proactivedreamer Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 ugh... I am so lost and frustrated in this relationship right now. I love love my boyfriend but we keep hitting the same wall over and over, and I finally just wanted it to stop. Time out!!! For some odd reason we do not communicate well when it comes to making plans to see each other, or he doesn't follow through and/or isn't punctual. This is has been an ongoing problem since the very beginnings of our relationship (soon to be a year next month), and we have spoken innumerable times about this issue, and we cannot seem to resolve it. The last 3 weeks have been hell for me in this regard, and just this last Sunday I blew the whistle, and called a time out. I thought I was very clear with him about coming over on Sunday before I went to work. I distinctly remember saying Sunday, and him agreeing to come between one and two. Sunday comes, he doesn't show. I get a text from him. We talk, and he tells me he thought he was suppose to come Monday. I went off. I unloaded all of my frustration, and I said I need a break then I said I am putting the ball in his court. I told him to call me when he is serious about me, and his life. I didn't hear from him yesterday, and haven't heard from him today. I feel like I am suffering over something that is soooo easy to fix. I don't understand why we keep having these misunderstandings! We have some other issues, but this one is verrrry serious for me. When this happens it makes me feel like I am an afterthought, and I feel devalued. As I said this keeps happening. I thought if I asked for a break it would show him how serious I am. I feel so mixed up about him right now, did I do the right thing?
Droplet Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Of course you did the right thing ! If I were you, I'd wait for him to initiate contact first, just to show him that this time you are serious and beyond pissed and that if he isn't willing to make an effort ( come on, it's indeed easily fixable but I think he might be taking you for granted ) then it's over. Wait for him to call. Do not initiate contact first. Stay congruent with what you said and watch him crawl back when he realizes that you might really leave him.
czen Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Breaking up for something this easy to fix seems a bit major, true enough. But if he REALLY isn't getting it, then yeah, keep it up. Maybe call him again after a few days though, since he may be interpreting it like "Oh come on, it's not sucha big deal, she'll call me...hmm...she still hasn't called me, looks like I didn't mean anything to her after all". But yeah, stick to your guns for a couple of days at least.
Author proactivedreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I didn't break-up with him. I told him I needed to take a break, which I don't think is the same thing given the circumstances. And I already broke the no contact rule, which may have compromised what I am trying to accomplish. I haven't heard back from him yet, so not sure what to do if I don't hear from him. I really did not want to do this, but I feel deeply that I need to set boundaries for how I want to be treated. I really do feel like I'm being taken for granted, and I am only trying to correct the problem. I tried talking many times, and I don't see much progress if any, what else am I to do? I am suffering also as a result. It's my day off, and I haven't seen him since Thursday morning, it sure would be nice to see him today I really feel that I don't deserve this, but what other options do I have? Furthermore, when this happens, he always has a seemingly legitimate excuse, is that even possible? I totally get that things happen, but over the course of a year long relationship(this happens almost monthly), is there always a reason? or is it carelessness and lack of consideration? Thing is I am not the only one in his life who has to deal with this, doesn't that mean he should re-evaluate how this behavior affects his relationships?This really hurts and frustrates people it would be in his best interest to correct the behavior. I really want to be with him, but I feel like a break-up is ultimately on the horizon, not just because of this particular issue. I have been patient and supportive since the beginning, but relationships are about "give and take." I doing a lot of giving, and he is doing a lot of taking...I am really sad right now.
KraftDinner Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You're doing the right thing. His behaviour is totally disrespectful.
Author proactivedreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement! I have been debating with myself about whether I should go talk to him because I am the kind of person who likes to fix things. Reading your responses are giving me the strength to stand by my decision. I questioned whether I was over-reacting so many times, but I know that this isn't acceptable or how I deserve to be treated in what is suppose to be a loving relationship.
juliabrookes Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement! I have been debating with myself about whether I should go talk to him because I am the kind of person who likes to fix things. Reading your responses are giving me the strength to stand by my decision. I questioned whether I was over-reacting so many times, but I know that this isn't acceptable or how I deserve to be treated in what is suppose to be a loving relationship. The most important thing to remember is that your time is valuable. I'm glad you put your foot down and called a time out. If he doesn't call you, this is great for you because now you know what kind of person he really is. Make sure that you bench him for a while even after he contacts you. No need to play an injured player, let him fix himself and prove he is capable of respecting your time.
