stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Ok, so…I think several of you know at least a bit of my convoluted story. In brief – had an emotional, LDR / online affair with a MM for almost 2 years. He ended it suddenly with no explanation at first back in early December last year. It was a horrible time. He told me he’d never leave me and that he’d love me forever and all that stuff. I know he loved me during our time together and at the time, meant the things he said, but even so. I’m on anti-depressants now and they’re helping me quite a lot. I have become more positive over the 6-7 weeks since he left and have found some peace and understanding about the situation and why he did what he did. So…back in June last year he left me for a month due to several complicated reasons relating to him. While he was “away”, it was very hard for me and one of the darkest times in my life so far. During that time, I met a man online who I’d known about and had very casual email interactions with before for about 6 months, but never had any interest in being friends or anything. He was nice, but you know…just no interest. In June, I thought I may as well blab to him since I had no one else to talk to about how bad I was feeling about my ex leaving me (I didn’t know at the time he’d come back after a month), and he helped me a lot, was a very good listener and all that. Anyway, so we were just friends and I had no interest in him beyond that. He’s 55 years old (I’m 34), married for 20 years, lives in the US (I’m in Australia), and blah and blah. In September last year, my ex vanished for 2 weeks after his wife found out about us for the third time. I assumed he’d come back this time, but didn’t know when it would be, and again it was very hard. I felt like I’d been battered around emotionally by all of this upheaval and chaos between us because of his life. About a month before this, I met another guy online. This one is 49 and also from the US and married for a long time, though he has this open marriage in terms of online interactions. Another very nice guy but again, no attraction. All I wanted was my ex at this time. This guy has a small record company and venues in that virtual world, Second Life (for anyone who’s heard of it). We interacted with the sole intention of getting me set up to perform my songs and sing in Second Life at his venue. Somewhere during the 2 weeks my ex was away, I developed a bit of a crush on this guy. I was quite bold and mentioned my feelings to him. He said he had a crush on me too. Aside from being married, he also had an online long distance girlfriend of almost 2 years, and he indulged in “fun times” in Second Life with random people as well. So. Yeah. So anyway, once my ex came back to me, that guy and I remained somewhat…flirty, but nothing more. He knew I was in love with my ex and I knew even if I DID want to pursue something with him, that it’d never be enough because he was simply not exclusive to anyone. So NOW, fast forward a while and I’m not with my ex anymore. The 49 year old Second Life guy and I are kind of the same as we always were. Flirty, he’s very supportive of me, encouraging, etc. We have done some affection-based stuff online but nothing sexual. The 55 year old guy and I have become closer. For about 3 months, he’s been occasionally letting me know he has feelings for me and if things were different (if he were younger, not married, etc)…you know how it goes. And I never had ANY feelings for him. But now…it’s just nice to have that affection, that person there who cares about me. Even though it’s not the same. And I refuse to actually go into something like this again when I KNOW this time what can happen. I refuse to hurt this man’s wife who he loves, I refuse to let this man feel permanent guilt and question his self respect by getting into anything with me, etc. He also says he doesn't want to hurt ME (like I've already been hurt) by having me go from #1 close friend to #2 emotional relationship (after his wife). With BOTH of these men, we tell each other we love each other. What am I DOING?!!! Why can’t I just be…ok? You know?
blotter Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Maybe take a break from meeting men online. There's plenty of men in real life, they are all around you, ones that are single and the same age too! 1
Stoic44 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You're getting involved with older, married men, and online relationships, because for some reason you're not comfortable with a relationship with someone who is actually available. You're setting yourself up for failure. Talk to a psych. 2
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Yes. Very true. I do know that neither of these 2 “new” men are going to turn into anything serious. I also know ideally, I’d still be only with my ex. In some weird amusing way, I feel I now need TWO guys to replace my ONE ex. In any case, yes, unavailable men. I am with a real life partner and have been for over 11 years. I love her, am not IN love with her anymore (same-sex partnership), don’t even know if I’m gay anymore (I assume not), but don’t want to leave her. So. Yeah. Unavailable affairs.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Yes, finding single people would be the way to go.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I know. But I don't want to find single people (or ANY people...I think). I already am with my long term "real life" partner of 11.5 years. *sigh*
Simon Phoenix Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I know. But I don't want to find single people (or ANY people...I think). I already am with my long term "real life" partner of 11.5 years. *sigh* Why are you looking for other people when you are in a committed relationship? What void are you trying to fill that your current partner doesn't provide you?
