How much of your MM’s real life did he share with you?

[stevie_23]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

[Sarabi]

Yes he shares...what he shares I suppose. I was going to say "he shares a lot" but then again...people are always quick to remind you that you don't know what he is telling you and telling her etc. etc. etc.

He tells me about work. Tells me about his child. Yes he tells me if they are intimate...(slowly, I started to ask not to hear about that because its their business its really not necessary-I don't hear it from my friends ). Yeah he tells me if they are going out...He tells me about his family (he's not close to them but interestingly enough, today his mum called now wanting to see the child...). Lately he has been telling me about the holiday they are planning...

[stevie_23]

Yeah. This is similar to what my ex-MM and I had. He told me about anything and everything (I suppose). His family (not that he ever really sees them), his kids (doesn't see them either), his work stuff a bit, his music, what he did during the day, what he made for dinner, etc.

 

He would tell me when his wife would..."pounce" on him very occasionally. He told me early on when we were getting together how she had never been on for anything other than very "traditional" sex. Whereas he, though not hugely sexual, in the past enjoyed a variety of sexual activities. So anyway, after his wife found out about us for the second time, she started sometimes trying to...do things to him that she thought he might like. You know what I mean? lol He didn't like them though. He tried, but there was only half a reaction apparently. He would tell me when this happened (3 times during our time together) and said he'd feel lost and alone afterwards cause all he wanted was me in that way, not her.

 

When he went on his honeymoon with her 6 months ago (they weren't married for the majority of the time we were together), he refused to call it a honeymoon, and focused only on the snorkelling and hiking he'd be doing, and not on any romantic things that might happen. When he got back, he emailed me within the hour even though it was almost midnight when they got home.

 

The next day when he had more time, he told me about how it was. He said they'd "tried to be lovers" and it was nice, and he was pleased his wife seemed happy.

 

From everything he's told me over the years and other various things that I know to be true (evidence-based), I believed these were the only times they were together like that, but I wonder if that is actually true.

 

I wonder how much of a MM's intimate relations (if there are any, of course) they don't tell the OW.

[Lillyfree]

we were in almost constant contact for most of the day - so he'd tell me pretty much everything that was happening to him - a lot of the time as it was happening. he used to copy me in (bcc) on emails to his friends. he'd tell me about things coming up, his family, we'd talk while cooking dinner.

first day we spent together he got me to drive around his old suburb and showed me his parents' and grandparents' house, where his flat was, where he went to school... i picked him up from his sister's house.

 

in the beginning he didn't talk about his gf much, which i appreciated. then last few weeks he was mentioning her constantly - nothing about enjoyment though.

just what they were doing, buying, about her health issues... not complaining as such, but with quite a negative slant.

he only once told me (unprompted) that they didn't 'have any' because he was obviously talking to me all the time.

[stevie_23]

Yeah.

 

See, a lot of people here are of the opinion that the OW in affairs are lied to as a general rule. I don't think your MM was lying to you. And I don't think mine was either.

[Lillyfree]

well, i didn't lie either... i can't see why he'd have to.

 

i don't think that all MM lie, but having read enough stories it seems quite common.

 

i do think he lied about some things. and omitted a lot.

that wasn't the main issue with the situation though.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, I'm sure my ex-MM omitted some things too, but I don't know if they were especially important.

[SunsetRed]

Great Post. Looking back, I only got to experience a sliver of my xMMs life.

At the time, he consumed me so much, I felt like I had all of him, but I really only had about 1/10th of him, if that.

 

I realized how little I knew him a couple of years after we had broken up. I happened to see him out w his wife and they looked happy together. I realized that they shared a history and a connection that I'd never share w him.

 

I'll admit that I've looked him and his oldest daughter up on FB and when I see the pics of the life he lives w his family, I realize that I was actually nothing to him.

 

He has a life outside of the sex and the words we shared. He travels and does things and goes out in public and communicates w others who know the history he has w his family.

 

All of this sounds like...DUH...like it shouldn't have taken so long for me to have a light bulb moment. I guess it was just the illusion that he brought to me that made me feel like we had more, but now I realize that we didn't.

[skylarblue]

When we were strictly FWB we didn't share anything. We didn't even communicate other than the banter we had when hooking up. When our R became EA also, we were talking 10x and texting 20x a day minimum from his first call "good morning" to his last call "good night". He'd tell me everything from the day throughout the day, whether personal, professional, or general daily dealings.

