KiraAly Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 For a while, I've been thinking divorce is the only answer, now thinking of suggesting a separation. I just don't know what to do. We've been married for a little over 2 years. He hasn't worked for a year and a half, I've been the only one working. His parents pay our rent, our car insurance, bought us 2 cars, and a house (we've since moved and are renting). He does nothing other than sleep, drink, do drugs, and make me feel crappy. I do believe he loves (or at least really needs) me, but I don't really feel the same. I feel disgusted by him. I enjoy his company on a friendship level. But I secretly hate my days off and hate coming home. I work really hard, have a good job, and want to succeed. He talks about wanting the same, but I sometimes resent that because I think I want more fodder for divorce. His not working has also put me in a position where I'm kind of dependant on my in laws paying my rent - I barely save anything now. I'm trying to find a second job though. Partly for the money and partly to not be home. In the back of my head is always "I'm not getting any younger, I can still find someone else". I know I'm the bad guy in this situation. I almost don't want to give him the chance to change. I "met" someone else. We just talk, and he lives really far away (ironically in the city I've been wanting to move to...). I think in the beginning this affected my feelings. I've been trying SO HARD to think about this with a clear head, although I know to an extent I'm kidding myself. What I do know, is my husband was a different person when I married him. Unfortunately, the person he is now is the person he was for most of our relationship. I thought he'd changed (and he had, for the year before and about 6mos after I married him). He is bipolar and I try not to hold this against him. I dream of leaving him. But like most people, I don't want to be alone. But I also know I won't have the things I want (children, a stable life) with him. I've heard that the second year of marriage is the hardest, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to be so unhappy. I also wonder if I'm just not the "marriage" type. I also just don't know anything anymore!
imtooconfused Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 KiraAly... I am right there with you. Your story sounds like mine, although mine is stretched out many more years than yours.
Author KiraAly Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 It's good to know I'm not alone! It's very confusing to juggle the guilt and the desire to be happy.
imtooconfused Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Sorry, I didn't get to finish my thoughts before I hit the submit button... Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice for you except one thing. The friend that you met in the other town should NOT be a factor in your decision. That certainly is not fair to your husband and it certainly will lead you to making a bad decision. The choice that you have to make is between staying and living on your own. Will you ever be able to resolve your differences versus will you be able to become comfortable being alone. If you make the effort to stay, counseling would make a lot of sense. If you choose to leave, you do need to get settled on your own for a time, hopefully near your husband. I make this suggestion because the grass is not always greener in the other city and dreams sometimes turn into nightmares. Think things through long and hard before you make serious decisions.
Author KiraAly Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Thank you! And I agree with you completely. While it is very hard to not consider developing feelings for someone else, I've been in other relationships and know to not allow this to be an actual deciding factor. Wanting to move, well, it's for the job I want. So a job offer would be a deciding factor. Being happy on my own, well, I get excited and scared at that thought. It's always easier to an extent when you're with someone. No doubt I'd get lonely. But I get really excited at the thought of it just being ME. It's easy to fantasize about how awesome it would be. And believe me, before I sound even more like a terrible person, I take my marriage vows very seriously. I really meant "for better or worse". But I also want more out of life than a husband who sits on the couch drinking/getting high every day and telling me everything that's wrong with me. I also know this is part of his mental illness, which he won't get help for anymore.
tojaz Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 How much of this have you shared with your husband?
