I'm so used to being alone I come to prefer it, that's scaring me.

[PoZiTiveOrNeGaTive]

I been sort of a loner by choice most of my life. But I felt like I had so many reasons, things I felt were legit reasons to me.. like I had a tendency to like or befriend people who were really "bad" as a kid, that led me into a bit of trouble, mostly for myself. Things like drugs, attitudes, lifestyle, etc.

 

I became "a loner" by choice, to protect myself. And others. I often clashed with good kids who liked me. It wasn't that I felt better than them, it was that I was equally accepted by the "bad" kids.

 

I felt pulled to a side, and felt, the good kids wanted me because of fears- They didn't like I brought bad kids around.

 

The bad kids wanted me because, well, I had no fear around them.

 

Anyway, that was the past. This is now. Now I don't think that way, yet, I only think of "I am a loner" and I seemed to have forgot my early childhood reasons.

 

Now, maybe I used the excuse of "work" or no time or, many others, but really, it all began in high school.

 

It's been almost 20 years. I want to make friends now, and people do show interest, but they can tell after a few times out.. I have this resistance. I start avoiding, and my initial enthusiasm dissipates over time...

 

I don't want them to think I am judging them. But maybe it can come across that way?

 

I just want to remind myself of this... that's why I'm writing this.

 

Maybe it'll help me, to just say it here....

 

That's it...

[ooglesnboogles]

About a year ago, I was feeling like I was going in that direction too. I never had too many friends, and I've never really been close to anyone, even those I considered my best-friends. So when everyone else went away to school and stuff like that, I was OK. I felt like I could go on alone. And as time went on, I just got used to it. But then I started missing the companionship. I tried making new friends but didn't know how. I tried catching up with old friends but no one had time. It took a lot of work to open up and really connect with new people. I have trouble getting people's names; I've gone whole semesters, talking to people twice a week, and neither of us knew the other's name. So I spent some time thinking about why I was having trouble, and when I figured it out, I researched how to overcome that cause. Slowly, it appears to be working out.