 

He'd talk about the W daily, but in an interaction kind of way. Like if something happened in his day that involved her, he would mention it. We occasionally talked/mentioned about their sex life, but not as normal everyday conversation. He would down play time he'd spend with her as unenjoyable or unavoidable and/or say it was about spending time with his kids and not her. I believe it's of some truth, but also had some exaggeration. Still he'd always let me know what was going on and contact me as often as he could no matter what the occasion was just to let me know what he was doing and that he was thinking about and loved me.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm sure he didn't tell me everything about all of his life but I know for a fact I didn't tell him everything about mine either. I met most of his family 'of origin' and he knew most of the people in my life so we always had things to talk about. We talked and messaged through almost every day and we built up our own memories and sets of friends so we were pretty well consumed with our R when we were together. Once early on I made a comment about having something at a restaurant a few nights before and he assumed I was with someone else and he looked like a whipped dog. I think that was a place neither of us wanted to go and in all honesty didn't need to.

[Catplates]

Great Post. Looking back, I only got to experience a sliver of my xMMs life.

At the time, he consumed me so much, I felt like I had all of him, but I really only had about 1/10th of him, if that.

 

I realized how little I knew him a couple of years after we had broken up. I happened to see him out w his wife and they looked happy together. I realized that they shared a history and a connection that I'd never share w him.

 

I'll admit that I've looked him and his oldest daughter up on FB and when I see the pics of the life he lives w his family, I realize that I was actually nothing to him.

 

He has a life outside of the sex and the words we shared. He travels and does things and goes out in public and communicates w others who know the history he has w his family.

 

All of this sounds like...DUH...like it shouldn't have taken so long for me to have a light bulb moment. I guess it was just the illusion that he brought to me that made me feel like we had more, but now I realize that we didn't.

 

Sunset,

I totally agree with you. xMM used to text and phone contantly during the day until about 5.30pm. I am quite sure he was telling the truth about what happened during the day. AFter splitting up and reuniting several times, I finally saw pictures of him withi his family at Xmas. He certainly was up close and personal with his wife. Holding hands, snuggled up with a pic of their newest grandchild. I went and threw up!

Then I blocked him from any kind of contact with me.

 

My affair bubble was well and truly busted. I have to say I have rarely thought of him since. How strange is that? It's almost as though he never really existed and I think that's the truth. He never really was in my world at all.

 

It was a huge whack around the head to see him with his wife, whom he said would never touch him ( Liar Liar pants on fire!)

 

I was cured instantly

 

cat

[Lillyfree]

Did you notice, you contradicted yourself? lol

 

You said you didn't "think" he lied, the next sentence you "think" he lied about some things.

 

It can't be both Lilly. He lied........you know it. kidding yourself won't help you.

 

heh... that was obviously a combination of wishful thinking and a lack of eloquence.

and the fact that it's one of those days

 

at the time i didn't suspect he lied. or didn't want to think that he might be.

 

in retrospect, i could see that he did. even though he'd say he was sincere....

sigh

[waterwoman]

I'd love to know what H told OW. I know he talked about what was going on in his life - my birthday and the presents he was buying me, his birthday, what the children were doing. He tells me that he never talked about our marriage or critisised me to her. I tend to beleive him as he is very reluctant to say anything nasty about people he cares about.

 

Funnily enough it was this that was the reason she 'ended' the affair. She was envious of the effort he put in buying my gifts and then when H was going on and on about how much he enjoyed his birthday present from me (he had a drivers day at a race circuit and got to drive a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin!) she sort of got the message that there was no real room for her and she'd never have much of him. They carried on texting after that but less talking and spending time alone together - and then I found the texts and it was game over.

 

But I'd still like to hear her POV - never will as I am not sure she wouldn't put a nasty spin on it. She is (or was) quite sore about the ending.

[Summer Breeze]

I'd love to know what H told OW. I know he talked about what was going on in his life - my birthday and the presents he was buying me, his birthday, what the children were doing. He tells me that he never talked about our marriage or critisised me to her. I tend to beleive him as he is very reluctant to say anything nasty about people he cares about.