imtooconfused Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Weighing the factors involved in the new job. I assume that if your marriage were great and the new job offer came along, you would obviously move to the new city together. Do you think this new job offer is going to be better enough than your current job that you would both move (assuming again you didn't have your problems)? If the job is not better and you are moving just to get away than that would be a concern. You also did not make immediately clear whether you would expect your husband to move with you, even with your problems. Would his prospects of finding a job in the new city be better? If he did move and found a new job, would that be a step in the right direction? I ask these questions more to help you make reasoned choices than for my own information.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 For a while, I've been thinking divorce is the only answer, now thinking of suggesting a separation. I just don't know what to do. We've been married for a little over 2 years. He hasn't worked for a year and a half, I've been the only one working. His parents pay our rent, our car insurance, bought us 2 cars, and a house (we've since moved and are renting). He does nothing other than sleep, drink, do drugs, and make me feel crappy. I do believe he loves (or at least really needs) me, but I don't really feel the same. I feel disgusted by him. I enjoy his company on a friendship level. But I secretly hate my days off and hate coming home. I work really hard, have a good job, and want to succeed. He talks about wanting the same, but I sometimes resent that because I think I want more fodder for divorce. His not working has also put me in a position where I'm kind of dependant on my in laws paying my rent - I barely save anything now. I'm trying to find a second job though. Partly for the money and partly to not be home. In the back of my head is always "I'm not getting any younger, I can still find someone else". I know I'm the bad guy in this situation. I almost don't want to give him the chance to change. I "met" someone else. We just talk, and he lives really far away (ironically in the city I've been wanting to move to...). I think in the beginning this affected my feelings. I've been trying SO HARD to think about this with a clear head, although I know to an extent I'm kidding myself. What I do know, is my husband was a different person when I married him. Unfortunately, the person he is now is the person he was for most of our relationship. I thought he'd changed (and he had, for the year before and about 6mos after I married him). He is bipolar and I try not to hold this against him. I dream of leaving him. But like most people, I don't want to be alone. But I also know I won't have the things I want (children, a stable life) with him. I've heard that the second year of marriage is the hardest, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to be so unhappy. I also wonder if I'm just not the "marriage" type. I also just don't know anything anymore!. Lots of ground covered and several unconnected issues. First and foremost, you do a disservice to yourself, your H and your friend by mixing the dissolution of one relationship with the beginning of another. I'd go NC with this new person until you work through your marital issues. It's only fair for all concerned. I wonder how things have turned for the worse so quickly in your marriage? Is your H on meds? Was he working before? He's going to have to realize that needing you and loving you are two different things... Mr. Lucky
ataloss8270 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Your H is not going to change his ways until he can finally admit to himself there is something wrong with him. From what you have said about him it sounds like he is in a major depression. He also sounds like he is very spoiled by his parents. He knows they are always going to be there to bail him out. Have you ever talked to his parents about what is going on? He will not grow up as long as he knows they are there to bail him out. Maybe you could suggest to them to give him a 6 months window to find a job because they can no longer keep taking care of him, and have them explain to him they are not always going to be there to do so may help to motivate him to man up. As for the OM, please do not get involved with him until you are 100% sure you no longer want this marriage and the D is final. It will on make things hard on you because yes you may be very happy with him, but at the same time you may see your H begin to change his ways for himself and you will begin to second guess yourself. And wonder if the M is salvageable, and wonder if he would take you back after being with someone else. But as I said before your H will not change until he decides to become a better man for himself.
GuyInLimbo Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Wait a second. Your husband is a lazy drug addict and YOU are the "bad guy" here? Wow....
pteromom Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You aren't the bad guy. Your husband isn't doing his part. He doesn't work. He escapes with drugs. In order to have a chance to repair your marriage, your husband has to be willing to leave the drugs behind, so that you can work on a marriage with a fully-functioning adult with a clear mind. If he won't do that, you are within your rights to walk away. So what would I do if I were you? I'd tell him how you feel - that you are feeling disconnected and not very hopeful about the future of your marriage. That you want to work on it, but he needs to step up and be present with you. This means no drugs and it means EFFORT from him in the marriage. See what he says. This may just solve itself if drugs are more important to him than repairing your marriage. As far as the other guy - you need to stay away from him. He's just muddying your mind. Plus, you don't really know him, so you are projecting all your needs and what you are missing in your marriage onto him, making him seem better than he may be. If you end up divorcing, then contact him and see where it goes, but right now, you need to shut that whole thing down.
