Why is he so conflicted? Continued: I'm 21, he's 43

[cmr88]

A few months ago I started hooking up with my 43-year-old manager. He ended things a little over a month ago because he felt our relationship would never work out. He asked, "Could you ever see yourself introducing me to your parents?" and honestly, I couldn't.

 

However, here's the problem.

 

Last week he started things up again. I ran into him at a bar. I was outside smoking a cigarette. He follows me outside and looks at me with these wide eyes and dumbstruck look on his face. He falls into my face and as he pulls away looks at me again and I can see how much he's missed this. He says, “I’m falling for you.” I repeat for clarification, “You just said you’re falling for me.” The next morning (as in we are not drunk at this point) he keeps telling me how much he likes me. I reply, “It doesn’t matter.” He exclaims, “Why doesn’t it matter?!” slightly dejected that I’m not eating up his compliments. “Because,” I begin, “You can like me. I can like you. But that doesn’t mean we can be together. So it doesn’t matter.”

 

Next morning, he takes me out to breakfast. We have had sex four times by this point. No one else energizes me enough to have when I’m that tired, but he does. I think that’s pretty special. I have not felt this kind of sexual magnetism with anyone else I’ve seen in a long time.

 

At breakfast, he describes the perfect date. I say, “Yeah, we should do it sometime. Oh wait. We did that today.” Then, here’s when he says, “True. Unofficially though. We’ll have to do something official one of these days.” I say, “Unless you change your mind again.” He says, “Oh, you’re hilarious!”

 

That's the thing, though. I'm not hilarious. He's balked before and I saw it coming again--and I was right.

 

A few days later, I invite him over. He has now given me the impression he wants to be around me. He says he's tired, but I see right through that. Once a friend told me rather insightfully, “When you really like someone, you’ll stay up all night.” I keep this truth in mind, and when he says he's tired, I text, “Do you think the other night was a mistake?” I can feel his regret in the air, sending me waves of it through the text message.

 

I wake up in the middle of the night and read his response, “Probably.” It is agonizing. I do not respond for over twelve hours.

 

Finally, I tell him, “Okay. If that’s the case…you were the one who was saying something about an official date as well as falling for me. So I’m pretty sure in this scenario I’m not the crazy one.”

 

“Look, maybe the word ‘mistake’ is overstating it. Being with you is not a mistake. I meant what I said. I really do like you. But what we’re doing is not appropriate on a couple of levels. I just think its best if this doesn’t continue.”

 

I get it. He doesn't like that I’m 22 years younger than him and that he's old enough to be my parent and that he's also my manager.

 

“Ok. Well if that’s the case can we not be weird around one another? (Our mutual friend) said the reason she didn’t invite me out was because she wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable with it. I’d like for what happened to not prevent me from hanging out with my friends, or from us being friends.”

 

“I’m always comfortable around you. That’s the problem. Again, I like you quite a bit and want to be your friend.”

 

“That’s the problem?”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

“I only know my interpretation which is ‘I’m always comfortable around you which is why I can’t resist sucking your face.’”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Ha, I’m smarter than I thought. Well, just stop sucking my face if you don’t want to suck my face! You’re very conflicted.”

 

“Well you’re pretty damn cute. It’s hard to resist. So yes, I am conflicted.”

 

“Well I’m happy to be your friend since I like you as a person. I’m only disappointed that we can't be more. But, your concern with propriety is admiral, I suppose.”

 

“I like you too. The last comment does not make my decision easy, believe me.”

 

He's the person I think about before I go to bed. He is one of the kindest men I have ever met. He is considerate, thoughtful, caring, honest, genuine, funny, and smart. He has literally every quality I could possibly want in a man that so many others lack. Plus, he's amazing in bed.

 

Then there’s this thing standing in the way—age, and propriety.