 

Funnily enough it was this that was the reason she 'ended' the affair. She was envious of the effort he put in buying my gifts and then when H was going on and on about how much he enjoyed his birthday present from me (he had a drivers day at a race circuit and got to drive a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin!) she sort of got the message that there was no real room for her and she'd never have much of him. They carried on texting after that but less talking and spending time alone together - and then I found the texts and it was game over.

 

But I'd still like to hear her POV - never will as I am not sure she wouldn't put a nasty spin on it. She is (or was) quite sore about the ending.

 

DMM never said a bad word about his xW at any point in the A or since. I don't think MM always speak ill of their Ws at all. How did he speak about her to you WW? One of my conversations with dMMs xW after dday was about things he'd said to us. I didn't put a nasty spin on and she didn't either. We both got some pretty big surprises from that conversation.

 

What you say about why xOW ended things. I can relate to a point. I ended things when I wanted more and I realized no matter how much I wanted it, it wasn't going to happen. He said he wasn't leaving home and when I seriously talked about it he said no. Then I ended it. I can understand where she might have been at that point.

 

A friend of mine in Yorkshire sent her husband to Croft? I think that was the name. He did a day in the fast cars too and he love it! He'd taken her on a hot air balloon excursion the year before so she had to do something spectacular in return!

[Got it]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

 

Yes. We were pretty open about each other's lives. We turned to each other for advice, support, information, and assistance.

 

Yes I was aware if they had sex, etc. They didn't spend much time together just the two of them, it was usually centered around the kids. Yes there were times he down played those times. He didn't omit that they experiences happened but sometimes he wasn't offering up that she was there. Usually he spoke of just the kids. But overall I got as much information as I wanted. And vice versa.

[waterwoman]

DMM never said a bad word about his xW at any point in the A or since. I don't think MM always speak ill of their Ws at all. How did he speak about her to you WW? One of my conversations with dMMs xW after dday was about things he'd said to us. I didn't put a nasty spin on and she didn't either. We both got some pretty big surprises from that conversation.

 

What you say about why xOW ended things. I can relate to a point. I ended things when I wanted more and I realized no matter how much I wanted it, it wasn't going to happen. He said he wasn't leaving home and when I seriously talked about it he said no. Then I ended it. I can understand where she might have been at that point.

 

A friend of mine in Yorkshire sent her husband to Croft? I think that was the name. He did a day in the fast cars too and he love it! He'd taken her on a hot air balloon excursion the year before so she had to do something spectacular in return!

 

 

He never said a bad word about her. As I say he rarely criticises people he cares about and like it or not I have to accept he did care about her. While the affair was on he would tell me things that were going on in her life and how hard life was for her. I found out some things about her from a friend of mine who knew her entire family quite well - and let's just say I think she embroidered her tragedies a little for his benefit. She had normal loving parents, she didn't live with her grandparents because her parents neglected her for example. But I didn't tell H any of these things because i didn't see the point.

 

The race day was the next best thing to buying him an Aston Martin! I had even looked into hiring one for a weekend but that was freakishly expensive and nowhere to hire one from round our way. One of the things that stung most after d-day was thinking about him texting from the track - he told me he was telling his friends all about it, but of course many of them were to her. I had worked so hard to make it a surprise, planned so much, spent so much damned money and there we all were, kids and I, standing around in the pouring rain while H had his Big Day, and he was busy telling OW alll about it. Hey ho....

 

She 'ended' it at that point but as I say they were still texting a lot. The nasty part of me wonders if that was a bit of manipulation on her part, along with the 'dreadful childhood' and abusive H, ditto the 'rumours' that suddenly spread round school about things that no-one would have known about, the 'job of a lifetime' that she was definitely going to take so that she'd be gone after the school holidays but which didn't somehow materialise. But I don't want to go down that road anymore.... it almost sent me crazy after d-day. This is a bit of a t/j... Sorry

[ComingInHot]

Stevie & all;

I have a question...

 

When something is "omitted" whether an obvious re-directing of the conversation or a subtle move away from the question/discussion topic etc... do you feel that is a form of dishonesty?

 

We have all done (I think) at least I have when I don't wish to give certain "specifics" about something. It doesn't really sit right when I do this but I think I tell myself it is something that if they knew it might hurt them and our relationship.