Mack05 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) Too many people really don't understand the extent of their vows when they say them on their wedding day (in sickness and in health, through good times and bad) I agree with the people above who say your husband needs to change his ways, BUT their is a huge responsibility on you too. Communication is such a big problem in relationships. Here it seems is no different. "I secretly hate my days off". There should be no 'secret' here. Your husband should know that you are sick and tired of his lazy irresponsible behaviour. He should know you that he is holding you back and he should know you are thinking of leaving. Why oh why do so many people suffer in silence and/or engage in passive aggressive behaviour without communicating how sad they are feeling to their partner? Instead they wait for the straw that broke the camels back and leave. You have every right to feel aggrieved here. I don't doubt that, but surely you have to exhaust every avenue before u just quit? Counselling? Heart to hearts? Etc etc. It seems (please correct me if I am wrong) you have just sat back for the most part and let the resentment build and let your feelings drift away? My point being if you made it clear throughout the marriage how unhappy you are and he didn't bother his ass doing something to save it, then it is perfectly within your right to leave. You shouldnt feel one bit guilty. No woman (or his parents who have alot to answer for) should have to support a deadbeat. Your husband seems like an immature selfish man. I'm not doubting that for a second. I just think its sad today's generation have no idea how much hard work, sacrifice and dedication it takes to make a marriage work. Most young people getting married either haven't a clue how tough it can get or get married without really thinking it through...Most just end up another statistic. You need to be honest with yourself and him..Staying hoping things will get better wont work long term. This either can be fixed or it's time to move on. Staying out of fear of being alone will make you so sad in future. If you genuinely have exhausted all avenues to put your marriage back on track and you feel it's time to leave (and you are 110% sure) then you have to have the courage to follow your convictions?. If you don't have this courage now you will waste years and life is too precious to waste. You can't let fear of being alone hold you back.. You need to figure this out and make a firm decision either way. I wish you well Edited January 24, 2013 by Mack05 1
imtooconfused Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Too many people really don't understand the extent of their vows when they say them on their wedding day (in sickness and in health, through good times and bad) Playing the Devil's Advocate here. How about the "to have and to hold" and "to love, honor and cherish"? And to that extent, what if only one side has a grasp of their vows? I sense that KiraAly is struggling very seriously about keeping her vows but her husband would seem to be ambivalent towards them.
Mack05 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) Playing the Devil's Advocate here. How about the "to have and to hold" and "to love, honor and cherish"? And to that extent, what if only one side has a grasp of their vows? I sense that KiraAly is struggling very seriously about keeping her vows but her husband would seem to be ambivalent towards them. I agree and that's my point. Her husband is not honouring his vows, what I am doing is questioning if she is. Too many people on this site focus on the OP and then get advise saying "he is a bum". Since I have never met her or I don't know what's happening in their relationship I can't say. If she has truly given this marriage EVERYTHING, communicated her unhappinness throughout and this guy did nothing, then by all means walk and walk guilt free. I don't believe she has. I believe this marriage hasn't lived up to her expectations and instead of questioning both their roles in this potential breakup she seems to do most people do in this situation. Keep most things bottled up and when the time comes, Point finger of blame and run. Reading between the lines she has made mistakes too. Especially in her communication. She is clearly unhappy, having an emotional affair, thinking of leaving and her husband probably hasn't a clue.. If she was never going to truly fight for her marriage, why get married at all?Did she think marriage is all going to be sunshine and rainbows? She needs to ask these questions of herself. Did she notice the warning signs and ignore? Did you know how big a commitment marriage was when she undertook her vows? Has relationship communication been a problem with her before? What are her other flaws did have affected her and this marriage. The OP is going to get loads of sympathy saying this guy is a bum. I agree he is a bum. What I am trying to do is offer a Different prespective. If she doesn't look at herself and simply leaves without a true fight for her marriage what are the probability of another relationship failing in he future? High I would say. Too many people take the easy way out cause they are not willing to put in the hard graft. They just quit when the going gets tough. That for me is not what marriage should be about. The OP will learn nothing about herself if she just looks for excuses like "I don't think Im the marriage type". Hypotectical scenario, what happens if he was a great husband for 20 years and a drunken driver puts him in a wheelchair? Does she quit then too cause it gets too hard? The op will learn little bout herself without asking herself the questions above. Her husband hold know exactly what's going on. If he does then I agree with everyone above..I'm just not sure he does and if that's the case she has to take accountability Edited January 24, 2013 by Mack05 1
Author KiraAly Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you everyone! A little back story: we dated, off and on, for 8 years before marrying. Yes, I knew EXACTLY what I was getting into. My fault? ABSOLUTELY! I was 26 when I got married, I've matured a lot in the past 2 years. Around the time we got married he had changed. Was back in school, working, doing well overall. He dropped out of school, isn't working, and just has friends over all the time to get him high. I've said I don't appreciate coming home to a couch full of stoners playing video games when I just worked all day. He says he completely understands and will ask me next time. The next day it's the same exact thing. I've filled out job applications for him, literally BEGGED him to take them in, nothing. I've tried to sit down and talk about it, he gets really defensive. He's said he hates that I found a good job that I love because it makes him feel bad about himself. Basically, he told me that I knew what I was getting myself into with marrying him and that I can't blame him. And he's absolutely correct. I changed. I matured. I want more out of life. He said he won't go to counceling. His parents are well aware of the situation. I've spoken to them many times throughout our relationship. They say they "just want to make our lives better". And while I believe that, part of me feels like at this point I'm being bribed with cars and houses to stay with him. It all sounds crazy but yes, I truly loved him! I don't want to just walk away, but I also feel like at some point I deserve to be happy. And my husband refuses to change. And he shouldn't HAVE to, but then why should I HAVE to exhaust every option when I could just walk away and be happy? This is why I'm the bad guy - I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the only person who gives a damn. He thinks he can say "I love you" and try to have sex and everything is just glorious. And yes, this job would be a promotion and absolutely worth moving for. He said he was fine with it but is apprehensive now. I'd go with or without him. I refuse to sit in an fall down apartment in the suburbs just so he can continue to play video games in his underwear with his friends.
