Dangraystyle Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) So I've been seeing this girl since the beginning of December, seen each other 7 times and slept round her flat the last 3 times. Things were going very, very well. Anyway I had 1 issue with this girl. There have been a few times in our relationship where I would give her effort sexually and then she would blow me off. This has ranged from something as little as sexting and then when it comes to her turn she says "she's tired" after being horny and excited 2 minutes before. OR something as big as what she did to me the first time in bed. We started taking each others clothes off, she gets naked and I'm in my boxers. She gets on top of me and grinding me and then when I tell her I'm getting the condom, she tells me she doesn't want to sleep with me because I'm just some guy. So two nights ago we were sexting and then when I tell her it's your turn she says she's tired. I was sending her multiple texts of things I wanted to do to her which she was responding very positively too and then suddenly she's blowing me off again!? I didn't contact her the next day, waiting for her to text me. I told her the issue and I've kept as sincere and unargumentative as possible but she responds like I'm attacking her because I have this one issue. She seems to find that any slight discussion that's confrontational is a terrible thing when her behaviour is making it an argument. What do you make of this behaviour where she is unwilling to listen to my issue in a peaceful manner? We spoke this morning and and it was better but it was still difficult. Edited January 23, 2013 by Dangraystyle
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Something I want to add. We discussed all of this through texting. We text each other TONS but I feel like it was a bad idea to talk about a sensitive subject through texting. We live in an hour apart. We also had a slight argument on the weekend too. Which was mostly my fault and I told her I messed up. Anyway last night one of her texts was this: I don't know, right now yeah but I don't want you to be unhappy. But after the weekend I feel like we keep arguing so maybe we don't get on as well as we thought" Ot oh?
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) Another thing I want to add. Her parents have big issues and they argue a lot. She told she doesn't to be like them. So because of this, I think this makes her frightened of slight confrontation. I said to her "Would you rather I never have said anything and hoped everything would be wonderful and sorted itself out." Which basically her response was yes. Also this girl had been smitten by me. She's told me how much she likes me, how lucky she is to be with me. I've satasfied her emotionally and physically. She told me at the weekend she doesn't want to argue because she doesn't want to lose me. I've been as nice and sincere and unargumentative in this whole thing. I've took control and been a man who wants to resolve this issue. Edited January 23, 2013 by Dangraystyle
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 It's a very bad sign. You should ask your dad for advice. No, I dont get on so well with him. Can you elaborate why?
AMusing Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Try having the conversation again when you're in person. Texts aren't meant to be heavy; there are just too many ways a text can be taken wrong. Tone and warmth are removed from the message, and so can cause more misunderstandings than they resolve. That said, your girlfriend sounds very sensitive and overly afraid of abandonment. It's a bad sign if you're already having issues less than two months into the relationship; ask yourself if what you feel for her is really worth the stress. If you decide you want to try to fix this issue with her, you'll want to start by reassuring her. Put your arms around her (physical touch is so important here), tell her you're not leaving her and that you care about her a lot. Then tell her why her behavior bothers you; I'm guessing you feel rejected, undesired, and possibly a host of other emotions (including horny, but leave that one out). She'll respond better to your feelings than an "accusation" that she's doing something wrong. Hopefully after you open up, she'll feel more comfortable explaining why she's really blowing you off sexually. There are hopefully better explanations than being tired. The first time, she probably let attraction drive her actions until sex was inevitable, and then suddenly became afraid you would ditch her after sex. Her comment of you being "just some guy" sound to me like she was coming from fear, not lack of interest. And regarding sexting, it could be that it makes her uncomfortable, or she's never done it before and feels insecure about what she says. Talking calmly and asking her non-confrontational questions should help open her up. If you bring it up carefully, it could bring the two of you closer (talking about emotions usually does), and won't sound like a "confrontation" at all. Good luck, and keep the texts light. 1
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Try having the conversation again when you're in person. Texts aren't meant to be heavy; there are just too many ways a text can be taken wrong. Tone and warmth are removed from the message, and so can cause more misunderstandings than they resolve. That said, your girlfriend sounds very sensitive and overly afraid of abandonment. It's a bad sign if you're already having issues less than two months into the relationship; ask yourself if what you feel for her is really worth the stress. If you decide you want to try to fix this issue with her, you'll want to start by reassuring her. Put your arms around her (physical touch is so important here), tell her you're not leaving her and that you care about her a lot. Then tell her why her behavior bothers you; I'm guessing you feel rejected, undesired, and possibly a host of other emotions (including horny, but leave that one out). She'll respond better to your feelings