Stoic44 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I would carefully spell out the reasons and the parameters of the break. When I hear the word "break" it usually signifies to me that the girl may want to see another guy and I would *flip* if I was into the girl. As that's not the case here, you need to tell him that because of all the missed appointments, you don't feel he's taking his commitment to you seriously, that you feel taken for granted, and ask him to reflect on whether he's willing to honor his time commitments and to get back to you when he's thought about it.
Author proactivedreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) He did say that he put Monday in his calender when I spoke to him, but I didn't really believe him. I was thinking "how convenient he got the days mixed up", which wouldn't be the first time. The following will give you an idea of some of things my boyfriend has through and who he is: -He was suicidal about 2 & 1/2 years ago ( I think he has come along way since then, but may be still healing from that dark time) -He didn't finish high school ( But in his defense he is quite well learned. You wouldn't know he is a high school drop out talking to him. He was suppose to be working on getting his GED) -He is anti-social (he literally has zero friends. He doesn't trust or really like people at all. He has trouble getting close to people except potential girlfriends. Also, he moved around a lot, so he wasn't really ever able to maintain friendships. -He was emotionally and mentally abused by his step-father. -He has been jobless since the suicide attempt( Prior he worked as an assistant manager at a grocery store and was paid very well, but hasn't bee able to get himself back since that time) Those are major issues obviously. I have made so many suggestions such as counseling, exercise, being vigilant about diet(food really does influence mood as does exercise), asking for support from his family- just being completely honest with them. I am tearing up right now cause it hurts so much not to be able to do anything, and to have to contemplate breaking up because he has zero motivation to get healed up and be better. I love him so much I don't want to leave him like this. Yes, I have been so understanding, but I feel like I am losing whatever this is that I am fighting for. I see his worth, which is why I have stayed with him for almost year. but I have to be kind to myself too. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Edited January 23, 2013 by proactivedreamer
Stoic44 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Wow, tough one. He sounds like he may not be mentally all there and that's why he's been missing his appointments. Can you get him to couples therapy?
Author proactivedreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Wow, tough one. He sounds like he may not be mentally all there and that's why he's been missing his appointments. Can you get him to couples therapy? Yeah he gets in some pretty depressive moods, and I have suggested therapy but never had the idea to go as a couple. I have been reluctant to bring up therapy in general because of his attitude toward people. How should I broach the subject? Would if he isn't very receptive to the idea? In addition, we don't really have insurance for that. He might through his parents. Should I talk to his parents or will he see that as crossing the line? He is really private about most things, and he doesn't have that great of a relationship with his biological father.
Stoic44 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Well therapy would be my suggestion if you really love him as you said. Tell him you want this to work, but it can't work if he's missing his appointments. It sounds like he's missing his appointments not from any overt devaluing of you, but because he's depressed and not all there. He should be seeing his own therapist and should be on anti-depressants...is he? I would try couples therapy--broach it when you talk next time in kind of a concerned way. You may need a couples therapist anyways if you need to breakup, given his emotionally fragile state.
Author proactivedreamer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Well therapy would be my suggestion if you really love him as you said. Tell him you want this to work, but it can't work if he's missing his appointments. It sounds like he's missing his appointments not from any overt devaluing of you, but because he's depressed and not all there. He should be seeing his own therapist and should be on anti-depressants...is he? I would try couples therapy--broach it when you talk next time in kind of a concerned way. You may need a couples therapist anyways if you need to breakup, given his emotionally fragile state. He isn't on anti-depressants or any of the like. I was thinking about going over his house tomorrow because I didn't hear from him today. I didn't really handle the situation well on Sunday. I was really abrasive in some ways, which is maybe why he didn't text me at all today. He might be mad at me. I will see how it turns out. Thanks so much for your suggestions
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