 

For me, I really try these days not to "omit" things BUT I say outright that I am deciding Not to tell for reason/s a., b., & c. At least this way I don't think I am lying and Most times by stating the above the other party/ies accept that and don't "push".

 

If they are pushing then it may be whatever I don't wish to talk about does in fact need to be talked about...

 

So, is it a form of dishonesty to maintain what maybe couldn't be maintained if shared? Or something else? I would like to have your take on this sincerely*

[cocorico]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

 

He shared everything with me. I was the one he shared his dreams, his hopes, his fears, his mundane day-to-day stuff and everything in between. We were in constant contact throughout the day and night when we were not together, generating tens of thousands of emails and texts which we could print out to prove we had a "real R" when applying for settlement permission after we M.

 

As for telling me if / when he and her had sex- there was nothing to tell, because they did not. She did try once to seduce him, which all ended in tears, and he told me about that, and I did get to see her emails where she raged about him having no interest in her sexually for years, etc, but most of info about their R I was told by his close friends, his family, their colleagues and others who had known them both very well for decades.

[Summer Breeze]

He never said a bad word about her. As I say he rarely criticises people he cares about and like it or not I have to accept he did care about her. While the affair was on he would tell me things that were going on in her life and how hard life was for her. I found out some things about her from a friend of mine who knew her entire family quite well - and let's just say I think she embroidered her tragedies a little for his benefit. She had normal loving parents, she didn't live with her grandparents because her parents neglected her for example. But I didn't tell H any of these things because i didn't see the point.

 

The race day was the next best thing to buying him an Aston Martin! I had even looked into hiring one for a weekend but that was freakishly expensive and nowhere to hire one from round our way. One of the things that stung most after d-day was thinking about him texting from the track - he told me he was telling his friends all about it, but of course many of them were to her. I had worked so hard to make it a surprise, planned so much, spent so much damned money and there we all were, kids and I, standing around in the pouring rain while H had his Big Day, and he was busy telling OW alll about it. Hey ho....

 

She 'ended' it at that point but as I say they were still texting a lot. The nasty part of me wonders if that was a bit of manipulation on her part, along with the 'dreadful childhood' and abusive H, ditto the 'rumours' that suddenly spread round school about things that no-one would have known about, the 'job of a lifetime' that she was definitely going to take so that she'd be gone after the school holidays but which didn't somehow materialise. But I don't want to go down that road anymore.... it almost sent me crazy after d-day. This is a bit of a t/j... Sorry

 

Don't be sorry for the tj WW. Pierre said something yesterday that struck me. He talked about MM compartmentalizing and that most of us couldn't understand it because we aren't built that way. I say the same about OW who 'embroider' the truth (I LOVE that description by the way). I don't get it. I may sound absolutely dense or naive but I don't know how people can do lie and embroider.

 

Don't go down that road WW because you've come too far and done too well. The road you need to go down is one while you and your H are in an AM, champagne and a picnic in the back. Glorious green fields with stone walls winding through them. Sheep looking blankly at you as you zoom by headed to your mad weekend at some gloriously ancient B and B in the countryside. That's your road to go down!

[MissBee]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

 

When I was in the A he told me mundane things...we were in constant contact. I knew about what was happening at work, with his child, in his family, where he was going, what he was doing, what was going on with his friends. The same things you'd know in a non-A.

 

However, I was also aware of the fact that he had a whole other relationship I wasn't privy to. No matter how much he told me about other stuff....I knew I was blocked off from knowing details about that. He downplayed that aspect. They didn't live together, so he would let me know when he'd be out of town or she was coming into town....more or less as a way of saying "I won't be able to call you/talk to you for the duration".

 

We got into an argument because I said that I felt like I tell him every single thing yet I know he doesn't tell me everything and he said that he gives me 90% and that he does that 90% to the best of his abilities.... I think in most if not all As...just for logistical reasons, to protect the APs feelings etc. the MP will withhold some information, even amidst sharing other things. It makes sense. Rare is the AP who wants to hear about sex with the spouse so I'm sure most MM don't bring that up. Even as the OW...I was never exclusive with him. I loved him and if we had the chance to be in a normal, open R, I would have jumped at it, but while it was an A I refused to be exclusive. That said...I did not tell him about dates with other men or if I slept with someone else. I shared everything else though, but knew that aspect would cause drama so did not make him privy to it. I'm positive he did the same thing and most MM do as well. There is little benefit in telling one person you're seeing every detail about the other as most will find it upsetting....no matter how inequitable or unconventional the R.

