, why the hell would you leave something that was soooo good for you?

 

Because, you were the rebound. She was using you to fill the emotional gap that her Ex as left. You were an emotional tampon for her. And as soon as her Ex came sniffing around. You became yesterday's news. She sounds like she's attracted to the "bad boy" image. Her Ex never put her on a pedistal and she wants the chase. To try and get him to give her the feeling of being wanted and love and secure by the Ex who clearly doesn't provide it.

 

Don't try to make heads or tails of it. You'll never figure it out. If a guy has a rep of being a "bad boy" and projects the image of a "bad boy"; logic only dictates that sooner or later, they are going to start treating you BADLY! And yet, they still do it. They still chase after them.

 

So, you need to come to terms that you got used. Do NC heal and move on. Trust me, there are girls that chase after the Bad boy douche rockets, but there's also a lot of girls that are done playing those games. You need to find those girls.

[StraylightRun24]

 

@ StraylightRun24:

It's a sickener when they offer you 'friendship'. I must admit, I was in so much shock and so upset that it didn't occur to me to cast that offer aside. I was still trying to understand just what had happened, and why. But I can remember her saying much the same things: "I want us to always be able to hang out", and so on. To make her feel better. All that we'd had and done, and now I was relegated to being someone she could hang out with!

 

The last 'meaningful' contact she had with me was around Christmas. She sent me a text wishing me well, she seemed genuinely sad. I secretly hoped there was some regret there on her part. She also reiterated that she didn't feel she could give me what I 'deserved' (another guilt-free saying, kind of like: "I'm to blame, not you").

 

There's really only NC now. It's a weird feeling now, some others have described it here: with every day that passes, I still miss her, but I wonder what I would say if we were to talk. I'm not sure anymore.

 

Does anyone else have the conversations in their mind that they wish they could have or could've had with their ex?

 

@Boy Band, don't beat yourself up too much about not casting aside the offer of friendship. You sound a lot like myself, your own harshest critic! While I initially cast off the notion of being friends and told her it was probably for the best to make a clean break, by the end of the epic 3 hour phone conversation and her crying because she, "didn't want to get off the phone because she believed she was never going to see me again," I caved and told her that wouldn't be the case and I would contact her when I was ready. I knew back at the exact moment I said it and especially now, I didn't do it because she was upset instead I did it because I was in fact scared of never hearing her voice or seeing her again. What I guess what I'm getting at is it's extremely difficult (in fact I don't believe there is a word in human language that can describe how difficult it is:() to cut someone you care for deeply out of your life and you want to believe there is hope they will eventually come back. Sadly for the majority of us this just isn't the case and we have to deal with it...

 

I think everybody has a conversation they would like to have or not have had with their ex. In my case it's both. I wish I told her how much I actually cared for her. Ironically that's exactly the reason she said she broke up with me because she said she didn't think she'd ever be able to feel the way she thought I was feeling towards her. It just would have been nice to get it off my chest, ya know? I also wish I never told her that I'd eventually contact her because now I have that lingering in the back of my mind. We somehow have to learn to let these thoughts go because in the end what happened, happened and thinking about what we could have or maybe shouldn't have done/said does nothing but keep us stuck in the past when we need to be looking ahead to the future.

 

Oh and you should listen to Chi townD. He seems spot on with his interpretation of your situation.

[Boy Band]

An update:

 

I've kept NC since January, I was dumped in December. It definitely did cut me up, and reading the threads here helped a lot to put it into perspective and to make me realise that I needed to cut all contact to try to heal. Before NC the limited contact was going nowhere. I was initiating it all, she was either ignoring me or giving very cold, very business-like replies (amazed me how the person I thought was the warmest in my world became as cold as ice) - it didn't nothing for me but make me feel worse.

 

Another thing that helped me was to cut back on reading the forum once I decided I was going to give NC a good go. It didn't at first, but after a while it wasn't as 'raw'... I had to force myself to go out and do things, I've kept at the gym. I think keeping reading the forum can help to a point, but you also have to give yourself a chance to try and get better, and maybe report back if it's not working. I felt I was spending time on the forum looking for 'the answer', and sadly there just isn't one.

 

Even a month ago, I was having trouble sleeping. Now, there are pangs of sadness, but it's not raging anymore. I still wake up feeling sad. There are times the emptiness hits me and there's a sense of waste. But all you can do is push on. She never tried to make any contact. Maybe I didn't deserve that, but it's what I've got.

 

Hang in there, it does slowly get better. Thanks to all that have given advice, I really appreciate it.

[Chi townD]

Great to hear you're doing so well. You're right, we can't give you or anybody else "the answer", everyone is different and each situation is different. But, what we can provide is support and give people the tools that are needed to heal and move on.

 

Good to hear that you are making positive changes in your life.