chubachoop Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. I was devestated and couldnt imagine how Id ever get over him. We agreed on no contact till about September and then we would be best friends. The more I imagine him contacting me in Sept the more angry I feel! It wasnt supposed to be like this, I wanted to be his friend but now I feel that I hate him! I keep telling myself Im so over him but if I was then surely I wouldnt think about him all the time and I wouldnt feel this anger towards him because of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I dont want him back but I dont want to feel this hatred towards him and dont really know why I do. I hope he never does contact me because I know Ill be real horrible to him. Is this a normal part of "moving on"?
uriel Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Yes -- you're dealing with the anger of being rejected, of facing broken promises for a future together, of having your life turned upside down. Right after you break up, you still feel that tender, emotional bond that brought you together. After some time, you get to feeling that that bond must not have mattered so much to the other person -- or s/he wouldn't have been able to walk away from it. That's especially the case when you don't believe -- or know for sure -- that s/he is suffering like you are. During the no contact, you KNOW you think of him every day and feel the loss of your relationship. But you don't know for sure that he's doing the same. He might have moved on to someone or several someones new. He might be already making plans, living life, having a good time. Why doesn't he call to see how you are or to beg you to take him back -- despite the no contact agreement? If he ever really loved you... Well, you get the idea. It's hard to be friends with an ex. You can't help these feelings that are surfacing. It may be possible to re-establish some contact eventually, depending on the nature of the break-up and how it's handled (and all the stuff that came before it). But best friends? Not likely. If it's some comfort, believe that he misses you and is suffering from your loss. Trust that you are a special enough person in general -- and were in his life -- for that to be the case. Don't expect, however, that this will change everything. You are still dealing with the end of the special intimacy two lovers share. The shift to friendship is tough, sometimes too tough. -- uriel
doubledown Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Chuba, Uriel has made alot of good observation in his(her?) reply. Great post! ! It really explains how I feel and why I feel that way. I feel the same way as you (Chuba), "I don't want your friendship, I don't want anything to do with you. You wanted distance from me and now you have it". Uriel mentions that we don't know how this is affecting the EX. Well in my case my EX has moved on (and in) with her new BF. And since it takes so much to make a relationship work, I can't possibly imagine that I even occupy a minute of her daily thoughts, and that makes it tougher for me. I guess what I'm saying/wondering is that what determines how long you stay in your EX's memory and they miss being with you. Most people it seems either date many people in any given year, or are in a long term relationship. Like my EX, she has dated many guys, and can really date any guy she chooses, so why should I stick out in her mind as the one that got away, or the right one for her? It gives us comfort to think that no matter what the EX is doing after our breakup, they still miss us and think about being with us the same way that we are thinking of them. But, is it really that likely? Maybe, if neither of you dated seriously after the break. But it seems that in most relationships one person meant more to the other and the relationship meant more to one and not the other. If so many people are longing to have their EX back then it's not likely that any two people have each other in mind. For examle, I miss my EX, what what about any girls that I dated for awhile and then lost contact with or lost interest? Are they feeling for me the way I feel for my EX, and is it the same with my EX? I don't know where I'm going with this, and it's really hard to put into words, or at least writing, but this topic/post has sparked some thoughts and ideas within me. Holla if ya feel me.
manofmystrey Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 hey chubachoop The hatred you are feeling is very normal. You are upset about how he could do that to you. There really will never be a good enough explanation for it. But having the hatred right now is something you wont be able to controll. But over time the hatred will go to a I could care less about the person to eventually no thought at all. For now dont fight the hatred other wise you will drive yourself nuts.