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 This I don't know. There is definitely a void. It's been there for several years and I only admitted it to myself once I began to develop feelings for my ex.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 This I don't know. There is definitely a void. It's been there for several years and I only admitted it to myself once I began to develop feelings for my ex. So you were dating your ex (who was married) while in a partnership with another person? That's pretty messed up. Does your current partner know of your shenanigans, with your "ex" (hard for me to use that term in a situation where there's an affair) or with this other guy? Before you do anything, you might want to talk to your partner about what you've been doing and then deal with whatever consequences come from that. Right now you are being extremely selfish in keeping up your relationship with her while interacting with all of these different men. It's not fair to her. Then do some self-searching as you why you a) can't be satisfied with someone you loves you (your partner) and b) why you seek out unavailable men to fill the void. But yeah, if you are in a partnership with someone and fooling around with men on the side, that's pretty f--ked up behavior. Now if I'm wrong on any of my points, feel free to correct, but yeah, you need to be honest with your partner and you need to figure out what the hell you actually want. It's hard for me you be sympathetic to the pain you feel from your ex when you are going behind your partner's back. 1
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I know. I don't expect sympathy either. I understand your point of view. I didn't enter into my relationship (affair) with my ex intending or expecting anything to happen. I knew I had a "crush" on him and assumed it was safe because I thought I was gay and we were both with other people and he was so much older and lived so far away, etc. I thought I'd just enjoy my new exciting feelings and then they'd fade when they were never reciprocated. By the time I realised how I really felt, it was...I didn't want it to end because I was in love with him. In any case, with these "other men", nothing is going on. They are helping me through my breakup with my ex really. I'm not interested in having more affairs. I feel guilty enough about my real life partner as it is.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Also, and just to truly show without a doubt how incredibly messed up I really am, in a way, it's as if any other relationships or interactions or whatever you call it online I could have with married men or whoever, they wouldn't make me feel as guilty as I felt about my ex and my affair. It'd almost be that I'd feel more like I was cheating on my EX than on my real life partner. Which is just completely weird.
Allumere Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Ok..so let me ask, why are you still with your life-partner (not judging, just trying to pull pieces together)?
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Why does anyone who's married but in an affair stay with their partner? I love her, I care deeply for her, I don't want to leave her and not have her in my life, I am used to being with her and it's familiar, I don't want to lose my stability, we own a property together where we live with our 2 cat "children" and I don't want to break that up. I also don't want to hurt her. Ever.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I think I should've kept certain aspects of my situation to myself. I'd have been liked a lot more around here if I had I think. I also realise...in terms of the affair with my ex, this caused huge guilt for me. Mainly because although I wasn't spending any LESS time with or giving any LESS affection to my real life partner, I had fantasies and desires to really BE with my ex in real life. It was as if they were "competing" in my mind in a way...for my future. And I HATED that feeling. In terms of these other 2 guys, which I now see are nothing more than an emotional / understanding comfort and security blanket, I don't feel guilty (as much) about them because (a) nothing's going on really, and (b) I have no desire to really BE with them. So...to me I can compartmentalise it (which I KNOW doesn't make it right), and also I can view it as friendship, understanding and affection without it threatening my real life relationship.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Why does anyone who's married but in an affair stay with their partner? I love her, I care deeply for her, I don't want to leave her and not have her in my life, I am used to being with her and it's familiar, I don't want to lose my stability, we own a property together where we live with our 2 cat "children" and I don't want to break that up. I also don't want to hurt her. Ever. Does she know about any of this?
MyAngel Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Hey Stevie. I really feel for you in this situation. I think these new men are filling the gap that your ex left, nothing more, nothing less. When your ex left, it left a huge hole in your life, it's understandable. You need to evaluate this situation because I don't think right now any of these men will fill the space of your ex. How could they when he was everything you wanted? I think right now the best thing is to focus on yourself and what is missing within yourself and your relationship. Yes, you don't want to leave your gf, but something is missing. Give yourself time away from the other men/distractions to work on yourself and your relationship with your gf. Take this as an opportunity to grow as a person and understand why this happened. Being apart from your ex, has it made you more aware of what is missing in your life? Can those things be found with your gf or within?
Author stevie_23 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I know. *sigh* I do know all this. I’m not a stupid person generally. I’m fairly wise, intelligent…but my actions and emotions just trip me up, time and time again. I never thought I’d EVER cheat on a partner, EVER. My view on the matter before getting involved with my ex was that anyone who cheats is lazy, greedy and a coward. I felt strongly that you should be aware enough to realise you’ve got problems within your existing relationship and deal with them, whatever the result, BEFORE even letting yourself be open to being drawn to another person outside the relationship. God, it’s so easy to think those things…when you’ve never been there. I am an indulgent and selfish person and wasn’t strong enough to follow my own beliefs. Anyway, no, my partner does not know. I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve considered my actions are a manifestation of my issues. MY issues. Not her’s. Not even entirely our’s. She is not at fault. She is not responsible in any way for MY problems. And for now, she is not affected by them either. I do not withhold affection or love from her. I wouldn’t want to. I feel bad about what I’ve done (and continue to do) all the time. Telling her won’t help that, and it will make things much worse for HER because although she won’t be in the dark anymore, she’ll be a lot unhappier than she is now. In terms of these 2 guys replacing my ex? Yes, very much so. My crush on the 49 year old guy began when my ex was NC for 2 weeks after his wife found out about us for the 3rd time last August / September. I knew I was developing this crush because I had “lost” my ex for the second time in 2 months. It was too much for me. Somewhere along the line, my mind skewed totally off course. I felt guilty for “cheating” on my ex-MM, and still always guilty for cheating on my real life partner as well. I kind of felt like I was ruined…damaged goods…and now I’d done this, what difference would it make if I kept doing it? And with different people? I was beyond help or being a decent person already, so…whatever. You know?
