Javabear Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 My ex and I have been broken up for almost 4 months now. It was a very dramatic breakup (he left me after 3 years because he liked someone else but I believe there were other underlying reasons and he used this other girl as an excuse or something) with him crying and saying that he couldn't lose me from his life/still thought I was the one he wanted to marry etc... text book "Grass is Greener" situation. After almost two months of begging on my part, I finally decided to back off and give him the space he desired. He told me that he hoped sometime in the future we could meet and catch up over lunch. At first I said no way, I can't be friends with you at all. I still feel that way, but I know that if I have any hope of this relationship reconciling somewhere down the line, we have to be friendly first. Plus, I miss him and his company and I feel okay with the idea of seeing him because he's not dating the other girl (turns out she didn't really want a boyfriend). The ex and I ran into each other by accident last weekend and spent an hour watching a college basketball game together, talking and laughing and catching up. I thought it went well and we both said how nice it was to see each other again. A week later, he texted me asking for a recipe and I sent it to him. A few days later he texted me again thanking me for the recipe (which turned out to be for our mutual friend) and I tried to carry on a friendly conversation. We texted back and forth a few times and then he just stopped. I didn't pester him, I just let it go... but I think it's weird that he was the one who pushed for us to be friends and now that I'm trying to be friendly he seems accepting and then shuts off. Has anyone experienced anything similar or done something like this to an ex? I'd love some insight as to what might be going on here. Thanks!
juliabrookes Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 He doesn't want you as a friend, he just said it. If you were his friend then he wouldn't have treated you like that when you were together. He wouldn't have left without a valid reason so you would have closure. The worst part is that you think that you deserve to be treated like this. You don't. Stop being his door mat and being available for him when he texts. There should zero contact since this is a "selfish friendship" on his part. Come on, do you really want a "freidn" like this. Where I come from, friends don't do this stuff. My best advice is for you to not respond or hang out with this guy ever again. You do not owe him anything and he does not deserve your time. Your time is valuable, and he has yet to earn your respect, trust, or meet your standards (which I hope you have a list of). Best of luck to you =) 1
Lone Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 ^ Terrible advice. If he contacts u just keep it cordial and nonchalant i'd say. That's IF you have some hope of reconciling. In the meantime focus on YOU. Try not to give him too much of your headspace. Easier said than done I know. Just move forward as if its done forever and if anything eventuates then bonus right? And if not then well through your own internal dialogue repeating that its over for good should make it easier to accept. 1
juliabrookes Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) what is the terrible advice? That a woman should be respected? That she should not speak to someone that has disrespected her and left her? Why should she give him any more of her valuable time when she has already gave him three years? Hopefully, she realizes that her value is phenominal and this will all be a memory she can look back on and say, "lesson learned." Edited January 23, 2013 by juliabrookes
Author Javabear Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Any advice is valuable, but after spending quite a bit of time on this website in the last four months, I've learned that everyone's opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. I am the only one who truly knows what's going on in my life with my relationship. I have incredible self worth, but I also believe that my ex is not entirely at fault and I am actually very thankful for this breakup for teaching me so many valuable lessons. I don't feel betrayed anymore, I feel liberated, but that doesn't mean I don't want him back (if I thinks he deserves it, that is). The point of my asking this question, and any others, is to get feedback but I know just as well as anyone else that people can say whatever they want, at the end of the day it's up to me to decide what to do. So I appreciate and welcome whatever anyone wants to say. Whether or not I follow it is a completely different story. 1
