lostandsuch Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Ok so here's the situation. I am new to this site and new to all of this. My wife and I have been married coming on 5 years here now, we were married very young when we were both 19. Things were great at the beginning, had our ups and downs like anybody but it was good. About 2 years ago my wife gave birth to my daughter. I have battled depression and social anxiety most of my life and I used to be able to reach out and talk to her about thinks and it was definitely helpful. Over the past few years it has seemed like me talking in general has been more of a nuisance to her than anything. But when talking about problems in general no matter what it is, she gets annoyed with me and then passive aggressive when i get upset. We haven't had a good time TOGETHER in a really long time. She always laughs out loud and has a great time with her friends, but hasn't laughed around me in a very long time. A few weeks ago after countless days of fighting or arguing we actually had a nice weekend together....then we came home and it was back to the same old grind. We've gotten to the point we feel like roommates more than husband and wife. I told her sincerely that I wanted to make things work and she said "we can try, but I'm very doubtful they will". So the next day I packed up a few things and decided to stay at my parents house for awhile. My mother is the daycare provider for my daughter, and my wife and I have been very good about having equal time spent with her. I have been a trainwreck this past week, and she seems like she's doing great, going out with friends, posting pictures on facebook etc.not seeming upset at all. We tried to go to a movie on Saturday and it went okay, but it more felt like a bad high school date, all at the surface, forced conversation. I miss my daughter and I miss life being normal, but i don't know if i MISS my wife. I love her and care about her but I just really don't know if i'm IN love with her anymore. I feel like we aren't the same people we were. What should I do?
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 So the next day I packed up a few things and decided to stay at my parents house for awhile. What were you hoping to accomplish by leaving? Mr. Lucky
KiraAly Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Hopefully this will be somewhat helpful. Here's what I hope to accomplish by separating (and possibly what your wife may be thinking?) It's really hard to deal with someone who has depression and social anxiety (my husband has both). I often feel like the "man" in the relationship. I've grown resentful of this. She may be feeling like she isn't getting any younger or better looking, and is trying to have fun now. I don't know what it's like to have children, but she might be feeling good about reconnecting with friends and having more time to herself without you and your daugher. If she gets annoyed and then passive aggressive with you, it might be that she feels like you aren't listening when she's trying to tell you what's bothering her. I hate to say this, but what's bothering her about your relationship is probably you. It's very hard to tell someone you love that they're making you unhappy. And you're probably being defensive (who wouldn't!). So she's getting frustrated and shutting down. Maybe just sit down with her and listen. Let her tell you how she's feeling and don't defend yourself, even if she's wrong and mean. Tell her you'll consider everything she's said. Because the situation is probably very different to her than it is to you. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you. It might totally be her, or I might totally misunderstand the situation. But from my point of view, it's similar to the situation I'm in, and my husband just won't listen when I'm telling him what's making me unhappy. And it could easily be fixed if he'd just stop making excuses or getting mad or crying about it. And just listen. But expect the same from her - tell her what you this is wrong with the situation with her just listening and not getting defensive. It couldn't hurt, right? Good luck!
ataloss8270 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I read a post on this site once about feeling out of love with you spouse. It was a story about a young man sitting in a room with 3 elderly couples. He's asked them if any of them have ever fallen out of love with the partners, they all looked around at each other and all of them admitted that at one point in time yes they did fall out of love for them. A couple of them admitted that it happened more than once. So just because you don't feel in love with her now doesn't mean you may not fall for her again. As for your social anxiety and depression a good councillor can definitely help you with those issues. I myself am battling social anxiety. And I have found that not having my wife with me is actually helping me talk to new people because I don't have her to talk to anymore. I know its hard to learn to put yourself out there, but believe me its well worth the time to do it. As for getting her back the first thing you need to do is remember the man you were when she fell in love with you, become that man again. Don't try and impress her with a fake you, just become yourself again. Do things for you, make yourself #1 priority in your life.
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