[MissBee]

Yeah.

 

See, a lot of people here are of the opinion that the OW in affairs are lied to as a general rule. I don't think your MM was lying to you. And I don't think mine was either.

 

I don't think most people lie 24/7 and about everything.

 

Usually people lie or omit for a purpose.

 

The nature of As and having a double life is that usually there is a need to downplay or omit certain facts...this is only logical.

 

Even with friends...think about it. Ever told a close friend a story and for reasons of your own, or based on what you think their response would be or because of not wanting to be bothered to answer certain questions you just omit a certain aspect or downplay it? It is not a calculated lie or because you're malicious, you just did it to be pragmatic. I'm sure most of us have done something like this and that is more like what happens in As IMO versus scripts of lies. It may not be an entire charade of complete lies daily...but certainly omissions for reasons of not wanting to be asked certain questions, not wanting to paint a certain picture, compartmentalizing so feeling it's not really any of the OW's business or plain believing if you don't discuss it, it doesn't exist etc. My exAP told me he was "protecting my feelings" by omitting certain details. It made sense. My bestfriend and sister know EVERYTHING that happens...give or take the things I didn't bother to share or omitted. Most were not that serious, but it stands to reason though that MM may have "more serious" omissions to make. I frankly do not understand the OW who listens to sex stories about the MM and BS, who listen to their vacation stories, even one OW was planning trips for the married couple and picking out gifts for the W! Maybe with such an OW the MM has less reason to omit, and even still, he may still do so for other reasons. But I think the average OW inlove with the MM wants to believe they have a special relationship and constantly hearing about sex and good times with another woman adds nothing to that fantasy for her or the MM, so such details are elided.

 

 

Usually though, most OW are dead surprised upon a dday to find out just how much was omitted or plain lied about. I think one should at least be suspicious of believing that every word that proceeds is all there is to the story. I never believed that in my A. He wasn't a raving liar just lying for the sake of it...but I KNEW logically he probably did lie/omit some stuff.

Edited January 23, 2013 by MissBee

[loredo21]

He told me everything. When we weren't physically together, we were in constant contact. I knew about his life at home. His W. His child. His family. His hopes and dreams. His favorite songs. Tv Shows. Health. Where he went to lunch (if i wasn't with him). What him and his W fought about that day. I also knew his W whole life story. he drove me past his childhood home. He talked to me about their home and the way the backyard was overgrowing and looked like a jungle. HE TOLD ME EVERY TINY AND LARGE DETAIL OF HIS LIFE.

I've made a list in my journal that is pages and pages long about everything I knew about him. None of it was lies.

Like another poster said, which I tend to agree with, is I never lied about what I talked to him about....why would he? There was nothing he was saying about his everyday life that made me more or less attracted to him. It was just banter.

I never told him about my life though. I never talked about my H or child.

What was important to me was the feeling we had when we were together.

[MissBee]

He told me everything. When we weren't physically together, we were in constant contact. I knew about his life at home. His W. His child. His family. His hopes and dreams. His favorite songs. Tv Shows. Health. Where he went to lunch (if i wasn't with him). What him and his W fought about that day. I also knew his W whole life story. he drove me past his childhood home. He talked to me about their home and the way the backyard was overgrowing and looked like a jungle. HE TOLD ME EVERY TINY AND LARGE DETAIL OF HIS LIFE.

I've made a list in my journal that is pages and pages long about everything I knew about him. None of it was lies.

Like another poster said, which I tend to agree with, is I never lied about what I talked to him about....why would he? There was nothing he was saying about his everyday life that made me more or less attracted to him. It was just banter.

I never told him about my life though. I never talked about my H or child.

What was important to me was the feeling we had when we were together.

 

To the two bolded aspects...I'm a bit confused. But your story explains my stance perfectly. You never lied to him...you simply told him nothing about your life. I chuckled when I read that lol. You bantered and you cared mostly about the feelings you had when together, versus sharing intimacies of your life. I think this is common...esp. in short term As.

 

If he were to be posting on this forum though, I wonder what he'd say. Would he have believed he knew you so well and that you told him everything? Or would he be aware of the fact that you did not?