fungusamungus Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) what is the terrible advice? That a woman should be respected? That she should not speak to someone that has disrespected her and left her? Why should she give him any more of her valuable time when she has already gave him three years? Hopefully, she realizes that her value is phenominal and this will all be a memory she can look back on and say, "lesson learned."So... let me ask you something... If you dated someone for a few years, and had a great friendship along with the romantic relationship, but realized that you were not in love with that person or were not happy in that relationship, then leaving that relationship is "disrespectful"? There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. Wanting to be friends with someone who you shared a great friendship with for several years is NOT being disrespectful. Expecting a friendship right away while the other person is still heartbroken is unrealistic and the dumper should be understanding of that, however, desiring friendship is not "disrespectful". I do not regret being friends with any of my exes. Of course, I had to let an appropriate amount of time go by and get over things, but eventually I've always gone back to being friends. I do not feel like I lack "self respect" by being so. I love it when people try to use ultimatums to get what they want and try to mask it as "self respect". It's the ultimate sign of fear and insecurity. Edited January 23, 2013 by fungusamungus
juliabrookes Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 So... let me ask you something... If you dated someone for a few years, and had a great friendship along with the romantic relationship, but realized that you were not in love with that person or were not happy in that relationship, then leaving that relationship is "disrespectful"? There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. Wanting to be friends with someone who you shared a great friendship with for several years is NOT being disrespectful. Expecting a friendship right away while the other person is still heartbroken is unrealistic and the dumper should be understanding of that, however, desiring friendship is not "disrespectful". I do not regret being friends with any of my exes. Of course, I had to let an appropriate amount of time go by and get over things, but eventually I've always gone back to being friends. I do not feel like I lack "self respect" by being so. I love it when people try to use ultimatums to get what they want and try to mask it as "self respect". It's the ultimate sign of fear and insecurity. If your scenario was the one this Thread was created upon it was disrespectful (he had the grass is greener mentality as she stated). So yes it is disrespectful. For him to want to remain friends is selfish because he knows she was begging to be with him and has feelings for him. This type of relationship is always painful. I am glad that you don't regret being friends with your exes, and that is fantastic. I have no idea what you mean by using self respect as a way to mask an insecurity. If you read her thread as well as my response perhaps you misinterpreted it. We all filter what we read different and that is ok. Not once did I mention an ultimatum nor did I say you would lack self respect if you did become a friend of an ex. Instead of assuming that is what I meant, perhaps next time ask?
Lone Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Lets tone down the hostility. We are all here to help. Bottom line is she still loves him and wants to be with him. Instead of having the point of view that she's being a doormat I have the view that she's almost in a way the opposite. It takes a lot to still hold onto feelings for someone who has treated you as such. But if reconciliation is in mind, its important to keep the communication lines open to an extent. Saying to never speak or see someone again isnt good advice in my opinion. Im open to being convinced however. Either way i wish you the best Javabear and hope you get what u need. 1
juliabrookes Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Lets tone down the hostility. We are all here to help. Bottom line is she still loves him and wants to be with him. Instead of having the point of view that she's being a doormat I have the view that she's almost in a way the opposite. It takes a lot to still hold onto feelings for someone who has treated you as such. But if reconciliation is in mind, its important to keep the communication lines open to an extent. Saying to never speak or see someone again isnt good advice in my opinion. Im open to being convinced however. Either way i wish you the best Javabear and hope you get what u need. It's obvious she loves him, and like she responded she will do what is best for her. I could write forever proving my point (trying to convince you) and you could try to convince me of your point as well, but then this thread would be boring and "hostile". We dont want that, right?!It is however apparent that many of us have quite different views when it comes to relationships. I will respect your stand point and we can agree to disagree. My advice is based on experience (but that doesn't mean everyone has to agree with it). And I will agree with you when I say, "I am wishing Javabear the best and that she gets what she needs."
Author Javabear Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I never meant for this post to spark controversy, but it's just human nature that everyone has their own view on a given situation. To be honest, I don't feel like a doormat at all. I feel so empowered by being able to recognize how much I have grown and learned from this breakup; so much so that I'd like to take the foundations of a great relationship (the one that we had) and use what I've learned to build a lasting partnership. Now, whether my ex feels the same way is a completely different story... who knows. The point I'm trying to make is that we all approach breakups in different ways based on our own life experiences and no one is "wrong" or "right" we're just different. Thank you again for all the feedback and support.
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