2sunny Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Nothing will change until he admits he has a drug problem and is willing to change. You may be better off without all his baggage.
Mack05 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Thank you everyone! A little back story: we dated, off and on, for 8 years before marrying. Yes, I knew EXACTLY what I was getting into. My fault? ABSOLUTELY! I was 26 when I got married, I've matured a lot in the past 2 years. Around the time we got married he had changed. Was back in school, working, doing well overall. He dropped out of school, isn't working, and just has friends over all the time to get him high. I've said I don't appreciate coming home to a couch full of stoners playing video games when I just worked all day. He says he completely understands and will ask me next time. The next day it's the same exact thing. I've filled out job applications for him, literally BEGGED him to take them in, nothing. I've tried to sit down and talk about it, he gets really defensive. He's said he hates that I found a good job that I love because it makes him feel bad about himself. Basically, he told me that I knew what I was getting myself into with marrying him and that I can't blame him. And he's absolutely correct. I changed. I matured. I want more out of life. He said he won't go to counceling. His parents are well aware of the situation. I've spoken to them many times throughout our relationship. They say they "just want to make our lives better". And while I believe that, part of me feels like at this point I'm being bribed with cars and houses to stay with him. It all sounds crazy but yes, I truly loved him! I don't want to just walk away, but I also feel like at some point I deserve to be happy. And my husband refuses to change. And he shouldn't HAVE to, but then why should I HAVE to exhaust every option when I could just walk away and be happy? This is why I'm the bad guy - I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the only person who gives a damn. He thinks he can say "I love you" and try to have sex and everything is just glorious. And yes, this job would be a promotion and absolutely worth moving for. He said he was fine with it but is apprehensive now. I'd go with or without him. I refuse to sit in an fall down apartment in the suburbs just so he can continue to play video games in his underwear with his friends. I really can't argue with this. Now that you have provided some background to your story its really hard not to see you side of things. You have matured and you understand what you want out of life. That is great, it really is. He on the other hand seems to think he is still in College. You were both young when you met. It is VERY hard to make a long term relationship work, when you have met at such a young age. People change, needs change. You need to be honest with him and tell him EVERYTHING. Even then you may have already moved past this relationship and thats the cold harsh truth. IF you have moved on and you are determined to follow your dream(s) then you have to have the courage to believe in yourself and get exactly what want out of life. Guilt or fear can not hold you hostage in a marriage. The longer things keep going as they are now, the more the resentment will build because he is holding you back. A divorce doesn't mean 'failure'. You made a mistake in getting married and recognise this. You need to rectify this mistake and learn from this mistake. You are still young and you need to remember that we all make mistakes and do things we regret. I am sure if you leave he will promise to change, but in truth this 'change' should have happened a few years ago..
imtooconfused Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 KiraAly... I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your husband is an only child. Either way, I suspect that he was given everything he wanted by his parents when he was growing up. I don't know if they are well off or just very unselfish in what they do for their son, but I don't think he has matured out of that lifestyle and his parents continue to facilitate that behavior indirectly and directly. In a major way, he has simply changed caretakers. That is not fair to you and you don't need to beat yourself up for missing the clues. Counseling could help, but only if he supported it. He would have to go willingly. Have you told your husband how far he has pushed you? That you are seriously considering leaving?
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