 

I don't think it's a requirement to share everything. I think you can have an A how you want it. If you just care about good feelings and an escape and are actually honest about it...it stands to reason that you do not include your AP into your life the same you would a normal bf/gf you're trying to build with. I think it's a smart move actually if you know you have no intention of divorcing. Sharing everything seems to only be important to those who stand on the side of the A being just like any other solid relationship. The good and bad of that is, the sharing or even belief that you know everything, whether true or not, builds up that attachment and feeling of closeness, which feels good; however, it can be terribly painful if after "all you've been through" it still doesn't pan out, or you get thrown under the bus, or worse upon dday, you find out that all wasn't as transparent as you had thought.

[loredo21]

To the two bolded aspects...I'm a bit confused. But your story explains my stance perfectly. You never lied to him...you simply told him nothing about your life. I chuckled when I read that lol. You bantered and you cared mostly about the feelings you had when together, versus sharing intimacies of your life. I think this is common...esp. in short term As.

 

If he were to be posting on this forum though, I wonder what he'd say. Would he have believed he knew you so well and that you told him everything? Or would he be aware of the fact that you did not?

 

I don't think it's a requirement to share everything. I think you can have an A how you want it. If you just care about good feelings and an escape and are actually honest about it...it stands to reason that you do not include your AP into your life the same you would a normal bf/gf you're trying to build with. I think it's a smart move actually if you know you have no intention of divorcing. Sharing everything seems to only be important to those who stand on the side of the A being just like any other solid relationship. The good and bad of that is, the sharing or even belief that you know everything, whether true or not, builds up that attachment and feeling of closeness, which feels good; however, it can be terribly painful if after "all you've been through" it still doesn't pan out, or you get thrown under the bus, or worse upon dday, you find out that all wasn't as transparent as you had thought.

 

oopsie. guess i should have clarified....I shared everything with him about ME and MY everyday life and family blah blah blah but i never told him about my life with my H and child. i wanted to keep that private i guess. or i just wasn't ready. HE on the other hand was all too eager to share every last detail about his W and child. (i know i know)...

Our A was very short-lived. I assume I would have grown more comfortable with time. But his constant wife-bashing wasn't my style. I have a wonderful H, so it wouldn't have been fair for me to portray this awful situation I was in, when I wasn't.

Edited January 23, 2013 by loredo21

[Got it]

Stevie & all;

I have a question...

 

When something is "omitted" whether an obvious re-directing of the conversation or a subtle move away from the question/discussion topic etc... do you feel that is a form of dishonesty?

 

We have all done (I think) at least I have when I don't wish to give certain "specifics" about something. It doesn't really sit right when I do this but I think I tell myself it is something that if they knew it might hurt them and our relationship.

 

For me, I really try these days not to "omit" things BUT I say outright that I am deciding Not to tell for reason/s a., b., & c. At least this way I don't think I am lying and Most times by stating the above the other party/ies accept that and don't "push".

 

If they are pushing then it may be whatever I don't wish to talk about does in fact need to be talked about...

 

So, is it a form of dishonesty to maintain what maybe couldn't be maintained if shared? Or something else? I would like to have your take on this sincerely*

 

It depends. In some cases it was a "yada yada yada" type thing. In others, yes a lie of omission, in others just a bigger picture retelling so some details were omitted for speed of telling.

 

If I asked, I got the answer. That was true in the affair and in S/D. Now I may put some perimeters around it that I don't want to hear every thought that goes across his mind. But if I want it, it was there for me.

 

So yes I think at times, there have been lies of omission to not deal with a fight. This is something that we have discussed across the board and I think a fairly common male tactic. I have addressed that I don't want a lie of omission, that say you didn't go to the store at the time you said and instead did whatever and got there late, I want to hear that you went late. But I have to also recognize that I need to also make it an open forum to talk and not jump on him (which does not mean I negate everything and suck it open but do not over nag on something that does not set things up to be an open forum for discussion).

 

So it's a two way street. Yes he would edit to save his skin from a meltdown or two but the norm was to be very honest. I think in the beginning he wasn't sure what I wanted to hear, if I wanted to hear or open to hearing so went the safe route. Over time as we communicated it became a much more open forum. And now it is pretty open. I can't say he never edits, as I can't say I never edit, but honesty is paramount for us.