Allumere Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Mercy girl, you are a mess. You are correct, this is all about you and if not already suggested you need some serious couch time to figure out all the whys. You express some nice sentiments in regards to your partner but what I want to hear is that you are stepping up, owning your ****, and doing the right thing. Right now what I really hear is I'm staying with my partner because I am scared of being alone, I am scared of change. Hey, not saying you don't have some genuine feelings for her but you need to do some serious self work to figure out if its enough. Are your there because you really love this person and want to be with them til you die or because fear paints that as the only picture. If you have any respect for your partner and for your self, you need to figure this out! 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 If you care about your partner, you will tell her what you've been doing. It's bulls--t to keep her in the dark and make her think she's in a loving, loyal relationship when it's anything but. You not telling her is something you are doing for your benefit, not for hers. She'll find out eventually and when she does find out, she'll be devastated. You have to do the right thing here, even if it means you have no one. 1
Author stevie_23 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I know I need to. I still don't think telling her will help though. Why must she find out "one day"? I also am beginning to think I'm "broken" and no matter what, I won't ever STAY happy enough in a relationship to be loyal and respectful and exclusive. Maybe I should just be alone forever to avoid hurting anyone.
OJ loved Nicole Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I also am beginning to think I'm "broken" and no matter what, I won't ever STAY happy enough in a relationship to be loyal and respectful and exclusive. Maybe I should just be alone forever to avoid hurting anyone. 2 rules you must know. Happiness comes from within- Nobody else can make you happy. The euphoric feeling in the beginning of the relationship (dopamine release/honeymoon phase) is only temporary. When that fades you're still stuck with having to deal with yourself. Learn what makes YOU happy without external stimulants (make your life the cake) and your relationships will flourish (the icing). All relationships end- Either by death or you/them leaving, all relationships end. My gf tells me all the time "I will love/be with you forever"..... bullsh*it!! I'm fully aware that I have about a 2 percent chance of dying of old age while in a relationship with her. Not that I don't love her NOW or I won't try, or I plan on leaving her. I just know the chances, there are too many variables. Given those 2 rules, you must always focus on yourself, always strive to improve, always find inner happiness. You'll never find what you seek in a relationship.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I know I need to. I still don't think telling her will help though. Why must she find out "one day"? I also am beginning to think I'm "broken" and no matter what, I won't ever STAY happy enough in a relationship to be loyal and respectful and exclusive. Maybe I should just be alone forever to avoid hurting anyone. Because everyone finds out secrets like that. All of that stuff comes to the surface eventually and the more you wait, the more it will devastate her. Right now you are being extremely selfish by not letting her know exactly where things stand. The more you delay, the more you prevent her from finding true happiness with a person who truly values her. Or you delay the process of her working through it and accepting you back if she should choose to do so. It's awful for you to let her live a lie.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 But...what if I don't intend to leave her? If I intend for nothing to change? You can't get everything you want from one friendship so you have a few different outlets and expressions of that friendship, right? So...hmm. In terms of emotional affection...this is what I sometimes try to tell myself my situation could be...that I'm not taking anything away from her. That I can't help my feelings and don't want to leave her. That nothing has changed for us from long before I even met my ex, etc, etc. SHE isn't living a lie. SHE is in a loving relationship. She loves me. I love her. We express that love. I DO feel of course that I have thrown open the door of privacy and sacred-ness we had when there was no one else in my life...sigh. Yeah.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 But...what if I don't intend to leave her? If I intend for nothing to change? You can't get everything you want from one friendship so you have a few different outlets and expressions of that friendship, right? So...hmm. In terms of emotional affection...this is what I sometimes try to tell myself my situation could be...that I'm not taking anything away from her. That I can't help my feelings and don't want to leave her. That nothing has changed for us from long before I even met my ex, etc, etc. SHE isn't living a lie. SHE is in a loving relationship. She loves me. I love her. We express that love. I DO feel of course that I have thrown open the door of privacy and sacred-ness we had when there was no one else in my life...sigh. Yeah. It shouldn't be up to you. You cheated. And if you truly cared about her you wouldn't have gone behind her back. If she's not fulfilling everything you want you need to let her go and a) find someone who does and b) let her find someone who is a better fit. It's f--ked up for you to do this. I'm sorry, no amount of verbal gymnastics that you conjure up will change that.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I know. Ultimately, I know. OJ loved Nicole...all relationships end? Yeah. I know. I didn't always know that (well, apart from ending in death of course). My parents have been married for 35 years. My grandparents were married until the died. They've been lucky and the right combination / individual personality types I guess to make their relationships last. So...aside from death, you still believe most relationships don't last? That people will always fall out of love and their feelings will change? I actually believe this. I no longer believe in forever love. Even my ex...he would tell me "forever" and that he'd "never" leave me and we'd NEVER fall out of love or become "bored"...HAH! I NEVER believed that. I knew our feelings would change at some point. I don't understand how some people just refuse to accept that.
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