 

I’m not afraid to tell people that I’m hooking up with a 43-year-old. I only wish he didn’t feel the same way. I want him in my life, and I’m always going to leave that option available to him. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. I’ve fallen for jerks before, and he's not one…he just has legitimately good reasons for not being with me. I respect him for that. I wish I could change his mind.

 

I'm not being desperate. I'm very accepting of what he says. I'm not throwing myself at him. I've been seeing other guys during the times we are apart. I'm putting myself out there. I told him I'm fine to just be his friend (which is a conundrum because whenever we end up alone together we end up kissing. He pretty much has to avoid being alone with me to be my platonic friend).

 

In the back of my mind I keep hoping he will change his mind. I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like when he said he really liked me and wanted to take me on a real date he meant it, just like when he told me he would date me if he were only 10 years younger. Then it's like, reality hits him, and he runs away and changes his mind.

 

Do you think if I tell him all the reasons I really like him it could sway him? I've been treating it so casually, guarding myself, not taking his compliments--do you think if he knew that I thought he was more than just laughs and sex it could change his mind?

 

Also, why do you think he's behaving the way he is? Why does he seem like he has all of these feelings for me then back off and change his mind? What's going on in his head, why is he so conflicted?

 

Maybe it's my youthful optimism but I feel like things could work out for us. We're both single, work in the same industry, and have the same sense of humor. I feel like I wouldn't care what my family or anyone thought if I was happy. Am I being naive?

 

I know that it might stink to be with someone who's 22 years older when I'm 50--but while we're at these ages, we could have some happy times together.

 

I apologize, this is fairly long. I just feel like being as detailed as possible so you understand the whole situation. I am looking for some insightful feedback because my friends are exhausted with the topic.

[Eddie Edirol]

To all your wuestions, Nope. Heres what he might be thinking.

 

Youre 22, not much more mature than 21, the age when women are discovering themselves sexually, and mentally. He might think that after a few years when he starts to show age, you will see him differently and leave him for a younger guy. Maybe he isnt quite sure of himself with women, has been left before and he doesnt know why. So he doesnt want to take that sort of chance with a younger woman, where he could see himself devastated for years.

 

On the other hand, he could have decided that he cant relate to you, isnt really that into you, and is just telling you what you want to hear. He got what he wanted from you, and doesnt care to sleep with you anymore.

[MrCastle]

He's conflicted because although he likes you sexually, he doesn't take you seriously. You're a little girl. He's a grown man. Plus there's the whole manager/employee angle.

 

I suggest you start looking elsewhere. Perhaps someone closer in age to you. And someone who isn't your job superior.

[charlietheginger]

Sex with you is great but he dont want anything else

[Eddie Edirol]

He doesnt want to be an "old daddy". YOu have a kid with him a year or so down the line, he'll be 65 when his kid is graduating high school. Yech!

[KathyM]

He's conflicted because, although he is very fond of you and likes being around you, he knows it won't work to be in a real relationship with you. He knows it won't last, so he is trying not to become invested in the idea that it could work, because he knows deep down that it is not likely to work out well. When you are in your early thirties and wanting children, he'll be in his early fifties and not wanting to go down that road of infant and child care. He knows the differences are too much to overcome, and will only get to be more evident as time goes on.

[sabre80]

Sex with him may be great now. What happens in 15 years when you reach your sexual peak and want even more. He will be almost 60 is he going to be able to keep up with you.

[xpaperxcutx]

Instead of asking us for the answers you should be asking yourself this question: why is he conflicted to be with you yet, at the same hasn't been able to turn down sex with you?

 

Sex, is a biological and natural instinct, that most people can't turn away from, but when it comes to longterm relationships and settling down, people bail.

 

He's in his 40s. If he hasn't married, chances are he's going to want to be a bachelor all his life. You are only 22, and you haven't seen much of the world yet. Settling down into a relationship with a man who has already lived his fill, is by all accounts, temporary. Eventually, reality will set in and you'll come across many conflicts: career, children, graduate school, etc.... All of which, he will want no part of.