than an "accusation" that she's doing something wrong. Hopefully after you open up, she'll feel more comfortable explaining why she's really blowing you off sexually. There are hopefully better explanations than being tired. The first time, she probably let attraction drive her actions until sex was inevitable, and then suddenly became afraid you would ditch her after sex. Her comment of you being "just some guy" sound to me like she was coming from fear, not lack of interest. And regarding sexting, it could be that it makes her uncomfortable, or she's never done it before and feels insecure about what she says. Talking calmly and asking her non-confrontational questions should help open her up. If you bring it up carefully, it could bring the two of you closer (talking about emotions usually does), and won't sound like a "confrontation" at all. Good luck, and keep the texts light. Fantastic reply, thank you very much! You are right on many points. I just sent this to her: "I want to let you know that I think it was a bad idea me bringing this up over text. We should have talked about this in person. I think it made it sound like I was accusing you, when I just wanted to talk about how I felt. Let me know when or if you're ready to talk about this." She has opened up in the past that every guy she has been with has left her after sex, so she was worried about being abandoned because she cared for me a lot more than anyone else. She has also told me the first time that sexting made her uncomfortable and told me the same last night.... but she has initiated it and enjoyed it very much in the past when she has been horny. Ive also told her before that these "arguments" are what can bring us closer together if we just tell each other what we feel, with no judgement. Obviously that hasnt worked because of texting it instead of being with her.
AMusing Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I hope your (in person) talk helps things. Sorry to hear she has a history of getting dumped right after sex; that could give anyone issues. Her comfort with sexuality should get better once she realizes you aren't going to vanish too. So will sexting, once she gets a little practice. It's a good sign she's enjoyed it before... It means she's got it "in" her, she just has to embrace it. In the meantime, try not to take her issues personally, keep communicating, and good luck!
Keenly Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 If a girl I was about to sleep with Just stopped and said " your just some guy " that's would severely affect my ego and really hurt my feelings. What a selfish thing for her to do. You can do better. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Yeah...I didn't quite understand that "You're just some guy" statement. I need more context..... 1
AMusing Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Oh you're the adorable guy who posted not long ago about having sex for the first time?!? I didn't put the two posts together. Did you ever tell her you were a virgin? I interpreted her "You're just some guy" line as trying (and totally failing) to say, "I don't know you well enough to trust you yet. For all I know, you're just some guy who's going to use me like I've been used in the past, and that scares the living daylights out of me. So while I'm crazy attracted to you, my brain is in overdrive right now and can't handle being intimate yet." But instead of opening up and saying something along those lines, she blurted out part of that thought process, clammed up, and tried to claim it was a joke to get out of explaining her whole thought process while she was naked.
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I hope your (in person) talk helps things. Sorry to hear she has a history of getting dumped right after sex; that could give anyone issues. Her comfort with sexuality should get better once she realizes you aren't going to vanish too. So will sexting, once she gets a little practice. It's a good sign she's enjoyed it before... It means she's got it "in" her, she just has to embrace it. In the meantime, try not to take her issues personally, keep communicating, and good luck! Everything is back to normal at the moment. We have only texted, but we spent hours just texting back and forth and had really good banter like we usually do.
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 If a girl I was about to sleep with Just stopped and said " your just some guy " that's would severely affect my ego and really hurt my feelings. What a selfish thing for her to do. You can do better. Well after that happened. I told her to get off and just turned my back on her. 10 minutes later she said she was sorry and told me about how she has always been hurt by guys after they had sex. We finally had sex a week later and it was great. I think a part of her was scared when the argument started happening as it was a sign in her head that it was all about to go wrong like it always did for her, that's why she a bit aggressive.
Author Dangraystyle Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) Oh you're the adorable guy who posted not long ago about having sex for the first time?!? I didn't put the two posts together. Did you ever tell her you were a virgin? I interpreted her "You're just some guy" line as trying (and totally failing) to say, "I don't know you well enough to trust you yet. For all I know, you're just some guy who's going to use me like I've been used in the past, and that scares the living daylights out of me. So while I'm crazy attracted to you, my brain is in overdrive right now and can't handle being intimate yet." But instead of opening up and saying something along those lines, she blurted out part of that thought process, clammed up, and tried to claim it was a joke to get out of explaining her whole thought process while she was naked. You are insanely on point and no I didnt tell her it was my first time. I was a natural anyway. Serious lol. Edited January 24, 2013 by Dangraystyle
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