SMF Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 That is how I feel right now. I woke up this morning (we have been broken up for 5 weeks) and I have been pining over this person that broke my heart but this morning I woke up with so much anger. I never said one bad thing to him when we broke up and in the conversations thereafter. I handled it like a lady and basically didn't give him a hard time at all. BUT for some reason today I am filled with rage that this person disrespected me so badly. I want to call them up and yell and give them a piece of my mind but what good is that going to do.
uriel Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Well, it's likely that brief or slight exes have different levels of feeling for one another. But, when you've had a longer term, serious, intense relationship with another person, it's not likely that this other person simply moves on without having been profoundly affected by you or the relationship. Important relationships change who we are. There's always a dimension of that other person now internalized within us. That doesn't mean a former partner wants to be with us anymore. If we want that and s/he doesn't, then yes, our feelings are different. But, there's still a history, a connection, an us that remains even if we don't act on it any longer. To some degree, it's that internalized partner that we react against when we're hurting after the relationship ends. We want him or her out of our heads. We want an end to desire, an end to the echo of emotional response, an end to the vision of us they summoned up. If we work through the healing process fully, though, there's-- best case scenario-- an eventual acceptance of loss, something beyond the anger and grief. It feels like this: I wish my ex well. My desire is that he find happiness alone or with someone else. What was between us had its time, the chance to grow and prosper. Now, that's done -- too much has happened, been said, been wronged. No trust remains. And yet, I care for him at some level and believe he does for me. Only, it's more historical than present -- tinged with nostalgia for the thing we almost pulled off but didn't. -- uriel
Author chubachoop Posted August 24, 2004 Author Posted August 24, 2004 Thanks Uriel you have done a very good job at explaining why Im feeling this way and its good to know (in a kinda way) that Im not alone in this anger I think another reason Im feeling the way I am is as the weeks go on, the more I get over him, the more I am able to recognise his bad points and ways in which he disrespected me. We broke up quite peacefully, like you did SMF. We left on amicable terms and we made an agreement to be the best of friends later on. Because I have recognised things that I really dont like about him and the way he treated me, I am thinking why the hell do I wanna be his friend?!
uriel Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Yeah, I think that's a good addition, chubachoop. When we're in love, we idealize our partner. I think that's partly because they think so well of us that they gain a glow of reflected admiration. All of their good qualities are unified and enhanced. Once we discover they don't admire us like we thought -- not to the degree we wanted -- there's a process of disillusionment. It is, to some degree, how we save face. But it also ends up being a more realistic appraisal of the individual and how he treated you. The filter you used to interpret his behavior along the best lines is readjusted from rose colored to neutral or even dark, depending on how nasty the break-up is. We can't help but reinterpret what's gone on in light of the end. -- uriel ps When I broke up with my ex, I also offered him the option of contact me if he should ever need me. During my own process of letting go, I got so angry with myself for leaving him that option. I had a strong urge to write him and tell him I took that back. But, that would have been contact and shown he still got to me. So, I rode out the anger, having decided if he ever contacted me again, I'd deal with it then. Best to allow yourself to deal with things as they happen, given your current level of healing then. You might decide when and if he recontacts you that you can calmly say friendship's out -- or even just not return his call. I'm hoping that's what I would do. I'm aware from the process of grieving I went through that beneath any achieved peace and calm are layers of other emotions: rejection, rage, desire. These are less intense, and I don't experience them often. But they can be triggered by events. Working through the process helps you to gain better perspective of and control over them -- but grief does have to take its course. 1
SMF Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 I feel the same way- (my ex and I broke up 5 weeks ago) we have spoken several times and he wanted to "still talk" but I nixed that option after he broke my heart, ended our relationship out of the blue and misled me with his intentions towards the future. I have felt incredibly sad, yesterday I was so full of rage and I said I am finally directing my anger towards the right person, now today again I feel at loss. I miss this person terribly and its more heart breaking to me that this person does not feel the same way. Uriel- I just think you were being a good person offering contact- yes you did leave the door open but what you do with the door if and when they contact you is up to you. Besides people state things in haste or in a time of emotion, what you say then doesn't necessarily mean the same what you think today. How do you deal with the process? Mornings are the toughest for me. I have dreams about him every night and when I wake that is what triggers my emotions in the morning. I want to reach out to him and ask him - why he doesn't feel this way and why can't we talk things out- but when I see myself saying that- I say- for WHAT REASON_ this is a person that doesnt' want to be with me- why would I pine over him???
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